Jason Goes to Hell: the Final Friday

Director: Adam Marcus (1993)

Starring: John D. LeMay, Kari Keegan, Kane Hodder, Steven Williams

Find it: IMDB

Widely regarded to be the worst Friday the 13th movie and suffering from a crippling lack of Jason, Jason Goes to Hell is the strangest of them all. Even more so than that one where he went to space. The plot is like that Denzel Washington bodyswapping movie, except with Jason and not very good. When his body is blown to pieces by the FBI, it looks like Jason Voorhees is finally gone for good.

Except of course not. When a mortuary worker eats Jason's heart (which he does in a manner that makes me feel ill every time) the serial killer takes control of his body and sets about effecting his own rebirth. It's a very misleading title. He spends even less time in Hell than he does Manhattan. The only part of Jason Goes to Hell that anyone remembers is the final shot, in which Freddy Kreuger's disembodied hand appears and grabs Jason's mask. It would take a further ten years for Freddy vs Jason to emerge. Enough time for Jason to go to space and back. In this movie he goes black.

Briefly. Body swap shenanigans abounds as Jason seeks out a family member to possess. Only through a Voorhees can a Voorhees be born or killed. As that synopsis might suggest, Jason Goes to Hell is the stupidest Friday so far. It wastes a great opportunity for a cool not-Jason character with Steven Williams's Creighton Duke. Duke introduces himself as a bounty hunter determined to hunt down and kill Jason. Duke is set up to be like this movie's version of Dennis Hopper in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre 2. I spent the whole film waiting for Creighton Duke to do something awesome.

Spoiler: he doesn't.

Cretin Duke is a waste of time and money. Until the day comes that someone takes out a bounty on your fingers, Cretin Duke is a shitty bounty hunter. All he does is look weird during a word association game and break some dude's fingers.

Jason Goes to Hell is bad - almost Freddy's Dead bad - but I like it, all the same. The first and last ten minutes provide some reasonably good Jason action, whilst cameos from Kane Hodder, Freddy Kreuger's hand and a certain Necronomicon provide amusement. It's a bizarre entry, but not an entirely uninteresting one. If you want to see naked teenagers die at a campsite, there are eight other films to choose from. Let this one have its moment of semi-interesting madness.

Jason X

Director: James Isaac (2001)

Starring: Kane Hodder, Lexa Doig, Lisa Ryder

Find it: IMDB

The first Friday the 13th movie I ever saw*. For a full two years, Jason X was my favourite slasher movie. And then Freddy vs Jason came out. And then I re-watched it and realised that Jason X is kinda crummy. But it is also kinda awesome. Because as we all know, slasher icon in space = movie gold.

In futuristic 2008, Jason Voorhees has been captured and is being held at Crystal Lake Research Facility. Scientist Rowan LaFontaine (Doig) decides to cryogenically freeze the slasher bastard, keeping nubile teens everywhere safe from his seasonal rampages. But Jason escapes and violently kills a team of soldiers. Of this I approve. Watching Jason fight trained soldiers is infinitely more entertaining than watching Jason fight stupid teenagers. Before Jason can kill her, Rowan freezes them both. To the future!

In the year 2455, Rowan and Jason's frozen corpses are discovered by a field trip of intergalactic pupils and their teacher. The Earth has become dangerously polluted and now humanity lives on another planet. The kids and their teacher take the Jasonsicle and the Rowansicle back to their spaceship and set sail for outer space. Both Rowan and Jason make a full recovery. In Rowan's case, this means shivering and pouting a lot. In Jason's case: killing nubile teenagers.

It's not as good as I once thought it was, but Jason X is still a bit of a blast. As an introduction to Friday the 13th, it was a revelation to sixteen-year-old me. Jason hacks and beats his way through a spaceship full of soldiers, teachers, students and androids alike. He even makes to the holodeck and fucks that up too. There's room for a replay of my favourite Friday the 13th kill evarr (that'll be the sleeping bag against the tree, then) and a cameo from David Cronenberg. Yes, that David Cronenberg.

You may be scornful, but this is proof that sometimes the sequel-in-space route does work. The great thing about Jason Voorhees is that his shtick works anywhere. Be it Manhattan, Elm Street, Hell, Texas or space, I'd be quite happy to watch Jason stab the bollocks out of someone wherever, whenever. Jason X is the closest I'll ever get to a Star Trek crossover so shut up and let me have my moment of happiness.

Wherein the tie-in is actually worse than the fan-fiction.

That said, robo-Jason is horrible. Robo-Jason is proof that not everything needs an upgrade. You can keep your 3D, Facebook timeline and your hashtags; I prefer my Jason to be all smelly and raggedy. It's fortunate that his transformation to stupid glittery space robot is only for the last 20 minutes of the film. Although it does allow me to imagine an alternate ending where his remains crash near a small squad of Cybermen and he rises to become king. King robo-Jason of the Cybermen. After lopping Amy and Rory to bits, Jason kills The Doctor with his own bowtie (repeatedly, until he can't regenerate anymore) and steals the TARDIS. He takes it back to the inception of the Earth whereupon he and his Cybermen become overlords of Crystal Lake; always and forever. Just a little idea of mine. Feel free to use that, New Line Cinema and Steven Moffat.

It's no 2001: A Space Odyssey, but Jason X will always hold a dear place in my own heart. As the last proper Friday the 13th movie, it goes out with a damn big bang.

* So much so that I didn't realise that the 'X' stood for '10'. I thought it was just a fancy futuristic way of making Jason sound futuristic.

Friday the 13th: Part 2

Director: Steve Miner (1981)

Starring: Amy Steel, John Furey, Adrienne King, Kirsten Baker

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

Still no hockey mask. Jason spends the movie in Hillbilly mode, wearing dungarees and a white burlap sack on his head throughout. Despite the fact that it takes place not too long after the original movie, Part 2 has Jason Voorhees all growed up. He's massive as you'd recognize Jason, but not yet played by Kane Hodder.

The big man may have arrived, but the movie feels like little more than a rehash of both the original and every other summer camp slasher you've ever seen. Aside from the killer in parts 1-2 and Jason's outfit, these first three Fridays are basically interchangeable. It wouldn't be until Part 4 that the series hit its stride, before delivering slicker, top notch action in Parts 6 & 7 (and, to a lesser extent Jason Takes Manhattan). Jason's more human stages are fun but lack the later episodes' dynamism and eccentricity. Re-watching these earlier movies, one can't help but think it a wise move that the '09 remake opted to condense Voorhees & Son's early adventures into forty five minutes.

Part 2 quickly does away with the earlier movie's survivor, and then skips to a new group of youths five years later. You'll be hard pressed to remember any of them after five minutes, although you can rest assured that the girls are all hot, the guys horny and there's at least one annoying character amongst the number whose death you'll be sure to cheer. There's also the prerequisite appearance from a local crazy (aptly named "Crazy Ralph") to warn the lot of their impending doom. As usual, the kills are really the only bits worth watching. Mildly forgettable as the rest of the movie might be, the final scenes have their merits and the Final Gal's method of outwitting Jason is an interesting one.

Next up: More interchangeable youths die, and Jason finally gets his mask.

Friday the 13th (1980)

Director: Sean S Cunningham (1980)

Starring: Betsy Palmer, Adrienne King, Jeannine Taylor, Kevin Bacon

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

After her squiff-headed son dies in a silly camp counsellor related accident, Mother Voorhees seeks out vengeance against the horny stoned youths she thinks responsible. Bad news for Kevin Bacon and his chums, who find themselves on the business end of Not Jason's knife. As you should know, everyone dies but one. A youthful faced Kevin Bacon finds himself with an arrow in the throat, recieving the opening episode's best death scene. The reveal of Mommy Voorhees as the killer doesn't really ring true, but it did give rise to Jason in Part 2 onwards, so we'll let 'em off. And besides, it lends a slight Giallo touch to only see the killer's (usually gloved) hands. And in another aside, Betsy Palmer is at least scarier than the remake's Nana Visitor.

Footloose 2: John Lithgow was havin' none of Kevin Bacon's prancy dancy shenanigans this time around

Of course, you know that Jason isn't the killer in this original piece. It's almost a cliche to mention it now, thanks to the smart-mouthed referential dialogue in Wes Craven's Scream. Jason's mummy dearest is on stabby duties, and Betsy Palmer does a fine job as the wrinkled avenger. A young Kevin Bacon and assorted pretty young things are on hand as stab-fodder, with the mighty Tom Savini handling the special effects and splatter.

The splatter is always the highpoint of a Friday the 13th movie. After all, it doesn't have Elm Street's surrealism, Halloween's use of a Shatner mask or Texas Chainsaw Massacre's pure dementedness. It's fun and influential in its own right, but Jason and his hockey mask are sorely missed in this opening piece. There's much fun to be had here though. The most annoying character dies first, much to this grumpy viewer's delight. All smiles and virginity, our would-be heroine arrives in Crystal Lake's local town only to be warned off and regailed with legends of 'Camp Blood'. Our plucky heroine heeds not these warnings and continues on her (all too) merry way, taking in a little light sexual assault from a sleazy trucker and other such rustic sights as she goes. No sooner has she reached Crystal Lake than the slightly cretinous all-too-cheerful chappette ends up dead.

Next up, Jason Resurrected with a bag on his head and a whole lot more youths to puncture. No Kevin Bacon though.

Freddy vs Jason

Director: Ronny Yu (2003)

Starring: Monica Keena, Jason Ritter, Kelly Rowland (!) Robert Englund, Ken Kirzinger,

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

A match-up eagerly awaited by horror fans since Freddy's arm made its cameo in Jason Goes to Hell. It took ten years to happen - during which time, Jason blasted off to space and Freddy went all meta - but was it worth it?

For this easily pleased girlpants, yes, it was. It may not be a perfect - or even legitimately good - movie, but for Icon vs Icon action, Freddy vs Jason certainly provides plenty of bang for your boomstick. Especially when you compare it with the watered down likes of Aliens vs Predator.

Freddy Krueger (Englund) is trapped and mostly powerless. The youths of Springwood, thanks to a government conspiracy, have all but forgotten about him. Without their fear, Freddy hasn't the power to harm them. So, in order to return to his full glory, he enlists the help of pissed off undead goalie Jason Voorhees (Kirzinger) and sends him up Elm Street way, in the hope that he'll shake things up a bit. And shake things up he does. The kids are scared shitless, which opens a door into their subconscious for Freddy. Only Jason gets greedy, and won't stop murdering Freddy's victims. Cue a petty turf war between the two.

Freddy vs Jason is shit, but you can't help but love it. The script is laughably bad - "wait, Freddy died by fire - Jason by water - can we use that?" - and some of the kids' acting is cringeworthy. Lead couple Monica Keena and Jason Ritter have no chemistry or charisma between them ('Jackface' Ritter has a habit of smiling when he's supposed to be scared or upset) and the presence of Kelly Rowland is simply bizarre. I'd have preferred for Katherine Isabelle to be around to be a bit longer too, since she's by far the most competent of all the teens. Too much Kelly Rowland and not enough Katherine Isabelle. That said, it does see Rowland murdered by Jason Voorhees, which is infinitely great. Freddy's riding on a Dream Warriors high, and gets a few good lines (and a bit of casual racism directed at Rowland too) - whilst still managing to be fairly menacing at the same time. He's certainly not cuddly anymore - his opening scene is chilling stuff. Kirzinger isn't quite as imposing as Kane Hodder, but does a great job, all the same.

The main event is quite possibly the reason my eyes were invented, since it never gets any less awesome, no matter how many times I watch it. It spans both real and dream worlds; from Elm Street to Crystal Lake (only just down the road, apparently) and is extremely gory. Limbs are torn off, bodies are impaled, Krueger is beheaded, Jason is revealed to be a whiny bitch child (scared of water, really???) and the teens are hacked up willy-nilly inbetween. True, it does seem a little oddly one-sided, and Freddy's kill-count is pathetic, but a disappointment it is not.

If you think about it too hard, Freddy vs Jason probably doesn't deserve the high rating I've given it, but I haven't the heart to rate it anything less. After all, it's probably the last time we'll ever get to see Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees in their original form. As a send-off, they could've had so much worse.

Jason vs Leatherface: a true bromance

Because I’m getting impatient waiting for the next instalment of Freddy vs Jason vs Ash: Nightmare Warriors, it’s time to delve back into the longbox in search of a good, gory horror fix.

Unfortunately, Jason vs Leatherface is not particularly good, gory or horrific. The plot is as pedestrian as you could possibly get. A Corporate Bastard dredges up Crystal Lake and, for some unclear reason, ships the water therein out to Texas. Because one Jason Voorhees is chained up at the bottom of the lake, he ends up in Texas too.

Wandering around backwoods Hicksville, Jason happens across (the first Chainsaw Massacre’s) Hitchhiker and Leatherface. There’s a brief, slightly shit scuffle; then Jason and Leatherface connect, assumedly because of their shared retardedness.

And so Jason and Leatherface become playmates. Jason goes back to the Slaughter (more on that later) household for a cute little slasher sleepover. And, at first, things go swimmingly. Jason becomes a temporary member of the Slaughter (*shudders*) family, sharing (but not eating) meals, and helping Hitchhiker and Leatherface make their kills.

But alas & alack, Jason can only stay placid for so long. After a disagreement with Hitchhiker, he tries to kill the annoying little runt. Leatherface steps up to defend his brother, and the two ex-friends finally get down to the main event.

Needless to say, Jason vs Leatherface is non-canonical. There’s a bunch of things writer Nancy Collins got completely wrong; for example, naming Leatherface’s family ‘The Slaughters’. Likewise, Pamela Voorhees is here re-named ‘Doris’, and there’s a silly little domestic violence subplot featured in a flashback. Thankfully, the main characters are captured faithfully enough. They're in pre-remake mode (think Jason from Goes to Hell and original-TCM Leatherface) and are actually surprisingly sympathetic. Aw shucks, their friendship might just be the cutest thing I’ve read since We3. Jason vs Leatherface is the original bromance.

But then, the art is far too colourful and cartoon-like to be effective anyway. It’s a light-hearted story, but Jeff Butler’s perky visuals would be better suited to an issue of The Beano or Dandy. It’s a shame, because Simon Bisley’s cover art is beautiful, and really plays up the comic grotesquerie of the characters. I’d have loved to see the whole comic illustrated by Bisley, and think that it could have really improved the flawed script. As it happens, Butler’s art really enhances the story’s problems, and really lets down the comic for me. (With that in mind, art is subjective; others absolutely love the artwork… if you’re of that mindset, Jason vs Leatherface will be a massively improved read).

And now onto the meat of the review. The big match itself. For a good example of how to do a comic-book crossover well, go read Batman vs Predator or the Batman/Judge Dredd books. Jason vs Leatherface? Not so much. The ‘vs’ aspect lasts a paltry four pages. By no mean coincidence, it’s the best bit in the whole miniseries.

It could be worse, though. Jason vs Leatherface still isn’t the worst Jason comic by far. For that dubious delight, go seek out the three-issue adaptation of Jason Goes to Hell. Then burn the fucker and read something by Wildstorm Comics instead.

2/5 screaming Scream Queens!!

Freddy vs Jason vs Ash: Nightmare Warriors (1 of 6)

Picking up a month after Freddy vs Jason vs Ash left off, the first issue of Nightmare Warriors finds the Chosen One – that’s Evil Dead’s Ash to you – living happily in suburbia with the first book’s survivor. Jason Voorhees is buried at the bottom of a lake, whilst Freddy has presumably buggered back off to the dream world. A group of shady military types find the Necronomicon (which, it is revealed, mama Voorhees used to grant Jason eternal life) and steal it away. This, predictably enough, ends up bringing Jason back to life, whereupon he kills a diver and some soldiers. Once more, Freddy remains in the shadows for now – seemingly content to control Jason from the sidelines; encouraging the retarded mummy’s boy to hunt down and kill Ash. Apparently killing the chosen one will give Jason some superpowers or something.

This being but the first part of a six-issue miniseries, it’s hard to say how Nightmare Warriors will pan out. At a guess, I’d say that Freddy and Jason become a national threat of some sort, and the government will call on Ash to save the day (what with the Necronomicon being taken by military types & an attempt to recruit Ash into some sort of military scheme).

The original writing and illustration team are back… which doesn’t bode amazingly well for Nightmare Warriors’ future readability. The original FvJvA started off well, but by issue six, Craig’s artwork had become distractingly shoddy; often seeming rushed and half-finished. Likewise, Kuhoric’s script ran out of ideas after the second issue, with the story descending into something of an unintelligible mess (with an unforgivable Watchmen rip-off being perhaps the lowest of all low points). And, unfortunately, the first issue of Nightmare Warriors is disappointingly… samey.

With all that said, however, Nightmare Warriors is pleasingly gruesome and comical. In this age of remakes, it’s nice to see Freddy, Jason and Ash in their original incarnations once more, and hell… the concept is still a spunk-inducing dream for fanboy bitches like myself.

Expect the following issues to be reviewed in due course.

4/5 screaming Scream Queens!!!

Comic Book Review - Freddy vs Jason vs Ash

Review first published December 2008.

The first few story arcs aside, Dynamite Comics’ Army of Darkness was a disappointment. And up until recently, Nightmare on Elm Street and Friday the Thirteenth comics were hardly a guarantor of quality (saying that, even the recent Elm Street comics kinda suck paedo balls). Still, hopes were high when Freddy vs Jason vs Ash was first announced. A comic-book sequel to 2003’s Freddy vs Jason, it promised to be a great big fanboys’ wet dream. It was easily my most eagerly anticipated comic event of last year (save, perhaps for Garth Ennis’ final arc on The Punisher, but I digress). And then it arrived. Well, did it live up to expectations?

Well, it could hardly have gone wrong. In my eyes, Kuhoric and Craig (the writer an illustrator, respectively) could have taken a massive, sweaty dump on the page… and I’d have lapped it up like a dog. Freddy vs Jason vs Ash provides everything you’d expect from such a title… but not much more.

Taking a less fanboy-esque stance on the thing, you can see how some might say that FvJvA is a bit, well, shite. The story’s hardly imaginative; Freddy, hankering to give himself some really nasty powers, is after the Necronomicon. To accomplish this, he sends Jason to fetch it. Into the fold comes Evil Dead’s Ash who also wants the Necronomicon; presumably to ensure it doesn’t fall into the wrong hands. Things go tits-up when Jason refuses to play ball, Ash refuses to die, and Freddy just acts like an arse about everything.

Most of the action consists of homages to the three respective franchises. So you get to see Ash lop of his hand (again) and a virtual replay of Freddy vs Jason’s climax, only with added Ash. It’s pretty fun to see set-pieces like that revisited, but too often it feels lazy and in place of any real action. And, once more, this feels more like a Nightmare on Elm Street story with added guests, rather than a combination of three mighty franchises.

Still, there’s a high bodycount, and a fair amount of gore and violence. For the most part, it’s illustrated with gusto by Jason Craig. And then it reaches issue three. Suddenly, the art takes a real dip in quality. It’s like Craig’s rushing to meet the deadline; or as if he just couldn’t be arsed with putting any more effort into things. Which is a shame, because the first issue is beautifully illustrated.

It’s hard to knock something such as this, though. Freddy vs Jason vs Ash is unlikely to ever be realized on the big screen now, so I’ll be happy with whatever I can get.