Predators

Director: Nimrod Antal (2010)

Starring: Adrien Brody, Danny Trejo, Laurence Fishburne (occasionally)

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

Taking a break from the relatively crappy Alien Vs Predator franchise, the Predators strike out again with their own movie - a bit like Avatar and definitely the best Predator movie since, well, the last proper one (I actually love Predator 2). This time there's a twist. The Predators, rather than stalking around Earth's jungles or cities, kidnap themselves some humans and dump them on a jungle gaming reserve. See, just like Avatar. Only with an infinitely better plot, better acting, no 3D and actual thrills and entertainment. I hated Avatar but I love Predators.

As part of his rebirth as Mr. Action McSci-Fi, Adrien Brody plays it tough as leader of the humans. Obviously he wouldn't stand a chance against Arnie, but he could very likely kick Danny Glover's ass (insert "too old for this shit" joke here) and whoever was in those Alien Vs Predator shitlumps. Other tough guys include Danny Fucking Trejo (who looks like he could take not only Arnie, but Brody and a planet full of Predators too) that creepy guy from Justified and, uh, Topher Grace. Laurence Fishburne, by the way, is barely in this movie. I think he filmed his bit on a break from the CSI lab.

Director Nimrod Antal shows remarkable restraint in keeping the Predators offscreen for the movie's first quarter. It's even more so remarkable when one considers how good the aliens look this time around. They're big, menacing ugly motherfuckers that - for perhaps the first time - don't look even slightly goofy. The action is very well handled with a number of big fight scenes and fun skirmishes. Producer Robert Rodriguez's influence is well felt here, although Predators feels a little less disjointed than some of the director's own movies.

While Brody's hardman act occasionally wears a bit thin, Trejo and Fishburne are wasted. The former goes out like a punk, whilst the latter is barely around for twenty minutes. It's a shame and a disappointment. I wanted Danny Trejo going toe-to-toe with a Predator and Larry Fishbone making with his Assault On Precinct 13 awesome self. But we can't have it all, and the rest of the action is perfectly fine. Better than fine. In an age of crappy remakes and missing-the-point sequels, it's nice to see a franchise find its feet again as Predators does here. It could have done with being a bit less in awe of McTiernan's original, but Predators ultimately does that movie justice and stokes a craving for more. I'm a-havin' me some fun tonight.

AVP: Alien vs Predator

Director: Paul WS Anderson (2004)
Starring: Sanaa Latham, Raoul Bova, Lance Henriksen
Find it online: IMDB, Amazon

For some reason, I'll watch Paul Anderson's (no, not that one) Alien vs Predator once a year, surprise myself at how much I enjoy it, sleep/get drunk, then forget and go back to thinking of it as an abortive turd. Of course it is a bit of a turd, but only in the same way as Freddy vs Jason or Alien Resurrection (which I secretly kinda dig). But it's not as stinky a turd as one might have come to expect.

It helps if one lowers their expectations. Upon first viewing, the true Aliens/Predator fans will baulk, as 18-year-old me did at the sight of all the nonsensical underground pyramid goings on and the relatively useless Predators. No Ripley. No gore. No swearing. Teenage Predators. Sigh. It feels more like a videogame adaptation than it does a sequel to either Aliens or Predator. But look beyond that, there's gold to be found in them thar hills. Alien vs Predator is worth a look for Aztec God Predators alone. And a scene in which a lone Predator faces off against a veritable hive of Aliens.

An underground pyramid is discovered in Antartica. Mr. Weyland (the one and only Lance Henriksen) leads a team of scientists, tough guys and a mountaineer (Latham) down to investigate. What they find is an ancient coming-of-age ceremony which pits dribbly Aliens against pubescent Predators. Which is all fine and well, but how did the Predators know that there'd be any humans down in their pyramid to kick start their chain of events? It relies on massive coincidence, and without the humans, our Predator friends could've just been fighting facehuggers and a chained up Queen. Kind of a good thing for them that Weyland happened to be passing and incompetent enough to get his whole team captured. And shit, aren't they both Alien species anyway? Surely the movie shoulda been called Alien vs Different Kind of Alien? Or Two Ugly Motherfuckers?

Plot niggles aside, the movie delivers plenty of Alien vs Predator beatdowns, some surprisingly sympathetic characters and enough nods to the respective franchises to keep longtime fans amused. Sure, the Predators are kind of chumps, and their unmasked faces look a bit plastic. But you can see what's going on, which is more than you can say for Requiem. As AvP bows out, it sets itself up for a sequel. A wholly different kind of movie - simultaneously a lot better and a lot worse than this one here.