An Easter Special: The Passion of the Christ

Spoiler: he comes back at the end.

Mel Gibson’s The Passion of the Christ is the Aussie actor/director’s first foray into the area of torture porn. In fact, whilst many might credit Eli Roth with reinventing the subgenre for a modern, mainstream audience, Passion is proof that Mel got there first. And whereas Roth only had an annoying stereotypical gaggle of idiot teenagers being tortured, Gibson went and murdered head honcho Jesus himself. Talk about ambition. You gotta respect a man for that.

Still, and I digress. It’s wrong on so many levels to call The Passion of the Christ ‘torture porn’, since I you’d have to be a serious sadist Devil-worshipping motherfucker to get off on the torture of Jesus. Like I said, talk about ambition. And Gibson wisely manages to avoid most of the subgenre's overfamilar tropes. For one, there's no ballgags. And the bad guys aren't shady European types, but authentic Roman soldiers (or Jews, depending on how you take the movie's hard-to-miss inferred subtexts).

But whilst it may have Romans and the prolonged torture of a Mister Jesus Christ going for it, Gibson’s Passion is an otherwise pretty dull movie. There’s no plot, and it’s a story that’s been told many times before. Aside from some intense, cringeworthy gore, it’s hard to see what this movie could offer anyone. There’s not even any titties. Eli Roth would’ve included some titties. The Passion of the Christ is thoroughly lacking any decent titties, whilst there’s far too much male nudity. Who wants to see scrawny hairy Jim Caviezel in his posing pouch? They could’ve at least hired a looker like Timothy Olyphant. The Passion of the Christ is full of missed opportunities. They have a prostitute played by Monica Belucci, and she doesn’t even fuck anyone. Just what is the point? You'd expect a movie by Mel "sugartits" Gibson to be a bit more sleazy than this is.

And talking of missed opportunities, the hero here is supposed to be the son of God (and as such has a bunch of superpowers and can't die). The movie opens with him facing off with Satan before being betrayed by Judas (really? Gibson has his betrayer character called Judas? That shit’s nearly as lazy as ‘unobtanium’) and violently tortured/left for dead by the Romans. The stage is set for a Steven Seagal style showdown. Only not. Jesus just lets the fuckers torture and kill him. There’s no vengeance, no fight… nothing. What sort of message is that to send out to impressionable viewers? It's nihilistic and irresponsible. For proper handling of such themes, go watch Martyrs instead.

The Passion of the Christ isn’t all bad, just mostly so. The acting is good. Jim Caviezel and Monica Belucci can always be relied upon to give a good performance, and it’s no different here. And kudos to the pair of them for doing the whole thing in Aramaic (although Caviezel’s lines consist of little more than variations of “ow” and “aaaaaagh”, which is a bit of a cop out). Mel Gibson also gives a pretty good performance as a pair of hands, nailing Jesus to the cross. You really can’t tell that it’s Gibson, thanks to the fact that he’s not groping any boobs or clutching a vodka bottle at the time. It’s perhaps his best role to date.

But despite some good acting and groovy, gory special effects, The Passion of the Christ is really not worth getting exited about; let alone building a religion on. And as a remake of that Monty Python flick, it all out sucks. It gets 3/5 Screamers simply because it helped invent the modern 'torture porn' genre. And because Gibson had the sheer bollocks to do it with Jesus Christ himself. Happy Easter everyone.

Kick-Ass

Director: Matthew Vaughn (2010)

Starring: Aaron Johnson, Chloe Moertz, Nicolas Cage, Christopher Mintz-Plasse

Find it online: IMDB

Kick-Ass opens with a scene in which an Armenian fella in a superhero outfit jumps off’ve the roof of a high-rise building. As generally happens when people jump off’ve high-rise buildings, the Armenian fella ends up decidedly quite dead. This is all brought about by the existence of the titular Kick-Ass; a regular Joe student who decides to become a superhero.

Through the Daily Mail’s unbiased, apolitical eyes, we’re led to believe that Kick-Ass the movie will inspire a whole bunch of people jumping off’ve high-rise buildings. Kick-Ass, says the Daily Mail is “shamelessly irresponsible.” Because the cinemagoing public are little more than a flock of sheep idiots, expect to see masses of superheroes wandering the street. Apparently, those who enjoy Kick-Ass are incapable of differentiating fantasy from reality. As I write this review, I’m wearing spandex.

Back up a minute. Dave Lizewski (Johnson) is your typical high-school geek. He enjoys comic books, masturbating and hanging around at the local comic book store. He has friends, but goes largely unnoticed by the world. Inspired by his comic books and his own loneliness, Dave decides to become a superhero. Hey, we’ve all thought about it, right? As generally happens when one takes up such activities in the real world, Dave promptly gets his ass kicked and ends up in hospital. Way to glorify superheroing, Kick-Ass.

After getting thoroughly mashed up, Dave ends up with metal plates in his head and a bunch more fitted to his skeleton. Because Dave’s the consummate nerd, he immediately makes the Wolverine comparison. His nerve endings are fried too, meaning that Dave can take a hell of a beating before he finally drops. And over the course of Kick-Ass, Dave takes a great many beatings. Anyone who watches Kick-Ass and is inspired is an idiot. Kick-Ass and his imitators are all idiots, and the movie hammers this point home with every set piece. Anyway, Dave manages to save a chap from gang related violence and becomes a Youtube sensation, which sends his career into overdrive.

As the movie progresses, Dave meets more 'heroes' like himself. Namely, Big Daddy (Cage) and Hit Girl (Moertz). Like Batman & Robin crossed with the Punisher, Big Daddy and Hit Girl are everything Dave wants to be: the real deal. He also forms a sort-of alliance with Christopher Mintz-Plasse’s Red Mist. With such role models as Nic Cage and Mintz-Plasse, it’s little wonder the Mail are worried. Kick-Ass might just bring about an apocalypse of Nic Cage and McLovin imitators.

Despite the fact that Kick-Ass is the most evil movie ever made, it's my favourite comic book film since The Dark Knight and my favourite movie of 2010 so far. The story resembles the first two Spider-man flicks, but without any of the sequel's crushing dullness. The characters are all likeable and well-realised, so much so that you're behind Dave every step of the way. It's helped no end by a funny, witty script and excellent performances from most of the actors involved.

Yeah, I said most. Now, I'm a massive Nic Cage apologist, but his performance in Kick-Ass does nothing for me. He's channelling Adam West's Batman in his scenes as Big Daddy, but it never seems to really gel. Perhaps it would've made more sense to have him deliver a more gruff, Christian Bale style performance, since Big Daddy resembles that more than he does the West era Batman. Whatever, it's still worth it for his bizarre screaming and Wicker Man style hollering during the final half.

That said, I love his relationship with Hit-Girl as it's presented in the movie. Unlike Millar's comic, you get a genuine sense of father/daughter love, and it's this cute characterisation throughout that makes the movie work as well as it does. Even the ostensible bad guy (played by Mark Strong) is equal parts family man and tough guy.

Kick-Ass is such an awesome movie that I could write much more than I already have on how much and why I love it. The soundtrack is wonderful; reminiscent of a Tarantino production, and the cinematography is excellent. I love the costumes. I love Big Daddy & Hit Girl's origins segment. The fight scenes are masterfully done. I love the multitude of comic book references and geekery. I want to adopt Chloe Moertz. To be fair to the Daily Mail, Kick-Ass did make me want to become a superhero: but then, I'm an idiot.

If I have any quibbles, then it's with the way the final quarter or so is handled. It's one of the craziest and frenetic gunfights I've ever seen, but the realism aspect kinda goes out the window, and there's less emphasis on character than I'd have liked. But it works in its own way, and it leaves things open for an entirely welcome sequel.

That said, Kick-Ass is the most evil movie ever made and should definitely be banned. After all, it glorifies paedophilia (because every paedophile's fantasy is a foulmouthed gunslinging 10-year-old girl who carries a samurai sword), encourages people to jump off've buildings and probably mugged your nan to help cover the budget. I'm sure it was indirectly responsible for getting Princess Diana killed too. Just go read their review. It's infinitely more entertaining than anything I could ever hope to write.

You should definitely watch Kick-Ass now. And pay for it too, you torrent streaming cheapskates. Firstly, because I want that sequel made. But most importantly, because Kick-Ass pisses the Daily Mail off.