The Horror Review Hole

Director: Lars von Trier (2013)
Starring: Charlotte Gainsbourg, Stellan Skarsgard, Jamie Bell
Find it: IMDB

'Always go darker' is the general rule most films abide by when making a sequel or second volume of a story. This is true enough of Nymph()maniac: Volume II, which begins to explore the less pleasant elements of Joe's sex addiction (yes, even less pleasant than being bummed by a disinterested Shia LaBeouf). No longer able to achieve orgasm, the now-married Joe (Gainsbourg) is given permission by husband Jerome (LaBeouf) to try elsewhere. This she does, to the detriment of her marriage, health and general well-being.

Volume II introduces us to Jamie Bell's 'K', a sadistic BDSM maestro who shows fan-fiction wanker Christian Grey up for the vanilla pie he really is. As with LaBeouf and Slater, this is the best I've ever seen Bell, the act laying to rest his Billy Elliot ballet shoes once and for all. A relatively small part, it nevertheless ushers in Nymph()maniac's even darker sensibilities, spelling bad times ahead for poor nympho Joe.

Like Kill Bill: Volume II before it, the fun and the action (albeit a different kind of action) is toned down to make way for more dialogue, more metaphor and deeper pondering. Is von Trier 'slut shaming' his heroine here by having her so battered and defeated during this second volume? Or is it instead (as is suggested through the dialogue) a noble attempt at feminism, leaving its protagonist to be ultimately admired? Granted, feminism is not a word you'd usually apply to a film which depicts a man punching a lady square in the face, but von Trier is a filmmaker whose work tends to defy classification. Fluffy pink handcuffs this is not.

Nymph()maniac is the sort of film you either love or hate. It's long, pretentious and dubious in its sexual politics. It's also gratuitous, depressing and potentially very offensive to a lot of people. Forget about love; I adored it.

Director: Lars von Trier (2013)
Starring: Charlotte Gainsbourg, Stellan Skarsgard, Shia LaBeouf
Find it: IMDB

You don't get much more pretentious than a four hour sex movie directed by a man with the affectation 'von' in his name. Split into two volumes, Nymp()maniac is Lars von Trier's Kill Bill. It is also precisely as pretentious as you would expect it to be. Employing such typical Trier techniques as splitting the film into chapters, portraying scenes of semi-hardcore sex and getting Charlotte Gainsbourg to take her clothes off a lot, this isn't a film for casual cinema-goers. Tune in expecting Transformers level Shia LaBeouf and you will be sorely fucking disappointed. Or thoroughly relieved, depending upon your perspective.

That said, it's a shame LaBeouf - or LaBuff, in this case - isn't famous anymore, since this is the best I have ever seen him. Not even the "eh, he wasn't too bad" of Lawless compares - Shit The Beef (or LaBeefcake) is genuinely, legitimately excellent in Nymph()maniac. The same goes for Christian Slater, who is good in theory, but has actually been in very few decent films over the course of his disappointing career. Here, he portrays the film's most sympathetic character and gives the story its tenderest moments. If the cast's two worst actors are excellent in this film, then it speaks volumes as to how good everyone else is in it.

When lonely scholar Seligman (Skarsgard) finds a woman savagely beaten in the alleyway by his home, he picks the poor dear up and shepherds her indoors to recover. Tucked up in bed, Joe (Gainsbourg) recounts her story, giving patient listener Seligman her account of a humble nymphomaniac and how she came to be beaten up and left, battered and bruise, in an alleyway. The story she tells will put hair on your chest. It's little wonder Skarsgard took all of his clothes off and went mad for Thor 2, listening to this bizarre, explicit tale.

Telling the story of Joe's life, from childhood to her marriage, Volume I covers a lot of ground - most of it disturbing and slightly unsavoury, but staged well enough that you'll experience the requisite downstairs stirrings if you're of an open enough mind. Volume I's highlights include oral sex on a train, a hysterical Uma Thurman and Seligman talking about fishing all the time (metaphors, see). The most powerful moments, surprisingly, come from Christian Slater while, well, there's a lot of shagging elsewhere. It's bizarre, disturbing and sexy in a way that only a Lars von Trier film can be. All that, and a Rammstein soundtrack too.