IT CAME FROM POUNDLAND II: Saw

Director: James Wan (2004)

Starring: Cary Elwes, Danny Glover, Monica Potter

Find it: IMDB

Our semi-regular feature returns with Saw, a movie I didn't really like but couldn't turn down for £1. I've never watched it since buying the film, and probably never will. Still, at a quid, I maintain that it is a legitimate investment. Update: I sold it on eBay for £3.25. That's a lot of profit, given that I always deliberately overcharge for postage and packaging.

Se7en II: Saw stars Cary Elwes as Doctor Lawrence Gordon, a man kidnapped by the mysterious and elusive Jigsaw Killer. Together with a man who can't act and a corpse who can, Gordon is locked in a smelly bathroom and told to hack his foot off if he wants to survive. Meanwhile, other things are happening in the outside world. Wronged copper Danny Glover is on the hunt for Jigsaw, Gordon's wife (Monica Potter) and child (child) have been kidnapped and several unsavoury types fall victim to Jigsaw's little games. Despite the fact that nobody owns any lightbulbs and Cary Elwes sucks in this movie, Saw is a servicable enough little horror thriller type thing.

... and it stars Ben from off've LOST as a man called Zep.

Depending on your view of the movies, Saw has pretty much become tainted by its own sequels at this point - a byword for cheap schlock, seasonal moneygrabbing, lazy plot devices and an insistance on crowbarring Tobin Bell into flashbacks just for the sake of it. 

... and Miles from off've LOST as a man with a fat face

So Saw is a hard one for me to like now. I love (most of) its casting - Danny Glover, Monica Potter and the LOST alumni are good in everything - and the traps are admittedly quite inspired. It is what it is really; a passable Se7en rip-off with a few good twists and a neat concept. But like Freddy Kreuger and those damn cartoony sequels, it's become diluted by its own overexposure. And it's so self-serious that it's almost impossible to like. Whereas you want to see Freddy, Jason, Michael and Leatherface hack up the teens, Jigsaw is an irritating egoist with an overinflated sense of self-importance and whiny disposition. This is a man whose first thought after diagnosis with cancer is to build a bunch of silly traps with which he can torture crackheads and cheating doctors.

To be fair, if my doctor was as annoying as Cary Elwes is in this movie, I'd probably be tempted to lock him up in a toilet too. The lead performances in Saw are really pretty bad, all snot and overacting. Elwes and the crying photographer bloke are both outperformed by the supposedly (SPOILER) dead body with whom they share their lavatory. Good as Danny Glover is, even he doesn't seem to give much of a rat's ass about the film. Well, he is getting too old for this shit. Next up: Saw In A House with the Wahlberg that's not Marky Mark.

It Came From Poundland: ALONE WITH HER

Director: Eric Nicholas (2006)
Starring: Colin Hanks, Ana Claudia Talancon, Jordana Spiro
Find it: IMDB

Thanks to the British economy going down the shitter, the high street is ruled by three great powers: Poundland, Primark and 99p Stores. In these giants, anything is possible. For 99p, one can buy two cans of an energy drink called POWER HORSE. And let me tell you, POWER HORSE gives you exactly the energy boost that one would expect from a drink called POWER HORSE. In Primark, you can get your very own Batsuit (don't call it a onesie) for £15. In Poundland, however, they have taken to selling something  very much within this website's remit: horror movies.

Is it possible to buy decent horror for £1? Joel Harley investigates. I have bought an awful lot of this Poundland horror, since they first began stocking it. I've never watched a single one, until now. Who knows, this might become a regular feature.

Alone With Her has the very interesting distinction of starring Tom Hanks's creepy-looking son. I first noticed Colin Hanks in Untraceable, during which I thought "that guy looks like a young Tom Hanks". He has since popped up in the latest series of Dexter and the odd romcom and television episode. In Alone With Her, he takes centre stage as a very, very creepy man.

Doug (Hanks) meets Amy (Talancon) and promptly sets up secret surveillance cameras around her home so as he can watch her every move. Not in a gross way: he merely wants to learn everything about her so's he can woo her most effectively. It's quite romantic, when you stop to think about it. Like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. The problem with wooing a girl via hidden surveillance is that you get to hear her slagging you off to her mates. It's why Mel Gibson turned into a crazy misogynist; hearing what women really thought of him in What Women Want (not to be called 'sugartits' is a good start). Surprisingly, neither her or her friends ever say "you know, that Colin looks a bit like Forrest Gump." I overheard someone say "that's Joel. He always tucks his t-shirt into his trousers" once. I was fucking heartbroken. Cthulu knows how I would have reacted if I'd heard them say I have sweaty hands. In that respect, Doug shows an awful lot of restraint.

The intrusive but dispassionate gaze of the camera is contrasted wonderfully with creepy Colin's slimy behaviour. Amy is a sympathetic protagonist, even if her choice in male company does leave something to be desired. The idea behind it is an insidious one, effortlessly scary and creating a great atmosphere and boiling tension. The story is seen through the lens' of Doug's cameras, but its presentation feels more natural and less gimmicky than most found footage horror films. The climax delivers an insufficient payoff to an otherwise impressive structure, but then, there are only so many ways a story like this can go. Alone With Her reminded me of The Collector (not that one) crossed with the more recent The Resident.

Alone With Her is a chilling, tense psycho thriller centered around a great set of performances from its leading duo. Not bad for £1.