1. Batman Returns

Director: Tim Burton (1992)
Starring: Michael Keaton, Michelle Pfieffer, Danny DeVito
Find it: IMDB

Tim Burton, a giant Christmas tree full of bats, Alfred doing his Christmas shopping, and Gotham City in the snow. Just try telling me that Batman Returns isn't really a Christmas movie and I'll tell you how wrong you are. Alright, like Die Hard, Filth and many Shane Black joints, the Christmas element of Batman Returns is just incidental enough that we can watch it all year around, but it wears its festivities upon its sleeve, kisses beneath the mistletoe and all.

This is a funny way to preface a love letter to Batman Returns, but Batman Returns is a terrible Batman movie. It might be the least faithful Batman movie ever made, featuring a Batman who murders more casually than even Ben Affleck and can't hold a candle to the heroism of Val Kilmer or George Clooney. In terms of its source material, Batman Returns is an absolute travesty. Say what you will about the rest, but they remained faithful to some version of Batman or another - be it camp, tortured or Frank Miller. Not so the Batman of Batman 1989 and its sequel - this is Tim Burton's very own take on the character, beholden to none...*

And yet. Batman Returns remains my favourite Batman movie of all time, head and shoulders above even The Dark Knight or Batman '66. I detested the murderous Batman of Batman v Superman. I balked at the "...I don't have to save you line" in Batman Begins. Batman tying a gargoyle to the Joker's leg and watching him drop off've the side of a building troubles me to no end. And yet. In Batman Returns Batman straps a bomb to a guy, drops him down a manhole and lets him explode. With a smile. And this is my favourite moment in Batman Returns.

Batman Returns is a film which plays entirely by its own rules, shrugging off the conventions of most comic book adaptations or action movies to do its own thing, yet still keeping everything which worked about the original film. Michael Keaton is wonderfully weird as Bruce Wayne. Michael Gough, pitch-perfect as Alfred. The car and the suit. Danny Elfman's theme. A properly Gothic looking Gotham City. Paul Reubens in the pre-credits sequence. Hell, that whole pre-credits sequence...

Danny DeVito and Michelle Pfieffer are the (pre-reboot) franchise's iconic villains, lacking the baggage (and, perhaps, one-dimensionality) of the Joker, which gives them some leway  in depiction and performance. And, of course, Christopher Walken as Max Shreck, who was made up for the film but steals it anyway.

The Mike Pence to Oswald Cobblepot's Trump, Max Shreck aids the quacking creep as he runs for Mayor of Gotham City. Watching in 2016, it's eerily prescient. I know, we say that about everything these days, but that dialogue is spot on at times. "It's not about power. It's about reaching out to people," says the Penguin of his policies, "touching people. Groping people." Then, mere moments later, of Catwoman, "Just the Pussy I've been looking for." Which would make poor Batman (again, a bit-player in his own movie) the Hillary Clinton of the piece, framed on a trumped up murder charge.

"The glory I yearn to recapture is the glory of Gotham!" speechifies the Penguin from his lectern. In other words, 'Make Gotham great again', right? Ultimately, Cobblepot is undone after Gotham overhears him badmouthing the city and its citizens - playing them like "a harp from hell." Which is, sadly, the one thing Batman Returns got wrong. Hizzoner the Trump tweets shit like that all the time and look where he ended up.

It's not all politics though: Batman Returns also takes in the hottest superhero screen romance we've ever seen; Pfieffer's puberty engine catsuit and the sizzling dialogue ("mistletoe is deadly if you eat it...") managing to bypass what is, admittedly, a lack of chemistry between herself and Keaton. His bulky, immobile Batsuit doesn't really help matters either. It's hard to feel sexy when you're walking around dressed like your car.

The Dark Knight had a rough road ahead following Batman Returns. After Burton and Keaton hit the road, the franchise would stumble on to one passable entry - the underrated but still quite bad Batman Forever - before being bludgeoned to death with neon camp in Batman & Robin. Things are on a (relatively) even keel now, but there's no Batman movie I return to more, or have fonder memories of, than this one. All year round. What, it isn't really a Christmas movie... is it?

*Except maybe for those very earliest issues by Bob Kane and Bill Finger, in which the Bat was still figuring his shit out and nobody was quite sure what he was supposed to be.

Batman: Year One

Director: Sam Liu, Lauren Montgomery (2011)

Starring: Bryan Cranston, Ben McKenzie, Eliza Dushku

Find it: IMDB

They really should have called it Jim Gordon: Year One. Batman Begins all over again in this adaptation of Frank Miller's comic book of the same name. I didn't particularly need to see yet another retelling of the tale of Batman's formative years, but Frank Miller's is pretty much the definitive version, so why not.

Mostly though, it's about honest cop James Gordon and his arrival in a city full of bent coppers, criminals and scumbags. You might not ever see his face, but Bryan Cranston delivers a perfect Commissioner Gordon performance. I had thought that Gary Oldman was good in the Dark Knight films, but Cranston blows that out of the water. When they inevitably get around to rebooting live-action Batman, they had better cast Cranston as Gordon. Also: piss off, I don't want to watch a John Blake Batman film.

Full disclosure: I am one of those twattocks who goes on about how good Breaking Bad is all the time. I fucking love Breaking Bad. Who would have thought that Malcolm in the Middle's Dad would turn out to be one of my favourite actors ever? (more full disclosure: me). He sounds exactly as I've always imagined Jim Gordon would sound. Fullest disclosure: Total Recall is still shit though, and Cranston is shit in it too.

What with Gary Oldman and Bryan Cranston, it's nice to see Commissioner Gordon get his dues. I love Tim Burton's Batman films as much (more) as any child of the 80s, but fuck Pat Hingle and his comedy incompetence.  Ben McKenzie's Batman sounds too young for my liking, but even the Dark Knight gotta star somewhere, eh? The animation is very nice - quite similar to David Mazzucchelli's artwork, from the comic book itself.

The biggest problem the film has is with its own redundancy. A lot of this material was covered in Batman Begins. Still, it does have that bit in which Batman punches a bent cop through a wall for shooting at a cat. For that alone, Year One is well worth a punt.

The Dark Knight Returns: Part I

Director: Jay Olivia (2012)

Starring: Peter Weller, Ariel Winter, David Selby

Find it: IMDB

The best Batman movie of the year. There's a reason I haven't gotten around to reviewing The Dark Knight Rises yet, and that reason has something to do with Christopher Nolan's trilogy topper leaving me profoundly disappointed. The Dark Knight Rises is an okay comic book slash action movie, I suppose, but it's a sucky Batman film. In Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy, The Batman has now spent more time retired than he has fighting crime. The Dark Knight's career effectively consists of him beating up some criminals, toppling a gangster, defeating the Joker and getting his girlfriend killed. Also, taking the credit for Two-Face's death. Still, I liked Bane, and the bit with the football field was good.

But wait, this is a review of The Dark Knight Returns, not that other thing. Batman (Weller) is retired again - although in this instance, he does deserve a bit of a rest after a good few years of crime-fighting. Jason Todd is dead, Dick Grayson estranged, and the city is overrun by a gang of criminals calling themselves 'The Mutants'. Bored and still harbouring serious anger management issues, Batman Returns to sort his city out. First on his to-do list: the re-emergence of Two-Face and the hiring of a new Robin.

The Dark Knight Returns made me feel exactly how I wanted The Dark Knight Rises to make me feel. I genuinely had chills run down my spine during the "operating table" line, as well as during Bats' initial return. He might look disconcertingly like an angry version of his Brave and the Bold self here, but this Batman is properly scary. Not since Batman Begins have we seen Batman really terrorise the fuck out of some unsuspecting criminals. This adaptation of Frank Miller's comic book is almost entirely faithful, save for a few wisely chosen moments which make Batman less of a dickhead. Namely the scene from the book, in which Batman uses a criminal's massive machine gun to blow the bastard away - this adaptation has him simply conk the bad guy on the head with it, which feels more consistent with the Batman we know and love.

Except for maybe this one.

  

As with the other recent DC animated movies, it looks geat; very similar to Miller's artwork, except without the crap panels and occasionally dodgy anatomy. The voice acting isn't bad, although David Selby's Commissioner Gordon sounds a tad too old and doddery. There will always be those who say that Batman should be voiced by Kevin Conroy and no-one else, but I liked Peter Weller's crusty, understated version. The music is ace too, with a nice booming synth score which makes The Dark Knight Returns sound like an 80s action film.

Frank Miller may have gone off the rails recently, but this work remains as good as ever. I watched this as part of a double bill with Year One, and enjoyed both tremendously. Nobody does fascism fetishism like 80s' Frank Miller. I may never get an All-Star Batman and Robin adaptation (starring Charlie Sheen as the goddamn Batman) but The Dark Knight Returns (Part 1) will do quite nicely instead. 

The best Batman movie of 2012.    

The Horror Advent Calender: 1. Batman Returns

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: Tim Burton (1992)

Starring: Michael Keaton, Danny DeVito, Michelle Pfeiffer

Find it: IMDB

Following his (essentially) throwing The Joker off the side of a Cathedral, Batman returns to terrorise the criminals of Gotham City some more. This time he faces The Penguin (DeVito) and Catwoman (Pfeiffer) who join forces to discredit Batboob and turn Gotham against him. Love interests ensue when Bats' and Cats' secret identities fall for one another. Christopher Walken plays a man called Max Shreck (get it) who helps Penguin carry out his nefarious schemes.

Like many of Burton's films, Batman Returns feels very Christmassy. It makes for a better atmosphere than the first Batman, and allows Burton to get away with a lot of wintry Gothic scenes. It's an all around better piece than the first, freed from Jack Nicholson's scene stealing (although DeVito and Walken chew quite a lot of scenery) and the nonsense revelation that Joker shot dear old Thomas & Martha Wayne. It's more odd and stylized, still taking too many liberties with the source material, but feels more fluid and fun. Particularly enjoyable are The Penguin's Circus freak goons. Batman too gets more of a chance to flex his muscles.

Batman Returns was the first Batman movie this avid Batfan ever watched, so will always hold a very dear place in my heart. Sure, Batman straps a bomb to someone and throws him down a well, but how can one not love Michael Keaton's goofy charm? He's probably my favourite Batman (Adam West not withstanding). Regarde:

Compared with:

I rest my case. Images stolen from The Internets. I'm glad Michael Keaton had a second chance to shine before the more ridiculous Batmen took over. Meanwhile, Michelle Pfeiffer explains a lot. I'm pretty sure that Michelle Pfeiffer's Catwoman is singlehandedly responsible for my transformation from child to sexual being. I grew several pubes whilst watching Batman Returns (I then lost them all during Catwoman and have been impotent ever since).

The Dark Knight may be the best Batman movie ever made, but Batman Returns is my favourite.

20. Catwoman

Director: Pitof (2004)

Starring: Halle Berry, Sharon Stone, Benjamin Bratt

Find it: IMDB

Mild-mannered graphic designer Patience Philips (Berry) finds herself embroiled in the midst of a corporate conspiracy and is murdered. But not even by Christopher Walken, who at least knew how to murder in style. Nobody in Catwoman does anything in style, which is odd, considering that over half of the characters are supposed to be involved in the fashion industry. Patience is killed and then resurrected by cats, who endow her with super cat powers. Indeed. Looks to me like somebody decided to bypass reading any Batman comics and instead take Tim Burton's stupid Catwoman 'resurrection' as an actual thing that could actually happen. Myself, I prefer to take Batman Returns' Catwoman origin story with a grain of salt. She just banged her head and went a bit mad. She doesn't have nine lives, she's just a bit resilient. If anyone can survive falling out of a window, it's Michelle Pfeiffer. Halle Berry looks like she'd have trouble opening a door.

Resurrected with her super powers, Patience reinvents herself as Catwoman and sets about trashing some guy's house just because he won't turn the music down. Then, wearing a truly ridiculous costume, she foils a robbery in progress and goes around doing dodgy CGI over ceilings.

Daredevil breathe easy, you no longer have the stupidest flirt-fight (or flirticuffs, as I refer to it whenever I randomly start attacking women in playgrounds). Daredevil had its blind lawyer battling Elektra whilst jumping about on playground equipment. Catwoman does exactly the same thing with a basketball game and a hot cop (Bratt). Meanwhile, Catwoman's fat comedy friend (see also: Jon Favreau in Daredevil) is hospitalised by toxic beauty products. This signals the coming of the plot, which somehow involves Patience's boss and Sharon Stone.

Even aside from the fact that Catwoman has nothing to do with anything, it's a terrible movie. Maybe even worse than Batman & Robin. Halle Berry isn't all that awful though. She's as good as Uma Thurman managed to be as Poison Ivy, which is to say that her being shit is mostly the film's fault. Benjamin Bratt is likeable, whilst Sharon Stone is amusingly bad. Unlike everything else. Which is just bad. Cat-astrophically bad.

18. Batman & Robin

Director: Joel Schumacher (1997)

Starring: George Clooney, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Uma Thurman

Find it: IMDB

Batman (Clooney) and Robin (O' Donnell) fight the combined forces of Mr. Freeze (Shwarzenegger), Poison Ivy (Thurman) and Bane (Jeep Swenson) whilst bickering amongst themselves, agonizing over Alfred's imminent death and trying to keep Batgirl (Alica Silverstone) from crashing the party. Too many cooks, and all that. And if even one of those cooks is Joel Schumacher, it's a cook too many (although I did enjoy his 8mm).

Dispersing with most of the Gothicism the series had hitherto become known for (even Batman Forever), Batman & Robin is a brightly coloured neon-lit headache of a movie. It kicks off with Mr. Freeze relieving a museum of its valuable diamonds. Which is a lovely old fashioned plot, actually. Not enough Bat-villains these days are into the whole stealing things these days. They just want to watch the world burn. Well, Schwarzenegger's Mr. Freeze is very old fashioned, all stupid puns ("ice to see you" and "stay cool") and rocketships which shoot off into the atmosphere. But Batman and Robin can't stop arguing for long enough to stop him. "This," says Batman, "is why Superman works alone." If this is what a functional DC Universe would have looked like, I am in no doubt that the Superman of which Batman speaks is the Nicolas Cage version:

Elsewhere, we see the birth of Poison Ivy. Much like Michelle Pfeiffer's Catwoman, her creation is at the hands of a crummy boss. In this case, John Glover as Dr. Jason Woodrue. See, it really is a living and breathing DC Universe. This very much could have been set in the same universe as Wes Craven's Swamp Thing. Batman & Robin is full of ideas that predates the current slew of Marvel films by over ten years. Woodrue attempts to kill mild-mannered scientist Pamela Isley after she witnesses him selling their 'venom' to some very shady characters. Isley comes back, murders Woodrue and runs off with their experiment; Bane.

Definitely not the same Bane as the comics, cartoons, video games or forthcoming Dark Knight Rises. Bane in Batman & Robin is no criminal mastermind. He has green veins and growls a lot. Ivy and Bane forge a partnership with Mr. Freeze and set about destroying Gotham City. I suppose his making Gotham really, really cold would explain why Batman and Robin's nipples are so hard all of the time.

Batman & Robin is so bad that it's borderline unwatchable, destroying beloved characters and conventions with every passing moment. Clooney is a good Wayne (or at least, a good playboy - his Bruce Wayne is no more a 'mask' than Adam West's. In Schumacher's films, everything is taken at face value) but not much of a Batman. He's better than Val Kilmer in that he has screen presence, but no grit or substance. Robin is even worse. He's the worst character in the film, whingeing and crying and sulking the whole way through. Which is not attractive in a guy who looks about 25. Presumably because it looks cooler, he now dresses as Nightwing. Freeze is all glitter and stupid jokes. Poison Ivy is actually okay, but when surrounded by such ineptitude, even Uma Thurman can't help but suck a little bit.

Pat Hingle's portrayal of Commissioner Gordon, I still find offensive. Barbara Wilson's Batgirl is needless. Michael Gough as Alfred remains the series' anchor, managing to bring dignity to every scene in which he appears.

Batman & Robin is a ridiculous, ugly, stupid movie. I've come to regard it with some amusement since Christopher Nolan repaired the damage done, but it's still a very acquired taste. In some ways, it's more bearable than Batman Forever - it can be amusing if enjoyed ironically - but not by much. Batman & Robin is one of the worst movies ever made.

And yet, if you are fourteen years old, you will love it, unequivocally. I watched Batman & Robin in 1997, at the cinema, with an Uncle and my little brother. Fourteen-year-old me, in all of his childhood thought that this was the greatest Batman movie ever made. I had a green Bane action figure and everything. As the only person to witness my saying "wow! That was a great movie!" in relation to Batman & Robin, I now can't look that uncle in the eye. Thanks a lot, Batman & Robin.

17. Batman Forever

Director: Joel Schumacher (1995)

Starring: Val Kilmer, Jim Carrey, Tommy Lee Jones, Nicole Kidman

Find it: IMDB

The worst thing to be created by somebody called Joel since this blog. Although Batman Forever is generally considered a better film than its sequel, Batman & Robin, at least the latter film has consistency. It's consistently shit, granted, but at least it knows what it is. Batman Forever mixes the terrible camp of Batman & Robin with the gritty Gothicism of the Tim Burton films. It's as all over the place as the decor in Two-Face's hideout.

Batman (Kilmer) is still Batmanning, this time up against scarred ex-District Attorney Two-Face (Jones) and prancing green idiot The Riddler (Carrey). This film also introduces Robin (Chris O' Donnell) and love interest Chase Meridian (Kidman). Chase Meridian is only called Chase Meridian so that they can make the stupid "and what a delightful pursuit you are" joke.

Bruce considers giving up vigilantism and settling down with Doctor Meridian, a decision Robin is less than happy with, eager to avenge the death of his parents. The guy looks about twenty years old, but Bruce adopts him anyway. Meanwhile, The Riddler has invented a device that reads minds and Two-Face wears a series of atrocious suits. Every other iteration of the character realises that Two-Face was once District Attorney of Gotham City and is not all that bad a fellow, really. Batman Forever does not realise this. The only aspect of Two-Face's personality that the filmmakers get right is the fact that he flips a coin occasionally.

Val Kilmer is not a good Batman nor a good Bruce Wayne. He aims for the distant weirdness of Michael Keaton, but misses and comes across as bored and indifferent. There's a theory that Bruce Wayne is the mask, and Batman the real personality. Well in Batman Forever neither is at all convincing. He seems no more passionate about crime fighting than he is being a billionaire. That The Riddler's mind reading machine picks up anything more than static is quite impressive.

Once Batman's secret identity is uncovered by the villains (which seems to happen in nearly every Batman movie) The Riddler and Two-Face rock up at Wayne manor, beat up Alfred, blow up the Batcave and kidnap Doctor Meridian. Batman and Robin finally come together to rescue Chase and defeat the bad guys. Well, Batman does. Robin is immediately kidnapped by Two-Face so he can play Boy Hostage in the death trap next to Chase. There are a lot of death traps in Batman Forever, which recalls the days of Adam West and Burt Ward. Tommy Lee Jones's Two-Face really wouldn't have gone amiss alongside Caesar Romero and Frank Gorshin. He's a harmless goon. With nary a 'biff', 'pow' or even a 'sock', Batman saves the hostages, fries the Riddler's brain and makes Two-Face fall off a really high ledge. But at least he tries to save him, rather than vindictively tying a gargoyle to his leg and watching him splat on the pavement.

Batman Forever is a watchable film, but a terrible portrayal of Batman, Robin and Two-Face. Commissioner Gordon is still unrecogniseable. The Riddler fares slightly better, but the only person remotely fitting a character as we know him is Michael Gough as Alfred. I actually feel that he makes a better Alfred than Michael Caine. Not a lot of people know that.

Batman Forever? Well, not quite. Just one more film before they killed the franchise to sleep for nearly ten years.

Holy Terror

Batman The Fixer and Catwoman a hot cat burglar are fighting slash fucking on a rooftop in Gotham Empire City when an Al-Qaeda suicide bomber explodes all over the place and sets into motion a tremendously knuckleheaded chain of events. Even more knuckleheaded that one time Batman gratuitously napalmed a gang of thugs in All Star Batman & Robin.

Diplomacy, Frank Miller style. The most disappointing thing about Holy Terror is that those involved didn't stick with their guns and keep this a Batman project. The best way to read Holy Terror is just to pretend that it is Batman. It certainly looks like Batman. And sounds like (Frank Miller) Batman. Miller obviously doesn't keep any Tipp-Ex in his office, because Jim Gordon retains his signature moustache and glasses. He actually looks more like Gary Oldman in this than Commissioner Gordon in the official Batman Begins adaptation book. To re-iterate though, it's not Commissioner Gordon. It's not Batman either. Nor Catwoman, nor Gotham, honest.

Terrorists blow up Empire City, prompting The Fixer to wreak bloody revenge. Apparently Al-Quaeda have decided to take the whole city by force, which saves The Fixer from having to actually go anywhere. Because all Muslims are apparently terrorists, the final fight takes place in Empire City's oldest Mosque ("the Saudis spent a fortune on this place") which is also the terrorists' hiding place. But of course it is.

Anyone who reads modern Frank Miller will have been acutely aware of how Holy Terror was going to turn out. It does not disappoint. This is not the Frank Miller of Batman: Year One or The Dark Knight Returns, Daredevil or even Sin City. This is xenophobic Frank Miller, propagandist. Except propaganda is supposed to make your own country look good, and Holy Terror makes America look stupider than ever. This isn't Captain America punching Hitler on the jaw. This is someone claiming that you can solve all of the world's problems by shooting them. Or "postmodern diplomacy," as he calls it.

The art though, is good. It depends on how much to one's tastes Frank Miller's art is (and the art in Holy Terror is very Frank Miller-y) but it's vibrant, thrilling and expressive. Some of it isn't very clear, but there's that old Frank Miller inventiveness we've all come to know and love. The attack and its immediate aftermath is the best section of the book, before it has a chance to become all angry and self-righteous. Miller really gets across the sense of shock, terror, disbelief and confusion. The stark, black & white imagery is great, reminiscent of his work on Sin City.

Even the script shows occasional flashes of wit. A terrorist comes at The Fixer and shouts "Jihad!" Fixer grunts "gesundheit" and kicks him off a building. It's a cheap laugh, but I did laugh. The rest of it, sadly, reads like a Frank Miller parody. One could argue Holy Terror as a work of self-parody or winking irony (and the only way to enjoy it is ironically) but mostly it's just not-Batman going around shooting terrorists and blowing up Mosques whilst a complete lack of sympathetic Muslim characters proliferates. The word 'Islamophobia' is bandied around quite a lot on these Internets nowadays, but in the case of Holy Terror, it's apt.

Holy Terror is not for the easily offended nor for the discerning comic book fan. If you can take it with a pinch of salt and a disappointed shake of the head, there's some fun to be had.