IT CAME FROM POUNDLAND II: Saw

Director: James Wan (2004)

Starring: Cary Elwes, Danny Glover, Monica Potter

Find it: IMDB

Our semi-regular feature returns with Saw, a movie I didn't really like but couldn't turn down for £1. I've never watched it since buying the film, and probably never will. Still, at a quid, I maintain that it is a legitimate investment. Update: I sold it on eBay for £3.25. That's a lot of profit, given that I always deliberately overcharge for postage and packaging.

Se7en II: Saw stars Cary Elwes as Doctor Lawrence Gordon, a man kidnapped by the mysterious and elusive Jigsaw Killer. Together with a man who can't act and a corpse who can, Gordon is locked in a smelly bathroom and told to hack his foot off if he wants to survive. Meanwhile, other things are happening in the outside world. Wronged copper Danny Glover is on the hunt for Jigsaw, Gordon's wife (Monica Potter) and child (child) have been kidnapped and several unsavoury types fall victim to Jigsaw's little games. Despite the fact that nobody owns any lightbulbs and Cary Elwes sucks in this movie, Saw is a servicable enough little horror thriller type thing.

... and it stars Ben from off've LOST as a man called Zep.

Depending on your view of the movies, Saw has pretty much become tainted by its own sequels at this point - a byword for cheap schlock, seasonal moneygrabbing, lazy plot devices and an insistance on crowbarring Tobin Bell into flashbacks just for the sake of it. 

... and Miles from off've LOST as a man with a fat face

So Saw is a hard one for me to like now. I love (most of) its casting - Danny Glover, Monica Potter and the LOST alumni are good in everything - and the traps are admittedly quite inspired. It is what it is really; a passable Se7en rip-off with a few good twists and a neat concept. But like Freddy Kreuger and those damn cartoony sequels, it's become diluted by its own overexposure. And it's so self-serious that it's almost impossible to like. Whereas you want to see Freddy, Jason, Michael and Leatherface hack up the teens, Jigsaw is an irritating egoist with an overinflated sense of self-importance and whiny disposition. This is a man whose first thought after diagnosis with cancer is to build a bunch of silly traps with which he can torture crackheads and cheating doctors.

To be fair, if my doctor was as annoying as Cary Elwes is in this movie, I'd probably be tempted to lock him up in a toilet too. The lead performances in Saw are really pretty bad, all snot and overacting. Elwes and the crying photographer bloke are both outperformed by the supposedly (SPOILER) dead body with whom they share their lavatory. Good as Danny Glover is, even he doesn't seem to give much of a rat's ass about the film. Well, he is getting too old for this shit. Next up: Saw In A House with the Wahlberg that's not Marky Mark.

Advertorial: Things I like about the Saw Franchise

(Spoiler: silly racist car death is not one of those things)

Saw: The Final Chapter is out on DVD next month. As I re-watched the movie in preparation, I realised that The Review Hole has been quite critical of the franchise over the years. To celebrate its (supposed) end, I proudly present a list for your consideration: Things I Hate Least Don't Hate Like About The Saw Franchise. Some spoilers abounds.

10. The First Three Movies. Otherwise known as the only good Saw movies. The first movie is very good (if Se7en-lite) and the sequel, I actually slightly prefer sometimes. The third stinks a bit, but it feels like a proper arc for the characters involved. If only they'd stopped there.

9. Monica Potter. I like Monica Potter. I liked her in Con Air. I liked her in that silly Morgan Freeman movie. I even liked her relegated to Damsel-In-Distress in Saw. Never mind Doctor Gordon and his plastic foot. Bring back Monica Potter.

8. Hoffman's killing spree. It says a lot for my feelings about Saw's torture guff overreliance that my favourite bit of The Final Chapter was when the torture stopped and crazy Hoffman went slasher movie mode. The final act in the police station is ridiculous but eminently watchable. Black leather gloves? How very Giallo. The most interesting thing Hoffman ever did.

7. The videogame. Haven't played the sequel yet, but Saw: The Videogame wasn't half as bad as I'd expected it to be. You play as Detective Tapp, trapped in an old lunatic asylum and forced to play Jigsaw's games. It's repetetive, overlong and occasionally monotonous, but worth a single playthrough at least.

6. Hoffman's Arrowmobile. That this ended up as nothing more than a dream sequence was one of The Final Chapter's biggest disappointments.

5. The Needle Pit. Actually one of the few traps to make me cringe. Sometimes the low-key traps work a lot better than the overblown stuff (The Final Chapter's Thunderbird incinerator? Really?)

4. Donnie Wahlberg. Yes, and I'm not joking either. Donnie Wahlberg's detective in Saw II is one of my favourite characters in the franchise. That he died in part IV caused great consternation in the Joel H house. Even if his death was one of the best moments in the franchise's history:

3. Ice Block Head Smash. Donnie Wahlberg gets his head smushed inbetween two massive blocks of ice. Enough said. Except for maybe 'ha ha'.

2. Pighead. Because I'm a sucker for slasher icons and people wearing pig head masks. And because the battle between yourself and Pighead in The Videogame is fairly awesome.

1. Danny Glover. I'll be honest. The other 9 bullet points in this list could have been Danny Glover, since I do heart me some Danny Glover. Even in those Orange cinema adverts and especially in Predator 2. Plus, he reportedly thinks Saw is stupid too.

Not too old for this shit? Read the Saw retrospective.

Saw: The Collected Reviews

Saw - "It's easy to forget how unterrible the first Saw movie is."

Saw II - "The second Saw movie in a row to not suck."

Saw III - "(?) (?) and (?)"

Saw IV - "Destroys any hope that Jigsaw might be resurrected as a zombie, Jesus or Frankenstein's Monster."

Saw V - "A resounding 'shit off' to your boxset"

Saw VI - "I can't actually remember what happens in this movie."

Saw 3D - "Like that one time I drank a whole bottle of Bailey's in one sitting"

Saw: The Final Chapter

Director: Kevin Greutert (2010)
Starring: Tobin Bell, Costas Mandaylor, Betsy Russell
Find it online: IMDB

Like that one time I drank a whole bottle of Bailey's in one sitting, the Saw franchise leaves feelings of self-loathing, nausea and disgust. All this after a brief feeling of enjoyment and surprise at how good it feels at the time. And, to labour the not-very-good point even more, both alcoholism/gluttony and the watching of Saw movies are disgraceful behaviours and shouldn't be in any way encouraged. There's another crappy point too: both times, I swore 'never again'. And yet I will again, repeatedly, until either my liver or my brain gives in.

Simply by virtue of its extra dimension, Saw 3D will do your brain in faster than any of its predecessors. All the guts and gore and bodily fluids flung at the screen will titillate every bit as much as they instigate migranes. Although you might as well see Jackass 3D if that's your bag. At least the plot and acting will be better. Minor bitching aside, the 3D lends a certain gusto to some otherwise uninspired traps. The devices here are either too simplistic (a noose? Tooth pulling? Really?) repetitions of earlier glories (those fuckbloody reverse bear traps again) or ridiculously over the top. The final thing sort of resembles a cross between Optimus Prime and Thunderbird 2 and is funnier than it is scary. Saw 3D takes Avatar as inspiration in using its extra dimension: make everything look real pretty and no-one will notice how much it kind of sucks.

Saw 3D picks up exactly where part VI left off. Hoffman (Mandaylor) is pursuing Jigsaw's ex-wife (Russell); apparently the only one who knows his secret. She manages to escape and hands herself in to the cops. Hoffman is infuriated and goes trap-crazy, setting a bunch more silly contraptions into motion. First to die are some kids bickering over a petty love triangle. Judging by this motley trio, Hoffman's begun selecting his victims via facebook and twitter updates. It's all done in public though, which is kinda interesting and what tricked me into seeing the film in the first place. This is very quickly dropped though, and never mentioned again. Likewise, Hoffman's silly little Arrowmobile, so prominent in the trailer, is relegated to a brief dream sequence. Now it's back to business as usual. Namely, torture and Costas Mandaylor doing his Steven Seagal body-double shtick.

Meanwhile, someone is cashing in on Jigsaw's legacy. Self-help guru Bobby (Flanery) claims to be one of the few Jigsaw survivors, despite having never crossed paths with John or any of his disciples. Before you can say 'book deal', Bobby has been kidnapped and ends up trapped in one of Hoffman's dingy torture basements. If you've seen Saw III - VI, there's no surprises here. I even predicted the twist long before I'd entered the cinema. Whilst Bobby runs around a basement failing to save people, Hoffman does his best Terminator impression and cuts swathes through the police force.

I don't believe for an instant that this is 'game over'. The door is left wide open for more sequels. There's no sense of deconstruction or climax or finality to anything. True, there's more of an effort towards companionship to the original movie. Cary Elwes makes a glorified cameo, Jigsaw has yet more whingeing to do and another message to impart. It's just hard to care anymore. Not even the sight of fat Cary Elwes doing a bad Christian Bale/Dr. House impression can aleviate our overfamiliarity with the franchise. Still, it's got more going for it than parts V and VI, and is innocously sort of engaging until you bother to stop and think about it. It's thoroughly mediocre, which at this point in the fumbling franchise, is a definite improvement.

The Final Chapter plays better on DVD, shorn of its 3D gimmick and expectations. Embrace the shlock and ignore the bad, and there's fun to be had. And finally, now it's all over, you can rest easy and buy the complete box set without having to worry about there being another one to mess up your collection. Well, at least maybe not for awhile.

Saw VI

Director: Kevin Greutert (2009)

Starring: Tobin Bell, Costas Mandaylor, Mark Rolston, Betsy Russell

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

Agent Strahm is dead, splattered all over the inside of Hoffman's last trap. But because nobody at Lionsgate has enough money already and I was stupid enough to watch the last one, another game is set into motion. Oh goody; I really wanted to see a flashback of that one time Jigsaw had to scratch his ass during the first Saw but was pretending to be dead at the time. Saw VI has the least artistic merit of all the movies so far (I haven't seen 3D yet, mind), which is no mean feat when one considers how completely irredeemably pointless the last one was. Well in the tradition of sequels, this one is even more pointless. I'm playing for time here, because I can't actually remember what happens in this movie. Not a jot, except for that bit at the end where Hoffman ends up stuck in one of his own traps. Ha. Although we all know he'll be back for the next one.

A bit like me, because I'm an idiot and bought into that "final chapter" stuff. Bad horror fan.

Saw V

Director: David Hackl (2008)

Starring: Tobin Bell, Costas Mandylor, Scott Patterson

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

In a resounding "shit off" to your Saw boxset, Jigsaw's back for a fifth outing. It's ironic really. Fella gets more screentime in death than he did during his prime in the first movie (lying pretend-dead on a toilet floor not withstanding). Because the series creators seem to regard Jigsaw as an interesting character worthy of screentime, Tobin Bell's killer is crowbarred into a bunch of flashbacks and nonsensical bits which supposedly happened over the course of the first few movies. Only this time I care even less. Yes, less than this.

The whole thing trundles along in its usual way, towards a predictable climax (come on, there was no way Hoffman would ever be caught. Strahm was always destined to die the same death of all Saw heroes) intercut with various tortures and false promises of some sort of meaning. Not even the normally quite likeable Julie Benz can elevate this episode. She plays a boring, uninteresting and unlikeable businesswoman type, trapped in an underground dungeon type thing with a host of other disparate, boring, uninteresting and unlikeable people. Their big game plays out like a team building exercise, with the resounding moral message being that teamwork overcomes all. Meanwhile, Strahm was fucked from the start. His final test is unwinnable really, as the franchise needs its heroes to keep dying in order to keep going. It's very lazy and very predictable. Just for once, the twist should be a Happy Ending for all; Jigsaw and his cronies left dead and run out of silly games.

"You won't believe how it ends". My dear Saw, I couldn't give a fuck.

Saw IV

Director: Darren Lynn Bousman (2007)

Starring: Tobin Bell, Costas Mandylor, Scott Patterson

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

Destroying any hope that Saw IV might resurrect Jigsaw as a zombie, Jesus or Frankenstein, the movie opens with everyone's favourite grumpy cancer patient lying dead on a table. A pointless autopsy scene ensues, apparently only present in order to outdo the previous movie's brain surgery bit. A mini tape cassette is found in his stomach. Jigsaw wants to play some more games. Well, at least he's persistent. His addictive personality is the least of his problems now though, being dead and all.

The tape is handed over to Detective Hoffman (Mandaylor). Thanks to The Girl Who Loves Horror for reminding me of his name. Considering he's supposed to be the series' villain now, he's one forgettable motherfucker. Not only that, but I have trouble telling him apart from supposed hero Detective Strahm (Patterson) so it's little wonder that I get these last three instalments all mixed up. It doesn't help that neither man has a jot of charisma to share between them. Saw IV brings us the most boring and bland gathering of protagonists and antagonists since almost ever. Gone are the bits of fun casting like Ben from off've LOST, Danny Glover or that other bloke from off've LOST.

But at least Donnie Wahlberg is back! He has hardly anything to do in his limited screentime, but for me his presence is the only worthwhile thing about Saw IV. When your movie's watchability is saved by Donnie Wahlberg, well, that's when you know you're doing something wrong. Alas, his re-introduction is rendered ultimately pointless since he gets his head smashed in with an ice cube not too long afterwards. The Saw franchise thus far reads like a giant "fuck you" to Donnie Wahlberg. Way to waste your series' best character, Saw people (yes, Whalberg's Detective is actually and unironically my favourite character). Whilst all this happens, one of the remaining cops from Wahlberg's squad is playing a game of his own. This translates into failing to save anyone from dying and then getting himself killed at the end.

There's a twist, which seems complicated but actually isn't. I suppose it's clever in its own not-clever sort of way, with the timelines and stuff, and also Hoffman is revealed to be Jigsaw's apprentice, fuelling a further bunch of instalments. Next up: Strahm is on Hoffman's tail, Julie Benz plays another stupid game and there's a flashback to Jigsaw bitching. Again.

Saw III

Director: Darren Lynn Bousman (2006)

Starring: Tobin Bell, Shawnee Smith, Bahar Soomekh

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

Hoping to buy himself a few more hours of valuable whingeing time, Jigsaw kidnaps a doctor lady (Soomekh) and forces her to perform brain surgery. Meanwhile, a man that looks like Zach Galifianakis but isn't finds himself locked in a grotty underground maze. Down there, Jigsaw hopes to force him to let go of past demons and stuff. But little does anyone know, the whole thing is an elaborate scheme

concocted by the big man himself to play at Alan Sugar. Saw III is essentially The Apprentice: The Movie, as the "big twist" is revealed that the whole thing is actually Amanda's final test. Except that instead of being fired she gets shot by Zach Galifianakis. Who (SPOILER) isn't actually in this movie. He's just really fat and has a beard and my brain can only handle one fat bearded man at a time.

Nowhere is my biggest problem with Jigsaw more evident than Saw III. Here his big life lessons are being taught to Geoff - a man still mourning his son. Apparently 'Saw finds mourning distasteful, because Geoff needs teaching to move on. Just piss off, already. Don't you have dolphins to swim with? Still, Saw III ties up enough loose ends and plot points to justify its existence and bring the story to a natural close.

Or so one might think. There's a further 3 (?) more stories to come yet. Well, this one story, told 3 (?) more times. A final bit is shoehorned in with Geoff's daughter, although they dropped that in favour of another apprentice story. And alas, more Jigsaw, not shutting the fuck up from beyond the grave. It's a shame that Amanda buys it in this episode, since I'd much rather have followed her in future instalments than I would (??????)* It's a bit of a mess, but still watchable enough and not yet buried beneath the heaps of horseshit and lazy flashback fuckery that would follow.

Enjoy those 3/5 screaming Scream Queens, Saw fans. It's the most you'll be seeing in a very long time - until maybe (but probably not) Saw 3D. Next up is Jigsaw's autopsy, (?) (?) and (?) followed by a twist. From this point onwards, it's all a blur.

* I actually don't know his name. And I physically don't care enough to check the IMDB.

Saw II

Director: Darren Lynn Bousman (2005)

Starring: Donnie Wahlberg, Tobin Bell, Shawnee Smith

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

The second Saw movie in a row to not suck – a streak that would go unbroken until – well, the next one. Saw II moves from its toilet beginnings to a really big house, where Jigsaw has gathered his victims to play some games (not Guitar Hero), bicker and wallop one another with nail-fettered baseball bats. On the case is detective Not-Marky Wahlberg, whose son is amongst the captives in Jigsaw's house of fun. Jigsaw is captured quite early on in the movie, but remains in control throughout, since he's one smart cookie cancer patient. The emphasis is more on action and big set-piece gore in this sequel, as opposed to the original's more subtle sense of menace and horror.

Yuk it up. Yes, I used the word 'subtle' in relation to a Saw movie.

And yes again, I know this screengrab isn't from Saw II

I actually managed to detect the twist this time around, although that doesn't really detract from the ending and the cruelty of one character's fate. SPOILER: poor Not-Marky. His suffering wouldn't end until either Saw IV, V or VI. I forget which one had the ice-blocks in it. That said, Tobin Bell's Jigsaw is given a much bigger role this time, which is a mistake depending on one's perspective and how likeable you find the character. I know you're not supposed to like horror villains, but personally, I was rooting for Not-Marky to kill him with that beating. Sadly not, and the whole thing serves only as inspiration for another big Jigsaw lecture. Yawn. There's a reason Jason and Leatherface keep their mouths shut. No-one gives a fuck, Jigsaw. Only Freddy can carry of the talky killer bit - and that's only because he says "bitch" a lot.

Donnie Wahlberg: not Mark(y)

Also given a bigger role but with marginally more success is Shawnee Smith as Amanda, one of Jigsaw's earlier victims. As we all know, Amanda would later be revealed as Jigsaw's willing apprentice and a bit of a loon, but we're here led to believe that she's stuck amongst the kidnapped. For her trouble, she ends up lobbed in a pit full of skanky old needles and told to look for a key. It's the nastiest moment in Saw II and works a lot better than some of the more elaborate traps. Of all the movies, it's this second instalment that I hate the least. The original movie might be technically better, but this sequel has an energy and pizazz that I kinda dig despite the occasional shoddiness.

The twist might be mildly guessable, but it works. The franchise saw fit to sort-of reuse it in the fifth, sixth or whatever movie because why not and screenwriting is hard. If they'd stopped now, all would have been well and good. But Jigsaw lives to grumble another day and Donnie Wahlberg ends up locked in a toilet. Next up comes some brain surgery, the waste of Shawnee Smith's potential and the exact point where the series should have ended for good.