Texas Chainsaw 3D

Director: John Lussenhop (2013)

Starring: Alexandra Daddario, Dan Yeager, Trey Songz

Find it: IMDB

There's a buzz in the air. Can you hear it? Leatherface returns in Texas Chainsaw 3D, a direct sequel to what might be my favourite horror movie of all time. Texas Chainsaw 3D disposes of half of the title, three sequels and a remake (plus that film's prequel) to return to Texas, 1974. Sally Hardesty has just escaped the Sawyer homestead. Leatherface is swinging his chainsaw about, incensed by his own uselessness. And then a mob of furious locals descends upon the Sawyer family home...

Years later, Heather (Daddario) learns that she was adopted, and that her estranged grandmother has left a doozy of an inheritance in her will. Heather is now the proud owner of a massive country house. Should have read the small print though: she's also inherited her inbred cannibalistic cousin, Leatherface, who lives in the basement, probably playing World of Warcraft. It's like the plot of Castle Freak, except with Leatherface and his chainsaw instead of The Freak and its chode.

Leatherface makes his presence known during Heather's housewarming party, immediately setting about his new house guests with his massive chainsaw. Old habits die hard, eh. The first half of Texas Chainsaw 3D is rote and predictable, enlivened by a brief cameo from Bill Moseley and Leatherface's impressive physicality - he's pretty spry for an old guy; meaner and stronger than he's ever been. There are some nice little touches to the film for old fans - I particularly liked the re-appearance of his garish tie from the first flick.

The second half of the film fares better, moving the action from the old Sawyer house to the surrounding town. There an old town conspiracy is uncovered, the Mayor wears a Stetson and cuddly cult favourite Richard Riehle (okay, my cuddly cult favourite) plays a lawyer. There's a nifty sequence set at the town carnival (where Leatherface actually bumps into the Pig man from Saw) and a fairly tense bit in which a cop stalks our psychopath in the basement of his home. That he records his man-on-a-mission with FaceTime (face time, geddit) spoils the atmosphere slightly, but there's a good pay-off.  

Now we all love Leatherface (a good title for a sitcom, that) but there was no need to turn him into some sort of sympathetic antihero type. Yet that's what Texas Chainsaw 3D tries to do. It would be plausible to have the town sheriff sympathise with Leatherface if the killer hadn't just spent the last 80 minutes trying to murder everyone he could lay his chubby hands on. The finale veers from inspired to stupid, with characters making ridiculous decisions and the film descending into some sort of Revenge Horror with Leatherface playing the wronged party. I doubt poor Sally Hardesty would see it that way.

Texas Chainsaw 3D is an enjoyable disappointment. There are some decent horror and action sequences, but ultimately the film is very flawed. The characters are unsympathetic and stupid, the script silly and devoid of any humour. Worst of all, this film discards the canon of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, rendering Dennis Hopper and Chop-Top non-existent. Unforgivable. But at least that means Matthew McConaughey never existed either. Every cloud, and all that.  

Ultimately, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre has one of the greatest sequels of all time. It's called The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2. You would do well to seek it out, no matter what the dodgy canon of Texas Chainsaw 3D tells you to do.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation

Director: Kim Henkel (1994)

Starring: Renee Zellweger, Matthew McConaughey, Robert Jacks, Idiots.

Find it online: DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE

Every longstanding horror franchise has its missteps. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Happens to the best of 'em. Freddy had that time where he died, Michael got Resurrected and Jason Went to Hell. But whereas most of those pieces had their mostly ironic moments (the return of Johnny Depp, Kung Fu Busta Rhymes and, heck, I like Jason Goes to Hell) Leatherface's biggest fuck-up stinks on every single level. It's an utterly unenjoyable, horrible movie which makes me feel actually quite furious whenever I attempt to watch it.

But for you lovely readers watch it I did again last night; an experience so traumatising it made me completely fuck up that last half-sentence in way of Yoda proportions. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 1994 is the single worst Next Generation since Insurrection. This is a movie so irredeemably shitty that even Renee Zellweger and Matthew McConaughey are (probably) embarrassed to list it on their already excrementally-inclined CVs. McConaughey is bad, but Zellweger is so terrible that it makes you wonder how she managed to get any sort of acting job anywhere after this. Marilyn Burns she ain't. Fuck, she's not even in Jessica Biel's league. The only people likely to enjoy Bridget Jones in this movie are randy foot fetishists, thrilled by the fact she never wears any shoes.

Renee is a virginal young stereotype out on her school Prom Night. Somehow she ends up in a car with some annoying friends. The annoying friends crash their car down on a Texas backroad and find themselves harrassed by Leatherface and his idiotic family. Now, Renee and her friends are annoying, but Kim Henkel and Co manage to find a collection of people even more annoying than that. Even Leatherface is relentlessly mind-blowingly grating in this movie.

Wherein the screencapture says more than the review itself ever could

But not nearly as much so as Matthew McConaughey and his remote-controlled leg. It's the singlemost horrible performance ever delivered by anyone in the history of anything, ever. Literally every moment Matthew McConaughey is onscreen is a moment is a moment I wish I was either dead or deaf. And he's onscreen a lot. His character is like TCM2's Choptop, only amplified by ten and multiplied by the terrible acting of Matthew fucking McFuckingConaughey. Scratch what I said three sentences ago - every moment Matthew McConaughey is onscreen is a moment I wish HE was either dead, dead or dead. And he can take that awful version of Leatherface with him too. "I know what would make The Texas Chainsw Massacre better - if Leatherface was shit and dressed like a woman." It's a version of the character in which he gets told to shut up by Rene Zellweger and actually does. At that precise moment I wanted to throw my television outta the window. Or even better, at her stupid head. Or even better than that, at Kim Henkel's head. Kim Henkel is apparently to Chainsaw Massacres what George Lucas is to Indiana Jones. This is his Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Substitute Shia LeFuckingBouf for Matthew McFuckingFuckaghey. You know what would make this movie better? Illuminati men with big nipple rings.

Well yes, it gets better from there. No wait, worse. A lot worse. Because the family are actually employees of the Illuminati or whatever, chosen specifically to scare the hell out of people. Yes, you read that right. But at least by then you won't have the energy left to give a fuck, because toothless Leatherface and his twatty new family will have sapped it all out of you. Matthew McConaughey being hit on the head with an airplane should elicit cheers, but it's a moment full of unintended bathos and as about as bullshitty stupid as the rest of the movie.

Likewise, cameos from Marilyn Burns, John Dugan and Paul Partain all fall flat thanks to the preceeding 90-odd minutes of pissing all over their legacy. The Next Generation is a horrible entry into a previously excellent franchise, a horrible horror movie and an all around horrible movie in general. I've watched a lot of foecal movies in my time, but none have ever made me as all-out angry as this lazy, insulting excuse for a movie.

Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III

Director: Jeff Burr (1990)

Starring: Kate Hodge, Ken Foree, Viggo Mortenson (!)

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

They all had their moments of true brilliance, but my favourite of the big four franchises (the other three being Halloween, A Nightmare On Elm St and Friday the 13th) has always been The Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies. In memory of the great Dennis Hopper, I rewatched the second of the massacres last week. Chainsaw Massacres are like pringles though - you can't just stop at one. The first and third movies followed in quick succession. And (to push the Pringle metaphor) in the case of the later movies, too many will make you fucking sick.

Like the first sequel, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3 is an often and unfairly maligned movie. True, it suffers in comparison from the original piece - but don't all sequels? Leatherface is actually a very very good movie when taken on its own merits. And merits it has lots of. Ken Foree, for instance. And Viggo Mortenson, less depressed than he was in The Road, and not-so against cannibalism either. There's also an enormous chainsaw, outstanding actings and lots and lots of blood n' guts. Leatherface is by far the nastiest in the series, a far cry from the bloodless antics of Leatherface's first massacre.

As has become something of a mainstay in the series, Leatherface and his Grandpa have relocated to a different Texas, where they're now living with another lot of relatives. Before Hitch-hiker, Cook and ChopTop all got themselves killed, family get-togethers must have been a hoot. Although I'd imagine no-one invited Vilmer McConaughey, since that character was an annoying cunt, even by Sawyer standards.

Travelling through Texas, bickering couple Michelle (Hodge) and Ryan (William Butler) happen across the remaining Sawyers during a horrible car crash incident. Luckily, mental survivalist Benny (Foree) is on hand to take some of the strain with his M-16. He's no Dennis Hopper, but its good to see the Sawyers meet yet another force they can't quite defeat. One does get the feeling that Hopper would've eaten the lot for breakfast though. Especially Viggo Mortenson, who plays things in an inexplicably quite camp manner.

No Dennis Hopper and no overacting Bill Moseley means that none of the performances go overshadowed. Kate Hodge impresses both as damsel-in-distress and tough-as-nails final girl. Viggo Mortenson is both fun and menacing, as are all of his onscreen family members. Ken Foree is inevitably the best of the bunch, simply by virtue of being Ken Foree. A little of the enthusiasm he shows here surely wouldn't have gone amiss in Dawn of the Dead and might have made the outcome a little less grim. He clearly has a ball playing Benny, and the scenes in which he dessicates the remaining Sawyers are amongst the best in the movie. Leatherface is the hardest he's ever been here. He looks mean and pissed off throughout, and the leg brace he wears only makes him seem more intimidating. None of that phallic-chainsaw-lovey-dovey nonsense that troubled TCM2. I guess seeing so many of his relatives murdered by idiot teenagers and Dennis Hopper finally made the big fella grow up a bit.

Alas, Leatherface was to be the last legitimately good TCM movie. What followed in the series was a transvestite Leatherface, Matthew McFucking McConaughey, an overrated Sheriff Hoyt, pointless prequelisation and a total dearth of inspiration. I daresay there'll be more Massacres further down the road, but the original trilogy will always hold a very dear place in my heart.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2

Director: Tobe Hooper (1986)

Starring: Dennis Hopper, Caroline Williams, Bill Moseley, Jim Sideow

Find it online: IMDB

Rest in peace Dennis Hopper. The man will probably best be known for his role in the classic Easy Rider, or as Blue Velvet's terrifying villain of the piece. Me, I'll always remember him as Leiutenant Lefty Enright in The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2.

How does one follow up a classic horror movie such as the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Well in the case of this sequel, Tobe Hooper just goes balls-to-the wall crazy. You might remember that his original piece contained surprisingly little amounts of the red stuff. Hey, it worked. This time around, Hooper goes down the complete opposite route and pours lashings of the red, red vino everywhere. And because why not, phallic chainsaws and Bill Moseley eating bits of his own scalp.

That's all fine and dandy, but the movie's real top trump card is Dennis Hopper. As Enright, he actually manages to be scarier, crazier and more scary than any of the nasties. Moseley does fine as crazed 'Nam veteran ChopTop, but is a little too cartoonish to be scary. It's actually a performance that borders on annoying. Likewise, Jim Siedow plays things a little too screechy. Caroline Williams' DJ character is ostensibly the main character, but suffers from massive overshadowing under the Hopper. Every moment he's onscreen is an incredible one. And when he's not onscreen, you'll be wishing he was. His scenes in the chainsaw shop are amongst my favourite in the history of horror cinema.

Inevitably, the final showdown is something of a disappointment. It doesn't last nearly long enough, for one. But any movie with the balls to have Dennis Hopper and Leatherface duelling with chainsaws gets very infinite respect from me. Like the third movie in the franchise, TCM2 is a very much maligned movie. Much of that owes to its being a sequel to something genre defining and almost perfect. No sequel ever could live up to Hooper's original Chainsaw Massacre. But this is a movie that gives it a bloody good shot. It's admirable just how much deviation there is from the original's course. It's not even set in the same part of Texas. And the decision to do away with stoned teenagers in favour of Dennis fucking Hopper is a genius one.

Not only is The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 my second favourite TCM movie so far, it also remains one of my favourite horror flicks of all time. It has the lot: chainsaws, gore, a great villain and an equally insane 'heroic' performance from the one and only Dennis Hopper. Ride Easy, Mister Hopper. You will be missed.

Jason vs Leatherface: a true bromance

Because I’m getting impatient waiting for the next instalment of Freddy vs Jason vs Ash: Nightmare Warriors, it’s time to delve back into the longbox in search of a good, gory horror fix.

Unfortunately, Jason vs Leatherface is not particularly good, gory or horrific. The plot is as pedestrian as you could possibly get. A Corporate Bastard dredges up Crystal Lake and, for some unclear reason, ships the water therein out to Texas. Because one Jason Voorhees is chained up at the bottom of the lake, he ends up in Texas too.

Wandering around backwoods Hicksville, Jason happens across (the first Chainsaw Massacre’s) Hitchhiker and Leatherface. There’s a brief, slightly shit scuffle; then Jason and Leatherface connect, assumedly because of their shared retardedness.

And so Jason and Leatherface become playmates. Jason goes back to the Slaughter (more on that later) household for a cute little slasher sleepover. And, at first, things go swimmingly. Jason becomes a temporary member of the Slaughter (*shudders*) family, sharing (but not eating) meals, and helping Hitchhiker and Leatherface make their kills.

But alas & alack, Jason can only stay placid for so long. After a disagreement with Hitchhiker, he tries to kill the annoying little runt. Leatherface steps up to defend his brother, and the two ex-friends finally get down to the main event.

Needless to say, Jason vs Leatherface is non-canonical. There’s a bunch of things writer Nancy Collins got completely wrong; for example, naming Leatherface’s family ‘The Slaughters’. Likewise, Pamela Voorhees is here re-named ‘Doris’, and there’s a silly little domestic violence subplot featured in a flashback. Thankfully, the main characters are captured faithfully enough. They're in pre-remake mode (think Jason from Goes to Hell and original-TCM Leatherface) and are actually surprisingly sympathetic. Aw shucks, their friendship might just be the cutest thing I’ve read since We3. Jason vs Leatherface is the original bromance.

But then, the art is far too colourful and cartoon-like to be effective anyway. It’s a light-hearted story, but Jeff Butler’s perky visuals would be better suited to an issue of The Beano or Dandy. It’s a shame, because Simon Bisley’s cover art is beautiful, and really plays up the comic grotesquerie of the characters. I’d have loved to see the whole comic illustrated by Bisley, and think that it could have really improved the flawed script. As it happens, Butler’s art really enhances the story’s problems, and really lets down the comic for me. (With that in mind, art is subjective; others absolutely love the artwork… if you’re of that mindset, Jason vs Leatherface will be a massively improved read).

And now onto the meat of the review. The big match itself. For a good example of how to do a comic-book crossover well, go read Batman vs Predator or the Batman/Judge Dredd books. Jason vs Leatherface? Not so much. The ‘vs’ aspect lasts a paltry four pages. By no mean coincidence, it’s the best bit in the whole miniseries.

It could be worse, though. Jason vs Leatherface still isn’t the worst Jason comic by far. For that dubious delight, go seek out the three-issue adaptation of Jason Goes to Hell. Then burn the fucker and read something by Wildstorm Comics instead.

2/5 screaming Scream Queens!!