Judge Dredd

No, he isn't.

Director: Danny Cannon (1995)

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Armand Assante, Rob Schneider

Find it: IMDB

With the reportedly not-bad Karl Urban chinned Dredd imminent, Sly Stallone's infamous 1995 adaptation no longer stings quite so much. It's still a stinky hunk of dystopian dung, but like Batman & Robin in the wake of Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, it feels a little more harmless now. Danny Cannon's Judge Dredd makes perhaps the biggest mistake a comic book movie can - it makes the thing less about the character and more a star vehicle. In this case, the star is Sylvester Stallone and the vehicle is a Lawmaster with a pissy seat.

Despite having the body and chin for the job, Stallone couldn't be more wrong for the role of Judge Joseph Dredd. He spends a total of ten minutes wearing the (fibreglass) helmet. Comic book Dredd has spent nearly 40 years wearing it, and we've still not seen his face. Not that it really matters in this case. Stallone in the helmet looks like Sylvester Stallone in a helmet. We all know what Sylvester Stallone looks like. 

In the year 2139, what remains of the world has been split up into 'Mega Cities', which are ruled by fascistic "Judges" - tough guys with the authoritah to arrest or execute criminals on the spot. Judge, Jury and Executioner as it were. Judge Dredd (Stallone) is the very best of the Judges. He establishes his dominance by saying things like "I am the law", which is fine, and "I knew you were gonna say that," which is not fine. Judge Dredd has more catchphrases than Little Britain, none of which are in any way amusing. As mumbled by Stallone, he sounds more like Marion Cobretti in a stupid fibreglass helmet than Judge Dredd.

As if the bastardisation of Dredd himself wasn't enough, Rob Schneider and Diane Lane are on hand as comic relief and love interest, respectively. Lane does okay as Judge Hershey (although someone a little stronger might have been better, such as Sigourney Weaver) but there's no excusing Rob Schneider. I'm a massive Rob Schneider apologist (I actually love his Big Stan) but his pissing all over the back seat of Judge Dredd's (flying) bike is indefensible. 

Armand Assante does better as clone brother Rico Dredd (who doesn't look like Dredd or Fargo, the man they are both clones of) but isn't given much to work with. It's standard villain fare, and the finale is more than a little reminiscent of Stallone's own Demolition Man. Despite the silliness, some of the characters do actually look the part - particularly the Angel Gang (one of whom is Hershel from off've The Walking Dead) and ABC Warriors' Hammerstein. The Angel Gang sequence is actually pretty good, even if it is disappointing that they don't eat Schneider. Hammerstein looks good but lacks any personality whatsoever. Which is a pretty accurate summary of the rest of the film, actually. Mega City One looks great; exactly as I'd imagined it reading the comics. It's very Blade Runner influenced, but that's no bad thing. Likewise, the opening bit is a lot of fun and a solid introduction to the character. Unfortunately, it's all spoiled as soon as Judge Dredd takes off the helmet.

Judge Dredd is an awful film, a missed opportunity and terrible waste of the character. Thankfully, this year's reboot looks to undo at least some of that hurt. With that in mind, maybe we can enjoy Judge Dredd on another level or two, like Batman & Robin or Daredevil. Ironically enjoyable? I knew you were gonna say that.

[REC] Genesis

Director: Paco Plaza (2012)
Starring: Leticia Dolera, Diego Martin, John Sponge
Find it: IMDB

'And now', as Monty Python would put it, 'for something completely different.' It's no exaggeration when I say that [REC] is possibly my favourite found footage horror movie of all time. Although, seeing as I hate most of the others, that's not saying much. It's also one of my favourite zombie films of all time. The sequel, whilst mostly more of the same, is very good too. Given the bombshell which [REC] 2 left us with, this prequel drops the ball enormously. In fact, it's almost the most disappointing threequel of 2012.

[REC] Genesis doesn't have Tom Hardy doing an accent that I literally laughed at every time he came on-screen. It doesn't have a man's spine being repaired with rope and a hole. It doesn't even have a completely predictable ending which is telegraphed miles in advance. No, it has a man called John Sponge (who is actually dressed as a sponge) and a protagonist doing his best Inigo Montoya impression. For the purposes of this prequel, [REC] Genesis is transformed into a comedy-horror hybrid, whether the cap fits or not. Not once is Genesis as scary or even mildly unsettling as its predecessors. I love comedy horror (it's perhaps my favourite brand of horror) but only when it makes sense. Granted, this review is but a smokescreen for my unpopular opinions regarding The Dark Knight Rises, but I was still quite disappointed.    

Were it not for the [REC] brand, I would have loved Genesis. It's cruel, insanely gory, stupid and there are even chainsaws. It's not even a bad movie. There are some funky Spanish songs accompanying the violence, and the central romance is genuinely quite sweet. All in all, it sounds like a recipe for a horror movie I'm guaranteed to love. But I watched [REC] Genesis hoping to see a [REC] film. If I wanted to see a silly knockoff, I'd watch Quarantine 2 again*. Who knew that, outside of the infamous Barcelona apartment block, there was a goofy horror comedy going on. Talk about that reporter lady being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Those less enamoured with the franchise as I might enjoy Genesis. It's better than a lot of new zombie horror  releases out there, and even manages to be quite inventive at times. But as a successor (or precursor) to two of the best horror movies of recent years, it's bloody useless.

* I wouldn't. Nothing could ever make me watch Quarantine 2 again.