Death Note (2017)

Director: Adam Wingard (2017)
Starring: Nat Wolff, Lakeith Stanfield, Margaret Qualley
Find it: IMDb, Netflix!

Having never seen the original Japanese Death Note movies, or anime upon which it is based, I was more inclined to like this remake than most. I have enjoyed almost everything director Adam Wingard has done thus far (his through-the-motions Blair Witch reboot aside) and love the various bits of Death Note imagery I have seen pop up throughout my years on the Internet.

And Wingard's Americanised remake starts off well, wasting no time, with the mystical notebook literally falling from the sky to the feet of young Light Turner (Max Landis lookalike Wolff) in the very first scene. Not even ten minutes later, Light meets death god Ryuk (Jason Liles, with the voice and mo-cap face of Willem Dafoe), in a brilliantly chilling, fun scene. As the first death-by-note unfolds in a wonderfully gory Final Destination fashion, I found myself digging Death Note, and settling in for a good time.

And then, the rest of the movie. In a world in which Columbine and Sandy Hook happened (fuck you Alex Jones) and the threat of bitter, bullied loners becoming school shooters remains a clear and present danger, Light using Ryuk/the death note on bullies, teachers and classmates was never a viable option. Especially not with the majority of the cast white-Americanised, as they are here. And especially especially not with Wolff's unfortunate resemblance to a certain Aurora cinema shooter.* And so Light unleashes the power upon criminals, dictators and the FBI Most Wanted list, like an omnipotent version of the Punisher. After hooking up with crush Mia (Qualley), the pair create a pretentious alter ego for themselves, claiming anonymous responsibility for their crimes.

All of which would be fabulous if their behaviour felt in any way natural or plausible. Unfortunately, the writing consistently depicts the pair as winging-it amateur hour psychopaths, both enjoying their crimes way too much but never properly explaining why they bother to go after criminals. The weak dead mom bit doesn't count, and we're left wondering why they don't just go murder the bullies and classmates that piss them off daily, like the petty monsters they patently are. The writing can't settle on what it wants Light to be, so it flails between conflicted hero and murderous villain, not convincing in either department. And Mia - painted as the more evil of two evils - is even worse.

The bulk of the film is filled with an un-engaging game of cat and mouse between the idiot and a weirdo, Stanfield's masked, hooded detective 'L' jumping on tables, swatting shit onto the floor all the time (they really took the 'cat' part literally) and never stopping Light, even though he knows precisely who he is and what he is responsible for. The viewer is supposed to be conflicted in this battle between detective, criminal and criminal's girlfriend, and we are - but for the wrong reasons. I hated all three of them so much that I didn't want to see anyone succeed in getting what they wanted. Except, maybe, for Ryuk, who wants to ditch Light and give the book to someone who isn't a complete loser.

Frustrating flashes of Wingard's usual pizzazz keep the film at least watchable throughout. As previously mentioned, the first ten minutes are legitimately great, and there's a fun chase sequence during the back half, leading into a clever, flashy finale which re-ignites the flagging viewer interest. In a movie in which everyone else is terrible, Dafoe and Shea Wigham get all the good stuff, even if the former's time is mostly limited to eating apples and making threats.

And Ryuk looks awesome, glowering from the shadows and spookily observing all over Light's shoulder. But Ryuk has always looked awesome, and will continue to do so in the original movies and anime - all which would doubtlessly be a better use of one's time than this rushed, uneven, disappointing remake. Death Nope, thanks.

*Not Max Landis

The Great Wall

Director: Zhang Yimou (2016)
Starring: Matt Damon, Pedro Pascal, Tian Jing
Find it: IMDB

As film fans and frequent cinemagoers, we've all experienced it. You weren't exactly excited to see it, and were lukewarm on the idea at best. Perhaps you were coerced along by a friend or significant other. A film you didn't not want to see, but wouldn't go out of your way to sit through either. Sometimes it works out just fine, a pleasant surprise. Other times, you check your watch ten minutes into the film and pray for the fucking thing to be over already. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of The Great Wall.

As a rule, CGI monsters and I do not get on. If there are hordes of them, and they're computer animated, chances are, I do not give a shit about them. Whether they be zombies (World War Z), Sharknados (Sharknado), Transformers, Transformers 2s, Transformers 3s, Transformers 4s, Transformers dinosaurs, actual dinosaurs (Jurassic World), Orcs (The Hobbit) or generic ugly shits (everything else), if they're in it, there's a high possibility I couldn't care less about them or your movie.

Not unless you can back it up with good character work.  There's a reason the boring Chitauri and Ultron-bots of The Avengers and its sequel didn't make that list of whining - and that's mostly due to the characters, writing and performances elsewhere. In The Great Wall, almost everything is as muggy as the visuals. And the visuals are pretty damn muggy (save for the admittedly excellent costume design). Most muggy and indistinct of all though, is Matt Damon's grumbling, bored performance.

Here he plays a man who has a particular talent for killing monsters - something he does far better than the soldiers of The Great Wall, whose literal job and meaning in life is specifically and only killing monsters. The film throws its non-Matt Damon heroes the odd bone here and there, but it is precisely the Great White Saviour movie that it appears to be. It may not be quite as whitewashed as many had feared, but it is condescending and lazy. I can hardly begrudge Pedro Pascal and Willem Dafoe the work and screentime though, as they're the only fun to be had in it. Tian Jing shoulders co-lead (ish - very ish) next to Damon, but is as wooden and uninteresting as he is, making the majority of their scenes a bore.

Even (especially) the monsters are of the dull, grey, semi-dinosaur variety, and can only be killed by Matt Damon, Deus Ex Magneto, and Cliche. It's a combination of the three which win out in an astoundingly predictable CGI finale - leaving me begging for writers to start tearing certain pages out of the 'Alien Invasion' playbook, and look for a new way of defeating the monstrous horde for once. Ironically, the creatures' most effective sequence is one in which they're barely seen, shrouded in mist and attacking from the shadows.

By drowning the film in grey and brown CGI sludge, The Great Wall loses sight of what should be its greatest asset - you know, The Great Wall. I wasn't expecting full-on Crash Bandicoot: Warped, but Slightly More Colourful Game of Thrones does neither the Wall or the film any favours. Beijing looks slightly better, but never once does it feel like a real place - and certainly not an inhabited one, with stakes we should care about.

Well, at least Pedro Pascal is having fun. The only character without a predictable arc and, crucially, a smile, his charismatic mercenary almost makes The Great Wall worth suffering through, and his double-act with Willem Dafoe (typecast, but fine) gives the film a much-needed sense of comic relief. And, for all the CGI misfortune, at least the 3D is pretty good. It sounds awesome too (although I am a sucker for traditional Chinese folk music). And the scene with the paper lanterns is genuinely moving.

It's these glimpses of goodness make the film even more disappointing - that there's maybe a good movie buried somewhere beneath the rubble of The Great Wall. That movie has more imaginative monsters (like Attack the Block, but on The Great Wall) and doesn't have Matt Damon in it. This hypothetical movie lets the Great Wall actually look great, gives its Chinese actors something substantial to do, and doesn't flub its ending.

Hypothetical or no, it can keep Pedro Pascal though. All movies need more Pedro Pascal.