Dreamcatcher

Director: Lawrence Kasdan (2003)

Starring: Damian Lewis, Timothy Olyphant, Thomas Jane, Morgan Freeman

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

If I've learnt anything from Dreamcatcher, it's that 16-year-old me was a fucking idiot. 16-year-old me was the first incarnation of me to watch Dreamcatcher, and he loved it. 24-year-old me, not so much. And I've a feeling I'd think the same about the novel if I tried to re-read that about now.

Ironically, Dreamcatcher's own age is its saving grace. Whereas 16-year-old me (or indeed, the cinemagoing public at the time) couldn't hope to appreciate its cast of relative nobodies (a certain Morgan Freeman aside), now the thing plays like man-crush central. It's a dream cast, starring the likes of Timothy Olyphant, Thomas Jane and My Name Is Earl. There's also Tom Sizemore and Donnie Wahlberg, alongside Morgan Freeman (who completely rocks a rare bad guy role).

Unfortunately, everything else is a bit IT-lite. The childhood flashbacks, psychic abilities and possession all feel like Stephen King trying to reclaim former glories. Only this time, with aliens. The lines of dialogue that might work in a King novel (or even not) don't translate well to film. The 'memory warehouse' stuff should have been wiped from the script. And the Duddits stuff is just cringeworthy. If I hear Donnie Wahlberg say "ister gay" ever again, I'll crush his head between two blocks of ice myself. The mentally disabled Duddits saves the world nonsense is both condescending and cheesy. Although I did laugh when Duddits got stabbed by tentacles at the end. Duddits. Even his name grates.

Knowing what we know now about the actors involved (namely, that Tom Jane, The Olyphant and My Name Is Earl are awesome) the decision to give wet Damian Lewis the lead role feels like a particularly bad one. Anyone who's seen The Baker *shudders* will know he finds it difficult holding a film on his own. Lewis's Jonesey is an achingly irritating character, especially when he's doing his stupid 'possessed voice' (an RP English accent) and to have him (spoiler) outlive both The Olyphant and Jason Lee is a slap in the face to fans of Awesome everywhere.

It's a story so stupid that the characters have to explain it to us in the movie's final line. "So Duddits was the dreamcatcher!" If they'd spent less time on the fart joke and poo-aliens and more time working the script into something intelligible, Dreamcatcher might have been salvaged. Duddits might have saved the world, but less Duddits might have saved this movie.

Still, I can appreciate Dreamcatcher for the things it does well. Morgan Freeman's eyebrows are incredible. Any scene with Jason Lee is a good one. Tom Jane gets to do his action man thing. The snowy environments are nice; very reminiscent of The Thing. And there are a few fun scenes of extra-terrestrial carnage. Fucking Duddits gets attacked by an alien. Timothy Olyphant is in it. Even if he does get a raw deal.

After watching this movie, I too will take to hanging a dreamcatcher above my bed. Not a mentally disabled psychic kid, no, A real dreamcatcher. I'll be hanging it there in the hope that I can forget all about Dreamcatcher.

HITMAN (2007)

Hunky man-crush Timothy Olyphant (The Crazies, Perfect Getaway) plays the eponymous bald barcoded Hitman. Despite looking like a Tory politician, Hitman - AKA Agent 47 - is a consumate badass. He's not quite as cold and cruel as the videogame character - but then, I did spend most of my time murdering hapless butlers/chauffers/mailmen, undressing them and dumping them down storm drains. Also cut from the movie: the numerous fuck-ups, dull wandering and sneaking around, and the epic failures that comes with being a completely inept gamer. Olyphant's Hitman is far less useless than I was, and it makes for a far more entertaining cinematic experience. Heck, I'm so terrible at the Hitman games that only Uwe Boll could do it justice.

There's a plot, but only as much as they could get away with inbetween set-pieces and hyperkinetic fight scenes. Agent 47 is employed to assassinate Russian president Belicoff, only to find himself set up and pursued by fellow Hitmen, the Russian military and a pair of dogged British cops. For some reason I missed, he gets himself mixed up with Nika (Olga Kurylenko) and sexual tension/LOTS OF NUDITY ensues. Villain duties are ably handled by Robert Knepper (Transporter 3/Prison Break/Heroes) and Desmond from off've Lost. Throw in a bit of casual misoginy, a hilarious four way sword-fight and plenty of nods to the game, and you have a wonderful example of how a videogame adaptation should be done.

Fans of the game series should find a lot to like in Hitman, even if it is a movie that feels like it should star Jason Statham (no bad thing). It's the dumbest thing since the lunkheaded Brit's Transporter trilogy, and is as a result, only marginally less entertaining. I like how the supposedly super-slick assassin couldn't look any more conspicuous if he tried. And nobody ever says "dude, what's with the barcode?" Hitman is as good as a videogame adaptation could possibly ever be, and is never anything less than fun. If you can get past the relentless idiocy, then there's a lot of fun to be had there.

Perfect Getaway

Director: David Twohy (2009)

Starring: Milla Jovovich, Steve Zahn, Timothy Olyphant, Kiele Sanchez

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

Like Turistas, but with a twist, a better script and good characters. Perfect Getaway sees Steve Zahn on honeymoon with Milla Jovovich. If you can get over that daft idea, then you shouldn't have too much trouble with the movie's considerable second-half twists.

So Zahn and Jovovich wind up hiking to a remote beach (a bit like Lost, but no monsters and no Jackface) in Hawaii. Along the way, they meet up with Nick (Olyphant) and Gina (Sanchez). Travelling along, they also discover that there's a psychopath on the loose, murdering vacationing couples. Is the killer amongst their party? Or could it be the Natural Born Killers-esque hitch-hikers that follow our couples around acting all mean and surly, like??

Perfect Getaway is a delightfully odd movie. It's not a comedy/horror per-se, but there's a cutely humorous streak to the proceedings. All of the actors and actresses involved do a good job; Olyphant's character is a rather annoying dick (full of "bullshitty" stories, as Zahn's character puts it) and Zahn overplays things a tad, but it's all good fun. And hey, this is a movie that the ladies and non-hetero horror fans can enjoy too; it's filled with shots of Olyphant's ass and six-pack. Heck, I'd probably even tap that. By the look of it, Zahn's been hitting the gym pretty hard too. Did I mention Olyphant's ass??...

Shit, where was I????

Uh, Milla Jovovich and Kiele Sanchez bare enough naked flesh too. That'll keep the guys interested too. Yes, there's something here for everyone. Except for maybe people who don't like stupid twists and self-aware scripts.

Ayup, the funny script and intentional oddness can't quite carry off the movie's mid-point twist (to say there's a twist isn't really a spoiler; the script constantly leads you to expect one, which is kinda annoying). It tries, but Perfect Getaway never really recovers. The final half hour or so is as stupid as you can get. (want it spoiled? Then roll over, dear readers: Zahn and Jovovich turn out to be the killers). But if you can forgive this bit of silliness, then Perfect Getaway is a very worthwhile, entertaining little thriller. Outstanding.