Gil Grissom's pre-CSI days pit him head-to-head against William Blake quoting pantyhose-faced serial killer The Tooth Fairy (Tom Noonan) and his very own demons in the shape of Doctor Hannibal Lecktor (Cox). This is Red Dragon alright - the only version of which you ever need to watch.
Gil Will Graham (Peterson) is an FBI profiler retired to Florida with his lovely wife and child. He's brought out of retirement to help hunt down The Tooth Fairy, a particularly vicious serial killer who murders whole families for kicks. In need of guidance and inspiration, Graham seeks out old mentor Hannibal Lecktor. No, I've not spelt that wrong. Docktor Lecktor being the same old cannibal we've always known him as, only this time played with less camp by Brian Cox instead of Anthony Hopkins. Cox is a very different Lecktor than Hopkins. Both are very good in the role, but I think I prefer Cox. He's more intimidating, more menacing - certainly more of a physical presence. I would have been curious to see how Cox would have handled more screen time in The Silence Of The Lambs and maybe Hannibal. Hard to see him putting himself in the position to be under threat from pigs, that's for sure.
Unlike Brett Ratner and his lazy "here's Hopkins, now I can just sit back and have a nap" style of direction, Michael Mann knows how to direct the hell out of a crime movie. The cinematography is all light cues and filters, disconcertingly brighter than we're used to from movies of this variety.
Mann has made quite the career out of pitting two quite different but very interesting forces against one another. Heat bought us Al Pacino vs Robert De Niro. He put Tom Cruise against Jamie Foxx in Collateral - and then made it not shit. Tom Cruise's hair is ridiculous in that movie, but it's to Mann's testament that Cruise's hair is the only ridiculous thing. Manhunter has William Petersen hunting Tom Noonan, and both men are fantastic. Petersen's Will Graham is the template for his CSI character, but he does it so well that it's not hard to see why he proved so popular as Gil Grissom. Noonan is at once intimidating and pitiful as Graham's prey. He's a right bastard, but you can't help but feel for him as his doomed relationship with Reba (Allen) progresses. Also, he looks utterly terrifying. Tattooed and with pantyhose on his head, I certainly wouldn't want to meet Tom Noonan's Dolarhyde down a dark alley.
Manhunter falters a little towards the end, losing the book's finale in favour of a fiery shootout, unworthy of both hunter and hunted. But it's still a very powerful movie, more interesting to me than The Silence Of The Lambs and most certainly Brett Ratner's dull, blatantly obvious remake/adaptation. After a disappointing reception upon release, Manhunter has since become regarded as something of a cult classic. Rightly so. This one is definitely worth Hunting down, Man.
Director: Joseph Ruben (2004) Starring: Julianne Moore, Christopher Kovaleski, Gary Sinise , Dominic West Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US
Stupid mundane psychothriller silliness becomes something completely different (but no less asinine) at the introduction of perhaps the most ridiculous twist this side of an M. Night Shyamalan flick. The Review Hole usually avoids spoilers, but nobody should ever want to watch The Forgotten anyway - and 90% of those who try will nevertheless have given up by the time the ending comes about.
If you haven't seen The Forgotten, go read the synopsis (woman's child apparently dies. Everyone around her claims that the kid never existed in the first place). Now think up the stupidest explanation you possibly can for said disappearance & conspiracy. All finished? Well done, The Forgotten is even stupider than that. Aside from a Tyrannosaurus Rex showing up and vomiting the brat onto Julianne Moore's grieving lap, The Forgotten delivers up the stupidest concievable ending in all of reality: it was aliens what done it.
"The goddamn truth won't fit in your brain,", Moore is told. Which is kinda insulting to her character, because the goddamn truth is such lazy schtick that it'd fit in even Paris Hilton's brain with room to spare. Well, probably not. But nearly. Didn't you know, aliens are apparently really really interested in the bond between mother & child. I guess anal probes have gotten old hat by now. There aren't nearly enough anal probes in The Forgotten, just Julianne Moore running around with a stupid character name, looking all miserable and paranoid. Moore is a likeable actress, but The Forgotten does her no favours. She has little do but cry and run.
Even before that ridiculous twist, The Forgotten is probably a terrible movie. I say 'probably' because I can't actually remember anything that comes before the big reveal. Gary Sinise and Dominic West are involved somehow, and Julianne Moore's character name is 'Telly'. There's a decent car crash, but it's wasted somewhere amongst the stupidity and dullness of everything else. It's all just a hazy mess wrapped up in a ridiculous twist, like that dream I had after watching Star Trek, Babestation and feasting on cheese & Baileys. Well then, I suppose that the title is perfectly apt. By the way, The X Files called - they want their story back.
A now-ginger and less lesbian Clarice Starling continues her hunt for the escaped cannibal Hannibal Lecter. Meanwhile, a chewed-up looking Gary Oldman trains some pigs and Hannibal saunters around Italy, taking in the artwork and scenery. Also, Ray Liotta gets the finest death scene in the whole series.
Hannibal takes place ten years after The Silence of the Lambs, and pretty much concludes the stories of Hannibal Lecter and Clarice Starling. Prequels Red Dragon and Hannibal Rising (*shudders*) would follow, but you'll be lucky to ever see Hannibal again following the events of this swansong. Although you never can tell with Hollywood. It wouldn't entirely surprise me to see a one-handed Lecter once more on the run, this time in space or in Da Hood perhaps.
Hannibal isn't really in the same league as its predecessor, but neither is it anywhere nearly as bad as Red Dragon or Rising (*shudders*). And, if you've ever read the book upon which it's based, you'll know that it could've been a hell of a lot worse. That said, there will always be a part of me curious to see what Hannibal and Clarice eloping would have looked like. Terrible, no doubt.
Hiding in Italy, Hannibal is living the high life. That is, until old foe Mason Verger (Oldman) has a price put on his head, and he's discovered by a local cop. Much of the cat-and-mouse stuff in Italy seems to drag, enlivened slightly by Hopkins and the all-around quality of the cast. It's nice to see a few other faces from Silence show up too, although Jodie Foster's presence is missed most of all. That said, Julianne Moore makes a fine Starling. She never comes across as being as strong as Foster's take on the character, but you still wouldn't mess. And her vulnerability makes her relationship with Hannibal that little more plausible.
For once, Dave Lamb's Come Dine with Menarration was lost for words.
Once the movie leaves Italy, Hannibal becomes noticeably more entertaining. Hannibal and Clarice get to share a bit of much-needed screentime, Verger sets his vengeance into action, and Hannibal is menaced by maneating pigs. It's to Ridley Scott's credit that he can make his movie feature MANEATING PIGS and not have the audience in peals of laughter. MANEATING PIGS are fucking stupid, but thanks to the tone and its handling, Scott manages to pull it off.
And then we have Ray Liotta hosting a dinner party with his brain as the main course. This alone justifies the movie's existence. But even with the novel's ridiculous ending excised, the finale flirts with idiocy. It has just enough class and excitement to not entirely ruin everything that's gone before. It feels a little anticlimactic and something of a non-event, but is mostly tolerable enough. Ultimately, Hannibal is a fitting farewell to arguably the finest movie psychopath since Norman Bates.
Starring: Steven Seagal, Adam Sandler, Martin Lawrence, Anna Faris, Verne Troyer
Find it online: Well, not yet.
In association with the LAMB's neat little Pitch the Lamb feature (this month's theme: Buddy Flicks), the Horror Review Hole brings you a glimpse into the future, with our hitherto unseen plot synopsis of Washed Up, the buddy movie as written by yours truly. Adam Sandler and Steven Seagal star as Harry and Leslie, a pair of old schoolfriends who are reunited in the latter's hour of need. Leslie, once a slick, mean ex-CIA agent turned expert Hitman has become a fat, old, washed up mess. He reaches out to his only friend in life - Harry - in the hope of redemption. That's if he can survive the dangerous gangster (Lawrence) who's after his head... zany hijinks ensue.
WASHED UP
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The movie opens with a prologue. Kids in a schoolyard. Meet HARRY; A stereotypical nerd-type sits alone at a table, reading a comic book. Over comes the school bully and rips his comic to shreds. Harry starts crying. The bully is about to beat the motherlovin’ turds out of him when JOHN LESLIE intervenes. He wears a long leather jacket and a ponytail. Using some cool Aikido moves, he beats the bully to a pulp. Harry smiles. He and John Leslie shake hands. And so a friendship forms.
ACT ONE
Twenty years later. Harry (Sandler) is a neurotic businessman type, married to a lovely wife (Faris) with kids. He’s still geeky, but vaguely contented. He has ambitions of one day becoming a partner in his company, but hasn’t the money. One day, the telephone rings. He answers. “You owe me! Remember that.” What? Drunkenly: “I think the walls are moving…” Harry gasps, realising who it is. LESLIE. He leaves a motel address, repeating the sentence “you owe me.” Harrytries to ignore it and goes for dinner with his wife. He’s awkward and miserable all night. In bed, he dreams of the past; Leslie coming to his defence time and time again. In the middle of the night he leaves.
ACT TWO
Harry finds the motel. It’s a dodgy-ass area, and he gets mugged. Just as the mugger (a cameo from Rob Schneider) is about to stab him… a figure smashes the mugger over the head with an empty vodka bottle. “Did we forget something? You never let anyone push you about, pard’ner. You remember nothing I taught you?” It’s LESLIE. Older, fatter and played by Steven Seagal. He grabs Harry by the collar and pulls him into the motel bar. Drinks. Leslie's already off his tits, but he orders a bottle of whiskey and begins downing it hardcore style. Harry asks him what happened. Leslie tells him how he’s a Hitman now, only he fucked it up (he doesn’t say it, but we can assume it’s because he’s now an alcoholic and a fatty) and he’s on the run from serious gangsters. Talking of which… “Well look who just walked in.” Mobsters. They haven’t noticed Leslie yet. He and Harry try to sneak out, but he loudly drops the whiskey bottle on the floor. Shit. Fight scene!! The Mobsters (probably played by John C. McGinley and a Wayans Brother) attack. Leslie tries to fight back, and does quite well… but the Wayans Brother shoves him up against a wall and is about to shoot him when… Harry cracks a pool cue off’ve his head. He drops Leslie and the mobsters break out laughing. “Goddammit,” Leslie shouts, “remember what I taught you.” Almost gingerly, Harry punches the Wayans Brother in the throat. Or tries. Wayans punches him through a window. They join him on the sidewalk and are about to kill poor Harry rather violently when… Leslie runs them over in his truck. Harryclimbs in. They drive away. “Road trip!”
ACT THREE
Harry demands to be taken home. He’s bloody and battered. His suit is a bit of a mess. He’s had enough. But Leslie begs for his help. Pleads. “You know I would do the same for you.” Harry looks at him, knowing he can’t say no. He reluctantly uses his Cellphone and calls his wife, telling her he’ll be at a business meeting for the next week or so. “Alright,” Harry says, “what do you need?” Cue ‘hilarious’ road trip antics. On the first night, they hire a motel – but they only have one bed! Epic LOLZ. The second day, Leslie decides he needs a gun. So they go to a GUN DEALER (Christopher Mintz-Plasse). Cue training montage in which Leslie hilariously fails to use a gun and shoots Mintz-Plasse in the foot. Then, they go to Leslie's old dojo so he can touch up on his fighting styles. Leslie's master is now dead, and the place is run by a bad tempered dwarf (Verne Troyer). The dwarf beats the shit outta Leslie, whilst a mad old man (played by Leslie Nielsen) sits in the corner laughing and drinking his own piss. They sit in their truck, nursing their wounds. Leslie holds a bottle of whiskey in his hands, preparing to give it all up. Harry sits with him, they talk. Harry makes his old friend realise that he is loved after all, and he’s not so alone: “you’re my best friend. I love you, man.” And then the car door opens, and there’s the mobsters pointing guns at them. Leslie beats the hell out of them, spurred on by the knowledge that he got a friend! Training montage! Set to "Best Friend" by Queen. Harry and Leslie train. We watch as Leslie improves his marksmanship, then returns to the Dojo and kicks Verne Troyer in the face. At the end, they hug.
ACT FOUR
Chicago. In a tower block, Gangster HARVEY MAGUFFIN (Lawrence) is mightily angered at his goons, who are battered and bruised from their encounter with the newly empowered Leslie. “What am I paying you for?” Standard villain shtick. The intercom goes. “Mister Maguffin, you have some visitors to see you.” He asks who it is. “A mister Leslie, sir.” There’s a gunshot. The elevator in the corner of the room begins to rise. All guns point to it. The doors open. Only HARRY. “Surprise!” While Maguffin and his goons are distracted, Leslie bursts through the window, having jumped from the roof of the opposite building. Being a fat bastard now, it’s quite the impact, and he crashes through Maguffin's mahogany table. “I’ll kill you extra hard for that, motherfucker!” Maguffin fights with Leslie. The goons attack Harry, who shoots one of them dead. He tussles with McGinley’s character (what, I can’t think up names for everyone) and, in his ultimate moment of manliness, throws him out of a window. Maguffin and Leslie fight. Leslie is old and fat, and Maguffin is just useless, so it lasts a while. Leslie (well, a body double) high kicks him in the face, so hard that it breaks his neck. Exit MAGUFFIN. The two stand side-by-side, weary but happy. In the corner, a safe full of money. Harry remarks that there’d be enough money in that safe to take over his company completely. Leslie smiles. “Who’s going to know?”
EPILOGUE
One year later. Harry lives in a really big, really nice house. He's having a barbeque. His kids play happily on their enormous trampoline. His wife (still played by Anna Faris) reclines by their hu-uge swimming pool. Harry smiles, flipping the sausages. At his side, Leslie, tucking into a fat hamburger.
As the credits roll, 'All-Star' by SmashMouth plays. Sandler, Seagal and Lawrence dance over said credits.
Look out for Washed Up. It'll be coming soon to a cinema, DVD, television, streaming site, dustbin or nothing near you very soon. Or not at all.
