Midnight Meat Train

Director: Ryuhei Kitemura (2008)

Starring: Bradley Cooper, Vinnie Jones, Leslie Bibb

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

Who on Earth would have thought that a fight sequence between Bradley Cooper and Vinnie Jones would make for riveting viewing? For that matter, who would have thought that any horror movie which stars Bradley Cooper or Vinnie Jones would be any way enjoyable? Well, in spite of all odds, Midnight Meat Train is a very good movie. Behind Hellraiser, I'd go as far as to say that it's my favourite Clive Barker movie. It helps, I suppose, that most Clive Barker movies are a little bit crummy.

But then Midnight Meat Train is directed by Rhuhei Kitemura, of Versus fame. He brings all the verve and splattery violence of that movie to this, the most unlikely of projects. It's an incredibly violent, gory movie, full of popped eyeballs, smashed skulls and nipples in jars. What it lacks for in subtlety, it more than makes up for with sheer fun.

A pre-hung over Bradley Cooper plays Leon, a freelance photographer promised a lucrative deal if he can capture the seedy 'heart' of the city. So in a silly move, he takes to the streets at night, photographing muggers, would-be rapists and - eventually - the serial killer Mahogany (Jones). Yes, Mahogany is a stupid name and Vinnie Jones is hardly a guarantor of quality, but Midnight Meat Train is still good. Honest, it is. The title comes from Mahogany's habit of murdering anyone who catches his train at night, hanging them up on butchers' hooks and chopping them to bits. It's realised that the key to making Jones not suck (or at least, suck less) is to not let him talk. So Mahogany doesn't have a tongue in this movie. Which is good. It means he can't say things like "I'm Mahogany, bitch."

Even without calling himself "Mahogany, bitch", it's a little hard to take Jones seriously. I do wish they'd gone with a different actor to play him (in Barker's original Books Of Blood, Mahogany is of a very different build), maybe an unknown or at least not a footballer. Not Vinnie Jones. Cooper is good; a lot better than you might expect from having seen The Hangover or The A-Team alone. I don't for an instant buy him being a match for Vinnie Jones in a fight (and what a fight; it lasts almost ten minutes and puts Freddy vs Jason to shame in the fisticuffs department), but he does well enough, all considered.

What almost derails (GEDDIT) the movie though, is its use of CGI. Midnight Meat Train has the worst use of CGI blood I have ever seen. It comes very close to ruining some of the kill scenes, which is a shame. But Kitemura brings so much skill to the direction that you'll forgive moments like these. There's even a cameo from Ted Raimi, which is just glorious.

Midnight Meat Train, then, is one train you definitely need to catch.

Dread

Director: Anthony DiBlasi (2009)

Starring: Jackson Rathbone, Hanne Steen, Laura Donnelly

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon

Another short story from his Books Of Blood, Dread is torture guff done Clive Barker style. It's one of his more realistic tales (no demons or ghosties or pinheads then) but no less horrible than the likes of Hellraiser. Barker's style is quite inimitable, rarely failing to disturb when at its best. Dread in its original form isn't really vintage Barker unfortunately - despite a cool premise and menacing character, the ending is a bit daft. But this movie adaptation loses some of the silly bits and makes with a lot more torture. The difference between this and, say, Craptivity, is the emphasis on psychological horror and plenty ruminations on the nature of fear.

It's a deeply unpleasant movie, thoroughly earning its title and oozing the titular dread throughout its runtime. University chap Stephen (Rathbone) runs into fellow student Quaid (Evans) during a chance meeting. Together, the pair decide to conduct research on the nature of fear. Only Quaid's a bit wacko and things soon get out of hand. Lots of horrible things happen, none of them pleasant but all pretty compelling. The basic premise sees Quaid try to bully vegetarian Cheryl (Steen) into eating a steak, but it's so much more horrid than that. The ending is tweaked too, becoming something a little more fitting than the original story's conclusion, but also a fair bit nastier too. In this age of Saws and I Knows Who Killeds Mes, there needs to be more gore and more kills than Barker had, so there is and there are. And by the way, talking of Dread:

It stars Jasper from Twilight, which I didn't know until just now. This must be why Dread had such an effect on me. This is literally the longest I've gone watching a Twilight star without vomiting. And there was me thinking it was because of the horrible story and things that Quaid does. But in all seriousness, Rathbone aquits himself well here, with his serious actorly beard and sideburns. It's well-acted all around, even if Quaid isn't quite as creepy as I'd have imagined him to be from the story.

Minor quibbles, though. Dread is pretty good, despite all of the torture and its over seriousness. The over abundance of such things in recent years has diluted the story, the concept and the movie of its originality, but it's still better than 90% of the similarly themed yet utterly inferior dross out there.

Book Of Blood

Director: John Harrison (2009)

Starring: Sophie Ward, Jonas Armstrong, Simon Bamford

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon

I've read Clive Barker's Books Of Blood (most of them) and I don't recall Robin Hood being in any of the stories. While you might think that Barker's collection of short stories might make for a fine portmanteau, there's only one story at play here: and that's the one that served as kicking off point in Barker's original. Nevertheless, I read the word 'erotic' on the back of the DVD case and that's the only incentive I needed. True fact: I will buy or rent any movie with the word 'erotic' in the title or on the back of the cover. This has led to me watching a lot of shit over the years. Terrible admission time: this has also led to me owning a copy of Bound. Ahem. Book Of Blood isn't all that erotic, although there is sex and Jonas Armstrong getting naked.

A paranormal expert (Ward) discovers a house that is supposedly at an intersection of "highways" transporting spirits into the afterlife. Instead of calling Derek Acorah like any sane person would, she instead enlists the help out of a slightly psychic student lad (Armstrong) and a sleazy sceptic cameraman. Despite feeling like a Paranormal Activity spinoff, Book Of Blood has enough going on to disguise its occasional faults.

Jonas had been taking fashion advice from Jim Carrey again

Because alas, like most short stories converted to feature length, it feels less like a movie than a prequel to something more important. Maybe if one was to follow this with a viewing of Dread and Midnight Meat Train it might be a little more effective. And alas, I'm too familiar with Jonas Armstrong from off'a British TV to be convinced by his performance.

Clive Barker's influence is the movie's saving grace, transforming a lesser piece into something marginally creepier than it should have been. The concept itself is a great one - infused with bits of everything that makes Barker so readable - and there are a few moments that send genuine chills down the spine, but Book Of Blood ultimately feels like a billion other STD haunted house stories. It should have been shorter and sleazier and had a little more Bark (ho ho ho), although when taken on its own terms, this is a perfectly serviceable bit of spook horror.