Jingle Bells, Batman Smells (like shitty kids' cologne)

What do you wager The Goddamn Batman smells like? My first guess would have been sweat, energy drinks and shark-repellent Bat spray. Turns out I'm wrong, if his Dark Knight eau de toilette (probably French for toilet water) is anything to go by. It's little wonder that Rachel Dawes wanted fuck all to do with him in The Dark Knight, since his choice of personal fragrance leaves much to be desired. If this is the sort of shit that Wayne Enterprises is putting out now, well I'm not surprised Dark Knight's biggest competitors are Eau De Fear Gas and Eau De Smilex. I found Dark Knight in this shop, packaged inbetween some Incredible Hulk bath towels and a Scooby Doo cologne:

Literally anything for 99p. This is truly the golden age of consumerism

The 99p Store(s). For ninety nine pennies you can own a squirty toilette spray with a comic book/cartoon character on it. Also of interest - 18 condoms, Indiana Jones colouring books, rusks, a cup of pick n' mix, cup a' soup, microwaveable burgers, crappy STD DVDs, even crappier softcore porn, shaving razors, tennis rackets for your Nintendo Wii, energy drinks, batteries, chewing gum, chapsticks and even tampons. With as little as £10, a man can feel like a billionaire in the 99p Store(s). Anyway, as both a massive nerd and a fan of smelling nice, you can imagine my delight at finding Dark Knight. I think this exact panel from The Widening Gyre went through my mind:

Yes, you too can stink like shitty Kevin Smith dialogue.

She is really saying that Batman gave her eleven orgasms. And yes, my mind assumed that wearing Dark Knight would give me the ability to satisfy women too. It doesn't exactly say that, but he bumf on the packaging reads that Dark Knight smells "like fruit" and contains cinnamon and water. Can't say I'd pictured Batman smelling at all fruity or of cinnamon and water, but hey, maybe that's why all the ladies like him. I was also a little disappointed by the lack of a real glass bottle inside. There's just a little plastic squirty bottle with a picture of Batman on it. Still, ever the optimist, I gave it a go.

Also vomit inducing: my face. Sorry about that

At first, Dark Knight is pleasantly sweet and fruity. Not at all bad. A bit like water and cinnamon. And then it kicks in and it is all bad and it doesn't let up. Dark Knight smells like sweet piss. Dark Knight made me smell like a paedophile. It made my shirt smell so bad that I had to walk around for 3 hours in -2 temperature wearing a t-shirt. Dark Knight smells - well, like you'd imagine how Chris O' Donnell's Robin might have smelled, or, at a push, like Adam West's boudoir. Dark Knight is Joel Schumacher's favourite cologne. Grant Morrisson was probably definitely high on the fumes of Dark Knight when he wrote Batman RIP and that time travel thing that I don't understand. It makes even less sense that they put the Christian Bale iteration of Batman on the bottle. If Christian Bale smelled like that shit, nobody would take him seriously, sound man or otherwise. Dark Knight is literally the second-worst thing I have ever stunk of. Just behind that one time in a nightclub when I vomited all over myself. It's not even suitable for children. If my child wore Dark Knight, I'd lock him in a fucking shed. Because I'm not done thinking up punchlines yet: Dark Knight makes comic book fanboys smell worse than they already do.

The true origin of The Joker: dropped into a vat of that shit.

If you really hate yourself, the Ozone layer and those around you that much, you can find Dark Knight in a 99p Store near you. Or on ebay. Or a post-Christmas dustbin.

Someone, I think, is telling porkies. No prize for spotting the lie in the below headline:

Actually, yes, there is a prize: a bottle of Dark Knight Eau De Toilette. Because I certainly don't want mine. Anyway, in summary, Dark Knight stinks. It stinks not just literally, but also figuratively and meta-figuratively (no, I'm not sure if that's a thing either). Good luck with giving anyone eleven orgasms whilst wearing that arsewash. I can't even get my cat to come near me, let alone a bloody Catwoman.

My favourite movies of 2010

Happy New Year, blogosphere. Because I'm unimaginitive and lazy and hungover, here's The Horror Review Hole's official ten favourite movies of 2010. It's not all horror and I have terrible taste and there's some stuff I never got to see. I'm sorry, by the way. The Human Centipede is on this list. I seem to remember liking Daybreakers at the time, but in retrospect, it's not very good, is it? Actually, neither was the movie that kicks off this list. If only I'd seen Splice or Predators. I suspect this thing would have been a helluva lot easier to write.

10. The Expendables: For all of its not-good-ness, it has Stallone going toe-to-toe with Stone Cold Steve Austin and Jet Li kerfuffling with Dolph Lundgren. Also, Terry Crews. (Reviewed here)

9. The Crazies: Not quite as good on repeat viewings, but still a pretty effective zombie horror thriller thing with some good jump moments and lots of Timothy Olyphant. (Reviewed here and here)

8. The Human Centipede: I think I remember saying somewhere that 2010 was the year of The Human Centipede, so I suppose it has to be on this list really, doesn't it? (Look here)

7. The Taint: An incredible tour-de-force of violence, gore, spunk and everything that makes horror good. (It's over here)

6. Scott Pilgrim vs The World: A fun, funny, funky film with lashings of wit, charm, romance and great performances from some unlikely sources. The second most heartwarming thing you'll see all year.

5. The Disappearance Of Alice Creed: Made in 2009 but released (in the UK) in April '10. An extremely tense, uncompromising thriller with an impressive performance from Gemma Arterton at its heart. Almost makes up for Prince Of Persia. (Find Alice Creed here)

4. Inception: Christopher Nolan's Matrix mindfuck movie.

3. Shutter Island: Leonardo's second entry on this list. I guess Mister Titanic must be becoming good in his dotage. Scorsese does horror. Nuff said. The book's pretty good too.

2. A Town Called Panic: No Toy Story 3 here, no Sir Bob. A Town Called Panic is a low-budget little French feature which sees a Cowboy, an Indian and a Horse attempt to recover their stolen house from undersea thieves. Their journey takes them from Arctic Tundras to the centre of the Earth. The most heartwarming thing you'll see all year and quite simply all-around brilliant.

1. Kick-Ass: Kick ass. (Kick some more ass here and here)

Happy New Year all, and thanks for reading.