9 Days: Whipped, Chained and Tortured by a Psychopath

Director: Samuel M. Johnson (2011)

Starring: Chris Schleicher, Maura Murphy, Simone Frajnd 

Find it: IMDB

Occasionally, being a horror fan who enjoys (probably not the right word) watching movies from the more extreme end of the spectrum, you have to balance your sucky taste in scary movies with family life. You don't want everyone thinking you're a psychopath, for example, because that sort of perception tends to prevent one from having friends, a job, girlfriend, or not being in prison. Generally I do a good job of not being seen as a complete psychopath. I keep my collection of ball gags somewhere they can't be found by snooping family members, always clear my Internet history and try to avoid saying things like "I really know where that Dexter fellow is coming from" in front of an audience. And then something like 9 Days comes along.

Bearing in mind that my Dad thinks I watch Snuff movies, the last thing I needed was Chemical Burn Entertainment coming along with their terrifying envelopes. "There's an envelope on the stairs," said my mother, as I arrived home from the day job last week (yes, I live with the folks at the moment - like a less well-dressed Howard Wolowitz). "And what's 9 Days?" I had no idea what 9 Days was. A white airmail envelope, as advertised, sat on the stairs. On it, a black sticker. On that black sticker was printed the words '9 DAYS: WHIPPED, CHAINED AND TORTURED BY A PSYCHOPATH.' With my name stickered next to it, thank you very much. Even dodgy fetish sites (so I'm told) have the good grace to send their kinky tickle videos (other fetishes are available) in unmarked envelopes (apparently) or even with a little fake company name printed on it (I'd imagine). Ahem, yeah, I think I got away with that one. Anyway, yeah, 9 DAYS: WHIPPED, CHAINED AND TORTURED BY A PSYCHOPATH does my "totally not a weirdo" protestations no favours. And never mind my parents, now the Postman carries protection (not a condom) whenever he comes to my door. Thanks a lot, Chemical Burn. And I don't think any of them believed me when I said, "no, right, it's actually an adaptation of Dante's Inferno!" 

Actual image from the movie.

Really, it is. On the run from her abusive foster father, Danielle (Murphy) hitches a ride with nerdy Virgil (Schleicher) who offers her a room for the night. Having apparently missed every single after school special about not getting into cars with strangers and definitely not going home with them, Danielle agrees. And yet she seems surprised when this edgy, bug-eyed creep breaks out the chloroform and locks her in his cellar. Virgil's plan: to 'cleanse' Danielle of her sins through the medium of torture (the least popular bath bomb in Lush) and his own verbal diarrhoea. It's like Martyrs crossed with Captivity, as made by someone who played Dante's Inferno once.   

A predictable, grimy torture movie, 9 Days is amateurish on most levels. The acting is particularly suspect, although Murphy garners some goodwill simply by not being co-star Schleicher (who actually is playing Howard Wolowitz). The torture scenes are unpleasant but not particularly memorable, the story old and overplayed. Kudos though, for the lack of rape. I had envisioned 9 Days being a veritable rape fest, so I was glad to be proven wrong there. It's no Divine Comedy, but it is amusing in places too.

Actual image from the movie.

As low-budget torture movies go, 9 Days isn't entirely without merit. It's cheap, amateurish and stupid, but it's also strangely watchable. Call off the Criminal Minds team Mother, 9 Days is not the film you expected it to be.  

Fetish Dolls Die Laughing

Director: David Silvio (2011)

Starring: Laura Romeo, Michael McGovern, Aaron Bernard

Find it: Official site

When they ask me, "old man, what did you do with your life?" I shall reply, "well children, I stayed up until 2:00 in the morning, waiting for Windows Media Player to buffer so I could watch a movie about a serial killer who murders women by tickling their feet until they die." "Do you regret it all?" they'll ask me. To which I shall respond: "no, not a fucking thing." Fetish Dolls Die Laughing is a supreme waste of time. But, like the act of tickling itself, that pointlessness has an odd, innocent charm. In the days of Human Centipedes and Donkey Punching, it's only fair that the humble tickle fetish should have its moment to shine.

Of all the things I have accidentally (shut up) become an aficionado of after discovering the Internet all-those-years-ago, tickle videos must rank amongst the strangest. If you had told ten-year-old Joel H that there would one day be a place where he could see a woman strapped to a table as a man tickles her feet to no real purpose, his mind would have been blown. Even more so if you'd told him about that one video I saw where the tickler does it whilst dressed as Batman. Truly, you can find anything online.

Spoiler: she gets tickled

Detective Greer English (Romeo) is a maverick cop investigating a series of brutal murders. We're shown how she has a penchant for always putting herself in danger in order to solve crimes. This reasoning will put her on a path to the 'Tickle Monster's' table. The Tickle Monster. Really. No longer is the Boogeyman the stupidest-sounding horror movie monster. Like Jason in Jason Goes To Hell, the Tickle Monster is a malevolent force that possesses bodies and forces its victim to go around tickling women to death. The current embodiment of the Tickle Monster is Billy, a chubby foot fetishist who makes crappy bondage videos with his wife. After he tickles his wife to death, Billy/the Tickle Monster embark on a killing spree that brings them to Detective English's attention. Although she could have found him by just looking in the phonebook. Weird horror movie crimes are always committed by people called Billy.

He was not to be interrupted whilst watching Jackie Brown.

Really, the film is just a series of connected fetish videos. There is a lot of tickling in Fetish Dolls Die Laughing - and I'm not even sure how it works. Mostly, Billy just tickles someone for awhile until blood starts spurting out of their mouth and they die. There's suspension of disbelief, and then there's being asked to believe that tickling can rupture your organs and kill you to death. Ditto, a brilliant bit of logic straight out of a fetish video: that having your feet continuously tickled whilst tied up will cause incurable insanity. That's actually quite similar to The Joker's plan in The Killing Joke.

I hope you like this. Because there's 100 minutes worth of it here.

One's tolerance for Fetish Dolls Die Laughing will depend entirely on how much you enjoy watching people being tickled. It's unabashedly a fetish movie, albeit one with a more intricate plot than most. In its gratuitous pandering to a foot-loving audience, it's a shame that it couldn't offer a little more for non-fans. And at 100 minutes, it's a little too long for what it is. At least two tickle scenes could have been lost, as could a lengthy sub-plot with a second serial killer. But it's amusing, (not to the extent where you'll die laughing though, yo ho ho) imaginative, grotesque and tongue-in-cheek enough that its flaws become forgiveable. Ultimately, it's a film about a man tickling womens' feet until it kills them. You're either on board for that sort of thing or you're not. Variety, as they say, is the spice of life. And vanilla is my least favourite spice.

The Gruesome Death Of Tommy Pistol

Director: Aramis Sartorio (2010)

Starring: Tommy Pistol, Daisy Sparks, Camilla Lim, Jon Lee Brody

Find it: IMDB, Facebook

Singlehandedly the most sickening thing I've watched since The Taint. As a man does unspeakable things with a cheese grater and another eats a pie made of chicken feet and drugs, I did a little bit of sick in my mouth. The Gruesome Death Of Tommy Pistol, although it takes a little longer to get going, is every bit as sick and degenerate as The Taint (my favourite Indie film of last year, by the way) and maybe even a little more so in places.

Tommy Pistol consists of a number of viginettes, each more disgusting than the last, framed around a man having masturbatory fantasies whilst a hot dog burns in the microwave. The first viginette plays like Forrest Gump meets 9mm meets A Serbian Film sort of thing, all ball gags and kitchen equipment. Because I have a weak stomach, it's my favourite segment. Less gloop than everywhere else in the film. The second bit features a truly bizarre celebrity cameo, the best Terminator 2 skit I have ever seen and the protagonist dressing up in another man's skin, all Leatherface style. Part three is utterly revolting body horror and pornography in the very worst best uniquest way.

Much like The Taint, this isn't going to be everyone's cup of tea (especially if you don't like your tea with extra sewage) but is quite brilliant if you can look past the technical shortcomings and fart jokes. It's Herschell Gordon Lewis crossed with John Waters crossed with Two Girls One Cup. Most of all though, it has heart, it's delightfully over the top and doesn't take itself too seriously. I laughed at most of the jokes. It's great fun and I'd recommend it to all fans of budget horror. But beware, you may never be able to look at a cheese grater in quite the same way again.

The Caller

Director: Matthew Parkhill (2011)

Starring: Rachelle Lefevre, Stephen Moyer, Luis Guzman, Lorna Raver

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

A psycho-stalker thriller with a twist this, in that The Caller has its persecuted protagonist stalked via the telephone, courtesy of a woman living in the past. It's like that Dennis Quaid movie if Dennis Quaid had gone around threatening to make people not exist. But like every hottie worth her salt, Mary (Lefevre) has a number of people staking out her flat. There's an abusive ex-husband and a burgeoning romance with hunky Stephen Moyer from off'a True Blood. I suppose he beats the usual class of vampire she's been known to hang about with, although I didn't realise how short Stephen Moyer was until now. Also, Luis Guzman does his nice-but-dim routine as a genial gardener.

Moving into her new apartment building after a messy breakup, Mary is perturbed when her landline refuses to stop ringing. She's even more confused when the person at the other end of the line claims to be Rose, literally living in the past. Initially, Mary plays along. But when she tries to break off contact with clingy Rose, things get a bit sinister. See, this is why I never answer my landline. It only ever seems to be cold-callers or a whingeing grandparent. Rose is the ultimate nuisance call. Even her voice is a pain in the ass.

The concept is very well done here, especially the scenes in which Mary is physically attacked by Rose, despite not even living in the same century as her antagonist. There's a real sense of threat to the later scenes, and a disturbing moment or two buried beneath all the melodrama. It's a fun movie, well-acted by all involved and directed in a cracking manner by Matthew Parkhill. It's quick paced with a good line in tension, thrills and spills. This Caller is one I'm very glad I picked up.

The Matrimony

Director: Hua-Tao Eng (2007)

Starring: Bingbing Fan, Leon Lai, Rene Liu

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

A stylish but nontheless silly ghost story, The Matrimony sees a woman team up with the ghost of her husband's one-time girlfriend in the hope of cheering the poor bloke up. Why they'd do such a thing is unclear. He married a different woman less than a year after losing his missus. Clearly he is a bit of a dick and neither woman should want anything to do with him.

But both women love him, despite Junchu's flaws and creepy attic full of his Dead Girlfriend's crap. Dead Girlfriend and Miserable Wife join forces, with Dead Girlfriend temporarily possessing Miserable Wife to show Junchu that Miserable Wife can be cool too. Obviously no good can come of this.

Set in 1930s China, The Matrimony is very pretty. I don't usually notice such things, but the dresses in this movie are very nice, as is the opening bicycle sequence and a snowy boat ride. It's all a bit fairytale, which is a good look for a film like The Matrimony to have. The romantic scenes are quite charming and cute. The ghost stuff, meanwhile, is spooky but not remotely scary. There's the most unintentionally funny car crash I've ever seen and then a bit where Miserable Wife vomits in her Mother In Law's face.

A supernatural remake (in all but name) of Hitchcock's Rebecca, it'll win no prizes for originality. The story is good but never gripping. Both actresses do their respective jobs well (with Miserable Wife doing an exceptionally good line in looking scared) and Jinchu is sympathetic despite acting like a dickhead all the time.

A leftover from 2007, The Matrimony has only just found itself a Tartan Asia Extreme release. Ignore the rubbish packaging, which suggests something Saw, and instead check it out if you're after something safe, sweet and surprisingly likeable.

Advertorial: Things I like about the Saw Franchise

(Spoiler: silly racist car death is not one of those things)

Saw: The Final Chapter is out on DVD next month. As I re-watched the movie in preparation, I realised that The Review Hole has been quite critical of the franchise over the years. To celebrate its (supposed) end, I proudly present a list for your consideration: Things I Hate Least Don't Hate Like About The Saw Franchise. Some spoilers abounds.

10. The First Three Movies. Otherwise known as the only good Saw movies. The first movie is very good (if Se7en-lite) and the sequel, I actually slightly prefer sometimes. The third stinks a bit, but it feels like a proper arc for the characters involved. If only they'd stopped there.

9. Monica Potter. I like Monica Potter. I liked her in Con Air. I liked her in that silly Morgan Freeman movie. I even liked her relegated to Damsel-In-Distress in Saw. Never mind Doctor Gordon and his plastic foot. Bring back Monica Potter.

8. Hoffman's killing spree. It says a lot for my feelings about Saw's torture guff overreliance that my favourite bit of The Final Chapter was when the torture stopped and crazy Hoffman went slasher movie mode. The final act in the police station is ridiculous but eminently watchable. Black leather gloves? How very Giallo. The most interesting thing Hoffman ever did.

7. The videogame. Haven't played the sequel yet, but Saw: The Videogame wasn't half as bad as I'd expected it to be. You play as Detective Tapp, trapped in an old lunatic asylum and forced to play Jigsaw's games. It's repetetive, overlong and occasionally monotonous, but worth a single playthrough at least.

6. Hoffman's Arrowmobile. That this ended up as nothing more than a dream sequence was one of The Final Chapter's biggest disappointments.

5. The Needle Pit. Actually one of the few traps to make me cringe. Sometimes the low-key traps work a lot better than the overblown stuff (The Final Chapter's Thunderbird incinerator? Really?)

4. Donnie Wahlberg. Yes, and I'm not joking either. Donnie Wahlberg's detective in Saw II is one of my favourite characters in the franchise. That he died in part IV caused great consternation in the Joel H house. Even if his death was one of the best moments in the franchise's history:

3. Ice Block Head Smash. Donnie Wahlberg gets his head smushed inbetween two massive blocks of ice. Enough said. Except for maybe 'ha ha'.

2. Pighead. Because I'm a sucker for slasher icons and people wearing pig head masks. And because the battle between yourself and Pighead in The Videogame is fairly awesome.

1. Danny Glover. I'll be honest. The other 9 bullet points in this list could have been Danny Glover, since I do heart me some Danny Glover. Even in those Orange cinema adverts and especially in Predator 2. Plus, he reportedly thinks Saw is stupid too.

Not too old for this shit? Read the Saw retrospective.

Saturday Morning Comix: Mirror Mirror & Locked Out

Two digital comics from the independent publishers at DarkBrain today. The comics over at DarkBrain are designed for a mature audience, so I'd advise discretion when downloading the links. The Beano this ain't. In fact, I haven't seen this much shagging and nudity in a comic book since I flicked through that paperback of Lost Girls in Borders that one time.

Locked Out: Eye Opener is a 35-page one shot which tells the story of Emily. One day, poor Emily finds she's lost complete contol of her own body and all of its functions. Controlled by what seems to be an alien force (Lovecraftian tentacles FTW), she's forced into a series of steamy and quite explicit encounters. Locked Out reads like Species on (more) heat, 2000AD's Future Shocks on viagra, or HP Lovecraft in a spectacularly horny mood.

It's a fun enough concept, even if it does read like a thin excuse to show lots of sex, boobs and penis. But that's okay: I like sex, boobs and penis. The art, whilst not to my taste, does a good enough job with the sexytimes and occasional bursts of violence and gore. It features the most disturbing depiction of a flaccid penis I've ever seen and plenty of squirmsome tentacle-to-eyeball trauma. This Cronenberg-esque use of body horror works well, and is perhaps Locked Out's strongest point.

As an introduction to DarkBrain comics, Locked Out certainly is a bit of an Eye Opener. On this evidence, I'd be very interested in seeing what else they have to offer. Talking of which:

Mirror Mirror is a five issue arc and, in contrast, seems a little more considered and plot-orientated. It's a story of demonic curses and dominatrixes. I like demonic curses and I like dominatrixes, so I found Mirror Mirror an engaging read. Bitch boss Brenna lives a double-life in more than one way. By day, she works at an office making her employees' life hell. By night, she plays dominatrix and enjoys a little literal ball-busting and making men cry. She's also cursed by her demonic one-time sister Mirriam (you see what they did there) to lose everything and everyone she loves. It's a lengthy story full of blackmail, betrayal and boobies.

Brenna, by the way, is modelled on adult star Tabitha Stevens. Stevens provides the comic's foreword, and even voices the character for the online version at the website.

The artwork is well suited to the story, delivering us page upon page of gorgeous women, hunky men, pert breasts and girthsome lovelengths. Still, it's not going to be for everyone, and I would stress the comic's 'mature readers' label. As with Locked Out, Miriam is promised further adventures. I'd certainly be interested in seeing where DarkBrain's Dark Brain can take her story next. If you like your comic book horror with a bit of added steam, I'd thoroughly recommend you check out DarkBrain. Just, um, not while you're at work.

Locked Out: Eye Opener -

Mirror Mirror: Forgiveness -

Pat The Zombie

Creators: Aaron Ximm, Kaveh Soofi

Find it: Official site, Amazon

If you thought that Pride And Prejudice And Zombies was the height of the zombie mashup spoof, think again. Pat The Zombie is quite possibly one of the more awesome things I've ever been sent and, crucially, is a lot more fun than Pride And Prejudice And Zombies.

Pat The Zombie is a touch-and-feel style book, the kind you might have read as a child. Only with zombies. Zombies would have vastly improved my childhood. Now it says on the cover that Pat The Zombie is an adult spoof, but I'd definitely let my spawn read it. After all, their future survival might depend on it. It's every bit as informative as The Zombie Survival Guide.

Just like all of those crappy books you giggled over as a brat, Pat The Zombie is made up of of sections to titillate the senses; stroke the (zombie) rabbit's fur; scratch & sniff through the (zombie) remains*; look in a mirror for infection; poke your finger through a hole in (zombie) mummy's skull. All this is accompanied by some delightfully gory artwork that spoofs the original piece wonderfully.

Pat The Zombie had me laughing like a fetish model in a czech tickle video all of the way through. It even comes in a neat little display box. A perfect gift for the morbid child or immature horror fan in your house.

* The scratch & sniff bit is actually horrible. Inhale at your own peril.

The Taint

Director: Drew Bolduc & Dan Nelson (2010)

Starring: Drew Bolduc, Ariel Canton, Cody Crenshaw

Find it: Official website, IMDB

Comes loaded with a perfectly apt moniker. I certainly feel tainted by this movie. The Taint is like The Crazies, only filtered through the likes of South Park, John Waters and elements of Peter Jackson's Braindead. It's one of the most gleefully obscene things I've ever seen. The Taint is a movie which you couldn't even begin to synopsisis-se for your mother without getting an earful. If you thought The Human Centipede was bad (bless you) well, you've never seen a man on a skateboard, draped in an American flag, shooting at bulging boners with a .44 Magnum. It's a bizarre movie, relishing its low budget rather than being constrained by it. It reminds me of the cult TV show Darkplace. Only a lot more disgusting.

The titular Taint is the result of medical experimentation gone terribly wrong. In an attempt to produce a manhood enhancing drug, scientists accidentally unleash a sort of horny zombie apocalypse upon the world; one which turns the infected into raging 'misogynists' - "monsters who want nothing more than to crush women's heads with rocks". Do you like penis and jizz? I hope so, because you'll be seeing a lot of both in The Taint. Awesomely haired Phil O' Ginny (Bolduc) is one of the few uninfected. Whilst fleeing the misogynist hordes, he happens across a fellow survivor, with whom he forms a tentative alliance. Can he stay uninfected, survive and maybe even discover the cause of the infection? Maybe, but I shouldn't worry. It's all just an excuse for unbelievable amounts of violence, gore, swearing and spraying jizz.

To be sure, The Taint isn't everyone's cup of tea. Those with a low tolerance for gross-out humour and bodily functions would be well advised to keep clear. Likewise, those who like their flicks with Hollywood gloss won't get on with the Troma-esque gonzo splatter and intentional trashiness. But that's fine - I've seen enough over-serious STD bores to last a lifetime. I'll take mine with a sense of humour, lots of cock and a streak of horrid inventiveness any day, thank you. Consider me proudly and forever Tainted.

Saw: The Final Chapter

Director: Kevin Greutert (2010)
Starring: Tobin Bell, Costas Mandaylor, Betsy Russell
Find it online: IMDB

Like that one time I drank a whole bottle of Bailey's in one sitting, the Saw franchise leaves feelings of self-loathing, nausea and disgust. All this after a brief feeling of enjoyment and surprise at how good it feels at the time. And, to labour the not-very-good point even more, both alcoholism/gluttony and the watching of Saw movies are disgraceful behaviours and shouldn't be in any way encouraged. There's another crappy point too: both times, I swore 'never again'. And yet I will again, repeatedly, until either my liver or my brain gives in.

Simply by virtue of its extra dimension, Saw 3D will do your brain in faster than any of its predecessors. All the guts and gore and bodily fluids flung at the screen will titillate every bit as much as they instigate migranes. Although you might as well see Jackass 3D if that's your bag. At least the plot and acting will be better. Minor bitching aside, the 3D lends a certain gusto to some otherwise uninspired traps. The devices here are either too simplistic (a noose? Tooth pulling? Really?) repetitions of earlier glories (those fuckbloody reverse bear traps again) or ridiculously over the top. The final thing sort of resembles a cross between Optimus Prime and Thunderbird 2 and is funnier than it is scary. Saw 3D takes Avatar as inspiration in using its extra dimension: make everything look real pretty and no-one will notice how much it kind of sucks.

Saw 3D picks up exactly where part VI left off. Hoffman (Mandaylor) is pursuing Jigsaw's ex-wife (Russell); apparently the only one who knows his secret. She manages to escape and hands herself in to the cops. Hoffman is infuriated and goes trap-crazy, setting a bunch more silly contraptions into motion. First to die are some kids bickering over a petty love triangle. Judging by this motley trio, Hoffman's begun selecting his victims via facebook and twitter updates. It's all done in public though, which is kinda interesting and what tricked me into seeing the film in the first place. This is very quickly dropped though, and never mentioned again. Likewise, Hoffman's silly little Arrowmobile, so prominent in the trailer, is relegated to a brief dream sequence. Now it's back to business as usual. Namely, torture and Costas Mandaylor doing his Steven Seagal body-double shtick.

Meanwhile, someone is cashing in on Jigsaw's legacy. Self-help guru Bobby (Flanery) claims to be one of the few Jigsaw survivors, despite having never crossed paths with John or any of his disciples. Before you can say 'book deal', Bobby has been kidnapped and ends up trapped in one of Hoffman's dingy torture basements. If you've seen Saw III - VI, there's no surprises here. I even predicted the twist long before I'd entered the cinema. Whilst Bobby runs around a basement failing to save people, Hoffman does his best Terminator impression and cuts swathes through the police force.

I don't believe for an instant that this is 'game over'. The door is left wide open for more sequels. There's no sense of deconstruction or climax or finality to anything. True, there's more of an effort towards companionship to the original movie. Cary Elwes makes a glorified cameo, Jigsaw has yet more whingeing to do and another message to impart. It's just hard to care anymore. Not even the sight of fat Cary Elwes doing a bad Christian Bale/Dr. House impression can aleviate our overfamiliarity with the franchise. Still, it's got more going for it than parts V and VI, and is innocously sort of engaging until you bother to stop and think about it. It's thoroughly mediocre, which at this point in the fumbling franchise, is a definite improvement.

The Final Chapter plays better on DVD, shorn of its 3D gimmick and expectations. Embrace the shlock and ignore the bad, and there's fun to be had. And finally, now it's all over, you can rest easy and buy the complete box set without having to worry about there being another one to mess up your collection. Well, at least maybe not for awhile.

An exclusive Review Hole exclusive: Psychosis

Director: Reg Traviss (2010)
Starring: Charisma Carpenter, Paul Sculfor, Ricci Harnett, Justin Hawkins
Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK (preorder)

If there were a prize for most inventive use of Justin Hawkins in a movie, then Psychosis would win hands down. It would also probably win a trophy for the coveted 'most likely to be shit but actually quite decent' prize. From its trailer and description, Psychosis looks like just another cheap and dull ghost story starring a has-been actress. Psychosis is a little cheap, but not actually dull. And Charisma Carpenter aquits herself surprisingly well. It's a better movie than many a fellow Buffy alumni has managed to date (I'm looking at you Sarah Michelle Gellar, and those shitty Grudges).

Suan (Carpenter) is a successful but slightly nutty crime author who moves to the English countryside with husband David (Sculfor). In her 12-bedroom mansion, she soon begins experiencing visions; a hooded youth playing football, things that go bump in the night, visions of murder and suchlike. Oh, and Justin Hawkins is painting her window frames (not a metaphor). Meanwhile, David is up to some decidedly dodgy stuff and the groundskeeper (Harnett) is a probable rapist and all-around crazy person. Soon, old mental problems begin to resurface and Susan must decide whether she's going cuckoo or experiencing something decidedly more supernatural. Little bit from column (a), little bit from column (b).

I know, it sounds like it should star Gellar or Kristen Stewart and be festering in this Review Hole's own Turd Corner. But I liked it. Psychosis has a few good gore scenes, some boobies, shaggings, a penis and enough of a central story to keep its viewers at least midly interested. It's too slick and too mainstream to be as creepy or properly sleazy as it'd like, but has its moments - most of which involve groundskeeper Peck, the groundskeeper's Pecker and Justin Hawkins. Thankfully not all in the same scene. I'm still not sure why or how Justin Hawkins managed to be in this movie, but I'm glad he is.

The action kinda peters out where it should be really amping up a notch, but the whole thing is saved by a twist that's the direct opposite of what one might expect. It's a minor piece, but go in with low expectations and you might just have a blast. Psychosis is a slick, interesting little Spooky Brew that's about 50% better than it sounds on paper.

A Review Hole exclusive: Mega Piranha

Director: Eric Forsberg (2010)
Starring: Paul Logan, Tiffany, Barry Williams, David Labiosa
Find it online: IMDB, The Asylum

"It wasn't an explosion. It wasn't terrorism. It was Piranha." And what Piranha. The featured nasties get bigger and bigger until a climactic glut of particularly ridiculous scenes in which you see them leaping out of rivers, suicide-bombing buildings and noshing on helicopters. "This is FUBAR." Indeed.

Look, cinema snobs, it's called Mega Piranha and it was made by The Asylum. You know what to expect. Shakespeare verily this is not. In terms of technical quality, it's probably only a couple of steps above Uwe Boll. Every movement is accompanied by a whip-pan and a real loud whooshing sound. Once scene sees a scientist sit down at his computer to the sound of a whoosh and a zoom. It's like a mad cross between Michael Bay, 24 and that Piranha sequel with the flying fish. It's a movie inept on all but one level; and that level is the Eleventh Floor on Irony Towers. Look, it's called Mega Piranha. What were you expecting? Look again, their last movie was Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. To expect anything but (very) mindless fun would be foolish. When all's said and done, I find it hard to bear any ill will towards a movie in which a character recharges a phone battery by sucking on it. You learn something new everyday.

Agent Fitch (Logan) is in Venezuela, investigating the death of an American diplomat. An explosion? Terrorism? An animal attack? Very much the latter. It's all the fault of American scientists, led by 80's pop sensation Tiffany. Her character has a name and stuff, but to most everyone, she's just Tiffany. I'd complain about her questionable acting skills, but heck, I'm just happy to see her. Talking of which:

Yes. She sings over the end credits too, which is nice. Here's hoping we get a duet between herself and Debbie Gibson in the upcoming Mega Python vs Gateroid (no, I haven't a clue what a 'Gateroid' is either. But it sounds painful). Anyway, Tiffany and some disposable scientists join Fitch in trying to stop the Piranhas before they get any bigger. The movie can't seem to decide just how big the Megapiranha are, but they's big enough to impale themselves on lighthouses and chew up whole submarines. And also, rip off that one scene from Deep Blue Sea. Twice.

The acting is naff. The script is 50% cliche, 40% hyperbole and 10% bizarre. The CGI is terrible. But purposefully so, and it's all loveably done. They don't make nearly enough movies like this nowadays, so I'd say that Mega Piranha deserves all the viewership it can get. Heck, at the very least it'll tide us over nicely until Alexandre Aja's Piranha 3D comes out.

(As ever with such things, at least one of my Scream Queens is screaming ironically).

Thicker than Water: the vampire diaries

Director: Phil Messerer (2008)

Starring: Eilis Cahill, Devon Bailey, Jojo Hristova, Michael Strelow

Find it online: IMDB, Official website, Amazon US

Another vampire film, but thankfully free of sparkling vampires. Any modern vampire film in which the vampires don’t sparkle or fall in love is fine by me. Thicker Than Water: The Vampire Diaries (Part 1) does not feature sparkling vampires and nobody falls in love. That automatically earns it a Scream Queen in my book. Or on my blog, as it were.

Anyway, Thicker Than Water is described by writer/director Phil Messerer as a heady mix of The Evil Dead and, um The Royal Tenenbaums. With its low budget and its vampires, one would think that Thicker Than Water should really be shit. I feel quite bad in that I did expect not to enjoy this film. But no, the film really is quite good, which is a nice change.

Thicker Than Water tells the story of the Baxter family, a set of ordinary suburban folks whose world is turned upside down when one of their daughters is turned into a vampire. The film is narrated by Lara (Cahill), a precocious young Goth. After her more popular sister, Helen (Bailey) humiliates Lara on their 16th birthday, the bitter Goth lays an Anne Rice style curse down on Helen’s bimbo ass. This culminates with her sister becoming a daylight-avoiding bloodsucker. The family close ranks to protect their infected brethren, hiding her away and feeding her on random passers-by.

In terms of plot, there’s not a terrible amount going on, but there doesn’t really need to be. Thicker Than Water shines with its funny, intelligent script and good performances from its leading players. The direction rises above its low budget in that you can really see the influence of Sam Raimi and even Wes Anderson in there. Fans of vampire fiction will really enjoy this movie, since it respects the usual tropes whilst also bringing something new to the table. It doesn't skimp on the gore either, which is always good.

Thicker Than Water won a bunch of festival awards, and its easy to see why. It copes with its low budget better than most, combining a snappy, witty script with some great gore and an intelligently executed concept. It’s a good job that the ending sets itself up for a sequel, since I’ll eagerly await further entries to the Vampire Diaries.

Absence

Director: Kevin Kolsch, Dennis Widmyer (2006)

Starring: Margaret Laney, Eron Otcasek, Stuart Rudin

Find it online: IMDB

Absence is a story of lost, tortured souls. Mary is a bondage model, earning a living by posing for sleazy shoots. Stepdad Jeremiah is an older fella, gripped with religious fervour and determined to ‘save’ Mary from her life of sinfulness. The seemingly unconnected Harris is a guilt-ridden husband mourning the loss of his unborn child (whilst also fighting demons from his past). When Mary reaches out for Harris’s help during a chance encounter, it seems that he is the only person who can save her from the increasingly dangerous, deranged Jeremiah… If only he could get over that damn Hamlet complex.

Three semi-disconnected vignettes surround Mary’s kidnapping, converging at the end for a violent, emotional climax. Stylistically, it’s a bit like the failed Naomi Watts/Sean Penn vehicle, 28 Grams – except less pretentious and actually good.

A low-budget feature written & directed by Kevin Kölsch & Dennis Widmyer, Absence plays to its strengths. The plot is simplistic but gripping; the violence comes in short, powerful bursts – and the climax is, simply put, excellent, largely avoiding the pitfalls of melodrama. And whilst none of the characters are especially likeable, they’re well-rounded and engaging.

The acting is of a higher quality than you’d expect from a low-budget piece. Playing the bondage model/kidnap victim, Margaret Laney manages to capture a sort of abstract sadness that I rather liked. Eron Otcasek (playing Harris) also gives a great performance; I really dug the way he managed to portray the character’s emotional turmoil without making him seem too self-pitying.

But it’s the villain of the piece that almost steals the show. Playing Jeremiah, Stuart Rudin manages to make the kidnapper an almost sympathetic character; one you feel sorry for, even as he torments our poor heroine (um, taping up a professional bondage model as a punishment?? Fighting fire with fire, I suppose). It’s a testament to the script and acting that these archetypes (damsel in distress/tormented hero/villain) aren't a bore to follow.

As the characters battle each other and their own demons, the plot moves towards an inevitable, tense showdown. There’s a neat little twist, resulting in a climax (and final few shots) that packs a lovely little emotional punch.
There are one or two quibbles, but none of them major (and mostly down to budgetary constraints) – I’d have liked to see a few more twists to the plot, and there’s the occasional fit of cliché. Really, however, Absence is a rare low-budget treat that deserves to be seen.

Talking of which, the flick is actively seeking distribution now. Hopefully there won’t be too long to wait, since Absence really is a little bit good.