Director: Daniel Maze (2009)
Starring: Steve Guttenberg, James Duval, Peter Story
The exclamation mark was not my idea. It's in the actual title of the film. I should point that out because exclamation marks offend me and I wouldn't want anyone to think that I was the sort of person who used exclamation marks in his writing. True story: nothing ever printed with an exclamation mark in it has ever been worth reading in the history of ever. Not even Shakespeare.
That said, if I were ever to use an exclamation mark, this review would be the place. Because Cornered! stars Steve Guttenberg (!) In other news, I've just decided that exclamation marks are fine when accompanied by parenthesis. I don't think I would ever have watched Cornered! if it didn't star Steve Guttenberg. What, I wondered, is the star of Police Academy up to these days? Well, if Cornered! is anything to go by, Steve Guttenberg is a little down on his luck. I suppose you can't blame a guy for killing time while he waits for an inevitable Police Academy reboot.
Some people (not including Guttenberg, who mostly disappears after a
two-minute cameo) play poker in a dingy apartment above their boss's grocery store. Said people include the asshole boss, his crackhead nephew, a fat security guard, a hooker and a sex-line operator. They swap uninteresting banter for a while before the movie's serial killer arrives to kill everyone.
Aside from the fact that Steve Guttenberg is in a couple of scenes, Cornered! is an utterly unmemorable slasher movie. It's antagonist is derivative and dull - reminiscent of The Collector and too many other recent horror baddies - whilst the rest of the characters are both annoying and uninteresting at the same time. Its hero is a fat security guard ala Paul Blart: Mall Cop, but the script isn't clever or funny enough to work this underdeveloped concept.
Without Steve Guttenberg, Cornered! is an unfunny, boring whimper of a horror/comedy. The horror isn't scary and the comedy isn't funny. The ending is predictable. Neither the acting nor the direction ever raises above being mildly competent. Steve Guttenberg looks utterly bored, and he's only around for ten minutes or so. I know the feeling, times nine.