The Killjoy Collection

Directors: Craig Ross Jr, Tammi Sutton, John Lechango
Starring: Trent Haaga, Angel Vargas, Victoria De Mare
Find it: Amazon

A funny thing happened as I worked my way through 88 Films' The Killjoy Collection - starting out with curiosity, turning to disappointment and then after filtering through various shades of boredom and resentment, I actually started to like the 99p franchise. I'd even go so far as to say that I was genuinely saddened when I finished the set, having no more left to see. Say, (producer) Charles Band, if you could hurry up with a fifth installment, I'd be highly appreciative.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy The Killjoy Collection, but is that a case of hate-watching or hipster irony at work? Honestly, I hope not. Sure, its first two entries are dire (some worse than others, eh Deliverance From Evil), but even that's preferable to the mass produced homogeneous nonsense (a hipster statement if ever there was one) cluttering cinemas everywhere with their 15 certificates and found footage bullshit. Killjoy, at least, tries. Its fourth entry is more original and interesting than most slasher movies could ever dare to be, slathered with with heaps of what it is that makes Full Moon great. That's the same reason I enjoy Jason Goes to Hell, Freddy's Dead, I Know Who Killed Me and The Wicker Man remake - I'll take an interesting failure over bland 'will this do?' coasting always and forever.

Also, it gives us Punchy the Hobo Clown, which I'll take over any of Pinhead's cenobites, anytime. The box set comes loaded with an appropriate amount of special features; that is to say, barely any. After all, this sort of thing is best in small doses. With two films per disc, it's a sparse release, but one that looks good on your shelf nevertheless. I'll probably never watch any of them again, but I'll be keeping hold of it, just, y'know, in case.

Anyhow, without further ado, the reviews. The Killjoy digest, if you will. Follow the links for the words:

Killjoy - In which I liken Killjoy to Oz and The Wire.
Killjoy 2: Deliverance From Evil - Bleeding clowns.
Killjoy 3 - Killjoy: with production values!
Killjoy Goes to Hell - The courtroom drama one.

Adding up that time I spent watching Killjoy and writing about Killjoy, that's at least ten hours this week I've spent thinking about Killjoy. I... I honestly don't know how to feel about that.

The Frozen Ground

Director: Scott Walker (2013)
Starring: Nicolas Cage, John Cusack, Vanessa Hudgens
Find it: IMDB

Nicolas Cage is almost-retired cop Jack Halcolmbe, working hard to bring serial killer Robert Hansen (Cusack) to justice after the man kidnaps, tortures and murders a number of young women, flying them away in his little aeroplane and burying them far away from prying eyes. When prostitute Cyndy Paulsen (Hudgens!) comes forward with evidence that could get Halcolmbe his search warrant and conviction, the cop must attempt to earn her trust before the killer can strikes again.


A true story about a real-life serial killer and his victims, starring Nicolas Cage as the man responsible for bringing Robert Hansen to justice? Fan as I am of The Cage, this could have gone terribly wrong - after all, serial killer biopics are hardly the place for bizarre screeching, gurning and bad hair. Thankfully, for respectability's sake, that's not what we get with The Frozen Ground. Cage gives his most restrained performance in years, playing Halcombe as grim, stoic but good-hearted. Even the hair isn't too bad. Cusack, meanwhile, fascinates as the monster of the piece, playing a role miles away from his usual comfort zone. This reunion doesn't have quite the same bombast or quotability as their Con Air, but both men are better here than they have been in years.

Cage and Cusack may be the stars, but The Frozen Ground doesn't skimp on its talent elsewhere. Indeed, its cast might be one of the most bizarre I've ever seen in a crime thriller. There's Vanessa Hudgens (actually very good) as traumatised Cyndy, Radha Mitchell (always great) as Halcombe's wife, Hank from Breaking Bad as another cop, Transformers dad Kevin Dunn as a police Lieutenant... and 50 Cent as Cyndy's pimp. Mister Cent is, of course, completely awful, but is only in about two scenes, so doesn't get to distract from much.

By cluing the audience and its hero in on the killer's identity from the start, there's a directness to the story and sense of urgency which remains throughout; well-paced and fraught with tension, even during the characters' downtime. Some Nicolas Cage aficionados may be disappointed in his dialing it back here, but in his doing so, The Frozen Ground becomes one of his best films in recent years.

Maniac

Director: Franck Khalfoun (2012)
Starring: Elijah Wood, Nora Arnezeder, Genevieve Alexandra
Find it: IMDB

He's not sick, but he's not well. Frodo Baggins plays the maniac of the piece, mannequin collector and restorer Frank. Now, Elijah Wood doesn't look like a man that might be called Frank (few people do, Clint Eastwood and Frank Butcher aside) but he does look like a fellow who collects mannequins. I once helped sell some mannequins on eBay (not in a dodgy way, alright) and the men who turned up to collect them were all as dodgy as fuck. One man's eBay feedback is another man's sex offenders register. It's no mean coincidence that the creepiest episode I've ever seen of Criminal Minds involved a man who (sort of) collected mannequins.

Wood, meanwhile, has proven himself more than capable of playing outside of the Baggins box. Following his loony turn in Sin City and surprising chavviness in Green Street, I had him earmarked as a good psycho. With Maniac, he does an excellent job of fulfilling that potential.

Yes, it's a remake, but it's one of the good ones. I saw the original Maniac once, and don't remember anything but Tom Savini and being disappointed by it. With this Alexandre Aja written remake, I was most definitely not disappointed. Like Aja's Hills Have Eyes and Piranha remakes, it blows the original out of the water. It's the done thing to dismiss horror remakes offhand, but I think there are parties out there finally getting the formula right - take that basic template, add plenty of new elements and some new-fangled filmmaking techniques, and you may just be able to retain some credibility.

Maniac does more than most in that the story is told almost entirely from the killer's perspective: literally. We see the film through Frank's eyes, like some sort of (more) grotesque horror Peep Show. It could only have been improved by swapping Wood's internal monologue for David Mitchell's and playing a bit of Flagpole Sitta every now and then. There's even a moment where Frank stops and looks at himself in a shop window television. Tune in for series 9, in which Mark murders Jez and scalps Dobby for dessert. Maybe he is quite sick, after all.

More so than the film upon which it is based, Maniac reminds me a lot of Donald Cammell's White of the Eye. It's psychedelic, highly disturbing and darkly amusing. The kill sequences are very nasty and well realised, Wood's performance cold and scary. He's well supported by Nora Arnezeder, playing the adorably cute apple of his eye. It loses the plot a bit at the end, but is otherwise great. It's one of the best slasher movies I've seen this year.

Some Guy Who Kills People

Director: Jack Perez (2011)
Starring: Kevin Corrigan, Barry Bostwick, Ariel Gade, Lucy Davis
Find it: IMDB

Not nearly enough people, he doesn't. You can't come up with a great title like that and then not have some guy killing a shitload of people. Even worse, you can't have a great title like that and then be a surprisingly touching movie about a father reconnecting with his estranged daughter. Even worse(r) than that, it's like a romantic comedy at times. I haven't been this disappointed since Tyrannosaur. Where's my fuckin' dinosaur, Paddy Considine?

Kevin Corrigan is Ken Boyd, an ice cream salesman who has only recently been released from a mental institution after a traumatic incident in his past. Ken likes to relax by drawing violent cartoons in which people he doesn't like get gruesomely murdered. But then they start showing up, actually dead, as depicted by Ken. At the same time, the daughter he never knew existed shows her face at his ice cream shop, trying to forge a relationship with the father she never knew existed. Begrudgingly, Ken agrees. It's a good job, since Some Guy Who Kills People is much better at the sweet Kevin Smith style comedy than it is the horror or thriller stuff. By the time Lucy Davis (from off've The Office and Shaun of the Dead) shows up, the film is in full-on romantic comedy mode. Davis even seems to be doing a Hugh Grant impression throughout, all affected 'ums' and 'ahs', very English and socially awkward. She's a bizarre presence, although she does wrinkle her nose in a fairly adorable manner.

Talking of adorable: Amy Gade as Ken's daughter is the standout performance. She's a talented kid - funny, sweet and not at all annoying. Corrigan is good as the disturbed, shy Ken, but the supporting cast tend to steal the limelight every time. Karen Black is ace as his mother, while Barry Boswick is very good as her suitor and town sheriff. As a human drama, it's very good. As a horror film, it stinks.  

Some Guy Who Kills people is not the film you might expect it to be. But that's fine, there's plenty of horror films about some guy just killing people and doing nothing else, anyway. There, I could be talking about ninety percent of the slasher subgenre already. Sometimes it's nice to take a break and watch something saccharine and cuddly and nice. Although I would have liked to have been warned.

Missing

Director: Sung-Hong Kim (2009)

Starring: Chu Ja-Hyeon, Mun Seong-Kun, Jeon Se-Hong

Find it: IMDB

Cruel Korean kidnapping with Missing, in which a girl goes on the hunt for her disappeared sister. She lies in the hands of crazy old farmer Pan-kon (Seong-Kun). Hyeon-jeong (Ja-Hyeon) manages to track her sister down to Pan-kon's village. When the kidnapping serial killer takes a shine to Hyeon-jeong it looks like she too is headed for trouble.

It's a more conventional thriller than those spoiled by such Korean gems as Oldboy, The Chaser and the seminal Man From Nowhere might maybe expect. It's based on the true story of a 70-year-old fisherman who killed four women over the course of two months in 2007. That these are apparently the "ingredients of a Friday The 13th" makes elements of Missing seem exploitative and uncomfortable to watch. Also, Missing is in no way like Friday The 13th. It has none of the ingredients of Friday The 13th. I hope they kept the receipt, because their Friday The 13th cookbook sucks.

'True crime' aspect aside, Missing has a very rapey vibe to it. Heavily modelled on such films as Wolf Creek, its heroines are abused and tortured in uncomfortable detail. A birthday cake is shoved up a poor girl's arse and then her teeth are extracted after she bites his knob during a bout of non-consensual oral sex.

This aside, Missing is tense, gripping and taut with a horrible villain, a pair of sympathetic heroines and some interesting side characters. The film makes use of a very nice yellow sticky tape in its choice of gag. There are elements of Hannibal in Pan-kon's feeding victims to farm animals. There are far better kidnap films out there (Missing isn't even the best kidnap film to be called Missing). If you decide to skip this one, you really aren't Missing much.

Blitz

Director: Elliot Lester (2011)

Starring: Jason Statham, Paddy Considine, Aiden Gillen

Find it: IMDB

An insane serial killer is offing cops down in London town. Angry Sergeant Brant (Statham) is dispatched to catch him before he kills again. He's teamed with straight-laced homosexual Porter Nash (Considine). Note his sexuality. It's important, apparently. They talk about it all the time. "You're a good cop" says the Stath to Porter "...for a poofter." Charming. Statham is woefully miscast as Brant, a character completely out of place in his own movie. Elsewhere, Blitz looks and feels like a TV cop procedural. Whenever Jason Statham is around, it feels like a TV cop procedural... with Jason Statham.

Why everybody cares so much about Nash's sexuality is beyond me. I understand that the police force is a very macho environment, but the script has Brant spouting homophobia in such a manner that you'll expect George Takei to turn up at any moment and out him as a douchebag. We get it, Nash is gay. Brant falls asleep at Nash's house and the first thing he does when he wakes up is to check that he wasn't "interfered" with. It's all part of an effort to paint Brant as an archaic dinosaur, but the film isn't portraying this as anything but cool. Brant is an alcoholic, boorish, bullyish, violent thug. And according to Blitz, there's nothing wrong with that at all.

Elsewhere, it's no more a typical Jason Statham movie than The Bank Job. All of the action scenes are plain to see in the trailer. This is a slow-burning serial killer piece with more in common with Dirty Harry than The Transporter. Certainly, Aiden Gillen's villainous 'Blitz' has much in common with Dirty Harry's Scorpio; the rockstar swagger, the smugness and complete lunacy. Even the game he plays is the same, getting himself brutalised by the police so he can turn himself into the victim. Unfortunately, Sergeant Brant is no Harry Callahan and Jason Statham is no Clint Eastwood. The Stath is one of my favourite modern action heroes, but Blitz is simply the wrong showcase for his talents.

Paddy Considine brings his calm, considered brand of Northern charisma to the role of Nash. It's a shame that both the actor and character are wasted here, since he's a likeable presence. Even without his immense Dead Man's Shoes beard, he owns the film. Overshadowed by a lost Mitchell brother, he becomes as underused as David Morrissey's journalist. I'd have much rather seen a film in which Considine and Morrissey team up to take Blitz down themselves; they couldn't do any worse than Brant, who patently shouldn't be allowed on any police force. Blitz does not do the London police any favours.

Blitz is a disappointing waste of talent and good ideas. There's much to enjoy. Considine, Morrissey and Gillen transcend Statham's macho rubbish often enough for it to remain vaguely classy, and there's an appearance from the greatest shell-suit ever stitched. Then a man gets drowned in a toilet.

Blitz could and should have been a lot better, but is still worth screening.

Mannhunter

This review is in association with THE LAMB's director's chair.

Director: Michael Mann (1986)

Starring: William Petersen, Tom Noonan, Joan Allen, Brian Cox

Find it: IMDB

Gil Grissom's pre-CSI days pit him head-to-head against William Blake quoting pantyhose-faced serial killer The Tooth Fairy (Tom Noonan) and his very own demons in the shape of Doctor Hannibal Lecktor (Cox). This is Red Dragon alright - the only version of which you ever need to watch.

Gil Will Graham (Peterson) is an FBI profiler retired to Florida with his lovely wife and child. He's brought out of retirement to help hunt down The Tooth Fairy, a particularly vicious serial killer who murders whole families for kicks. In need of guidance and inspiration, Graham seeks out old mentor Hannibal Lecktor. No, I've not spelt that wrong. Docktor Lecktor being the same old cannibal we've always known him as, only this time played with less camp by Brian Cox instead of Anthony Hopkins. Cox is a very different Lecktor than Hopkins. Both are very good in the role, but I think I prefer Cox. He's more intimidating, more menacing - certainly more of a physical presence. I would have been curious to see how Cox would have handled more screen time in The Silence Of The Lambs and maybe Hannibal. Hard to see him putting himself in the position to be under threat from pigs, that's for sure.

Unlike Brett Ratner and his lazy "here's Hopkins, now I can just sit back and have a nap" style of direction, Michael Mann knows how to direct the hell out of a crime movie. The cinematography is all light cues and filters, disconcertingly brighter than we're used to from movies of this variety.

Mann has made quite the career out of pitting two quite different but very interesting forces against one another. Heat bought us Al Pacino vs Robert De Niro. He put Tom Cruise against Jamie Foxx in Collateral - and then made it not shit. Tom Cruise's hair is ridiculous in that movie, but it's to Mann's testament that Cruise's hair is the only ridiculous thing. Manhunter has William Petersen hunting Tom Noonan, and both men are fantastic. Petersen's Will Graham is the template for his CSI character, but he does it so well that it's not hard to see why he proved so popular as Gil Grissom. Noonan is at once intimidating and pitiful as Graham's prey. He's a right bastard, but you can't help but feel for him as his doomed relationship with Reba (Allen) progresses. Also, he looks utterly terrifying. Tattooed and with pantyhose on his head, I certainly wouldn't want to meet Tom Noonan's Dolarhyde down a dark alley.

Manhunter falters a little towards the end, losing the book's finale in favour of a fiery shootout, unworthy of both hunter and hunted. But it's still a very powerful movie, more interesting to me than The Silence Of The Lambs and most certainly Brett Ratner's dull, blatantly obvious remake/adaptation. After a disappointing reception upon release, Manhunter has since become regarded as something of a cult classic. Rightly so. This one is definitely worth Hunting down, Man.

I Saw The Devil

Director: Jee-woon Kim (2010)

Starring: Byung-hun Lee, Min-sik Choi, Gook-hwan Jeon

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

Kyung-chul (Min-sik Choi) is a dangerous psychopath who gets his kicks raping, murdering and beheading women. But when he murders Joo-yeon, daughter of a retired police officer, it seems he might have bitten off more than he can chew. Her fiancee, see, is like a Korean version of James Bond. Secret agent Soo-hyun (Byung-hun Lee) dedicates himself to hunting down Kyung-chul and repeatedly torturing the bastard wherever he may be. You'd almost feel sorry for the downcast, battered serial killer - but, well, he is a serial killer.

I Saw The Devil is a fantastic serial killer movie. Oldboy's Min-sik Choi is mesmerising in the role of the killer, ably supported by Byung-hun Lee (from GI Joe fame, but don't hold that against him). There's bone-crunching, squeam-inducing violence and tremendously well coordinated fight scenes. The pace and subject matter puts me in mind of The Chaser, but with everything taken up a notch. Where The Chaser was a redemptive tale of Pimp vs Serial Killer, I Saw The Devil is a classic revenge story with plenty of heart and a revolting villain you'll enjoy watching being kicked about repeatedly.

And if this film's anything to go by, South Korea is full of serial killers. At one point, Soo-hyun is fighting three at once. He becomes like a vigilante who only fights multiple murderers, the Batman to Kyung-chul's Joker. There's an exciting fight scene every twenty minutes, followed by torture and kill scenes at regular intervals inbetween. Some of it is cathartic, most of it terribly yucky. Even I looked away at one point, and I have a very strong constitution.

I Saw The Devil is a great movie with super action, a clever story and a fantastic set of performances from its leading men. I saw I Saw The Devil and loved it.

The Lost

Director: Chris Sivertson (2006)

Starring: Marc Senter, Shay Astar, Alex Frost, Megan Henning

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

Like his Girl Next Door, Jack Ketchum's The Lost is not strictly a horror movie. But it contains such disturbing scenes of violence and cruelty that it's completely horrifying in the most human sense of the word.

One night, just for shits and giggles, 19-year-old Ray Pye (Senter) breaks out his rifle and shoots two innocent, unsuspecting teenage girls. Complicit but uneasy are his friend Tim (Frost) and occasional girlfriend Jennifer (Astar), who help him cover up the crime. Four years later, and the gang seem to have gotten away with their crime. Everyone knows that it was Ray what done it, but no-one can prove a thing. Detective Charlie Schilling (Michael Bowen) is determined to bring Ray to justice, dogging the lad to his wits' end. But will his obsessional harassment of the kid lead Ray to do something even more terrible? It's certainly starting to look that way.

Like everything else the author has done, I loved The Lost. It's a hefty novel, juggling multiple characters and motivations. There's this tendency with Ketchum's books to make the villains a little too evil (Crazy Aunt in The Girl Next Door, Chris Cleek in The Woman) but his Ray Pye is almost sympathetic. As sympathetic as a multiple-murdering psychopath can be, anyhow. Ray is a bizarre creation - easily one of the most memorable literary villains in the genre - a quiff and makeup wearin', Elvis listenin', smooth talkin' kid who wears crushed beercans in his boots to make himself appear taller. He's a ridiculous boy, but charismatic and hypnotic all the same.

This doesn't translate to film too well. The Lost is a very faithful adaptation of the book, every bit as much as The Girl Next Door and Offspring. Whole strings of dialogue are repeated verbatim, and the characters are very faithfully recreated. This doesn't give everyone space to breathe; Pye has more than enough screentime, but his victims and lovers less so. The Lost may have worked better as a TV miniseries than a 90 minute movie. But no amount of runtime can make up for the fact that Marc Senter's Ray Pye steals literally every moment and scene of the movie. And not in a good way.

The book doesn't shy away from Ray's inherent ridiculousness, but the movie is overpowered by it. He's impossible to take seriously. In the book, there were glimpses of charisma and charm, but here he looks and sounds like a fool. I find it hard to believe one woman would give Ray the time of day, let alone the great many he has swooning over his every word in this film. He's not menacing, seductive or sympathetic. By the squealy, annoying finale, he's become an annoying mess of tics and nonsense. Marc Senter is fully channeling 90s-era Jim Carrey. So much so that I expected Ray to drop a "somebody stop me" or "smokin'" during all the climactic noise.

It's not that Senter is bad in this movie - quite the opposite - if anything, he's too good. His performance is uncomfortable to watch, veering between comic to tragic. He's never scary, although some of the things he does become quite affecting. None of the other characters or actors stand a chance.

Tonally, The Lost is all over the place. It has the tone of a comedy but the script and story of a crime drama, with the hard violence of a horror. Due to budgetary constraints, it's set in the modern day, but completely feels like a period 70s' piece. Maybe it's my own fault, reading the book so soon before watching the movie. It's gripping, well-directed and well-acted, but something never quite sits right with this adaptation. It simply feels a little... lost.

Midnight Meat Train

Director: Ryuhei Kitemura (2008)

Starring: Bradley Cooper, Vinnie Jones, Leslie Bibb

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

Who on Earth would have thought that a fight sequence between Bradley Cooper and Vinnie Jones would make for riveting viewing? For that matter, who would have thought that any horror movie which stars Bradley Cooper or Vinnie Jones would be any way enjoyable? Well, in spite of all odds, Midnight Meat Train is a very good movie. Behind Hellraiser, I'd go as far as to say that it's my favourite Clive Barker movie. It helps, I suppose, that most Clive Barker movies are a little bit crummy.

But then Midnight Meat Train is directed by Rhuhei Kitemura, of Versus fame. He brings all the verve and splattery violence of that movie to this, the most unlikely of projects. It's an incredibly violent, gory movie, full of popped eyeballs, smashed skulls and nipples in jars. What it lacks for in subtlety, it more than makes up for with sheer fun.

A pre-hung over Bradley Cooper plays Leon, a freelance photographer promised a lucrative deal if he can capture the seedy 'heart' of the city. So in a silly move, he takes to the streets at night, photographing muggers, would-be rapists and - eventually - the serial killer Mahogany (Jones). Yes, Mahogany is a stupid name and Vinnie Jones is hardly a guarantor of quality, but Midnight Meat Train is still good. Honest, it is. The title comes from Mahogany's habit of murdering anyone who catches his train at night, hanging them up on butchers' hooks and chopping them to bits. It's realised that the key to making Jones not suck (or at least, suck less) is to not let him talk. So Mahogany doesn't have a tongue in this movie. Which is good. It means he can't say things like "I'm Mahogany, bitch."

Even without calling himself "Mahogany, bitch", it's a little hard to take Jones seriously. I do wish they'd gone with a different actor to play him (in Barker's original Books Of Blood, Mahogany is of a very different build), maybe an unknown or at least not a footballer. Not Vinnie Jones. Cooper is good; a lot better than you might expect from having seen The Hangover or The A-Team alone. I don't for an instant buy him being a match for Vinnie Jones in a fight (and what a fight; it lasts almost ten minutes and puts Freddy vs Jason to shame in the fisticuffs department), but he does well enough, all considered.

What almost derails (GEDDIT) the movie though, is its use of CGI. Midnight Meat Train has the worst use of CGI blood I have ever seen. It comes very close to ruining some of the kill scenes, which is a shame. But Kitemura brings so much skill to the direction that you'll forgive moments like these. There's even a cameo from Ted Raimi, which is just glorious.

Midnight Meat Train, then, is one train you definitely need to catch.

The Dentist

Director: Brian Yuzna (1996)

Starring: Corbin Bernsen, Linda Hoffman, Ken Foree

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

Even as hardcore horror fans, we all have things that make us cringe and go "oof." For some, it's eyeball trauma, snipping of the achilles tendon or fingernail stuff. For others it's Megan Fox pretending to act. For me, it's the films of Rob Zombie. Sorry, I mean teeth. Anything involving teeth.

I think it stems from that one time my dentist shouted at me and told me to brush my effing teeth. Or even earlier than that, when I fell over walking in the Lickey Hills (it's kinda like Scotland, localized in Birmingham and not at all like Scotland) and chipped the fuck out of one of my teeth. Which caused trouble for years to come and ended with me wearing a brace. There's also that old stereotype of British people all having bad teeth. Whatever, I hate tooth stuff. I hate that bit in Marathon Man and that new Saw film and even Steve Martin in Little Shop Of Horrors is kinda icky. I have reoccurring dreams in which all of my teeth fall out and, what I'm trying to say right, is, this: I hate the shitting dentist.

So The Dentist, then, is one of the few horror movies that I find genuinely difficult to watch. Even when The Dentist (Bernsen) isn't doing evil things to people's mouths, I find myself cringing. I think that were this not a horror movie - say, a romantic comedy starring Christian Bale and Dame Judy Dench - I'd still be cringing. Where dentistry is involved, it doesn't take much.

Its scenes of oral violence (ha. I said oral) better any modern torture movie hands down. Brian Yuzna is the man who brought us(well, produced) Re-Animator, mind. Crazy-ass doctors are kinda his forte. Corbin Bernsen is fantastic as the dentist-driven-crazy (although I always forget he's in this movie and forever confuse it - and him - with Dr. Giggles. Despite my never having seen Dr. Giggles). You've also got professional movie asshole Earl Boen and the legendary Ken Foree in smallish roles. The Dentist is a proper psycho movie, like The Stepfather before it.

I've been needing to book an appointment with my dentist for a while now. After watching The Dentist again, I think I'll give it a miss thanks.

The Killer Inside Me

Director: Michael Winterbottom (2010)

Starring: Casey Affleck, Jessica Alba, Kate Hudson

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

AKA The Horseshit Inside My DVD Player. In turns critically acclaimed and reviled, The Killer Inside Me is basically Dexter bereft of all the good qualities that make Dexter enjoyable. The allegedly talented Affleck brother plays Lou Ford, a small-town Deputy and serial killer. Like the thematically sort of similar Dexter Morgan, Lou is a mild-mannered, unassuming and friendly fellow. He spends his days working with the police (occasionally investigating his own crimes) and even manages to have friends and a hot girlfriend, despite struggling with terrible urges to do equally terrible things. Only Lou doesn't really struggle with his urges. He succumbs to the lot and is a far less interesting character for it. He's an unlikeable, unsympathetic idiot with no class or intelligence. And he has a really irritating voice. And looks kind of like Ben Affleck.

Most of my complaints are, I suppose, intentional on the movie's part. For all of Michael C. Hall's likeability, it's easy to forget that you're not supposed to root for the bad guy. Lou Ford is a more realistic serial killer. Lou is what serial killers are really like. Irritating and a little bit camp. It's exactly like Jim Thompson's novel, which is equally unlikeable and almost as banal.

Everyone other than Affleck is fine. Jessica Alba and Kate Hudson are rewarded with thankless roles (I think Alba's nude body double probably gets more screentime than she does) whilst Mentalist Simon Baker, Bill Pullman and Ned Beatty aren't given nearly enough to do, despite being far more interesting/better than the lead character/actor. The music is nice, Winterbottom's direction is competent. And, if you can get past the movie's mysoginy and banality, some of the grittier scenes pack a certain punch (no pun intended). All this, of course, depends on your level of tolerance for women being hit repeatedly in the face.

Like its central character, The Killer Inside Me is ultimately not a very interesting movie. It justifies its existence by the horrible things it does, but mostly just comes across as smug, needlessly cruel, facile and downright unlikeable.

The Chaser

Director: Hong-jin Na (2008)

Starring: Yun-seok Kim, Jung-woo Ha, Yeong-hie Seo

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

Very rarely will you get a title as apt as The Chaser. After watching its increasingly bedraggled and put-upon protagonist hoof himself around the backstreets of Seoul, Korea, I felt like I'd ran a marathon myself. It's like watching an episode of 24, except not in real time and with an angry pimp instead of Jack Bauer. The aforementioned pimp is Jung-ho, and he's angry because his girls keep disappearing. He assumes that they've either quit or been sold. The reality is something far worse. One of Jung-ho's regulars is a serial killer, a fact he only finds out after he sends a girl round. The pressure is on for Jung-ho to rescue his Ho and dish out some pimp justice before it's too late. It's an exhausting movie, almost as much so for the viewer as it is Jung-ho.

It's more than just a simple cat-and-mouse thriller though, as there's plenty going on. The Chaser is as redemptive as Abel Ferrera's Bad Liutenant and as much a police procedural as a season of Dexter (although the ineptitude of Seoul's police force puts even Miami PD's collection of serial killers, nutjobs and sleazers to shame). It's really quite funny too, with a bleak, absurdist humour at play during some of the earlier to middle scenes. And it's plenty gory, featuring multiple and sustained beatings, bludgeonings and batterings. There's a Saw-esque torture toilet, a dog getting smacked with a spade and even a shitflinging or two. The movie more than makes up for its considerable running time by having things constantly happen, always adding another twist to the tale.

There's no denying that it does ramble on a bit though, and one character's suffering does seem a tad too much. Also, the final scenes are marred by dingy cinematography. There are a few too many times where the movie seems to borrow a little too much from a certain Oldboy, with its antiheroic lead character and use of a hammer as the killer's weapon. The Chaser is too good for such things, and really doesn't need the comparison. Still, such complaints are only nitpicks. This is a movie well worth Chasing down.

Hannibal

Director: Ridley Scott (2001)

Starring: Anthony Hopkins, Julianne Moore, Gary Oldman, pigs

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon

A now-ginger and less lesbian Clarice Starling continues her hunt for the escaped cannibal Hannibal Lecter. Meanwhile, a chewed-up looking Gary Oldman trains some pigs and Hannibal saunters around Italy, taking in the artwork and scenery. Also, Ray Liotta gets the finest death scene in the whole series.

Hannibal takes place ten years after The Silence of the Lambs, and pretty much concludes the stories of Hannibal Lecter and Clarice Starling. Prequels Red Dragon and Hannibal Rising (*shudders*) would follow, but you'll be lucky to ever see Hannibal again following the events of this swansong. Although you never can tell with Hollywood. It wouldn't entirely surprise me to see a one-handed Lecter once more on the run, this time in space or in Da Hood perhaps.

Hannibal isn't really in the same league as its predecessor, but neither is it anywhere nearly as bad as Red Dragon or Rising (*shudders*). And, if you've ever read the book upon which it's based, you'll know that it could've been a hell of a lot worse. That said, there will always be a part of me curious to see what Hannibal and Clarice eloping would have looked like. Terrible, no doubt.

Hiding in Italy, Hannibal is living the high life. That is, until old foe Mason Verger (Oldman) has a price put on his head, and he's discovered by a local cop. Much of the cat-and-mouse stuff in Italy seems to drag, enlivened slightly by Hopkins and the all-around quality of the cast. It's nice to see a few other faces from Silence show up too, although Jodie Foster's presence is missed most of all. That said, Julianne Moore makes a fine Starling. She never comes across as being as strong as Foster's take on the character, but you still wouldn't mess. And her vulnerability makes her relationship with Hannibal that little more plausible.

For once, Dave Lamb's Come Dine with Me narration was lost for words.

Once the movie leaves Italy, Hannibal becomes noticeably more entertaining. Hannibal and Clarice get to share a bit of much-needed screentime, Verger sets his vengeance into action, and Hannibal is menaced by maneating pigs. It's to Ridley Scott's credit that he can make his movie feature MANEATING PIGS and not have the audience in peals of laughter. MANEATING PIGS are fucking stupid, but thanks to the tone and its handling, Scott manages to pull it off.

And then we have Ray Liotta hosting a dinner party with his brain as the main course. This alone justifies the movie's existence. But even with the novel's ridiculous ending excised, the finale flirts with idiocy. It has just enough class and excitement to not entirely ruin everything that's gone before. It feels a little anticlimactic and something of a non-event, but is mostly tolerable enough. Ultimately, Hannibal is a fitting farewell to arguably the finest movie psychopath since Norman Bates.

CYRUS: MIND OF A SERIAL KILLER

Director: Mark Vadik (2010)

Starring: Brian Krause, Danielle Harris, Lance Henriksen

Find it online: IMDB

LOL JK. You Hannah Montana fans will have to look elsewhere for your tween kicks. This is actually a review of something considerably less horrifying - the serial killer thriller Cyrus. This one stars Lance Henriksen and has his gruff, mysterious character as interviewee in a documentary about titular serial killer Cyrus (not to be confused with enjoyable serial killer Cyrus of Con Air or anything Billy Ray either). His narration bookends the movie and is intercut with vivid murder scenes in which the killer does his stuff.

If only Cyrus was played by an actor with as much chops as Henriksen. Brian Krause does fine, but his serial killer shtick comes across as a bit stereotyped and without nuance. He's pretty much your standard quiet, creepy murderer ala Steve Railsback's Ed Gein or Kane Hodder's BTK. Do we really need another dungarees-wearing My Name Is Earl trailer-trash serial killer? He remains mostly quiet throughout, but when he does get to speak, ol' Cyrus comes across as a bit whiny. Always rattling on about his achey breaky heart.

But Henriksen's narration and faux talking heads keep things snappy enough. It also helps that Cyrus is a lot quieter than your average STD serial killer. The few lines he has don't exactly seep menace. In fact, much of the movie's menace and tension comes from Henriksen's gravelly Texan narratings. Lance makes a lot of crap nowadays, but his work in Cyrus is solid. He's too old, but I'd much rather have seen him play Cyrus hisself.

After he murders his wife, Cyrus murders a car full of cut-n-paste youths and kidnaps the cutest amongst their number. He takes her home and makes her breastfeed his imaginary dead baby. Yes, you read that right. Most disturbing breastfeeding scene since The Hills Have Eyes remake. Sadly it's accompanied by a whole lot of whining and daft behaviour from Cyrus. Serial killers, when will you learn that bleating about your mommy & daddy issues is just unattractive.

But for all its issues, Cyrus is watchable enough. The story is more compelling than one might expect, and there's enough going on to prevent boredom from setting in. Course, it has Lance Henriksen to paper over the cracks. And if you squint your eyes/turn off your ears, you can pretend that you're watching Sam Worthington on screen. A much more annoying, simpering Sam Worthington. And it has the most unintentionally hilarious car crash this side of a Final Destination. The ending though, is entirely unpredictable. In fact, even with no more facts at your disposal than provided by this review, you can probably guess the 'twist' straight off've the bat.

The Mind of a Serial Killer, as posited by this movie's subtitle, is a bit of a dump. Lesson learned: under Lance Henriksen's gravelly monotone, even an utter bitch moron like Silly Ray Cyrus can pass off as cool. If only we could all have the luxury of The Henriksen narrating our most dipshit mind processes.

Action Movie Monday presents... REPLICANT

REPLICANT (2001)

More so than any of his action peers, Muscles from Brussels Jean Claude Van Damme has something of a penchant for making dour, miserable movies in which he gets his ass handed to him by near enough everyone. In Replicant, JCVD spends much of the considerable running time either in handcuffs or as Michael Rooker's bitch. And when not being abused by Rooker, the poor fooker gets beaten to a pulp by a gay(er) looking version of himself. Replicant is not JCVD's lucky movie. Although it could be worse; it could be In Hell, a prison movie so depressing that it makes the darker scenes in The Shawshank Redemption look positively Disney.

JCVD plays 'Torch', a serial killer who's offing women and prank-calling cop Michael Rooker to brag about it. Pissed off with this behaviour, Rooker takes delivery of Torch's clone (also played by JCVD) in the hope that he can use his magic clone powers to hunt the killer down. Like Keanu Reeves in The Watcher, JCVD doesn't make a very convincing serial killer. His idea of menace is speaking slightly gruffer than usual, wearing a long leather jacket and not washing his hair. It's an odd choice having Van Damme play a serial killer, since I don't recall seeing Charles Manson or Ian Brady ever do split kicks or acrobatic kung-fu. You can never really buy that Torch gets his kicks (no pun intended) from murdering innocent women, since he seems more the terrorist or arms dealer type.

His clone - simply named 'Replicant' - requires an altogether different acting style from Van Damage. He spends pretty much the whole movie wearing a dumb, slightly-aspergers', hangdog expression on his face. It's eminently kickable, and you can kinda see why Cop Rooker hates him so much. Slightly disturbing are the brothel scenes. Did anyone ever need to see Jean Claude Van Damme come in his own pants? No, I didn't think so. But at least this is followed by a sequence in which he actually fights something. Fight scenes in Replicant are too few. But I digress, because Van Damme's acting is actually pretty good as The Replicant. He's as sympathetic as he is punchable.

Playing it entirely unsympathetic and unlikeable is Michael Rooker as Jake. Rooker is a brilliant actor, but his character here does him no favours. He pretty much spends the entirety of the movie whaling on a mentally disabled man. Not cool, Jake. Even more uncomfortable than the brothel scenes are the ones in which Jake strips a handcuffed Replicant down to his underpants and carries out a very thorough body search. A mutual respect is eventually built up between him and his Replicant, but it's impossible to like a man who treats the mentally disabled like a pet. Imagine if Morgan Freeman had spent most of Unleashed beating the shit out of Jet Li and forcing him to eat dog food. Replicant is like a very cruel and violent version of Forrest Gump.

It's passable enough, though. The action scenes are well-done, the story gripping and the acting surprisingly good. It certainly beats Schwarznegger's own clone movie into a cocked Belgian hat. It's just a shame that Mister Jean Claude couldn't cheer up a bit. Doing the splits isn't quite as impressive when you're wearing a face like a smacked bottom.

Acolytes

Director: Jon Hewitt (2008)

Starring: Joshua Payne, Sebastian Gregory, Hanna Mangan-Lawrence

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

Bullied schoolkids undergoing puberty discover a serial killer burying his dirty deeds in the woods. For reasons best known to themselves, the silly kiddiwinks decide to blackmail the killer into doing dastardly things for them. Namely, offing bully Gary Parker. Silly children. Their serial killer is less than thrilled with being blackmailed, and sets about hunting the brats down.

Like Deadgirl, this is a movie that deals with the difficult adolescent struggles of emotionally conflicted youths. Unlike Deadgirl, it's done with subtelty, maturity, intelligence and understanding. Whereas that previous film was high on gruesomeness but low on motivational believability (say what you like, but rape is NOT a standard response to zombification), Acolytes backs up its youths' nasty deeds by giving them plenty of motive for their actions.

Indeed, that buildup is slow at times but completely necessary. And once the game does get going properly, it doesn't let up until the end. The final 45 minutes or so have multiple plates spinning at once, efficiently working plenty of twists, action and neat character moments working like a tightly oiled machine. I've mixed my metaphors there, but Acolytes is worth it. It's an example of how a low budget need not detract from your movie. It even has not one but two great villains (perhaps more, depending on how you count them) going for it. As serial killer Ian Wright, Joel Edgerton is wonderfully cast, bringing a masterfully sinister moustache and sunglasses to the table. Bully Gary Parker is nicely slimy, more than making up for the spots of dodgy acting from the movie's leading trio.

(Predictable Ian Wright Joke)

Lesson learned, kids - don't fuck with serial killers. Especially not when they have moustaches and sunglasses as awesome as Ian Wright. And serial killers - dig your holes deeper. There's always a gaggle of idiot semi-psychopathic children on hand to dig that shit up.