10. Do not blog whilst drunk.

Director: Jason Brown (2009)

Starring: None of the stars of Twilight.

Find it: IMDB

This bit of the review I wrote during the first half of the film:

(I was sober)

Mentally deluded people talk about sparkling vampires as if they're real and document the history of a town called Forks. I would make fun of the people in this documentary, but that is making fun of people with learning difficulties, and making fun of people with learning difficulties is not funny. "It could happen." Uh, no it couldn't. People talking about the film as though sparkly vampires and werewolves exist really pissed me off.

Somebody has the temerity to call people who like comic books "geeks" and compare Twilight to Star Wars, Star Trek and Lord Of The Rings, insulting all of fandom and calling most nerds angry. HOW VERY FUCKING DARE Y- oh, right.

But he doesn't seem to realise that Star Wars, Star Trek and Lord Of The Rings are actually good. He then suggests that being a guy and liking Twilight will get you laid. There are a lot of good quotes in Twilight for those who enjoy mocking Twi-hards (or Twi-aholics as one girl refers to herself).

"I'm embarrassing myself right now." Yes you are. "I'm 46 years old and I'm hanging around with a bunch of kids". Make of that what you will. "Who doesn't love a good love story?" Twilight is not a good love story. "Since you've read the book, I've noticed a difference in the way you talk to me." Twilight turned a man into an abusive husband. He bleaches his hair blonde so as to look like Carlisle, because his daughter told him to. I would mock, but I once bleached my hair to look like Spike from Buffy. Well if you're going to make yourself look like a vampire, you might as well do the best one.

A man who is in a band talks about how he thinks Twilight is awesome. Needless to say, that band is not Muse. Even the people who are in Twilight don't think that Twilight is awesome. Everybody in this documentary thinks that Twilight is awesome. It is very biased.

This part of the review I wrote during the second half of the film:

(I had just drunk half a bottle of Grant's whiskey)

Like every good documentary, I did learn some things from Twilight In Forks. I learnt that Forks is a real place. I learnt that Stephenie Meyer and her terrible novel saved the town from bankruptcy. I learnt that Twilight fans are actually quite nice. Nicer than some Star Trek fans or me. In fact, as Twilight In Forks progressed I actually came to feel quite bad for being such a bitch about Twilight in the past. I'm sorry Twilight. I would definitely consider visiting Forks one day.

(But not drunk enough)

That said, I couldn't watch the film all the way through, because Twilight fans give me a headache. It sounds quite tiresome to be a resident of Forks. Especially if you're a Native American Indian, in which case people accuse you of being related to a hunky werewolf.

I wrote this punchline whilst I was still sober:

Forks off.

This score I calculated whilst I was drunk:

This one I calculated when I sobered up:

Vampires Suck. Yes, but you suck even more

Full disclosure: Yes, I watched this. But I didn't pay for it, so it doesn't put any coins in the coffers of the Movie Movie team. Normally I would lie or feel bad for having streamed someone else's hard work online, but no-one worked hard on Vampires Suck. In fact, the hardest piece of work anyone put into Vampires Suck was choosing a title that's not Vampire Movie.

Only seconds in, and it's easily as bad as Twilight. Becca moves to the small town of Sporks (I jest you not, Sporks is the town name I had in mind for my own Twilight spoof. There's little more depressing than the realization that you have the same mindset as a Movie Movie writer). The plot is basically Twilight then New Moon with added penis jokes ("I'M IN A WHEELCHAIR. I FEEL NOTHING BELOW MY WAIST. DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S BELOW MY WAIST?" MY PENIS". And I'm not being sarcastic. Someone actually says that) and something they stole from Little Britain. In fact, Vampires Suck could have actually been Twilight as directed by someone a little less reverent than Catherine Hardwicke. It's replayed scene-for-scene, sometimes with actors who look exactly the same as the original lot. "From the guys who couldn't sit through another vampire movie?" Fuck off, they barely watched one.

And oh for fuck's sake, just to piss you off they even use that song by "Muse" too. Thanks universe, way to conspire to make me hate "Muse". So the plot is exactly the same, lines from Twilight's script are repeated verbatim and even the actors look the same. Some things are done a lot better than Twilight, some the same, and some a whole lot worse. There's actually a lot more action, which breaks up the inanity of the plot, even if said action involves someone being hit in the balls. The actors are ever so slightly less wooden and it's actually not as mysoginistic than as Stephenie Meyer's work. The bad: everything else.

The jokes are exactly what one might expect, plus a few you'd think too obvious or too not funny. Silly cinemagoer, no joke is too not funny for a Movie Movie. Get it, Jacob's a werewolf so he pisses up lampposts and chases cats. The vampires are really emo, so the Cullens are called the Sullens. Hi-larity. The jokes are a bunch of lazy pop culture references (oh look, Lady Gaga), shitty slapstick humour (MAN GET KICKED IN BALLS), faux-smut and assorted other horrible bullshit cribbed from the first Scary Movie and every episode of Family Guy ever.

Even fuller disclosure: I couldn't watch all of Vampires Suck. It's ball-achingly unfunny, brain-achingly stupid and depressingly boring. As much so as Twilight, in fact that I felt like I had just re-watched those shitty movies. With that in mind, it's only fair that we resurrect Johnny Cash and his Twilight-exclusive fuck you/5. Friedberg, Seltzer, Meyer - when will you ever learn? You all fucking suck.

Twilight: The graphic novel

[Moody-arse horror 'critic' probably-unfairly rags on popular culture item Part 3]

Saying that I don't hate Twilight the graphic novel as much as I hate Twilight the book or Twilight the movies is a bit like saying I hate breaking my arm slightly less than I hate breaking my leg. And to wit, I hate breaking my bones in general just as much as I hate the Twilight phenomenon as a whole. Start again, shall I? This paragraph is making no sense.

Twilight: The Graphic Novel will make your brain rot until it forgets how to read, write or distinguish between good and shit. I suppose it's only apt that Meyer's novels be adapted into graphic novels, since it's an entirely visual story. 90% of the book's prose consists of elaborate descriptions of Edward or Jacob (the other 10%: bad plotting and ridiculous things). The words in a Twilight book/movie/comic are as unimportant as the script of a porno. It's all wank-fodder anyway, so why bother?

Volume 1 collects the first Twilight book in picture-and-speech-bubbles form. The art, by Manga illustrator Young Kim isn't actually as bad as one might expect. It even does a better job of portraying the characters' love story than either the novel or the movie. It speaks volumes for her talents that Edward and Mary-Sue are far less annoying here than they've ever been. And you can even sort-of sense a little bit of an emotional undercurrent to things. Poor Pattinson and Stewart, outclassed by a pair of cartoons. It's not quite to my tastes, but I've seen worse artwork in a comic book. Unfortunately, it is still based on Meyer's prose and plot, so there's not a great deal Kim can do to save things. And that story and dialogue is as dull, lifeless and uneventful as ever.

Sparkling still looks stupid when rendered in comic-book form, and the dialogue is still atrocious. Furthermore, it has perhaps the worst speech-bubble placement I've ever seen in a comic book. The bubbles look as if they've been lazily photoshopped on as an afterthought and quite often sit slap-bang in the centre of a character's face. They couldn't even be fucked to draw on the lashes properly. A more literal example of Meyer's dialogue ruining her work.

Twilight: The Graphic Novel is obviously and consistently terrible, but not really in the same league as anything else of the brand. It's merely tolerable, which I suppose is an improvement.