In Conversation with Robert Englund II: a horrortalk interview.

One of the highlights of 2011 was interviewing horror icon Robert Englund in regards to his film The Moleman of Belmont Avenue. I could probably have died a happy chap there and then. But recently I got to do it all over again, as Horrortalk.com invited me to speak with Mister Englund about his latest film: Inkubus (which I reviewed too, here). I managed to hold back the fanboy hyperventilation for long enough to ask him a few questions:

JH: What attracted you to the project?

RE: The real drawing card was that I was going to get to work with William Forsythe, the great character actor. I've been a fan of Bill's for years. We almost butted heads years ago. I was up for the skinny version of one of the two brothers in Raising Arizona. I was looking forward to having William Forysthe playing the nemesis of Inkubus. And I think it's a very original story. It's very nasty, in the best sense of the word. I put my stamp of approval on it. It's down and dirty and nasty.

JH: It seems like a while since we've seen you play a properly villainous character. Is this something you've actively tried to avoid?

RE: Coming out of the make-up at my age, after 20 years of Freddy, Phantom of the Opera and my Stephen King films, I was older and my face was starting to change. I went in a boy and came out a man! By the time I was done with Freddy, I looked like Trevor Howard — a little bit of Klaus Klinski. It's natural for me, once or twice a year, to do a Vincent Price or Klaus Klinski role. Because I'm paid better for genre films. It's the natural way for me to go. Occasionally I'll have some fun doing a horror comedy, like Strippers vs Werewolves, 2001 Maniacs, things like that. I've been doing traditional acting too; I worked with Brian Cox on a film called Red.

JH: I really enjoyed seeing you pop up in Red. It's a great film.

RE: I would do anything to work with Brian Cox because I'm such a fan of his. That's a great little slow-burn movie. There's this real Don Siegel/Sam Peckinpah thing to it. And I'm hoping to work down the line with Lucky McKee again. There's a lot of controversy about it here in the states, but I thought it was a great film — his new movie, The Woman. It's really terrific.

The full interview, as ever, can be found at Horrortalk.com, where he talks some more about Inkubus and the perils of typecasting.

In conversation with: Robert Englund (via Horrortalk.com)

This article comes with massive thanks to horrortalk.com, who not only gave me the opportunity to carry out the following interview, but hired me as staff reviewer too. Show them some love, do.

At the inception of my love for all things horror, there was Robert Englund. Before I even knew horror was a 'thing', I was stood in a VHS rental shop with my parents, browsing the cassettes. Every time I visited a video shop, aside from all the Disney (hey, I was nine), it was the Freddy Krueger videos that always caught my attention. I would covet those Nightmare On Elm Street cassettes - with their gaudy, terrifying cover art - not even able to imagine the fateful nights when I would gleefully work my way through the Elm Street box set collection, from A Nightmare On Elm Street to Wes Craven's New Nightmare. In the corner of that video store stood a cardboard cutout of Freddy Krueger; the embodiment of my future of a horror fanboy. Years later, I watched Freddy's Dead, late at night, on TV after bedtime. From there, I was hooked.

Robert Englund is perhaps the biggest name in horror. The One True Freddy Krueger, Mister Englund is a genuine icon. His latest movie is The Mole Man Of Belmont Avenue, in which he plays a cranky tenant menaced by the titular Mole Man. I was lucky enough to speak with Mr. Englund. The full interview can be found at Horrortalk.com.

What can you tell us about The Mole Man of Belmont Avenue?

It's a low budget slacker Ghostbusters. I'm one of the tenants of a building inherited by two slacker brothers; and there's a creature that's eating all the pets. The tenants band together like vigilantes.

What attracted you to the project?

Both Mike and John's reputation preceded them – I knew they were a great comedy duo – and then I got the script and I loved it. I was laughing, I didn't put it down. I immediately called my agent up and said “I'd love to do this.” They had these incredible locations. They have such a great talent pool in Chicago that they can borrow from. I don't get to do a lot of comedy - it's always a gift when somebody lets me do it.

Do you look for anything particular in a role?

My rule has been, since Freddy vs Jason, that I will go where I'm wanted. The blessing for me is that horror and science fiction movies are huge internationally. I just finished a film in Bulgaria. And I was in your neck of the woods (England) in June. I just did a movie in the Shaun Of The Dead tradition called Strippers vs Werewolves.

Robert Englund everybody.

The full interview can be found at horrortalk.com, where I also talk to the movie's writer & director duo, John LeFlamboy and Mike Bradecich, and hear Mr. Englund's thoughts on horror comedies and details on a potential new franchise amongst other things. See Molemanmovie.com for more details on The Mole Man Of Belmont Avenue.

L1, R2, Freddy's Coming For You...

The only good thing Jackie Earle Haley has contributed to A Nightmare On Elm Street. And I'm pretty sure most fans will be pretending that they're playing as the Robert Englund Freddy anyway. I never thought I'd be writing this, but I'm glad I am: Freddy Krueger is available as DLC in the latest Mortal Kombat game. And as if that wasn't awesome enough (it is) God Of War's Kratos has come out to play too.

So the first thing I did after downloading Freddy was to fire up 'ladder mode' (a series of fights without any of that pesky cut-scene business) and commence slicing the shit out of the Earth Realms or whatever with Freddy's gloves. Yes, gloves. He's brought two, because he's serious about winning this Mortal Kombat malarky. There are about 12 rungs on the ladder mode, and I got Freddy's arse handed to me a bunch of times, but not once did I change character. Playing as Freddy Krueger in a Mortal Kombat game is even better than playing as Batman in a Mortal Kombat game. In fact, the only way it could have been better is if Mortal Kombat were to bring the Justice League back into the fold. I think I could probably die happy seeing Batman stomping Freddy Krueger's head unto Heroic Brutality. Once I wrote a fanfic comic book in which Batman fought Freddy. See, Freddy is bothering Robin's dreams, and the Dark Knight has to sort out the Dream Demon before it's too late. In the end, the Sandman turns up and banishes Freddy to nightmare hell. My own crappy fanfic is probably the closest I will ever come to seeing Batman fight Freddy Krueger. Whatever however, meanwhile, Kratos.

Obviously, it's hilarious watching Freddy slice the shit out of Kratos (and vice versa) but the most fun to be had in the game is in teaming the two together. A Freddy and Kratos sandwich, with some unfortunate soul in the middle. There's a 'tag team' mode, identical to the sort found in Marvel vs Capcom. It's better than Marvel vs Capcom in that the fighting is more visceral; every punch actually feeling like a punch. The best bit is in seeing Freddy take a beating and then, just as he's about to die, swapping him for Kratos. Like that bit in Freddy vs Jason where Kelly Rowland gets slammed into a tree.

Even if you're not going to play as Freddy or Kratos, Mortal Kombat is an enjoyable game. It's violent, addictive and incredibly gory. Following their disappearance from Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe (not even Mortal Kombat can convince stickler Batman to break his One Rule) the fatalities are back. And babalities too. I didn't even know there was such a thing as a 'babality' until now, but I LOL'd when Kratos did one. Although you might wanna keep an eye on Freddy if you're gonna have kids around. He's got skin like that for a reason, y'know.

The story mode is a load of cock though, full of unskippable cut scenes and people fighting for the flimsiest reasons. Play the Ladder instead; Mortal Kombat's story is dull, stupid and a chore to wade through. Neither Freddy or Kratos appear either. Shao Kahn is the final boss and says things like "it's official: you suck" and variations therein. With the apparent lexicon of an amateur blogosphere critic, I'm guessing that Shao Khan was in charge of deciding the title. "IT'S SPELLED COMBAT WITH A K, NOOBS. THAT MAKES IT SOUND EXTREME." Indeed. Otherwise, Mortal Kombat is extremely good.

A Nightmare On Elm Street (2010)

Director: Samuel Bayer (2010)

Starring: Jackie Earle Hayley, Thomas Dekker, Kellan Lutz

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon

Not quite as bad as everyone says it is. But still pretty bad. A Nightmare On Elm Street is a remake of, well, do I really need to say any more? I will a bit, just so's you know where I stand. Wes Craven's 1984 piece is arguably one of the finest slasher movies in cinema history. And this remake isn't. At all. It gets some things right but most things wrong. Behold.

The characters that aren't Freddy Krueger all suck. Freddy Krueger kinda sucks. There's no John Saxon. There's no Robert Englund. New Nancy is incredibly bland. The did-he-or-didn't-he subplot is stupid (he did). The dream sequences are unimaginitive. The kill sequences are too reminiscent of those from Craven's original. There aren't enough kills. Freddy looks like ET crossed with a puppy. His voice is stupid. He's very rarely menacing. The pacing is off. For the first half, there's a sense of disconnection between the scenes; there's no flow and the introduction of Nancy is hashed. There's no subtext - it's just Freddy growling like Batman and acting like some torture-guff reject. Wes Craven had his Nightmare represent Nancy's awakening as a sexual being. When Freddy's glove emerges from the bathwater, it's heading for her Vajayjay for a reason - Bayer has it happen simply because Craven did it.

And this is the movie's biggest mistake: it tries far too hard to distance itself from previous Nightmares (the casting of Jackie - new makeup for Freddy) but uses too much of Craven's original material to defy comparison. It's not a re-imagining - bar the finale and a few bits and pieces inbetween, much of it is scene-for-scene copying.

The students' reaction to finding Twilight on the semester's reading list wasn't a happy one

There are good bits too, and a few more of them than one might expect given the movie's reputation. The use of the Everly Brothers is stunning. The redo of the flying bed death thing is technically very good. There's plenty of grue. The showdown between Freddy and Nancy is brutal. For all his new faults, it's good to see Freddy again and it's nice to see an attempt to make him properly scary. I liked the return of the "...my world, bitch" line. And the final bit (a homage to the 'pulling-mom-through-the-window-door' shot) is amusing, if only because it looks as shit as it did the first time around. Given the years of improvement in CGI and filmmaking technology, why couldn't they give us some Inception style nightmares? Surely we've seen enough boiler rooms and smelly teenage bedrooms?

Ultimately, it's not quite as bad as many will say, although it does pale into insignificance next to its mighty predecessor. This is Nightmare for people who've never actually had a real Nightmare.

Recurrent Nightmares on Elm Street

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984): "Not bad for a scabby paedo in a dodgy Christmas jumper."

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge: "Freddy's revenge sure is sweaty. And gay."

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors: "Ignore the laughably 80s' subtitle. Dream Warriors is a franchise at the peak of its excellence."

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master: "Freddy's worst days were yet to come. But it's nowhere as good as its predecessors."

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child: "Freddy acts like a ten-year-old with ADHD himself, turning into a motorbike and a superhero to kill a few cannon fodder teens."

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare: "A movie that I can't help but love, even when I'm cringeing at the awfulness of it all."

Wes Craven's New Nightmare: "It's great to see one of horror's greatest villains return to form as his proper, scary self."

Freddy vs Jason: "Shit, but you can't help but love it."

Bonus Nightmare: Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (a comic book review)

Freddy vs Jason

Director: Ronny Yu (2003)

Starring: Monica Keena, Jason Ritter, Kelly Rowland (!) Robert Englund, Ken Kirzinger,

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

A match-up eagerly awaited by horror fans since Freddy's arm made its cameo in Jason Goes to Hell. It took ten years to happen - during which time, Jason blasted off to space and Freddy went all meta - but was it worth it?

For this easily pleased girlpants, yes, it was. It may not be a perfect - or even legitimately good - movie, but for Icon vs Icon action, Freddy vs Jason certainly provides plenty of bang for your boomstick. Especially when you compare it with the watered down likes of Aliens vs Predator.

Freddy Krueger (Englund) is trapped and mostly powerless. The youths of Springwood, thanks to a government conspiracy, have all but forgotten about him. Without their fear, Freddy hasn't the power to harm them. So, in order to return to his full glory, he enlists the help of pissed off undead goalie Jason Voorhees (Kirzinger) and sends him up Elm Street way, in the hope that he'll shake things up a bit. And shake things up he does. The kids are scared shitless, which opens a door into their subconscious for Freddy. Only Jason gets greedy, and won't stop murdering Freddy's victims. Cue a petty turf war between the two.

Freddy vs Jason is shit, but you can't help but love it. The script is laughably bad - "wait, Freddy died by fire - Jason by water - can we use that?" - and some of the kids' acting is cringeworthy. Lead couple Monica Keena and Jason Ritter have no chemistry or charisma between them ('Jackface' Ritter has a habit of smiling when he's supposed to be scared or upset) and the presence of Kelly Rowland is simply bizarre. I'd have preferred for Katherine Isabelle to be around to be a bit longer too, since she's by far the most competent of all the teens. Too much Kelly Rowland and not enough Katherine Isabelle. That said, it does see Rowland murdered by Jason Voorhees, which is infinitely great. Freddy's riding on a Dream Warriors high, and gets a few good lines (and a bit of casual racism directed at Rowland too) - whilst still managing to be fairly menacing at the same time. He's certainly not cuddly anymore - his opening scene is chilling stuff. Kirzinger isn't quite as imposing as Kane Hodder, but does a great job, all the same.

The main event is quite possibly the reason my eyes were invented, since it never gets any less awesome, no matter how many times I watch it. It spans both real and dream worlds; from Elm Street to Crystal Lake (only just down the road, apparently) and is extremely gory. Limbs are torn off, bodies are impaled, Krueger is beheaded, Jason is revealed to be a whiny bitch child (scared of water, really???) and the teens are hacked up willy-nilly inbetween. True, it does seem a little oddly one-sided, and Freddy's kill-count is pathetic, but a disappointment it is not.

If you think about it too hard, Freddy vs Jason probably doesn't deserve the high rating I've given it, but I haven't the heart to rate it anything less. After all, it's probably the last time we'll ever get to see Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees in their original form. As a send-off, they could've had so much worse.

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare

Director: Rachel Talalay (1991)

Starring: Shon Greenblatt, Breckin Meyer, Lisa Zane, Robert Englund

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon

Freddy's back. Again. This time, in a post-apocalyptic future (1999) in which Springwood's children have all been eliminated. All that remains is John Doe (Greenblatt); Freddy's last hope at finding a bigger audience for his crap jokes and murderous intentions. He gives John a dose of amnesia, then chases the poor sap out of Springwood...

Right into the hands of Doctor Maggie (Zane) and her shelter for troubled youths. In order to treat John, she decides to take him back to Springwood in the hope that it might bring back a few memories. Also along for the ride: some more stabby-fodder for Freddy. Rich stoner Spencer (Meyer), deaf Carlos (Ricky Dean Logan) and abusee Tracy (Lezlie Deane) hitch a ride, hoping to escape the shelter. No such luck. They find themselves in Springwood, where a certain Freddy Krueger has been eagerly awaiting their arrival...

Ironically, Freddy's Dead is at its most successful/scariest whenever Freddy isn't around. As soon as Englund prances onscreen, the whole thing becomes pantomime - exemplified in a scene in which Englund literally prances around behind a deaf Carlos, to cries of "he's behind you!" from the audience (I shouldn't complain - Carlos' death is the best in the movie). Some truly terrible moments ensue as Freddy goes all Wizard of Oz on a broomstick and kills hapless Spencer in computer game form.

But there are surprisingly good moments too. The cameos are really fun. Roseanne Barr, Alice Cooper and Johnny Depp all show up to amusing effect. As mentioned above, Carlos' death scene brings one genuinely uncomfortable moment - followed by another when Tracy is confronted by a dream version of her abusive father.

Even with the good stuff in mind, Freddy's Dead is impossible to take seriously as a Nightmare movie. There seem to be no set rules for Freddy's powers now - when the kids are asleep, they're able to defy the laws of physics. Spencer levitates up an imaginable flight of stairs. John falls through a table and disappears. Freddy's always been able to visit bodily real-world pain upon his victims, but now he can manifest flaming Pits of Doom and make the kids bounce around like cartoon characters. Much of the action resembles a Looney Toons animation.

Not content with making Freddy into the Ace Ventura of horror movies, The Final Nightmare pisses over his origins too. Now he was himself abused (by Alice Cooper, no less) and has a daughter, because why not. After these daft revelations, the movie skips into its 3D finale, for one of Freddy's more generic deaths. I really don't see what makes it any more 'final' than any of Freddy's other deaths - well, aside from some really, really (really) terrible snake monsters and a pipebomb. "They saved the best for last" goes the tagline. Hmmmms.

Like Porkhead's favourites, I Know Who Killed Me and The Wicker Man, this is a movie made all the more enjoyable through its sheer ineptitude. Unlike the lazier Dream Master and Dream Child, Freddy's Dead manages to show a little ingenuity and creativeness amongst the nonsensical toss. It's a movie that I can't help but love, even when I'm cringeing at the awfulness of it all. And for those reasons:

Or

Wes Craven's New Nightmare

Director: Wes Craven (1994)

Starring: Heather Langenkamp, Robert Englund

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

Following his 'death' in Freddy's Dead, it's fair to say that the Dream Demon was at his lowest ebb. With all the shitty comic book tie-ins, rapping and numerous 'comedy' TV appearances, the market was not only over-saturated, but Freddy had become a cuddly, child-friendly phenomenon. Like I said earlier, not bad for a scabby paedo in in a Christmas jumper.

Enter Wes Craven and his New Nightmare. Whilst not the reinvention of the wheel that many claim it to be, New Nightmare certainly makes Freddy a force to be reckoned with again. It's set in the real world this time around. Heather Langenkamp (Langenkamp) plays Heather Langenkamp. Having starred in A Nightmare on Elm Street, Heather is now a fulltime mum, making an extra bit of cash from talkshow appearances discussing the appeal of Freddy and horror movies. Poor Heather, life after Elm Street ain't too good. Her child's a troubled crazy, she's being stalked by an obsessive fan, and her LA home is beset by earthquakes. All this, and she's having real bad nightmares... could nemesis Freddy Krueger have broken the boundaries from fantasy to reality?

Yes. Freddy's back, and it turns out that he's actually a demon; one that's taken the form of the fictional Freddy Krueger. To trap/placate the FreddyDemon, he needs stories told about himself. So he bullies director Wes Craven (Wes Craven) into making a new Nightmare film. And, like the Andrew Lloyd Webber of horror movies, Freddy needs his Nancy.

New Nightmare is an interesting little metafilm that stands up well both as an entry into the Elm Street series and as a standalone horror movie in itself. The premise is fun and funky, and came at a time when the market hadn't yet been totally overloaded with self-aware horror movies. All the main players are back (although a cameo from Johnny Depp surely couldn't have hurt), with the John Saxon making a neat little appearance and offering Heather a shoulder to cry on. FudgeDarn it, I wish I had a John Saxon was my friend. I also enjoyed Robert Englund (Englund) playing himself - and still managing to bbe a sinister bastich. He does bad guy duties as DemonFreddy too, and is the meanest he's been for years. It's great to see one of horror's greatest villains return to form as his proper, scary self.

Not all's great (I hate the child, the pacing is a bit slow & it could've used a bit more in the way of classic Nightmare imagery), but along with the first 3 in the series, Wes Craven's New Nightmare stands as a beautiful little bookend to what might be the most imaginative, intelligent horror franchise of the 20th century.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child

Director: Stephen Hopkins (1989)

Starring: Lisa Wilcox, Kelly Jo Minter, Robert Englund

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

With all the artistic consideration of a Saw movie, The Dream Child was rushed out only a year after Freddy's last cinematic outing. Alas, Alice (Wilcox) is back, but this time she's slightly less irritating than she was in The Dream Master. She's got a son now, and he's got similar dream powers to his mother. Yay, magic children. Every franchise should have magic children. Magic fucking children definitely aren't annoying. Every great horror icon should be beaten at least once by a fucking magic fucking child. Although don't feel too bad, Freddy. Jason got himself killed by Corey Feldman. And not even a magic Corey Feldman. Just regular, annoying Corey Feldman.

But before he gets his ass whupped by Alice (again) and a child, Freddy acts like a ten-year-old with ADHD himself, turning into a motorbike and a superhero to kill a few cannon fodder teens. Yes, Freddy Krueger turns into a motorbike and a superhero in The Dream Child. There are one or two cool deaths too, but the line "faster than the bastard son of 100 maniacs" makes my ears cry every time (although it does make another - more embarrassed - side of me smile too). Robert Englund is the best thing about the movie, even when he's shamelessly overacting. Although you knew that already.

The Dream Child scores itself a lowly 2/5 screaming Scream Queens because it has Freddy Krueger pursuing his victims on a skateboard. Let the stupidity of that sentence sink in, then shoot over to the next review for Freddy's all-time (so far) stupidest movie. Freddy's Dead. No, not quite. But by the time you've finished with The Final Nightmare, you'll wish he was...

A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master

Director: Renny Harlin (1988)

Starring: Lisa Wilcox, Andras Jones, Danny Hassel, Robert Englund

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

Kristen returns, although she's not played by Patricia Arquette anymore. Tuesday Knight (HA) steps into Patricia's shoes for long enough to accidentally resurrect Freddy and get herself killed. Fellow loony bin inmates Kincaid and Joey return too, albeit only to get offed within the first half hour. Poor Joey. Although he can speak now, his libido gets the better of him again and he ends up suffering the movie's most entertaining death. And, as soon as you see the setup, you'll guess the punchline. WET DREAM. GET IT, BECAUSE IT'S A WATERBED. AHAAAA HAAA.

But before Freddy kills her, Kristen manages to pass on her abilities to schoolmate Alice (Wilcox). Handy that, since Freddy now has his sights set on Alice and the various other youths of Springwood. But see, Alice is a zany daydreamer type (read: annoying goon). With every death, Alice grows stronger and stronger and gains more abilities, making her the titular 'Dream Master'. Eventually, the stage is set for an epic showdown between the Dream Master and Freddy Krueger himself. Disappointing dullness and an irritating lead character make this the weakest Nightmare until the next one.

Freddy is in full-on cartoon mode now, and is but a caricature of his original self. He makes lame jokes, his jumper is brighter than ever and he prances embarrassingly around the screen like he were the fucking Leprechaun. Still, Robert Englund is always a watchable presence, and it's hard to fault the man, even when he's making a joke of his best character.

There are a few fun deaths to be found within The Dream Master, including one which sees a girl turned into a cockroach, Joey's 'wet dream' (GET IT), a pizza-related kill, and a particularly cruel one with an asthmatic girl. Freddy's demise too, is perhaps his finest and amongst the most memorable in the whole franchise. This review is full of spoilers, in case you hadn't noticed.

But, after the glorious lunacy of the first three Nightmares, this fourth entry feels tired and just a little average. Freddy is starting to suffer from signs of overexposure - he's a serial killer, not a fucking standup comedian - and the 'Dream Master' storyline really grates, thanks to a whimsical, limp lead performance concentrated on an irritating central character. There's no sense of menace in the movie at all; one senses that Renny Harlin really isn't suited to horror movies. Although by this point, it seems they weren't really trying to make 'horror' as we know it. Krueger's too familiar to be scary now, so why even try?

Ultimately, The Dream Master isn't really that bad of a movie - Freddy's worst days were yet to come - but it's nowhere near as good as its predecessors. And that, for a Nightmare on Elm Street, is just a damn shame.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors

Director: Chuck Russell (1987)

Starring: Heather Langenkamp, Patricia Arquette, Craig Wasson, Robert Englund

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

The first Nightmare may have been the best; the second is the strangest; the third, however, remains my personal favourite so far. Heather Langenkamp's Nancy returns to the franchise to do battle with Freddy for a second time. But we're no longer in residence on Elm Street. The action switches to Westin Hills, a psychiatric hospital for young people (fun fact: we'd return to Westin Hills in Freddy vs Jason, to find it filled with annoying arseholes who deserve to be bloody locked away). Lead loony is Kristen Parker (Arquette) a girl with the unique power to pull others into her nightmares. With the help of Nancy, dishy Doctor Neil (Wasson) and her fellow inmates, Kristen hopes to put Freddy to rest once and for all...

For my money, this is where the Nightmare franchise hit both its stride and its peak. Nowhere to go but down. Freddy, despite getting a few more wisecracks this time, is still scary and menacing; the kids are likeable and (mostly) non-annoying; The John Saxon returns to the fray; and a young Larry Fishburne moonlights as hospital orderly Max. The deaths are grisly, memorable and apt. As with the best Nightmare deaths, each individual kill manages to fit the character perfectly. My favourite: tied between either the puppeteer death or the girl who gets her head shoved through a TV screen. Most satisfying: the Harry Potter kid in the wheelchair. Whoever said Freddy wasn't an equal opportunities killer?

It also rounds off Freddy's origins with perhaps my favourite bit of backstory, ever. Dream Warriors is where we meet Amanda Krueger and hear her "bastard son of 100 maniacs" story. It's brilliantly grotesque and a great background for everyone's favourite killer. The overall tone is a little lighter than Craven's original movie, and Freddy's showing signs of softening up, but is still crucially a harsh bastich. The pace snaps along nicely, with a couple of genuinely shocking moments in store for the movie's final beat.

Dream Warriors is my favourite of the Nightmares. All the classic Elm Street elements are there; Krueger at the top of his game, The John Saxon, Nancy, disturbed kids, cruel death scenes and a few chilling dream sequences for good measure. Ignore the laughably 80s' subtitle, Dream Warriors is a franchise at the peak of its excellence.

A Nightmare on Elm St 2: Freddy's Revenge

Director: Jack Sholder (1985)

Starring: Mark Patton, Lisa Webber, Robert Rusler, Robert Englund

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

Freddy makes his first comeback in this, the first and perhaps most unfairly maligned of the Elm Street sequels. Whereas most slasher sequels tend to simply replay the events of earlier movies, Freddy's Revenge does its own thing - with varying degrees of success. One thing's for sure - Freddy's revenge sure is sweaty. And gay.

After the events of the first movie, Jesse Walsh (Patton) and his family move into Nancy's house. Soon, Jessie begins experiencing terrible nightmares. And who should show up in these nightmares but the dream demon hisself, a Mister Freddy Kreuger. Freddy's working under a different Modus Operandi this time, and uses Jesse as a vessel for real-world murders. All of this is punctuated with a lot of homoeroticism and scenes of a shirtless Jesse waking up covered in sweat. A lot of sweat. This movie is sweatier and more loaded with nudity than that bit in the sauna with Viggo Mortenson in Eastern Promises.

And such glorious nudity. It's like Twilight crossed with Brokeback Mountain. Jesse spends as much time nearly-naked as he does clothed; and usually drenched in sweat too. To be fair though, the 80s' wardrobing is hideous, so your eyes will probably be glad for a respite from all the terrible, terrible shirts on show. Early in the movie, he tussles with classmate Ron Grady (Rusler), and ends up with his pants around his ankles as they fight/undress one another. Then there's PE teacher Mr. Schneider (Marshall Bell) who trawls S&M clubs at night and forces Jesse to shower. The homosexual undertones in Freddy's Revenge aren't hard to miss. If I were at university still, I might theorise that Jesse's struggles with Freddy represent his coming to terms with his own burgeoning sexuality. Thankfully, I'm not at university anymore, so I don't have to say shit like that no more. Such things aside, Freddy's Revenge is undeniably the most interesting of his Nightmares. And it comes at a period in Krueger's career where the man is still a damn scary prescence. Even when he's towel-whipping a man's ass, Freddy is terrifying.

That said, I can see why a lot of people have problems with Freddy's Revenge. I'm not entirely sold myself on Freddy committing real-world crimes, and Jesse as a protagonist just doesn't have the same appeal as Nancy. But it's really a very solid entry into the series, and not just a lazy rehash of the first movie. Just look at the Friday the 13th series - every episode is exactly the same (well, save for perhaps the last few). Even the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise would itself devolve into repetitious nonsense (to this day, I have trouble telling the fifth and sixth entries apart). Freddy's Revenge is original, interesting, well-made and sweaty. Very, very sweaty.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

Director: Wes Craven (1984)

Starring: Heather Langenkamp, Robert Englund, Johnny Depp, The John Saxon

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

Gary Glitter take note. Sometimes, screaming hate mob Daily Mail justice can do wonders for your career. From the twisted mind of Wes Craven comes his Nightmare on Elm Street, an asparational film for paedophiles. Fred Kreuger (Englund) was but a mild kiddy-fiddler; fond of murdering children every now and then, but nothing special. One night, mob justice comes-a-callin' and soon Fred is sipping molotov cocktails, courtesy of Sheriff Thompson (The John Saxon). Being a little more ambitious than your average pervo, Kreuger resurrects himself as a Dream Demon, and begins stalking his victims as they sleep. And so a bona fide horror icon is born.

Wes Craven’s original Nightmare on Elm Street is about as classic as you can get; up there with such genre might as Halloween, Psycho and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (I actually prefer it to Halloween). Indeeds, they actually showed it as part of a film module on my university course. Many sequels and a VS movie later, Freddy Kreuger is as much a horror giant as the likes of Frankenstein, Dracula and Jekyll/Hyde. Not bad for a scabby paedo in a dodgy Christmas jumper.

Reviewing such classics are always hard, since so much of it has been said before. The central idea is an incredible one; a universal fear of the boogeyman that stalks one's dreams. It's well acted, well written and directed by one of the genre's masters. It has Johnny Depp dying one of slasherdom's best deaths (second only to the same movie's first kill). It has the John Saxon. It's full of iconic moments - the glove in the bathtub. The girl being dragged across the ceiling. The face emerging from the wall. Hell, it spawned Freddy vs Jason; this fanboy's wettest of wet dreams. I don't want to live in a world in which Freddy vs Jason never existed.

Sure, it hasn't aged as well as some (the scene with Freddy's elongated arms ain't looking too sharp these days) and Langenkamp isn't quite as likeable or fun as her co-stars, but it manages to capture that universal fear matched only by the very best horrors out there. And it has Robert Englund as Freddy Krueger - arguably the finest boogeyman of the 20th Century.

I’m looking forward to the remake, but there’s no way that it can possibly match its predecessor. I’m sure Jackie Rorschach Haley will make a great Freddy Krueger – and Lordy knows, the character needs returning to his scary roots – but no-one can possibly do it quite like Craven and Englund. Freddy would return a multitude of times after his first Nightmare (and then some), but for a blast of sheer scary unadulterated slasher goodness in its purest form - that first Nightmare is always the scariest.

Freddy's Dead: a comic book adaptation.

The very worst of the NOES movies (to date) becomes the very worst NOES comic in Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare, a comic book adaptation that's truly terrible even by those already terrible standards. I'd like to say that this is the worst comic book adaptation I've ever read - but then, I own Jason Goes to Hell too - and nothing can beat that particular turd. The best comic book adaptation of a movie, incidentally, is Northstar Comics' Leatherface. Unlike most, the team couldn't give a fuck about the movie and just basically make up their own last half. It's demented, poetically scripted, disgustingly violent and just plain beautiful. Stop reading this review, and go hunt down Leatherface instead.

Freddy's Dead is completely faithful to the movie's plot, which is perhaps the comic's biggest mistake. Everything is as you remember it, only depicted via the medium of terrible artwork. The characters look weird and half-finished; the colours are garish and completely unsuited to the subject matter. Admittedly, movie Freddy was hardly scary himself by this point, but his comic book self is even worse - all primary colours and no menace whatsoever. Like the movie, the final issue is presented partly in 3D. And it's done just as badly as everything else so far. As soon as it switches to 3D, all the colour is drained out and the whole thing is illustrated in blue-and-white. Freddy's 'final' death is not only still shit, but now completely drained of colour. Little wonder he was pissed when he came back in New Nightmare.

"Fucking ebay. The seller didn't even send the 3D glasses. Look, I had to buy my own. Fucking ebay. They should have pictures of Freddy Krueger on the side, but I had to buy stupid fucking white ones that don't even match the comic I'm reading. Fucking ebay."

Because the medium has changed, everything that was good about the movie has been completely stripped out. The lack of Robert Englund's performance strips the story of its soul, and the cameos from Alice Cooper and Johnny Depp are gone. The kill scenes are ruined - with decent, scary artwork, they might have come into their own - and all that remains are the considerable faults of the source material.

Innovation Comics filed for bankruptcy shortly after the publication of Freddy's Dead, which goes to show that even in the 90s', people still had a modicum of taste. Life ain't all bad though - for some decent Kreuger comics, seek out some Wildstorm work ('Copycat' is particularly good), or Freddy vs Jason vs Ash. If you have any respect for your eyes, you won't bother looking for Freddy's Dead, since it really, really isn't worth your money.

Freddy vs Jason vs Ash: Nightmare Warriors (1 of 6)

Picking up a month after Freddy vs Jason vs Ash left off, the first issue of Nightmare Warriors finds the Chosen One – that’s Evil Dead’s Ash to you – living happily in suburbia with the first book’s survivor. Jason Voorhees is buried at the bottom of a lake, whilst Freddy has presumably buggered back off to the dream world. A group of shady military types find the Necronomicon (which, it is revealed, mama Voorhees used to grant Jason eternal life) and steal it away. This, predictably enough, ends up bringing Jason back to life, whereupon he kills a diver and some soldiers. Once more, Freddy remains in the shadows for now – seemingly content to control Jason from the sidelines; encouraging the retarded mummy’s boy to hunt down and kill Ash. Apparently killing the chosen one will give Jason some superpowers or something.

This being but the first part of a six-issue miniseries, it’s hard to say how Nightmare Warriors will pan out. At a guess, I’d say that Freddy and Jason become a national threat of some sort, and the government will call on Ash to save the day (what with the Necronomicon being taken by military types & an attempt to recruit Ash into some sort of military scheme).

The original writing and illustration team are back… which doesn’t bode amazingly well for Nightmare Warriors’ future readability. The original FvJvA started off well, but by issue six, Craig’s artwork had become distractingly shoddy; often seeming rushed and half-finished. Likewise, Kuhoric’s script ran out of ideas after the second issue, with the story descending into something of an unintelligible mess (with an unforgivable Watchmen rip-off being perhaps the lowest of all low points). And, unfortunately, the first issue of Nightmare Warriors is disappointingly… samey.

With all that said, however, Nightmare Warriors is pleasingly gruesome and comical. In this age of remakes, it’s nice to see Freddy, Jason and Ash in their original incarnations once more, and hell… the concept is still a spunk-inducing dream for fanboy bitches like myself.

Expect the following issues to be reviewed in due course.

4/5 screaming Scream Queens!!!

Freddy's Nightmares - No More Mr. Nice Guy

The first in the series of Freddy’s Nightmare on Elm Street spin-off, No More Mr. Nice Guy is a prequel to the movies, showing the events which led up to one Fred Krueger becoming an infamous dream demon and punchbag to Jason Voorhees.

The episode opens with a faux ‘news report’, complete with graphics that look like they were made on Microsoft Paint. The news reporter gives a nice little ‘WTF’ expression, before being teleported away from behind the desk. The screen then cuts to some more MS Paint graphics; this time a bunch of green and red stripes that are probably supposed to represent Freddy’s jumper.

Talking of whom, we cut to Freddy, who is clouded in the shadows of a boiler room. “No no no! Don’t be afraid. This time it isn’t one of your nightmares… this one… was mine!”

News reporter dude is back, looking confused outside of a courtroom. He informs us that we’re at the trial of Fred Krueger. Inside, a pre-burning Freddy stands at the, um stand, looking smug. Although the evidence points to Freddy being entirely guilty, he is acquitted of the charges – apparently because the arresting officers never bothered to read him his rights.

Y’know, most people tend to wear a suit to court. Freddy goes the unconventional route, wearing his usual Christmas jumper and silly hat.

But anyway, as he leaves the court, the angered jury and outraged parents vow to take the law into their own hands. Freddy, meanwhile, clears off back to his boiler room and makes lots of growling noises whilst walking around in the darkness. I wonder if the upcoming remake will include Freddy’s ice cream van? I suppose if I were a child murderer, I’d drive around in an ice cream van too.

As this is happening, melodramatic 80s’ American rock plays in the background. You’d think Freddy’d want to lay low for a while, all things considered, but he’s far more content to sit in his lair and talk to his gloves, promising them some “feed” later. It’s interesting to note that, in this episode, we get the mostly-scary Freddy that we recognise from the first few Nightmare flicks. I guess it would’ve been difficult to have Funny Freddy come out to play while he was still in child-killer mode.

Anywizz, just as Freddy shows up to kill some girls (on the same night as he’s been acquitted of child-murder? You gotta admire the man’s dedication) a lynch mob appears and torches him - “tonight… the law is on vacation”. But it’s okay, because the child murderer seems to realise he can’t be killed. He just stands there and allows the parents to douse him in petrol – even encouraging them to do so (“that’s it… pour it all over me pig… gonna have a cook out, huh?") and just as he makes like a dog and goes woof (GET IT) there’s the inevitable “I’ll be baa-aaack!” By-the-by, I don't see anyone even remotely resembling John Saxon amongst the mob, so it's hard to say where this episode lies in relation to Nightmare continuity.

The rest of the episode follows the cop who burned Freddy, setting up Kreuger’s new MO as a dream killer. Freddy taunts the cop for a bit, ramming him with his ice cream van, and then finally finishing him off in a dentists’ chair. And so ends the first episode of Freddy’s Nightmares.

It’s a shame, because this series could have been good had a little more been lavished upon it in the budget, script and acting stakes. This pilot episode, inparticular had potential. And – while it’s far from classic Freddy – it does make for interesting viewing.

No More Mr. Nice Guy is mostly shit, but gets an extra Scream Queen simply because of that potential. Expect further episodes to be reviewed sporadically, when I can be arsed to look them up on youtube.



3/5 screaming Scream Queens!!!

Comic Book Review - Freddy vs Jason vs Ash

Review first published December 2008.

The first few story arcs aside, Dynamite Comics’ Army of Darkness was a disappointment. And up until recently, Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the Thirteenth comics were hardly a guarantor of quality (saying that, even the recent Elm Street comics kinda suck paedo balls). Still, hopes were high when Freddy vs Jason vs Ash was first announced. A comic-book sequel to 2003’s Freddy vs Jason, it promised to be a great big fanboys’ wet dream. It was easily my most eagerly anticipated comic event of last year (save, perhaps for Garth Ennis’ final arc on The Punisher, but I digress). And then it arrived. Well, did it live up to expectations?

Well, it could hardly have gone wrong. In my eyes, Kuhoric and Craig (the writer an illustrator, respectively) could have taken a massive, sweaty dump on the page… and I’d have lapped it up like a dog. Freddy vs Jason vs Ash provides everything you’d expect from such a title… but not much more.

Taking a less fanboy-esque stance on the thing, you can see how some might say that FvJvA is a bit, well, shite. The story’s hardly imaginative; Freddy, hankering to give himself some really nasty powers, is after the Necronomicon. To accomplish this, he sends Jason to fetch it. Into the fold comes Evil Dead’s Ash who also wants the Necronomicon; presumably to ensure it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands. Things go tits-up when Jason refuses to play ball, Ash refuses to die, and Freddy just acts like an arse about everything.

Most of the action consists of homages to the three respective franchises. So you get to see Ash lop of his hand (again) and a virtual replay of Freddy vs Jason’s climax, only with added Ash. It’s pretty fun to see set-pieces like that revisited, but too often it feels lazy and in place of any real action. And, once more, this feels more like a Nightmare on Elm Street story with added guests, rather than a combination of three mighty franchises.

Still, there’s a high bodycount, and a fair amount of gore and violence. For the most part, it’s illustrated with gusto by Jason Craig. And then it reaches issue three. Suddenly, the art takes a real dip in quality. It’s like Craig’s rushing to meet the deadline; or as if he just couldn’t be arsed with putting any more effort into things. Which is a shame, because the first issue is beautifully illustrated.

It’s hard to knock something such as this, though. Freddy vs Jason vs Ash is unlikely to ever be realized on the big screen now, so I’ll be happy with whatever I can get.