Hush

Director: Mark Tonderai (2009)

Starring: Will Ash, Christina Bottomley,

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK

Bickering British couple Zakes (Will Ash) and Beth (Christina Bottomley) are distracted from their romantic troubles when Beth is kidnapped from a motorway service station, leaving Zakes to rescue her.

Like Haute Tension without much tension or Breakdown without The Kurt Russell, Hush is a formulaic, miserable little Brit-horror that struggles to stand up next to even Roadkill. And that movie had Paul Walker in it.

The problem is, we’ve seen so much of it before. Zakes notices a kidnap victim in the back of a big white truck on the motorway, and decides to follow, therefore alerting the kidnapper and drawing his wrath (Jeepers Creepers). After he bickers with girlfriend Beth, she disappears (Breakdown), leaving Zakes to chase the truck down the motorway, up until the kidnapper decides to get rid of his pesky pursuer (culminating in a bathroom stalk-and-chase similar to that seen in Haute Tension and probably half the horror movies you’ve ever seen). The movie climaxes in what looks like the killer from Wolf Creek’s hideout. And then, you’ll switch off your DVD player with a feeling of disgusted boredom not dissimilar to the aftermath of having watched The Hitcher remake…

But the difference between this and those movies is that Hush is British, and so therefore it always seems to be raining and everyone is fucking miserable. Being a straight Brit-horror, this means that the tone and cinematography is grimy, depressing and utterly humourless throughout.

The script is naff, and the acting not much better. None of the characters are particularly likeable; Zakes is a dedicated slacker, Beth a whingeing, cheating sulk. Her being kidnapped leads to a little arc in their relationship (Zakes has to work at something for once in his life) but you’ll probably hate them both too much to care anyway.

There are a few nice little touches and twists, albeit nothing spectacular. The killer works, and the cat-and-mouse bit at the end is done rather well. But sadly, the rest of the movie is all too average, and let down by its unlikeable characters and pedestrian acting.

2/5 screaming Scream Queens!!!

Diagnosis: Death

Diagnosed with terminal arse cancer, Andre (Raybon Kan) and fellow cancer sufferer Juliet (Jessica Grace Smith) are sent to spend the weekend undergoing medical trials at a locked-down facility, under the watchful eye of sinister Nurse Bates. As they are pumped full of experimental drugs (or, perhaps, placebos) the pair experience a variety of horrifying visions and nightmares. Are they simply hallucinating, or are more supernatural elements at play here?

With Diagnosis: Death billed as the ‘Flight of the Conchords’ horror movie, many will no doubt be disappointed to find that the Concords hardly appear at all (and likewise, non-fans will be pleased to discover that the movie is watchable to those who can't bear the duo); hairy Jemaine Clement is relegated to a cameo at the beginning, whilst Rhys Darby is in but a paltry two scenes, book-ending the film. Bret McKenzie appears throughout, but is but a bit-player in the major scheme of things. So the ‘Flight of the Conchords movie’ doesn’t really star the Flight of the Conchords. And nor is it, as the blurb proclaims, ‘as funny as Shaun of the Dead’ or ‘as horrific as Severance’. But enough of what Diagnosis: Death isn’t. Because this is its own beast entirely.

Part J-Horror riff, part daft romcom, Diagnosis: Death is as delightfully odd as the Conchords’ equally brilliant TV sitcom. The humour is subtle and deadpan throughout, whilst the horror is slight but effective. All of the cast do fine jobs (particularly Suze Tye as the surprisingly scary – and also entirely alluring – Nurse Bates). This reviewer may have also have fallen a little bit in love with the adorable Jessica Grace Smith. Raybon Kan does a sterling job as the male lead. The movie’s real star, however, is its witty and clever script (Rhys Darby’s doctor offers the terminally ill Andre a refund if he manages to live longer than the initial prognosis).

The movie’s slightly kooky tone might not suit everyone’s tastes, however, as the emphasis tends to focus more on the growing love of Andre and Juliet, leaving some of the horror stuff to the wayside. It’s a surprisingly sweet and touching story but, indeed, the ‘ghost story’ is Diagnosis: Death’s biggest misstep. The villain’s doesn’t really seem to be much of a motive, and it’s all a bit predictable for the more jaded of viewers.

Again, the advertisements might proclaim this to be ‘horrific’ and inspired by early Peter Jackson, but there’s hardly any gore at all (apart from a couple of good gags in the latter stages), but if you can get over what Diagnosis: Death isn’t, you may just have fun with what it is.

And, while we’re at it… “Prescription: Well, nothing, you’re dead.” Best tagline. Ever.

4/5 screaming Scream Queens!!!