Nurse 3D

Director: Douglas Aarniokoski (2013)
Starring: Paz de la Huerta, Katrina Bowden, Kathleen Turner
Find it: IMDB

But not viewed in 3D, because fuck off am I watching anything that doesn't have piranhas or murderous miners in it in 3D. In Nurse, which is a popular thing that people wanted to see apparently, a murderous nurse spends her evenings offing adulterous bastard men, like some sort of kinky anti-cheating Punisher. Things get complicated when she befriends colleague Danni (Bowden), who doesn't look so kindly upon her man-murdering ways. Melodrama ensues... in 3D!

Part stylish thriller, part steamy European slasher, all Lionsgate, Nurse (3D!) takes a strong female cast, promising concept, excellent visuals and clever writing, then promptly wastes the lot of them. A terrible central performance and sub-Robert Rodriguez level directing make Nurse (3D!) one of the more irritating horror films I've ever seen... in 3D! Except not in 3D, because, you know, fuck off am I watching anything that doesn't have Judge Dredd in it in 3D. As the titular nurse, Paz de la Huerta makes the first half a chore to watch, her monotone line delivery and dull pout doing nothing for the character or the film. Compare this with Katharine Isabelle in American Mary, making all the difference in an otherwise bland and overhyped film. A decent lead performer like Isabelle could have earned Nurse at least an extra star. As it is, much of the film hangs on de la Huerta's performance, which all but kills it dead.

Bowden does a better job as doe-eyed Danni, shouldering the rest of the movie when evil Abby isn't around. Sadly, as Aarniokoski isn't particularly interested in much more than shooting her in various states of lingerie, that doesn't leave her with a great deal of material to play with. In a film concerned with murdering the hell out of cheating, sleazy men, Nurse spends an awful lot of time leering at Huerta and Bowden (in 3D!) rather than bothering to craft anything worthwhile. There are a few oiled male abdomens though, evening the score slightly. At least the film perks up in the last half hour - its scenes of bloodshed and carnage livening up the action with a great fight scene and some wonderful gore.

Good visuals and genuinely witty script aside, one can't help but feel that Nurse would have been better off in the hands of prime De Palma or Larry Cohen. Aarniokoski manages the gore and the nudity well enough, but everything else feels disappointingly flat. As a sedative, it's better than Night Nurse.

Joy Ride 3: Roadkill

Director: Declan O' Brien (2014)
Starring: Ken Kirzinger, Jesse Hutch, Ben Hollingsworth
Find it: IMDB

Fun* fact, fact fans: Joy Ride 3's subtitle, 'Roadkill' was actually the UK title of the first film. I don't know what the second film was called because, frankly, I didn't even know it existed until literally two days ago. Even that was a deductive process, cleverly worked out due to the fact I was holding a film called Joy Ride 3 in my hands.

This will be one of the more flawed reviews I've ever written in that I can remember maybe three or four things about the film, mere hours after watching it. Say what you will about Joy Ride (Roadkill, if you live in early 2000s' England) - at least I remember watching it. This straight to DVD sequel tells a similar story, with angry trucker Rusty Nail (ex-Jason Voorhees Ken Kirzinger) on the trail of a gang of kids who've managed to piss him off somehow. Poor Rusty; dude just can't catch a break, with all three films being predicated on stupid kids somehow fucking with his shit. It's a wonder he ever manages to get any trucking done, with damn kids winding the poor bastard up all the time. Although, just a suggestion: if maybe he stopped using his CB radio as the trucker equivalent to saucydates.com, or whatever the kids these days are using to meet one night stands, maybe he'd get more work done.

The kids in question this time are a gang of pretty young things driving a souped up rally car to their next race. After getting on Rusty's bad side, the vengeful trucker sets about pursuing the lot of them across the desert, occasionally pausing to stop for a spot of torture or nastiness. Way to prove Jeremy Clarkson right about all truckers being assholes, asshole.

That said, what sort of half-arsed serial killer trucker doesn't even keep good gagging tape in his cab?

Image stolen from wherever the watermark says I stole it from.

The specifics, sadly, are beyond me. While Joy Ride 3 is gorier, nastier and more vicious than the first film ever was, it's also completely unmemorable. Kirzinger may have the physical presence, but he lacks the gravitas and intensity of Ted Levine. The rest of the cast, while adequate, are as forgettable as the rest of the movie. It's essentially a low-budget, frequently nasty version of Duel The Hitcher the first movie. Ultimately, Joy Ride 3 is about as fun as that suggests.*

* Not fun