Fuck the Emo Vampires.

Normal baseball... shit. Vampire baseball... shit beyond human comprehension.

Director: Catherine Hardwicke (2008)
Stars: Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart.
Buy it online: NO

Hollywood continues its grand tradition of emasculating vampires with Twilight; a movie that can best be described as High School Musical with added emo and no singing. Or a really, really Disney version of Near Dark. This is a movie that makes The Rocky Horror Picture Show look like gritty fucking noir by comparison.

Twilight is based on the first in a series of books by Stephenie Meyer (an author so illiterate she can’t even spell her own name), a woman who hates vampire fiction and has never read Dracula. The movie is fairly close to the book in terms of story, and only slightly less shite. The nominal plot concerns Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) a moody young misfit who moves to a new school, and finds herself utterly alone and miserable. Not because the other students don’t like her, but because she doesn’t like anyone else. Soon enough, she meets Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), a member of a local vampire clan. One thing leads to another, and the pair inevitably fall in love. There’s confrontation between Edward and a bunch of ‘bad’ vampires (see, Eddie only drinks animal blood - the ‘bad’ vampires drink the real stuff) and the whole thing ends ready for a sequel. And even that description makes the film sound better than it is. Eighty percent of the proceedings consist of the lovers exchanging either lustful glances or shitty dialogue. “You’re my own personal brand of heroin,” says Edward. Twilight made me consider taking up fucking crack cocaine. Twilight is my own personal brand of self-flagellation.

Twilight would be a pretty standard teen romance thing if it weren’t for the relentless misogyny of it all. Now, me outing a movie for being mysoginistic is pretty ironic, when you consider the movies I usually enjoy watching. But at least The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (a) isn't directed at teenage girls and (b) doesn't normalise the lady-hate and make it seem romantic. See, unlike most other chick-flick heroines, Bella doesn’t have a strong, wilful personality. She is completely beholden to Edward. He tells her what to do, and she doesn’t question him. He tells her where to go, and she goes. He treats her like shit, and she laps it up. The way he treats her might be acceptable if Bella had a strong personality, but she doesn’t. Her biggest character trait, for instance, is falling over a lot. Which, coincidentally, she shares with the lead character in Scary Movie 1-4 and Julianne Moore in Evolution. That she is so character-free makes her merely a Mary-Sue placeholder for teenage girls, allowing them to imagine themselves in her place (“OMG I can like so totally empathise with her. I let guys treat me like shit too! Ooh, look, he’s so hunky”).

Well, this standpoint might be understandable if it wasn’t for the movie’s biggest selling point: Robert Pattinson, the emo girls’ newest poster boy. Personally, I don’t get the attraction. His face looks as if a blind girl has tried to mould a sculpture of James Dean out of shit and clay, then beat the bastard thing with a bag of spanners. Then it rained, and melted it a bit. And then somebody else digitally rebuilt the thing using CGI technology from the 90s. He’s not ugly per-se, but his one facial expression (constipated) and hilariously oversized jaw make him a completely unlikely Hollywood hunk. This is the one movie role where I think even Zac Efron could have done a better job. His character has all the complexity of an underwear model. Sure, he’s immortal and stuff, but he does nothing but whinge about the fact and apologise for existing. And, judging by the way he attempts to kiss Bella, he’s probably a virgin too. An emotionally retarded, dribbling, vegetarian 100-odd year old virgin. Admittedly, that would probably make me emo too.

It’s also hilarious how the film (and Bella) ignores the fact that Edward is over 100 years old, and still loitering in high schools. “He’s seventeen” say the audience. THE FUCK HE IS. A few years ago, a paedophile was arrested for taking classes with a bunch of children. He looked like a child too. Twilight advocates paedophilia. Expect to see Eclipse or New Moon directed by Roman Polanski.

Whingeing emo vampires are hardly a new thing, but Twilight takes it to the next level. These vampires can survive daylight, but doing so makes them shimmer. Yes, shimmer, like a girl wearing glittery make up. It’s supposed to be romantic and beautiful, but it actually looks like the Funniest Thing Ever. There's only one man that's legitimately allowed to sparkle, and Robert Pattinson is no David Bowie by any means. That's what the "skin of a killer" looks like, apparently. But I don't recall ever seeing Freddy Kreuger fucking sparkle.

And talking of funny, the special effects rival Smallville in terms of all-out shittiness. Particularly, the “running” effect, cracked me up several times, as did one scene where Edward scuttles up a tree like a big gay squirrel. If only this was the worst part of Twilight. The very, very worst part of Twilight is the vampire baseball scene. Even saying it out loud sounds stupid. But on film, it is even stupider. Some might call it a victimless crime, but this bollocks manages to drag a Muse song down with it. Twilight nearly ruined Supermassive Black Hole. Fucking vampire baseball.

As far as teen romances go, Twilight represents an all new low. Sure, it’ll keep teenage girls and fans of the book happy, but it really is a lowest-common denominator piece of bullshit with all the artistic merit of a Calvin Klein advert.

To rate this like a normal movie would be to acknowledge its existence as a normal, decent movie. So it scores a record*


*Well, record as long as you've never visited CHUD.com

7 comments:

  1. How about, FUCK YOU YOU GODDAMN CUM GUZZLING MOTHERFUCKING SHIT FOR BRAINS PICE OF CRAP THAT I WOULDNT PISS IN IF I HADNT FUCKING GONE FOR A WEEK WHT DONT YOU JUST SHUCK THE FUCK UP IF IT WAS THAT BAD WHY DIDNT YOU JUST KILL YOURSELF AFTER WATCHING IT?

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  2. Woah there, fucky. Disengage the caps lock, reactivate your Twilight-addled brain, and drink a nice warm glass of shut-the-fuck-up, eh?

    Sterling as your argument is (and ALL CAPITALS, no apostrophes, unimaginative swearing & bad spelling is an excellent display of debating skills - I salute you there, sir) I don't tend to off myself every time I watch a shitty movie. Thanks for your input, but by your own logic, IF YOU DIDNT LIKE THIS REVIEW THEN WHY NOT KILL YOURSELF AFTER READING IT?

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  3. I have a vague notion I lost 50 I.Q points by watching this movie ....

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  4. i lost way more than 50... i went retarded for a week.

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  5. I've tried to write a review for ages now, even subjected myself to watching this godforsaken piece of crap several times.... but all that stayed with me was the impression of feeling my brain simmer into pinkish-grey goo.

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  7. What's creepier than tween girls eating this shit up? Adult women eating this shit up. Fucking hell. Have a little respect for yourself. And *vampire baseball*? It sounds like something from an episode of The Munsters. Which of course I'm sure Stephenie Myers has never heard of.

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