4. The Night Before

Director: Jonathan Levine (2015)
Starring: Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Seth Rogen, Anthony Mackie
Find it: IMDB

Because we needed something to wash the taste of Filth out of our collective mouths. A Christmas addition to the ever-growing subgenre of high (ish) concept R-rated Bro Comedies that took off in 2009 with The Hangover, and still refuses to die off, nearly eight years later. Mister Seth Rogen has been responsible for more of these movies than most (his delightful Pineapple Express pre-dates The Hangover), usually with the help of a certain James Franco.

But Franco is foregone in The Night Before, replaced by Joseph Gordon-Levitt (who is essentially a more likeable, less weird version of James Franco anyway) and B-list Avenger Anthony Mackie. Old schoolfriends, this mismatched trio of misfits have an annual tradition of going out every Christmas Eve and getting themselves utterly blitz(en)ed, thanks to an undiluted combination of booze, drugs and hotheadedness. But Rogen's Isaac is soon to be a father, and sportsman Chris (Mackie) has hit the big time, making this Christmas their last together. The lonely and heartbroken Ethan (Gordon-Levitt) is determined to make it the best yet...

It's a simple plot, and follows a predictable through-line: the friends take a bunch of drugs, get into some zany, risque scrapes, all fall out, feel sad and then (spoiler) reconnect in time for the feel-good ending. What makes The Night Before special, however, is everything which comes between. The film's strongest suit is the sheer chemistry and likability of its three leads. The men bicker, act weird and get up to some morally grey shit, but... well, it's Seth Rogen, Anthony Mackie and Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Just you try being mad at those cheeky little faces. Although Seth Rogen is kind of annoying in this movie, and I say that as a massive fan of Seth Rogen. Here he's like that one friend you have who gets wasted far too quickly on a night out but refuses to go home, and becomes increasingly annoying as the party goes on.

Like everything else though, it's worth it for the payoffs - specifically, dick pics and a great hallucinatory sequence at the end. Almost every joke and setup has a fairly predictable punchline - Chris's weed gets stolen, Jewish Isaac goes to midnight mass, Ethan embarrasses himself in front of his ex, but The Night Before commits hard, and throws in enough strange, subversive or darker touches that it all feels far more original than maybe it is.

Its cameos are too good to be spoiled, but with a supporting cast which takes in Lizzy Caplan, Mindy Kaling and Jillian Bell and Ilana Glazer, the film is more than just men behaving badly. Bell's role is relatively small, but a great alternative to the usual shrewish, nagging wife we'd usually get in this sort of movie. Glazer is similarly fantastic as Rebecca Grinch, who pays wonderfully against Mackie, and even giving him his own action sequence to liven things up.

None of them, however, can hold a candle to The Night Before's real star - Michael Shannon, as the guys' drug dealer, Mister Green. The Christmas present I didn't know I wanted until I saw it, Mister Green is... well, beautifully Michael Shannon, charismatic and terrifying at the same time.

'Transcendent' is a big word and is thrown around far too liberally for my liking. It's a word which almost certainly doesn't apply to a film like The Night Before, and yet here I am, using it. It takes a not-particularly-inspiring template and uses that to apply some of the biggest laughs I've had this year. It's not quite a Christmas miracle, but its stars are certainly bona fide angels in my book. Especially you, Michael Shannon.

3. Filth

Director: Jon S. Baird (2013)
Starring: James McAvoy, Jamie Bell, Eddie Marsan
Find it: IMDB

What's Christmassy, you say, about a film in which the life of a corrupt, drug-addled, alcoholic Scottish copper finally falls to pieces, leaving him broken, alone and suicidal? Filth is a film about chronic, self-destructive misery and loneliness during the festive period. Which, in my books, makes it every bit as Christmassy as Santa Claus, eggnog and the Queen's speech. And, if you still need convincing, it has a Christmas soundtrack.

Look, nobody wants to admit it, but being unhappy at Christmas is all a part of the grand tradition. Just look at your seasonal classics: It's a Wonderful Life, A Christmas Carol, and Moe Szyslak's annual suicide attempt ... from the very earliest days of popular TV, literature and movies, writers and filmmakers have been depicting Christmas sadness in its many forms, with varying degrees of darkness. Filth is as black as it comes, making Bad Santa look like Elf by comparison.

For the first time since 2014, I watched Filth again this year. That doesn't sound like much - I don't watch films all the time, and many (most) I'll never watch again. But this is one I watched at least three times in the year following its release, coming to appreciate and connect with it more upon each viewing. Not only is Filth my favourite movie of 2013, but there's something about it which makes it one of my favourite films of this century, period. Filth is a film which deeply, deeply resonated with the Joel of 2013-14, to the extent where I had to stop watching it for a couple of years.

Spoilers, yes, because of the ending and Bruce's suicide. During a period of five years when I was at my lowest ebb in life and culminating with the 'time to get help' August of 2014, something in Filth - the self-loathing, the guilt, the loneliness and repressed grief of Bruce Robertson- reached out and spoke to me; specifically what I perceived at the time to be his 'taking back control' in his final act. Like I said, pitch black as it comes, almost matching the dark heart of the novel upon which it is based, and almost as good too. Never let them tell you that art isn't dangerous. I wouldn't change it for the world, though.

Now, the technical stuff: Filth is packed with an excellent cast from all avenues of British cinema. James McAvoy is perfectly cast as Robbo, his greasy hair and crap beard (you can still see the chin beneath, which is a problem I also suffer from when trying to grow facial hair) practically emanating stink through the screen. The always underrated Eddie Marsan puts in a funny, sympathetic performance as Bruce's punching bag best mate, and there's Jim Broadbent too, as Bruce's doctor. Shauna MacDonald (adored since The Descent), Jamie Bell, Imogen Poots, John Sessions, Shirley Henderson, Iain De Caestecker and Martin Compston fill out the strong supporting cast, while genre fans should also get a kick out of seeing the fantastic Pollyanna McIntosh show her face too. Its excellent soundtrack (a mix of Christmas songs and retro pop anthems), haunting score and Scottish burr make it one of the best sounding movies out there too.

Blackly hilarious, upsetting, troubling and curiously uplifting at the same time, Filth is the very Scottish answer to Bad Lieutenant and Bad Santa, and a great addition to the always 'fun' irredeemable-people-seeking-vague-redemption subgenre.

As time passes, however, so does one's perspective on art, and life. I watched Filth again in preparation for this piece and, this time, something about it didn't quite click. It remains one of my favourite films of this decade, but a part of me has moved on from Filth. And that's probably for the best.

Related: this piece I wrote for men's health charity The CALM Zone.

Terminator Genisys

Director: Alan Taylor (2015)
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Emilia Clarke, Jai Courtney
Find it: IMDB

Thanks to JJ Abrams and his 2009 Star Trek effort (which I thought was okay at the time, but really isn't), the reboot-quel is a thing. This, when it's at home, being an instalment in a franchise which rewrites previous entries but acknowledges that no, it did all happen - it just doesn't really matter anymore. At best, that gets us Mad Max: Fury Road (which, granted, barely counts). At worst, Terminator Genisys. And yeah, the lack of a colon in that title is bugging me too.

Disregarding the events of previous sequels, the story here sees John Connor (Jason Clarke) send best friend and secret dad Kyle Reese (Jai fucking Courtney) back to 1984 to save mother dearest Sarah Connor (the film's other, even worse Clarke) from the plot of Terminator. Only when he gets there, things are not as we remember them. Sarah is not only already savvy to the existence of Terminators, but has her own in tow - the aged 'pops', played by a returning Arnold Schwarzenegger. Just one or two Terminators isn't enough though, and it's not long before Sarah, Kyle and Pops are battling swathes of machines, new and old (including a digitally de-aged Arnie and a tacked-on T-1000). This being my own personal dystopia of movie blockbusters, that involves heaps of CGI, stupidly bloodless violence and big, loud action sequences so busy that it's impossible to tell what's going on most of the time. Not since Transformers 2 have I been so actively bored by a film with so many action sequences. And this is a franchise I actually like, most of the time.

Jai fucking Courtney is Kyle Reese: 

Truly, we are living in the darkest timeline.

There's a bit of amusement to be had in the earlier sections, which replay moments from the original Terminator with a nudge and a wink (the fight between old Arnie and de-aged young Arnie being a highlight) but that falls apart the moment the characters start speaking. Courtney and Clarke have no chemistry whatsoever, completely failing to sell the love story element. While we expect Courtney to be wooden, there's no excuse for Clarke (Emilia, not Jason), who fails to convince on every level of being Sarah Connor. She's not helped much by a script which turns Sarah Connor into a woman who uses the word 'like' as a form of punctuation. Like, not cool.

This generation's Michael B- No, I can't. Not even in jest.

By the time the film skips to 2017, fucking about with a Smartphone app, Matt Smith (simultaneously wasted and awful in a glorified cameo), and a time-travelling John Connor (not a spoiler), I had pretty much given up on Genisys. As Kyle and Sarah are arrested for the second time in one film, I was screaming at the movie to end already (it's three times for Kyle, who is arrested almost as soon as he gets to 1984). Only J.K Simmons and a wry Arnie manage to enliven matters, the latter even tugging a couple of heartstrings in spite of the contrivance of it all. It ends baiting a sequel (of course it does) but here's hoping that particular future can be averted. Now, where's that time machine at?

Terminator Genisys may be lacking a colon, but that doesn't stop it from being full of shit.

Nymph()maniac: Volume II

Director: Lars von Trier (2013)
Starring: Charlotte Gainsbourg, Stellan Skarsgard, Jamie Bell
Find it: IMDB

'Always go darker' is the general rule most films abide by when making a sequel or second volume of a story. This is true enough of Nymph()maniac: Volume II, which begins to explore the less pleasant elements of Joe's sex addiction (yes, even less pleasant than being bummed by a disinterested Shia LaBeouf). No longer able to achieve orgasm, the now-married Joe (Gainsbourg) is given permission by husband Jerome (LaBeouf) to try elsewhere. This she does, to the detriment of her marriage, health and general well-being.

Volume II introduces us to Jamie Bell's 'K', a sadistic BDSM maestro who shows fan-fiction wanker Christian Grey up for the vanilla pie he really is. As with LaBeouf and Slater, this is the best I've ever seen Bell, the act laying to rest his Billy Elliot ballet shoes once and for all. A relatively small part, it nevertheless ushers in Nymph()maniac's even darker sensibilities, spelling bad times ahead for poor nympho Joe.

Like Kill Bill: Volume II before it, the fun and the action (albeit a different kind of action) is toned down to make way for more dialogue, more metaphor and deeper pondering. Is von Trier 'slut shaming' his heroine here by having her so battered and defeated during this second volume? Or is it instead (as is suggested through the dialogue) a noble attempt at feminism, leaving its protagonist to be ultimately admired? Granted, feminism is not a word you'd usually apply to a film which depicts a man punching a lady square in the face, but von Trier is a filmmaker whose work tends to defy classification. Fluffy pink handcuffs this is not.

Nymph()maniac is the sort of film you either love or hate. It's long, pretentious and dubious in its sexual politics. It's also gratuitous, depressing and potentially very offensive to a lot of people. Forget about love; I adored it.

Nymph()maniac: Volume I

Director: Lars von Trier (2013)
Starring: Charlotte Gainsbourg, Stellan Skarsgard, Shia LaBeouf
Find it: IMDB

You don't get much more pretentious than a four hour sex movie directed by a man with the affectation 'von' in his name. Split into two volumes, Nymp()maniac is Lars von Trier's Kill Bill. It is also precisely as pretentious as you would expect it to be. Employing such typical Trier techniques as splitting the film into chapters, portraying scenes of semi-hardcore sex and getting Charlotte Gainsbourg to take her clothes off a lot, this isn't a film for casual cinema-goers. Tune in expecting Transformers level Shia LaBeouf and you will be sorely fucking disappointed. Or thoroughly relieved, depending upon your perspective.

That said, it's a shame LaBeouf - or LaBuff, in this case - isn't famous anymore, since this is the best I have ever seen him. Not even the "eh, he wasn't too bad" of Lawless compares - Shit The Beef (or LaBeefcake) is genuinely, legitimately excellent in Nymph()maniac. The same goes for Christian Slater, who is good in theory, but has actually been in very few decent films over the course of his disappointing career. Here, he portrays the film's most sympathetic character and gives the story its tenderest moments. If the cast's two worst actors are excellent in this film, then it speaks volumes as to how good everyone else is in it.

When lonely scholar Seligman (Skarsgard) finds a woman savagely beaten in the alleyway by his home, he picks the poor dear up and shepherds her indoors to recover. Tucked up in bed, Joe (Gainsbourg) recounts her story, giving patient listener Seligman her account of a humble nymphomaniac and how she came to be beaten up and left, battered and bruise, in an alleyway. The story she tells will put hair on your chest. It's little wonder Skarsgard took all of his clothes off and went mad for Thor 2, listening to this bizarre, explicit tale.

Telling the story of Joe's life, from childhood to her marriage, Volume I covers a lot of ground - most of it disturbing and slightly unsavoury, but staged well enough that you'll experience the requisite downstairs stirrings if you're of an open enough mind. Volume I's highlights include oral sex on a train, a hysterical Uma Thurman and Seligman talking about fishing all the time (metaphors, see). The most powerful moments, surprisingly, come from Christian Slater while, well, there's a lot of shagging elsewhere. It's bizarre, disturbing and sexy in a way that only a Lars von Trier film can be. All that, and a Rammstein soundtrack too.

Filth

Director: Jon S. Baird (2013)
Starring: James McAvoy, Jamie Bell, Eddie Marsan
Find it: IMDB

A film which was released in October and I have seen three times already. A film which apparently gets better every time I see it. A film which I gave a 3/5 the first time I saw it, a 4/5 the second time I watched it and, finally, 5/5 last time. I guess next time I see Filth, it'll have achieved 6/5. By the time I watch it for the umpteenth time, it'll have achieved self-awareness.

I have never claimed to be one of those impartial, objective reviewer types, but there is something about Filth which really speaks to me, making it one of the best films I've seen in years. Maybe it's because James McAvoy is also incapable of growing a beard, instead winding up with a crap gingery, pube-esque stubble through which you can still sort of see the outline of a chin. Shit beard growers of the word, unite.

McAvoy plays Filth, a medium-ranking police officer suffering from drug addiction, alcoholism and a severe bipolar disorder. Determined to score himself a big promotion, Filth bullies, lies and undermines his way around his colleagues while also attempting to solve an all-important murder case on the way. Meanwhile, the hallucinations and delusions get ever worse, with Filth Bruce rapidly spiralling out of control. I read Irvine Welsh's Filth in preparation for its UK cinema release. It quickly climbed the charts to become one of the best things I've ever read.

As such, Baird's adaptation was initially a disappointment. There's not even a tapeworm. The film baulks at the darkness of Welsh's novel, cutting back and toning down much of its excesses. Honestly, I just wanted the tapeworm. But then, as I watched the film for a second and third time, I came to appreciate Filth for what it was - watchable. Honestly, if they'd left in everything the film cut out, you'd be left with something as unwatchable as Salo. And, besides, this version has an insane energy all of its own.

McAvoy is mesmerising as the almost irredeemable Bruce Robertson. Grubby, nasty, horrible and yet charismatic in spite of it all, it's a fascinating portrayal of a very Scottish Bad Leuitenant. It's not hard to imagine Nicolas Cage playing Bruce in an American remake. Around him, the film thrives on its surrealist scenes of fantasy, animation, impromptu musical numbers and, um, Jim Broadbent with a massive head (essentially standing in for a tapeworm). Eddie Marsan, Shauna Macdonald, Jamie Bell and Imogen Poots all impress in supporting roles, while John Sessions is the most bearable he's ever been.  

Since its release, Filth has quickly become a solid favourite. Even better, its Christmas setting makes it a great festive watch. This isn't the Filth of the novel, but it's gorgeous all the same.

Bad Ass

Director: Craig Moss (2012)
Starring: Danny Trejo, Ron Perlman, Charles S. Dutton
Find it: IMDB

Danny Trejo plays internet meme Frank Vega in Bad Ass, a film about a man who beats up some ne'er-do-wells on a bus. This heartwarming tale is adapted from a real-life incident in which a bearded Vietnam veteran beats the piss out of a ne'er-do-well on a bus, earning himself the moniker 'Epic Beard Man'. Trejo turns the moustache into a epic beard for Bad Ass, but leaves out the bit where Vega was called Thomas Bruso, was white, had severe mental disorders, and actually beat up one black man instead of two white skinhead thugs. Which man was in the right or wrong is debatable, but what we do know is that neither man was Danny Trejo and the event was not as clear cut as Bad Ass makes it out to be. This is a man who rides around on public transport wearing a t-shirt with 'I am a motherfucker' written on the back, after all.

Given that a punch up on a bus takes all of five minutes, that leaves the filmmakers with another eighty minutes worth of film to make. Do they spend that time with Frank Vega in Vietnam? Or show how he knocked out his own father when he was fifteen? Or how his mother put him in the oven when he was a baby? (The latter we can assume never happened to Vega, given his cute, slightly creepy relationship with his cuddly on-screen mom here). No, Bad Ass invents a story about Vega's friend being murdered, leaving the angry pensioner to track down those responsible. It's like Death Wish or Harry Brown, but with a fanny pack and a epic beard.

Ron Perlman and Charles S. Dutton are there to spice up the story a little, but they're barely in it. Trejo does fine as Vega, but his beard looks like shit and even he can't hide the fact that the film has nothing relevant to actually say. Director Craig Moss, veteran of such classy pieces as Breaking Wind Part 1 and 30 Nights of Paranormal Activity with the Devil Inside the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo struggles with the tone, resulting in a film that feels like it should be a lot funnier than it is. There's mileage to be had in seeing Trejo battering the piss out of a group of gangbangers (which he can still do more plausibly than, say, Steven Seagal) and his fight with a giant Bond villain knock-off is a lot of fun, but Epic Beard Man: The Movie (a title they should totally have kept) largely comes up wanting. At least it's better than Machete Kills, though.

Somehow, Bad Ass did well enough to get itself a sequel - Bad Asses, co-starring Danny Glover is on its way later this year - but the joke was already wearing thin after five minutes. Stallone should probably let Trejo in his Expendables now, if only to stop him from making Straight to DVD shit like this. Bad Ass is anything but(t). 

Olympus Has Fallen

Director: Antoine Fuqua (2013)
Starring: Gerard Butler, Aaron Eckhart, Dylan McDermott
Find it: IMDB

Politicians don't have an easy time of it, when they're played by Aaron Eckhart. As District Attorney Harvey Dent in The Dark Knight, Eckhart was emotionally and physically scarred in half by his experiences at the hands of the Joker and Batman, before being lobbed off've the side of a building, wasting a good character and a great actor. In Olympus Has Fallen, Eckhart plays the President of the United States, widower, hostage to Korean terrorists and victim of a crazed stalker.

That said, a good stalker has his uses. In this case, ex-bodyguard Mike Banning proves to be quite useful, taking it upon himself to break into the White House and rescue Mr. President where everyone else has failed. It's Die Hard in the White House, although Olympus Has Fallen would have been vastly improved by a protagonist who wasn't such an Olympic level Presidential arse-kisser as Banning. His rush to get to the White House when he discovers it's under attack reeks of desperation rather than heroism. Have a little dignity, dude. Rather that, though, than the early scenes in which we see him act as best pal (and boxing coach) to the Prez, fashion advisor to the First Lady and nanny to their son. It's a little tragic, really. If it weren't for the terrorists, Olympus Has Fallen would be just a really sad version of One Hour Photo or The Cable Guy. The opening, by the way, has been nicked straight from Stallone and his Cliffhanger.

I'd heard good things about Olympus Has Fallen (admittedly, only from Butler himself on the Graham Norton show) but I can't fathom why. It's far too dark, nowhere near brutal enough (save, worryingly, for one attack on a female worker) and far too silly. We're expected to believe that no-one in the White House ever changes their passwords, and that the US army wouldn't have put a stop to the terrorists' shit before it had even started. I did laugh at the line "let's play a game of fuck off," though.

At least it's well acted, with Butler, Eckhart, McDermott and Morgan Freeman (if in doubt, put Morgan Freeman in charge) all turning in decent performances. It's just a shame that the action and story couldn't have been a little better. Derivative of Die Hard, Under Siege and Air Force One, it feels like a throwback to the good old fashioned action films of yesteryear, but without the sense of brutality or grit. Butler is a good action man, but this film is too slick, too dull to showcase his talents.

Olympus Has Fallen, alright - alseep, that is. Just like I did.

The Wolverine

Director: James Mangold (2013)
Starring: Hugh Jackman, Tao Okamoto, Rila Fukushima
Find it: IMDB

He's the best he is at what he does. Apart from films. He's not very good at those. Aside from his cameo in First Class, I've not really cared for (the) Wolverine since X-Men 2. There's only so many times you can stick a character with massive claws on his hands in a 12A film before I lose interest and start demanding he stab something. Thankfully, The Wolverine bypasses that particular criticism by being one of the most age inappropriate 12A films I've ever seen.  

Very little blood is shed, but necks are broken willy-nilly, Logan stabs a great many Yakuza, and there's the return of his new catchphrase. No, not 'bub', go fuck yourself. Obviously I couldn't care less about your children, but this should have been 15 rated by a mile. I look forward to a 12A Punisher film in which Frank Castle blasts the hell out of Jigsaw and his men in a manner which is incredibly violent yet suitable for all the family! Just like A Good Day to Die Hard and Taken 2. Thankfully, The Wolverine is far better than either of those films. While still being fairly flawed itself.

Recovering from the events of X-Men 3 (aren't we all) Wolverine is living in a cave, rocking the Old Man Logan look. His only friend a grumpy bear and a hallucinatory Jean Grey (hello again, Famke Janssen) Wolverine is dragged from retirement when an old acquaintance comes calling. No sooner is he off the plane in Japan than he's embroiled in all manner of Yakuza shenanigans and ninja conspiracy. It's like a seventies' Yakuza film, starring Wolverine. Which is no bad thing. It's a far cry from the Frank Miller comics the film was inspired by, but still a lot of fun. Not once does the ol' Canucklehead get down on his knees and scream "noooooo" at the sky (apart from in an iffy poster or two). True, his haircut is horrible and the final twist is predictable, but director James Mangold gets a lot more right than he does wrong. Jackman remains faultless as Wolverine - this might just be his best appearance as the character (First Class not withstanding) yet. And at last we have a Wolverine film which realises the potential of a lead character who can take all manner of abuse before falling down. Logan is exploded, shot, stabbed and filled up full of arrows throughout The Wolverine. There's even a couple of moments during the last act which genuinely made my knuckles ache with sympathy.

Inexplicable photo of the day

The Wolverine is a return to form for one of cinema's (and the comics') most overexposed characters. While it has its fair share of flaws (not the least that haircut) it does make Wolverine a figure to be reckoned with once more. This might just be his most impressive regeneration yet.

Come and See

Director: Elim Klimov (1985)
Starring: Aleksey Kravchenko, Olga Mironova, Liubomiras Lauciavicius
Find it: IMDB

I first became aware of Come and See working my way through the Time Out Top 100 horror films. After embarrassing myself by not having seen nearly enough classics, I decided to watch every film on the list. At no. 100 - Come and See. 'Pooh', I scoffed (yes, I scoff poo) - 'They have just put this foreign language war film on the list because they want people to think that they're all classy and shit. They should have put Maniac Cop on here instead.'

Come and See might indeed be all classy and shit, but make no mistake - it deserves its place on that list. Of all the films I've seen on it, it is by far the most horrifying. And yes, it is actually better than Maniac Cop. Don't let the fact that it's based on reality put you off, either - some of the most terrifying things in the world are based in reality. That's what makes them so scary. My Ex, for example.

Digging in the mud by his home, young Flyora (Kravchenko), finds an old military-issue rifle. He immediately leaves home to join the Soviet partisan forces in their fight against Hitler, much to his mother and sisters' distress. There, he finds himself being distressed for the rest of the time, separated from his unit (who have left him behind for his own good), constantly having bombs dropped near his head and nearly drowning all the time. There's an atmosphere of deep discomfort and unpleasantness about Come and See, and that's before the Nazis even appear.

Come and See, despite not really being a proper horror film, is one of the most haunting, distressing things I have ever seen. It looks, sounds and feels like a horror film though, with a gruesome surrealist streak a mile wide. And judging by the look on poor Flyora's face, I'd venture that he finds it to be pretty damn horrifying himself.

Kravchenko gives what might be the greatest performance I have ever seen from a young person, his oh-so expressive face wordlessly conveying the sheer horror of war. It's like Apocalypse Now, remade in a little boy's face. As the Nazis eventually arrive, you really don't want to go any further or see any more. Their destruction of a small village full of people is unimaginably terrible, like some sort of Nazi Glastonbury. With its long, drawn out scenes of human suffering, it almost challenges you to keep watching.   

Come and See is powerful, distressing and incredibly moving. Is it horror? Yes, and no, but then I don't consider the term 'horror film' to be an insult. It's like a history lesson, crossed with The Shining. Come and See? Only if you like being miserable.

The Dark Knight Returns: Part I

Director: Jay Olivia (2012)

Starring: Peter Weller, Ariel Winter, David Selby

Find it: IMDB

The best Batman movie of the year. There's a reason I haven't gotten around to reviewing The Dark Knight Rises yet, and that reason has something to do with Christopher Nolan's trilogy topper leaving me profoundly disappointed. The Dark Knight Rises is an okay comic book slash action movie, I suppose, but it's a sucky Batman film. In Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy, The Batman has now spent more time retired than he has fighting crime. The Dark Knight's career effectively consists of him beating up some criminals, toppling a gangster, defeating the Joker and getting his girlfriend killed. Also, taking the credit for Two-Face's death. Still, I liked Bane, and the bit with the football field was good.

But wait, this is a review of The Dark Knight Returns, not that other thing. Batman (Weller) is retired again - although in this instance, he does deserve a bit of a rest after a good few years of crime-fighting. Jason Todd is dead, Dick Grayson estranged, and the city is overrun by a gang of criminals calling themselves 'The Mutants'. Bored and still harbouring serious anger management issues, Batman Returns to sort his city out. First on his to-do list: the re-emergence of Two-Face and the hiring of a new Robin.

The Dark Knight Returns made me feel exactly how I wanted The Dark Knight Rises to make me feel. I genuinely had chills run down my spine during the "operating table" line, as well as during Bats' initial return. He might look disconcertingly like an angry version of his Brave and the Bold self here, but this Batman is properly scary. Not since Batman Begins have we seen Batman really terrorise the fuck out of some unsuspecting criminals. This adaptation of Frank Miller's comic book is almost entirely faithful, save for a few wisely chosen moments which make Batman less of a dickhead. Namely the scene from the book, in which Batman uses a criminal's massive machine gun to blow the bastard away - this adaptation has him simply conk the bad guy on the head with it, which feels more consistent with the Batman we know and love.

Except for maybe this one.

  

As with the other recent DC animated movies, it looks geat; very similar to Miller's artwork, except without the crap panels and occasionally dodgy anatomy. The voice acting isn't bad, although David Selby's Commissioner Gordon sounds a tad too old and doddery. There will always be those who say that Batman should be voiced by Kevin Conroy and no-one else, but I liked Peter Weller's crusty, understated version. The music is ace too, with a nice booming synth score which makes The Dark Knight Returns sound like an 80s action film.

Frank Miller may have gone off the rails recently, but this work remains as good as ever. I watched this as part of a double bill with Year One, and enjoyed both tremendously. Nobody does fascism fetishism like 80s' Frank Miller. I may never get an All-Star Batman and Robin adaptation (starring Charlie Sheen as the goddamn Batman) but The Dark Knight Returns (Part 1) will do quite nicely instead. 

The best Batman movie of 2012.    

The Avengers

Director: Joss Whedon (2012)
Starring: Robert Downey Jr, Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth
Find it: IMDB

Here in the UK by some trickery of Loki, The Avengers goes by another, much stupider name. I suppose Marvel wanted to disassociate this film with its 1998 incarnation. So ashamed are the studio of that Uma Thurman slash Ralph Fiennes bomb that even the character names have been changed for Joss Whedon's reboot. They're still fairly recognisable though: Scarlett Johansson can go around calling herself Black Widow all she wants, she's definitely playing the Emma Peel part. And jolly well she does it too. The role of Steed is vastly reduced, but Clark Gregg brings charm and stoicism to the character. Not an umbrella though, which is disappointing. 

Peel and Steed are minor characters though, compared to The Avengers' newest recruits. There's Iron Man (Downey Jr) who has a smart mouth and flies around in an iPod suit listening to Black Sabbath. Thor (Hemsworth) is a Norse God with a massive hammer and great designer stubble. Captain America (Evans) is a man out of time; a relic from World War II, he dresses like your granddad and calls ladies "ma'am". You reportedly wouldn't like Bruce Banner (Ruffalo) when he's angry, although his Hulk gets the funniest moments in the film. And Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) has a bow and arrow. When Asgardian asshole Loki (Tom Hiddleston) threatens to take over the world, the Avengers must assemble to protect all humanity.   

Unless The Dark Knight Rises or Prometheus pull something pretty damn fantastic out of their respective bags, The Avengers is going to be my favourite film of 2012. It could never have matched my ridiculously high expectations, but it comes very, very close. As Thor and Iron Man began knocking lumps out of one another ("doth mother know you weareth her drapes?") I was giggling like a girl. And then, again, as Thor punched the Hulk in the face. Come the finale, I was beginning to know what multiple orgasm feels like.  

It's an imperfect epic: the plot is silly and a little saggy. Samuel L Jackson does nothing for me as Fury (I still dream of Clint Eastwood). I really wanted to see the whole team have to fight Hulk, not just Thor. Captain America feels like a guest star rather than one of the big hitters - and his costume looks awful. But it's just too spectacular for my nerdy soul to not wholeheartedly love. I hadn't thought much of Loki in Thor, but in The Avengers he feels like a genuine threat. And a foul-mouthed one, too. Its apocalyptic endgame is similar to that of Transformers: Dark of the Moon but in emphasising character over thrills and spills, it feels very different. If it's fun watching the Avengers fight amongst themselves (in a series of battles that feel very Marvel vs Capcom) it's fullt incredible to see them put aside their differences to become team-mates.

With The Avengers, Marvel may just have punched themselves into a mighty deep hole. The individual characters' sequels are soon to follow, but I don't know how satisfied I can be with just Captain America on his own, Thor riding solo or Tony Stark without his fellow Avengers to riff off've. With this wrapped and The Dark Knight Rises on the horizon, I really don't envy the next batch of superhero flicks.  

   

The Hunger Games

Director: Gary Ross (2012)

Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Woody Harrelson

Find it: IMDB

Well, if I am going to watch a kids' film, it had better have half of the children in it violently murdering one another. Unlike pretty much everyone else in existence, I would like to conduct this review without comparing The Hunger Games to either Twilight or Battle Royale. The former proves easy, since The Hunger Games is cock all like Twilight. The only similarities I can see is a hefty female fanbase (although men can enjoy The Hunger Games too), silly character names and a female lead. Katniss Everdeen (Lawrence) shits all over Bella Swan though, with her competence and personality.

Not comparing it to Battle Royale proves difficult though, since I am a lazy reviewer and it is a bit like Battle Royale. In a dystopian future, the working class are split up into 12 Districts. As a punishment for an earlier uprising, the ruling government forces each of those districts to give up two of their children for participation in the annual 'Hunger Games'. The Hunger Games pit 24 children against one another in a battle to the death. There can only be one survivor. When her cute wee sister is picked out for the year's Games, gutsy Katniss Everdeen has no choice but to offer herself up instead. She and fellow tribute Peeta (Hutcherson) are whisked away from their district and trained for the fight of their lives.

Like the book, it takes an age to get to the actual fighting. It spends as long getting Katniss and Peeta ready for the Games as it does for Bruce Willis to get to the asteroid in Armageddon. It feels like a series of Metal Gear Solid cut-scenes in this respect. "Yes, it's very pretty but STFU up and let me kill something, will you." And then, when the action does get underway, it's shot and edited in a manner that makes it impossible to see anything. Most of the participants die, offscreen, with little explanation. I wasn't expecting to see gore or explicit violence, but I hoped to see something. Well, maybe not that bit with the stupid dogs.

My favourite hunger game.

My impatience and bloodthirst aside, The Hunger Games is a very enjoyable piece of kiddies' cinema. Woody Harrelson is typically excellent as the drunken Haymitch (although I would have liked to have seen them keep the scene from the book where he collpases in a pool of his own vomit), as are the ever reliable Stanley Tucci and Elizabeth Banks. Donald Sutherland phones it in a bit, whilst - shit, is that Lenny Kravitz? Jennifer Lawrence is good in the leading role. It's a shame that the film has her screwing up and being rescued all the time, as it would have been far more entertaining to see her go all Rambo with that bow and arrow. If the film does have a Damsel In Distress, it comes in the form of Josh Hutcherson and his wimpy Peeta. I suppose there's another Twilight similarity there; neither of the potential love interests seem remotely desirable. It looks great though, particularly the shiny, shiny scenes in the Capitol and those with Stanley Tucci and his blue hair. It's funny too, and even touching at times. Wooden as some of the young actors might be, none of them are actively irritating.

That braggarty tagline has come good, it seems. The world is indeed watching. Even me, and I normally hate this sort of thing. Watch The Hunger Games: yes, it has kids in it, but most of them die.

Tyrannosaur

Director: Paddy Considine (2011)

Starring: Peter Mullan, Olivia Colman, Eddie Marsan

Find it: IMDB

Not a film about my favourite dinosaur. Not at all. Tyrannosaur is a grim and gritty British film about angry people and miserable people being angry and miserable. It opens with the main character kicking his pet dog to death. That we eventually come to care for Joseph (Mullan) is a testament to the script, direction and powerhouse performances.

Drunk and angry (usually at the same time) Joseph happens across Hannah (Colman) who works in a local charity shop. They bond as Joseph snarls loathsome sweet nothings at her over a cup of tea. Hannah's life is less than dandy. A battered housewife, she lives in fear of husband James (Marsan). When he learns of her burgeoning friendship with Joseph, it becomes evident that things are building to a violent head. To be sure, there will be misery.

It's a film made up of awkward lengths of time between hugs. There's a moment when Hannah begs Joseph to hold her. During the time it takes, I felt like kicking the screen in and climbing inside the TV to do it myself. And I have a flat-screen; that shit ain't easy. When you're not wishing the characters would shut up and just hug one another, you're waiting for them to apologise. Joseph goes around saying and doing some awfully cunty things. Never mind dinosaurs, Tyrannosaur is one big game of apologetic chicken. As a tale of redemption, it makes the viewer squint extra hard for those slivers of hope. It's almost too grim at times, occasionally taking itself a little too seriously. Like his character in Dead Man's Shoes, there's a feeling that director Paddy Considine could afford to lighten up a little.

It's an incredibly powerful, emotive piece of British cinema, delivering doom and gloom in a manner that us Brits seem to excel at. No dinosaur, though.

Sucker Punch

Director: Zack Snyder (2011)

Starring: Emily Browning, Abbie Cornish, Jena Malone

Find it: IMDB

AKA Speed Ramping: The Movie. It's like 300 except with super hot women instead of super hot men. It's a movie that probably employed more makeup artists than actors. Even when lead hottie Babydoll (Browning) is incarcerated in a hospital for the clinically insane, she's done up to the nines. I've seen the Joker wear less makeup in Arkham Asylum.

I really enjoy Zack Snyder's movies, but it's starting to feel as though he has trouble delivering anything beyond fancy visuals. His debut, the Dawn of the Dead remake still remains my favourite Snyder movie. Watchmen never really transcends the source material enough to become its own thing, and I've never been a fan of 300. It's the same reason I can't play Call of Duty; too much macho makes me feel ill. Sucker Punch might be all about the hot girls, but it still feels sickeningly macho. If 'girl power' is female macho, then Sucker Punch has girl power in spades. I actually think it would have been improved by putting some Spice Girls on the soundtrack.

But Sucker Punch has no such self-awareness. And its supposed female empowerment is undermined by a wardrobe that's all fishnets & schoolgirl outfits and the leering gaze of the camera. After accidentally shooting her sister and attempting to murder her rapey stepfather, Babydoll is committed to an asylum for the criminally insane. There she awaits the arrival of a lobotomist to relieve her of her troublesome mind. Can she escape before he arrives? In an attempt to do so, Babydoll retreats into a fantasy world and then another fantasy world inside that fantasy world. It's like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest if One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest had been stupid. It's like Shutter Island as made by somebody who didn't read Shutter Island but played a lot of videogames instead.

In her fantasy world, Babydoll is friends with Vanessa Hudgens, Jena Malone and Abby Cornish. Apparently Vanessa Hudgens plays the streetwise one, although I didn't really pick that up, given that she only has a handful of lines of dialogue. To escape the institution, Babydoll and her friends must steal a number of tools. Every time Babydoll wants to steal something, she does a hypnotic dance at a warden/the cook/the mayor and her friends steal said item. Instead of seeing anyone steal anything, the film retreats into the fantasy-inside-the-fantasy and we see the girls fight Samurai or robots or zombies or serpents. This always happens in slow motion and it's always stupid except for maybe the one with the giant robot Samurai.

Sucker Punch looks lovely but its story verges on unbearable. None of the characters ever feel real - like videogame avatars they do little other than pout or kill things. Occasionally they pout and kill things at the same time. There's as much emotional investment as a game of Tomb Raider. Sucker Punch is like watching someone else play a videogame: it's very pretty and all, but entirely boring unless playing yourself. I may not physically have been punched, but I feel like a sucker for watching this movie.

31. Futurama: Jurassic Bark

Director: Swinton O. Scott III, Rich Moore (2002)

Starring: Billy West, Katey Sagal, John DiMaggio

Find it: IMDB

Mankind's single greatest achievement. The pinnacle of all animation, television and scripted entertainment anywhere. Jurassic Bark is the single greatest individual episode of any television series ever. No matter how many times I watch this episode (and I've seen it a lot) it never fails to reduce me to a blubbering wreck come the final montage. It is perfectly structured, written, acted and constructed. Jurassic Bark is the crowning episode for a TV series already overflowing with wit, intelligence and heart. Heartbreaking heart.

Delivery boy Fry visits a museum dedicated to the 20th Century. He is shocked to find the fossilized remains of his pet dog, Seymour, exhibited there. For three days he protests outside the museum, until they relent and give him the fossil. Professor Farnsworth discovers that a clone of Seymour can be made from the remains. Jealous Bender grabs the fossil and throws it in a pit of lava. Fry is devastated. Seeing his master's love for the dog ("I thought you were only pretending to love him to toy with my emotions") Bender leaps in the pit and retrieves Seymour. Just as Farnsworth is about to begin the cloning process, Fry has a sudden change of heart. "Seymour went on to live a full and happy life without me", he thinks. Concluding that Seymour would have forgotten all about him by the time he died, Fry violently aborts the operation. But did Seymour forget all about his beloved master after all? NO, NOT IN THE SLIGHTEST.

If you didn't find that video the most beautifully miserable thing ever, then you're an emotional husk. That final minute of the episode has affected me far more than any Requiem For A Dream, Bambi, Dancer In The Dark or death of Buffy. It is the perfect riposte to anyone who might claim that animation is shallow or childish. There are funnier and cleverer episodes of Futurama, but none reach the same notes. Some (The Luck Of The Fryish) come close, and others are heartbreaking for different reasons (Time Keeps On Slippin, The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings) but none have quite the sting (also a good episode) of Jurassic Bark.

The below score, by the way, is the highest 5/5 on the site. The below 5/5 is the standard by which everything else shall forever be judged.

30. Queen Rock Montreal

Director: Paul Swimmer (2007)

Starring: Freddie Mercury, Brian May, Roger Taylor, John Deacon

Find it: IMDB

The greatest band of all time, live at their 1981 concert in Montreal. The greatest frontman and vocalist of all time rocks his way through the set, starting with 'We Will Rock You' (yes, they will) and finishing with 'God Save The Queen,' via the greatest songs of all time. Basically, Queen Rocks Montreal is the greatest movie of all time. That is all.

29. Dancer In The Dark

Director: Lars von Trier (2000)

Starring: Bjork, Catherine Deneuve, David Morse, Peter Stormare

Find it: IMDB

Selma (Bjork) is a European immigrant relocated to America where she hopes to make a living. But life is not as happy as her cheerful outlook would deserve. She's suffering from a terribly degenerative disease that will soon leave her blind. And her young son looks to one day suffer the same fate. Earning a meager living, she's saving up for an expensive operation that she hopes will save his eyesight. All she has is a love for musicals and a really great singing voice.

Where I found the equally artful Requiem For A Dream to be dark, disturbing but overrated, Dancer In The Dark is completely successful in its aspirations to break your heart. I've never thought much of Lars von Trier, but this is his least pretentious and most genuine movie so far. The performances and direction are naturalistic, which makes up for some of the dodgy acting. Like Requiem For A Dream, it starts off reasonably light, but doesn't take long to build up to a crescendo of misery. Bjork is easier to sympathise with than Requiem's collection of desperate druggies. Also, she can sing something beautiful, which is more than Jared Leto can ever say for himself.

Whenever something terrible happens, Selma retreats into a fantasy musical world, and these are by far the most powerful and affecting sequences in the film. Von Trier makes the most of his leading lady's considerable talents, each of the songs achingly beautiful. David Morse and Peter Stormare join in with the singing too. They can't sing for toffee, but nor do they need to be able to. Dancer In The Dark is a realistic musical, its fantastical elements contrasting with the grit and realism of the story. It's quite a cruel trick by von Trier to have something horrible happen to lovely Bjork every time she starts singing.

The singing does soften the blow somewhat. Good. Because I certainly need comforting after watching Dancer In The Dark. This is what happens when you let Lars von Trier direct a musical.

28. Star Trek: Insurrection

Director: Jonathan Frakes (1998)

Starring: Patrick Stewart, Jonathan Frakes, Brent Spiner

Find it: IMDB

This is what happens when you let Riker direct a Star Trek movie. Headless Data, stupid aliens, an even stupider plot and Mister Worf singing Gilbert & Sullivan. There's a theory that all of the even numbered Star Trek movies are good and the odd numbered ones are shit. Insurrection is indeed kind of shit and it does indeed follow a good installment (that'd be First Contact, also directed by Jonathan Frakes). However, Nemesis is terrible too, so stick that in your space pipe and smoke it. A better rule of thumb would be that the Next Generation crew are simply a bit dull.

The crew of the Enterprise discover a magic planet that helps its inhabitants to stay eternally young. Captain Picard (Stewart) and his merry band of space travellers discover a Federation plot to steal the planet from under its natives' noses. Picard being a massive space stickler, he decides to save the natives from the evil foreigners. Later, in the movie's most disturbing scene, Riker (Frakes) shaves off his beard and gets jiggy with Counselor Troi (Marina Sirtis) in a bathtub.

Insurrection is the Star Trek movie that most resembles an episode of the TV series. That's not entirely a criticism; it's a fun and funny film, as silly and inconsequential as it might feel. Whilst it's probably the weakest of The Next Generation movies, it's also the most fun. The cheerful, adventurous tone is preferable to the stupid, moody Nemesis with rapey Tom Hardy. But as a result, Insurrection is the installment least approachable to non-Trekkies. But hey, if there's one thing us Trekkies don't need, it's friends.

27. Star Trek: Generations

Director: David Carson (1994)

Starring: Patrick Stewart, William Shatner, Malcolm McDowell

Find it: IMDB

The first Star Trek movie to star the Next Generation crew. Film traditions being as they are, there has to be a passing of the torch moment. This comes in the (now rather chubby) shape of William Shatner's Captain James T. Kirk saving the day. This comes in a roundabout sort of way, with Kirk being sucked into a magic wormhole and disappearing, presumed dead.

Years later, Captain Picard (Stewart) and his crew receive a distress call from a solar laboratory. Everyone is dead, save for Doctor Tolian Soran (McDowell) who has some sinister plans for the Enterprise and its crew. He too wants to be sucked into Kirk's magic wormhole, an energy ribbon called 'The Nexus' where dreams come true. In Kirk's case, this is chopping logs and riding horses. McDowell outwits everyone on The Enterprise, which is not a difficult feat - The Next Generation's crew are a notorious bunch of halfwits - and manages to find his Nexus. He gets himself and Picard sucked in to live happily ever after.

Only not. With the help of Whoopi Goldberg, Picard escapes, enlisting the help of Kirk along the way. There's a beautiful bit where Kirk says to Picard "I was saving the galaxy while you were in diapers." To a Trekkie like myself, the meeting of Kirk and Picard was a big deal. Like, a Freddy Vs Jason or Avengers big deal. To this day, Generations makes shivers run down my spine. At least, until the final battle it does.

It goes to the great effort to bring Kirk back, and then visits upon him the crummiest death this side of Sayid in LOST. James Kirk - Starfleet legend and hero of years of Trek TV and film - dies falling from a bridge. It's even worse than Data's own demise in Nemesis. And then Picard leaves him on that distant planet, buried beneath some rubble and a rockery. Little wonder Shatner keeps trying to write himself back into continuity. Hopefully JJ Abrams' new Star Trek timeline will grant Kirk a more worthy death. That said, I would quite happily watch Chris Pine fall off a bridge, repeatedly.

Generations is otherwise a fine bit of Trek. It depends on one's tolerance for Star Trek, Whoopi Goldberg and The Next Generation crew, and requires some pre-existing knowledge of the characters, but I loved it. Well, apart from the bit where Captain Kirk falls off a fucking bridge and dies.