Lesbian Vampire Killers

First published June 2009, before James Corden became the all-consuming Evil that plagues us now.

Director: Phil Cladydon (2009)
Starring: Matthew Horne, James Corden, Lesbian Vampires, Paul McCann
Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK

Hoping to emulate the success of fellow Brit stars Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, the comedians Matthew Horne and James Corden make their big screen debut in Lesbian Vampire Killers. Aka Nuts Magazine: The Movie. Unfortunately, they forgot the humour, wit and intelligence which makes Shaun of the Dead such an excellent movie.

Like 2006’s Severance, this is a movie which feels tailor made to the lads’ mag audience. Unlike Severance, however, Horne and Corden didn't bother to include a decent script, any good jokes, scares or any of the memorably gruesome set pieces. Instead, screenwriters Hupfield and Williams fill the running time with a whole bunch of nob gags, lesbianisism and more nob gags.

That said, never mind the snobs. Lesbian Vampire Killers works on its own crude, stupid level. The eponymous vampires are nice to look at, whilst the chemistry between Horne and Corden – a (very) low-budget Pegg and Frost – is infectious. Besides, who doesn’t like a good nob gag now and then?

The 'plot' sees best mates Jimmy (Horne) and Fletch (Corden) hiking in the British countryside, with depressed Jimmy attempting to recover from being dumped by his girlfriend. Just as the holiday looks to be an all-out sausage-factory, the lads come across a busload of young, attractive ladies. They drive out to a small cabin in the woods, awaken some sapphic lesbian forces and violence/boobies/nob gags ensue.

By a Transylvanian mile, Paul McGann is the best thing in the movie; appearing as a hard-as-nails, sweary vicar. A little more blood wouldn’t have gone amiss, but the OTT violence is amusing on a trashy, low-rent sort of level.

Reviews for Lesbian Vampire Killers have been almost universally negative. And rightly so. Cinema tickets cost a shitload of money nowadays, and this certainly isn’t worth the price of admission, but it at least rates a rental or late-night TV viewing. Just be sure to stock up on alcohol/weed/crack/your drug of choice for the full effect.

Fuck, at the very least, it isn’t Ant & Dec: The Movie, which grants it one Scream Queen by proxy.

1 comment:

  1. It's like they came up with the title and let the movie kinda go the course. Ah well, it's terrible when a movie promises vampires, lesbians, or orgies, and delivers little to none of the those said promises. But hey, you got a little while watching it!