25. Black Christmas (1974)

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: Bob Clark (1974)
Starring: Margot Kidder, John Saxon, Olivia Hussey
Find it: IMDB

The Halloween of Christmas movies, in that I was as guaranteed to review this today as I was Halloween on October the 31st. Hey, it's Christmas. Why should I waste my time being original or having ideas when I could be eating chocolate or getting shitfaced. Besides, I'll take any opportunity to sing Black Christmas's praises as I can get. It's an underrated slasher gem and a Christmas mainstay in my DVD player. Black Christmas stars one of the greatest genre actors of all time alongside The One True Lois Lane herself. A creepy criminal harasses a sorority house at Christmas time, growling filth down the telephone until Margot Kidder gives him a taste of his own sweary medicine. 

It's a much darker, meaner movie than Halloween. In some ways, I prefer Black Christmas to John Carpenter's masterpiece. The understated Black Christmas is more stark, grimmer and it stars John Saxon. I find the atmosphere more chilling, a series of POV shots and telephone calls really setting the tone for things to come. Halloween was of course influenced by this minor classic, and it shows. Carpenter's use of the same techniques is more overtly stylised and cinematic, ramping up the tension and pace but feeling more cartoonish as a result. The deaths in Black Christmas feel more real. It's nearly as bloodless as Halloween, but I could have sworn that Black Christmas was gorier.  

In its plastic-bag-over-the-head routine is one of my favourite horror deaths of all time. The bagged corpse in the rocking chair is tremendously creepy. Then there's the House Mother being dragged up into the loft. True story folks, that's what me bringing girls back to my house after a night out looks like.

Elsewhere, John Saxon plays a very archetypal John Saxon character. Were it not for the fact he has a different name in this movie, he could well be playing Nightmare On Elm Street's Lt. Thompson during the day job. There's a disappointing lack of rollneck jumpers to Saxon's performance, but he does a sterling job all the same. Little moments, like his cracking up at the word 'fellatio' are just adorable. Doomed house mother Mrs. Mac (Miriam Waldman) is fun. But best of the bunch is Margot Kidder's permanently inebriated lush, Barb. She's almost as intimidating as the actual killer, chugging wine from the bottle and swearing like a trooper. My kinda girl. That she's relegated to a supporting role is a shame - she's a far more interesting character than Jess (Hussey). All Scream Queens should be as feisty as Barb, it'd make a lot of movies more interesting. Most slasher bastards would wet their knickers after a lashing from Barb's Barbed tongue (I'm looking at you, Leatherface). It's little wonder that Clark Kent was always too shy to ask her on a date. It's the same that Jess is so comparably dull, but she's no worse than any other Final Girl out there.

Black Christmas is a fantastic festive horror treat. A Christmas Cracker, if you will. Ho ho ho. Happy Christmas, y'all. Hope Santa got you all something nice. Maybe a less predictable joke.

24. Black Christmas (2006)

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: Glen Morgan (2006)

Starring: Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Katie Cassidy, Michelle Trachtenberg

Find it: IMDB

Better than you'd expect it to be. Much better than the Prom Night and Sorority Row debacles, which I didn't think it would be. Black Christmas doesn't entirely besmirch the original piece's name. It stars Mary Elizabeth Winstead who is literally amazing in literally everything (she was the best thing about The Thing, even better than The Thing itself). There's even a bit of gore and some faintly disturbing scenes of cannibalism and biscuits. And yes, the movie might, but I'm not calling this Black Xmas. 'Xmas' isn't a word. You don't call him Jesus X, do you? 

Black Christmas follows the original movie's template, having a sorority house being stalked by someone who may or may not be an escapee from a lunatic asylum. I love asylum escapee horror. It's delightfully retro. Some impressively cruel and creepy scenes are hidden amongst the chaff. I particularly enjoyed a bathroom scene in which a hidden eye spies upon one of the drunken girls. The sleazy pupil staring through a hole in the floor is a bloody chilling bit of imagery. Once more, the bin liner kill is the most memorable moment in the movie.

Aside from The Winstead, the acting elsewhere is perfectly fine. Michelle Trachtenberg is in this Black Christmas, but try to forget about that; just like you forget about those seasons of Buffy she ruined. Katie Cassidy is in it too, playing out yet another movie that should have starred John Saxon in a rollneck jumper. 

If you only watch one seasonal horror called Black Christmas this festive period, then it should obviously be the one that stars John Saxon. But if you're planning a seasonal feast this holiday season, Black Christmas '06 might as well be on your list.

23. Feeders 2: Slay Bells

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: John & Mark Polonia (1998)
Starring: Bob Dennis, Jon McBride, Patricia McBride
Find it: IMDB

I had no idea that there was a Feeders 1. After watching this sequel, I'm vaguely curious. More than any other movie I've watched on this Advent Calendar, Feeders 2 is the biggest surprise. I loved every moment of it. Feeders 2 has itself a merry Christmassy theme, with the titular aliens invading Earth during The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year. It's up to Santa Claus and his Elves to save the day. Really. A handy opening montage recaps the story of the first film.

I don't know what I'd been eating, but I did a dark green shit once. Too much information, I know. But the aliens in Feeders 2 are the spitting image of that green toilet trout.  Maybe they should have called this film Close Encounters of the Turd Kind. They're the worst looking aliens I've ever seen in a film. There's little consistency - sometimes they look like poo, other times like pipe cleaners stuck to a  ball of sage & onion stuffing. They sound annoying too, screeching for every moment they're onscreen. At first it's quite effective, but it soon grates. That this is the film's biggest problem is a stunner. I expected Feeders 2 to be unwatchable. But it's quite the opposite.

Everything is hypnotically bad, from the crappy aliens to the music and acting. That acting - maybe purposefully bad, but I doubt it - is like Napoleon Dynamite, all stilted deliveries and vacant stares. The children are actually better than the adults. 

The music is utterly fantastic, all elevator muzak recreations of 'Oh Christmas Tree', 'Jingle Bells' and 'Greensleeves'. Its rendition of Greensleeves sounds like an early mobile phone ringtone. I'll be hearing it for the rest of my life on the soundtrack to my wettest dreams. 

Just as it begins to droop at the halfway mark, Santa turns up and is attacked by the aliens. I physically did a LOL as an alien attached itself to an Elf's face. It's made even better by the fact that the Elf is so obviously just holding a doll to his face. It's a terrible movie, but I loved every moment of its surreal stupidity.

For what it is, Feeders 2 is quite impressive. Obviously it doesn't take itself too seriously (it's Santa Claus fighting aliens) so you've only yourself to blame if you watch it expecting something good. It's almost competent though, which I honestly hadn't expected. I actually preferred it to Peter Jackson's Bad Taste. Which is a symptom of my own Bad Taste I guess. Feeders 2 is a close encounter of the best kind.

22. Santa Claws

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: John A. Russo (1996)
Starring: Debbie Rochon, Grant Cramer, John Mowod
Find it: IMDB

One Christmas Eve, a jealous child finds his mother humping her new squeeze, a Santa-hat wearing fatty. Little Wayne digs out the family gun and blows them both away. All grown up, Wayne (Cramer) becomes obsessed with B-movie Queen and horror actress Raven Quinn (Debbie Rochon, pretty much playing herself).
Adult Wayne has grown up to look like a caricature of a 1990s' horror nerd, complete with beard and ponytail. He has conversations with a bust of Debbie Rochon Raven and collects memorabilia. Luckily for this stalker, he happens to live next door to the object of his affections. All the easier to knock off anyone who gets in his way, one by one.

As stalkers go, Wayne is very polite. He offers to babysit Raven's children, listens to her woes and murders anyone who gets in her way. He's pretty useful to be fair, not coming across as overtly weird, ponytail aside. It's only his puritanical tendencies that annoy Raven, telling her she shouldn't appear in as many nude scenes or date a producer.

What might look like yet another Killer Santa movie hardly even has a Killer Santa in it.  Wayne dresses in a balaclava and boiler suit most of the time, barely even acknowledging that it's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year. There's hardly any Christmas at all in this Christmas horror movie. Nor any horror. It's as though they tacked some Christmas scenes onto their crappy stalker movie and called it Santa Claws. It's a waste of a perfectly good title. There is a claw though, best employed in a scene in which Wayne uses it to comb a woman's hair before poking her to death with it. Eventually Wayne combines the Santa outfit with the balaclava outfit, like some kind of Guerilla Santa Claus.

Far be it for me to bitch about nudity, but there is far too much of it in Santa Claws. Wayne's boring obsession is punctuated with scenes in which Raven's husband shoots naked photographs of various women. I resented these scenes because it made Santa Claws last even longer. It's not proper nudity either, just the softcore stuff that you can find if you look hard enough on Dailymotion or whatever. Not that I would know anything about that.

Santa Claws is not as bad as Satan Claus, but it's still one of the worst Psycho Santa movies out there.

21. Christmas Evil (You Better Watch Out)

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: Lewis Jackson (1980)
Starring: Brandon Maggart, Jeffrey DeMunn, Dianne Hull
Find it: IMDB

Yet another synopsis which sports the phrase "psycho in a Santa suit". This being the twenty-first Christmas horror movie I have watched in as many days (yeah, I reposted one review, but then I watched Bad Santa again tonight, so 21 still stands), I'd be quite happy to never have to read the words "psycho in a Santa suit" ever again. That said, Christmas Evil (or You Better Watch Out) is probably one of the best Evil Santa movies out there. 

One miserable Christmas Eve (or Christmas Evil, geddit) little Harry finds out the hard way that there's no such thing as Santa Claus. If you're a child reading this, ignore that last sentence. Harry sees momma kissing Santa Claus (and then some)  and winds up traumatised. Adult Harry (Maggart) devotes his life to becoming the One True Santa Claus, living in an apartment full of Christmas tat and keeping a book in which he records the "naughty and nice" children in his neighbourhood. Naughty Moss Garcia, cutting nuddy pictures from a magazine (and also for his "negative odours"). He works in a toy factory and is generally regarded as a schmuck by his co-workers.

The movie offers one of the best psycho unravellings available. I do so enjoy an unravelling psycho horror movie. As Harry notices more and more naughtiness around him and realises that people think he's a bit of a tit, he unravels in style. Christmas Evil might be my favourite Christmas horror movie. 

It's very peculiar to Christmas horror films - you can't help but sympathise with the killer, whoever he may be. Christmas is prime time for losing your shit, whether it be at the works' Christmas party, whilst shopping or during an awkward family gathering. Never have I felt so maddened and nearly insane as wandering around busy shops during the Christmas period. I wish it could be Christmas every day? Yes, because I can drink whiskey from nine in the morning and not sober up until Boxing Day. Abolish Christmas and you'd probably cut the crime rate by 90% (statistics completely accurate and only slightly made up). Well with a whole month devoted to shitty music and shitty TV and spoiling your shitty children, a little murder seems like the very sanest thing to do. And Harry, as it goes, is a lovely lunatic. He tells kids to respect their parents, which is always a nice message.

When Harry's inevitable rampage does come, it's very well done. After bragging that he has "superlative taste" a man gets stabbed in the face with a toy. Which is what you deserve for talking like a prick. Harry does so outside a Church whilst music which sounds remarkably like the Psycho score twitters away. The background music is fantastic. I think Christmas slasher movies tend to sound amongst the best in the genre, whether it be inappropriately timed Carols or just the dodgy score. There's plenty to enjoy in Christmas Evil, most notably its use of 'I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus'.

Christmas Evil is a fantastic bit of seasonal horror. It has a fun story, great kill scenes and a villain who's at once sympathetic and scary. If you have superlative taste, you should be watching Christmas Evil. Also, watch your eye.

20. Satan Claus

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: Massimiliano Cerchi (1996)
Starring: Robert Cummins, Lauretta Ali, Robert Hector
Find it: IMDB

A serial killer dressed as Santa stalks the streets of New York, lopping off victims' body parts to adorn his Christmas tree with. An actor, a police officer and a voodoo lady team up to stop him. At least, I think they do. Satan Claus is so dingy that it's impossible to tell what's going on. 

I thought I'd seen the worst that Christmas horror had to offer with Don't Open 'Till Christmas and Silent Night, Deadly Night 3, but Satan Claus makes those movies look like holy Christmas masterpieces by comparison. You can rest some of the blame with the film's low budget, but that doesn't excuse the horrible story or the decision to play it relatively straight. "Is that why you cut off her head?" a man asks, after Satan Claus mercilessly murders his missus, "because it was beautiful?" Seriously, this film needs to work on its lighting; nobody in Satan Claus is 'beautiful'. Satan Claus is so dingy that even its own characters can't see what or who they're doing. The whole thing takes place at night in a city apparently devoid of lightbulbs. Even the movie's police station is drenched in darkness.

Satan Claus (Cummins) himself is terrible. He certainly doesn't seem like Satan, just another dick in a Santa suit. Even as murderous Santas go, he's nothing special. As he goes about his grisly business, Satan laughs like a rubbish Caesar Romero (even making a "hoo" noise at one point) and sings carols like a twat. When not decorating his tree with body parts, Mister Claus amuses himself by taunting the police Captain via telephone. I like how surprised the police are to hear that Satan Claus laughs during his murders, as though they expected sanity (fools, there is no Sanity Clause) from a man who goes around killing people while dressed as Santa. Then, because they had to work in the title somehow, the film elevates him to voodoo devil at the end. The denouement makes no sense. Just because no-one will see your 'twist' coming doesn't make it a good twist. No-one will see the twist coming because we expect movies to make sense nowadays.

A rampage towards the end is amusing, as is a rubbish voodoo witch character (Ali). Some of the dialogue is unintionally funny (the line "work, work, work candy bar. Work, work, work, hot dog" particularly cracked me up) as are the actors' deliveries. Satan Claus boasts the least passionate "you fucking son of a bitch" ever committed to film. A man delivers a desperate monologue on the evils of vigilante justice (yes, he says the phrase "judge, jury and executioner") that's so bad it had me hoping somebody would go all vigilante justice in his face with a shotgun.

At least Satan Claus is only an hour long. It could have been less. It's so dark, I think I might have spent ten minutes watching a blank television screen by accident.

19. The Night Train Murders

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: Aldo Lado (1975)

Starring: Flavio Bucci, Irene Miracle
Find it: IMDB, Amazon

The most miserable entry in our advent calendar, The Night Train Murders posits a terrible hypothesis: "imagine if the plot of The Last House on the Left happened to you... on Christmas Eve." True story: you can make any horror movie 40% more depressing by having it happen on Christmas Eve. Nothing is more depressing than being murdered on  Christmas Eve. Not even burnt turkey.

Of all the Last House On The Left rip-offs I've ever seen, The Night Train Murders is the rip-offest. That it was acquired by the 'Shameless' DVD label is apt, since shameless is the only word to describe its constant thieving. It basically is Last House On The Left. Only the murders happen on a train, which makes it okay. Even the tagline (YOU CAN TELL YOURSELF IT'S ONLY A MOVIE*) is stolen from Wes Craven's infamous video nasty. Most of the time, it doesn't even try. Which is understandable. Because making a movie is hard enough without having to think up an original story too.

To repeat the plot is pointless, since it's Last House On The Left. I suppose this movie being set during Christmas is different. But a Friday the 13th ripoff entitled Saturday the 15th would still be a Friday the 13th ripoff. My point being, I've seen The Last House On The Left, so I could have done without seeing this.

The preamble to the atrocities is boring and goes on for too long. Well, unless you like watching people do boring Christmas shopping and have boring Christmas parties. And then the atrocities themselves are boring and go on for too long. The parents' revenge is boring but doesn't go on for nearly long enough. There's not even a chainsaw, David Hess nor a microwave. The train toss is passable enough, with the lovely young things running afoul of two junkies and their evil ho friend. As you knew was going to happen from the very start of the thing, the girls are raped and murdered. A random commuter joins in for some of the rape.

One of the girls is then violated with a knife, which is icky but fairly original. She dies, as you do, from blood loss/shock. Her friend jumps from the moving train. It's entirely inappropriate, but I did laugh when the second body was thrown out of the window. And Poirot thought that The Orient Express was bad. I'll stick with The Polar Express, thanks. The rest of the movie is no laughing matter. Firstly because the subject matter is so horrible, secondly because it's a dull film, and thirdly because it's shit. The highlight being that one of the actors has a fascinatingly ugly face.

I'm not a fan of rape/revenge movies even when done well. And The Night Train Murders certainly isn't done well.

*You'll know it's ONLY A MOVIE. Because you've seen THE MOVIE before. Back when it was called you-know-what.

18. Don't Open 'Till Christmas

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: Edmund Purdom (1984)
Starring: Edmund Purdom, Alan Lake, Belinda Mayne
Find it: IMDB, Amazon

It's Christmas in London, and a psychopath is on the loose, offing anyone he sees dressed as Santa. Inspector Harris (Purdom) and reporter Giles (Lake) team up to take down the Santa assassin in a plot that's reminiscent of the recent Blitz, except with Santa instead of coppers. The mysterious murderer goes about garrotting and spearing Santas like there's no tomorrow. Well, after Christmas, his gimmick is a bit redundant, so time is short. His actions seem extreme, but let's be fair to our killer; dressing as Santa is usually the modus operandi of a bell-end.

Aside from the terrible attempt at police procedural, the story is little more than a thinly veiled excuse to have  a lot of people murdered whilst dressed as Father Christmas. The British setting is a novelty, but otherwise it's just another urban slasher movie ala Maniac Cop and the occasional Giallo. The mystery elements are tedious, the red herrings predictable. And in a city populated by people too stupid to, y'know, not dress as Santa when there's a Santa-hating murderer on the loose, the killer has plenty of victims to choose from.

The script is atrocious, even by 80s' slasher standards. People say things like "he was the victim of another Santa murder" and ask "are you any nearer to solving these Santa Claus crimes?" with a straight face. "What possible reason could I have for killing Santas?" asks a suspect. "My father's just been murdered. I can't concentrate," says one poor girl. Indeed not, and especially with that horrible music going on in the background. The acting is just as bad, either stilted or a bad Roger Moore impression. 

If I opened a parcel to find she'd given me a copy of Don't Open 'Till Christmas, I would punch my Grandma square in the fucking face. You should definitely open before Christmas - someone might have given you a copy of this movie, after all. I hope they kept the receipt.

17. Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: Martin Kitrosser (1991)
Starring: Mickey Rooney, William Thorne, Jane Higginson,
Find it: IMDB

The Silent Night I was dreading the most. I hate movies about killer toys. Bah humbug I know, but killer toys are a stupid idea for any movie, let a known the fifth in an established franchise. I hated killer toys when Halloween 3 did them, I hated killer toys when The Simpsons did them, and don't even get me started on that Puppetmaster bollocks. Chucky is my least favourite slasher icon, and I even hate Toyman in the Superman comics. The only killer toy movie I like is Small Soldiers, and that's because it has Tommy Lee Jones as a crazy Action Man.  

The Toy Maker starts as stupid as it means to go on, with a man being strangled to death by a glorified Christmas tree bauble as his young son looks on. The Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise is built on traumatised children, and the death of daddy dearest renders little Derek (Thorne) incapable of speech. In order to cheer up down-in-the-dumps Derek, mum Sarah (Higginson) takes him to a local toy store. The toy shop is run by Mickey Rooney playing a man called Joe Petto. Joe Petto has a son called Pino, be still my aching fucking sides. Not aching from laughter mind, but full-frontal assault with shitty scriptwriting.   

The presence of Mickey Rooney makes for oddly compelling viewing, this being the goofiest instalment of them all. There's only so much I can hate a film in which Mickey Rooney plays a man called Joe Petto. Who would have thought that in a franchise which boasts Clint Howard (who cameos in this movie), Bill Moseley and Mickey Rooney, the latter would emerge as king? At least he has the good grace to don a Santa outfit for us.

It fails completely as a horror movie. Killer toys are inherently not scary. Not even Chucky. Mickey Rooney is even less scary than that. There's no tension, no drama, nor any of the brilliant death sequences that Silent Night, Deadly Night 1 & 2 was famous for. Instead there are stupid Pinocchio jokes and a child called Derek. Fucking Derek, a child who hardly speaks during an 85 minute movie, but still gives its worst performance. Even worse than Brian Bremer as Pino - and Bremer's character is literally a robot.

Instead of beheaded Nuns and garbage day memes, The Toy Maker has a child being run over whilst speeding around on evil roller skates. The scene in which a couple are attacked by living toys pretty accurately summarises why I hate killer toy movies. Even late eighties' Freddy Krueger would have been ashamed of this cock. It's more memorable than Initiation and better than Part 3, but not by much. The ending is just bizarre, turning into a rapey cross between Bicentennial Man and AI: Artificial Intelligence.

In less than ten years, Silent Night, Deadly Night is a series that (d)evolved from a superior Santa slasher into a stupid killer toys feature. Also, Mickey Rooney is a robot at the end and calls a woman "mommy."

16. Silent Night, Deadly Night 4: Initiation

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: Brian Yuzna (1990)
Starring: Clint Howard, Neith Hunter, Reggie Bannister
Find it: IMDB

One dark night, a woman jumps off the rooftop of a high-rise building and bursts into flames. Reporter Kim (Hunter) investigates this strange case of human combustion, only to discover a strange cult dedicated to the Egyptian God Isis. Just another Silent Night, Deadly Night movie, folks.

Clint Howard plays a man called Ricky (presumably not that one, given his intact brain) and Reggie Bannister is Kim's editor. Directed by Brian Yuzna, I had hoped for something a cut above the rest from this sequel. It's certainly different to the previous three movies, forgetting the killer Santa motif (well I am getting tired of typing out the name 'Santa Claus') and doing its own thing entirely. It's an approach that didn't work for Halloween 3 and doesn't work for this. The Caldwell brothers and their Santa fetish were the most enjoyable thing about the Silent Night movies.

As she investigates the mysterious woman's flaming suicide, Kim comes to the attention of bookseller Fima, who hopes to initiate Kim into her cult. I much prefer this franchise when it's lopping the heads off've Nuns and pumping Santa full of lead. Fima woos Kim by giving her free books and inviting her to sinister picnics in the park. The slow burning story isn't a particularly interesting one, despite the best efforts of Yuzna and Howard. It has a creepy atmosphere and great background music, and is recognisable as a Yuzna film. It's not alternately known as Bugs for no reason, with plenty of foul insects about to add to the unpleasant atmosphere. There are some genuinely horrible bits involving massive slimy bugs and Clint Howard in a Clockwork Orange style rape mask. A gloopy, surreal nightmarish sequence in the middle of the movie actually manages to be the most creepy thing in the whole series.

Given the lack of a proper villain, Howard is great. Aside from Reggie Bannister in a brief cameo, he's the only actor with any presence. Maud Adams is useless as Fima, whilst Neith Hunter is unremarkable as Kim. A cast of wrinklies round off Fima's cult.

Silent Night 4 wasn't as bad as I'd anticipated - it's far more bearable than its immediate predecessor - but it's a forgettable, directionless entry in a series that should have stopped after the first movie. The story is boring and stupid, the central mystery uninteresting. This Silent Night is for franchise completists only.

15. Silent Night, Deadly Night III: Better Watch Out

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: Monte Hellman (1989)

Starring: Bill Moseley, Richard Beymer, Samantha Scully

Find it: IMDB

It's an unwritten rule that every 80s' slasher franchise should have at least one movie in which the killer fights a teenager with psychic powers. Even better if said teenager is blind. Silent Night, Deadly Night's threequel follows the rules and has killer Ricky (Moseley) trying to kill blind psychic Laura (Scully). Well I think she's supposed to be a teenager, but Scully looks about thirty.

Silent Night, Deadly Night III opens with a thoroughly promising sequence. Fully grown Laura sits on Santa Claus's lap and asks him for "a barbie doll, a bicycle, some roller skates, ballet shoes, and a mickey mouse watch." Thoroughly unimpressed, Santa produces a knife and makes with the stabbing. It's all dream though, manufactured by Doctor Newbury (Beymer) to somehow awaken killer Ricky Caldwell from his coma. Doctor Newbury's plan to use psychics to communicate with coma victims is pretty cutting edge stuff, although I think he overestimates the ratio of genuine psychics to coma patients. It's a success though, and Ricky awakens. Unfortunately for Laura, Ricky is aware of their psychic connection and plans to sever it - with a KNIFE. 

Unlike Silent Night 2, this is a proper sequel - the sort without forty minutes of flashbacks before the story begins. Unfortunately, this means that there's more crappy movie to persevere through than before. I'd sort of hoped that Better Watch Out would spend forty minutes recapping the previous movie in an anarchic "fuck you" to its audience. It could hardly have been much worse than the actual film. Also, you try watching three Silent Night, Deadly Night movies in a row.

Aside from the stupidity of the story, it has Bill Moseley wandering around with what looks like a colander on his head. And in an effort to make their blind protagonist seem strong and wilful, the filmmakers have her acting like a complete knob to people. Upon meeting her brother's new girlfriend for the first time, Laura refuses to shake her hand and makes a blowjob joke. Movie blind people are dicks.

Those hoping that Bill Moseley might do something entertaining will be disappointed by his portrayal of Ricky. Even Eric Freeman did a better job, and he did nothing but stare at people. The remarkable thing being that Moseley made this film three years after doing a completely cartoonish Chop-Top in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre 2. If I hadn't seen his name in the credits, I'd never have known it was Bill Moseley.

Freddy or Jason would have made mincemeat out of Laura within half an hour, but Ricky takes all day about it. After murdering a hospital Santa and a receptionist, Ricky makes his way to Laura's family home and murders Granny off-screen. It's pretty funny watching Grandma mistake Ricky for a handicapped tramp, but this movie really puts the silent in Silent Night. Gone are the outrageous kills and sleazy atmosphere; Better Watch Out is tremendously dull and without either a compelling killer or characters. Ricky doesn't even don the Santa outfit. Although I suppose the hat wouldn't have fit over the stupid bowl on Bill Moseley's head.

The previous film ended with a Nun's head falling off. This one ends with Ricky accidentally impaling himself on a stick. You better watch out - Silent Night, Deadly Night 3 is a terrible movie.

14. Silent Night, Deadly Night part 2

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: Lee Harry (1987)

Starring: Eric Freeman, James Newman, Elizabeth Kaitan

Find it: IMDB

The sort of sequel that consists mostly of footage from the original movie. Billy's brother Ricky (Freeman) talks to a psychiatrist about how he came to follow in Billy's bastardly footsteps and become a Christmas killer too. Silent Night, Deadly Night part 2 re-uses even more footage from the original than The Hills Have Eyes 2. No doggy flashbacks this time, but baby ones instead. Ricky even has flashbacks to events he wasn't even present for. There's so much recycled footage that I felt cheated by having watched the previous film in preparation.

But at least the bit where police officers shoot an innocent Santa Claus in the back is repeated. Every Christmas movie should be required by law to have a scene in which police officers shoot Santa in the back. It would certainly make Tim Allen movies seem more entertaining. Later in the movie, Kris Kringle's execution is utilised to amusing effect. But Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 retells literally the whole of the previous film to the extent where there are only fifty minutes of original sequel.

Finally Ricky gets around to telling his own story. He was adopted by a family who gave the kid a decent upbringing but failed to recognise the trauma underneath. If cinema has taught us anything, it's that careful parenting can turn a serial killer into a Batman or a nicer kind of serial killer who only preys on criminals. Where Billy was terrified of Santa Claus, Ricky has a phobia of Nuns. I suppose Nuns are pretty scary. Pause for my favourite Nun joke:

Two Nuns are walking through Transylvania late one night, on the way home from a Transylvanian convention for Nuns. A vampire jumps out at them, from the undergrowth. "Agh!" shouts one of the Nuns, "a vampire. Quickly, show him your cross!" The other Nun shakes her fist at the vampire. "Grr," she says, "I am so angry with you right now."

As Ricky's stepfather passes away, the lad's demons begin to surface. He relieves himself by indulging in his brother's favourite hobby - a little Christmassy murder. But where Billy seemed genuinely disturbed and conflicted, Ricky is a bit of a dick. He's an annoying, overly talkative sort of killer, smugly bragging about his murderous conquests and swearing at his put-upon psychiatrist. Although there is the best utilisation of an umbrella that I've ever seen in a horror movie:

Eric Freeman does some great things with his eyes throughout. Ricky finally loses his shit completely when he finds out that his girlfriend isn't a virgin. It culminates with an Internet meme in which Ricky shoots a man taking taking out his garbage. In a series of increasingly brilliant murders, Ricky kills a guy who looks like Fred from Scooby Doo and strangles his girlfriend with a car aerial.

His rampage ends with him exploding a car with a pistol. This sequence of events is an incredible bit of trashy horror cinema, outdoing anything in the original movie. Indeed, were it not for the abundance of flashbacks and filler, Silent Night, Deadly Night 2 would make an even better movie than its predecessor. At once, it is one of the best and worst sequels ever made.

13. Silent Night Deadly Night

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: Charles E Sellier Jr (1984)

Starring: Robert Brian Wilson, Danny Wagner, Linnea Quigley

Find it: IMDB

A bit like Halloween, in so much as it’s set during a titular Holiday. Other than that, it’s nothing like Halloween. After a series of childhood traumas, a troubled, Christmas-hating youth goes on a Crimbo killing spree, murdering everyone on his naughty list. Also of interest: Nuns, shagging, bosoms, a rapey Santa Claus and plenty of assorted festive cruelty.

As the movie begins, we meet young Billy Chapman, his parents and baby sister. They’re a very nice, all-American family, and as such are doomed to die. But before all that, the family visit their crazy grandpa at his home in a cosy mental institution. They then leave young Billy alone with the old coot. Crazy granddad proceeds to traumatise the poor kid, telling him that “Christmas Eve is the scariest damn night of the year,” that Santa punishes the naughty kids, and that he better run if he sees Santa. Sounds like someone’s been watching Santa’s Slay.

Not traumatised enough by his own grandfather, Billy goes on to see his family murdered by a fella dressed as Santa. Looks like Gramps ain't so crazy after all. His parents dead, it's at this stage where a kid either decides to dress up as a giant bat or become a serial killer.

But with no kindly English butler to look after Billy, the poor kid finds himself in an orphanage. Still traumatised by his experience at the hands of Santa Claus, he passes his time by drawing lovely pictures of murdered Santas and beheaded reindeers. Kid’s got talent, reminiscent of the work of Charlie Bronson. More trauma is heaped upon poor Billy as he gets himself a beating from the orphanage’s Mother Superior. Lesson learnt: “Punishment is good”. And so Billy grows up to become the movie’s villain; a punisher of petty crimes; like the Punisher, but with added jolly.

Like many 80s’ slasher movies, Silent Night Deadly Night isn’t too scary, but is plenty creepy. It’s lurid and often gratuitously cruel. Does anyone really need to see a lady raped by a chap in a Santa costume? Not really, but the creepiness of it all is excellently done and partnered with a wonderful soundtrack of standard 80s’ synth and cheesy Christmas music. It’s lighter on the gore than its notoriety might suggest (a bunch of outraged mothers got it pulled from several cinemas), but it’s sleazy enough anyway to make up for the lack of onscreen claret. Plus, there's this, the greatest sequence of events ever to grace a Christmas film since Billy Bob Thornton beat the shit out of a child in Bad Santa:

Of the myriad of Christmas horror movies, Silent Night Deadly Night is perhaps my favourite. The story’s generic, but not so much that it can’t hold a few surprises. Billy’s transformation from innocent wee kiddiwink to traumatised psychopath is a plausible one; you too would likely go crazy if you had as much shit heaped upon you as he gets in this movie. And the pace is not as slow as Black Christmas, the tone less overtly silly than Gremlins or Jack Frost.

So if you thought that the likes of Fred Claus are too light on the stabby-stabby, beheadings and impalements (and yes, it was. Incidentally, that film is vastly improved if you imagine Paul Giamatti burying an axe in Vince Vaughan's fucking face) then Silent Night Deadly Night is surely the flick for you.

12. ...And All Through the House (1972)

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: Freddie Francis (1972)

Starring: Joan Collins, Chloe Franks, Martin Boddey

Find it: IMDB

A man is quite happily reading his newspaper one merry Christmas Eve when a disconcertingly sexy Joan Collins walks in wearing a stupid hat and bludgeons him to death. The man is her husband and Joan is hoping to claim his life insurance by murdering the poor chump. As insurance scams go, that one's even older than burning down your own house. I guess screwing insurance companies over was easier in the 1970s. Still, Christmas Eve is a pretty shitty time to be murdering someone. Especially when you have a young daughter upstairs. Little wonder Joan ends up topping off Santa's naughty list.

Whilst disposing of the body, Joan hears on the radio that a serial killer has escaped from a local lunatic asylum. Moments later, this psycho Santa arrives at the door. But poor Joan can't call the police because she has a dead husband bleeding all over the carpet. On lockdown from scary Santa, Joan concentrates on cleaning the mess up. She doesn't count on stupid daughter Carol letting crazy mister Claus in the house. Joan Collins is strangled to death by creepy Kris Kringle and wee Carol is left orphaned on Christmas Eve. Heh, Carol. Christmas Carol, geddit.

A ten minute tale from the Tales from the Crypt movie, ...And all through the House is perhaps the creepiest story in the film (although Peter Cushing's Poetic Justice is the real highlight). It's simple but very effective, with a haunting twist. Particularly chilling is the use of Christmas carols playing on the radio throughout, even during Joan Collins's eventual murder. The killer is understated. Where the 1989 television remake had Larry Drake in fake teeth and heavy makeup, our murderer here could be any department store Santa or fancy-dress dad.... and that's a lot scarier than even Larry Drake. And I love me some Larry Drake.

11. Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: Jalmari Helander (2010)

Starring: Onni Tommila, Jorma Tommila, Tommi Korpela

Find it: IMDB

A Christmas horror movie that treats its subject with relative seriousness, thereby imbuing it with more class and gravity than one would expect from an evil Santa film. Buried in the depths of the Korvatunturi mountains, excavators find Santa Claus. The Santa Claus. Soon afterwards, local children begin disappearing and young Pietari (Onni Tommila) finds mysterious footprints in the snow by his window. Santa Claus, as they say, is coming to town. Careful though, he's a biter.

Pietari's gloomy hunter father (Jorma Tommila) finds what he believes to be Santa, caught in one of his traps. He ties poor Santa up and hatches a plan to sell not-so Jolly Saint Nick to the highest bidder. It emerges that the going price for a Santa Claus is a lot less than I thought it would be.

It's something of a slow burner for a comedy/horror, but when it does kick into gear, the payoff is well worth the invested time. In its tale of a quiet, sensitive, lonely child finding his way in life, Rare Exports is like a Christmassy Let The Right One In. It picks and chooses its festive elements wisely, never outstaying its welcome. Particularly well employed is the way in which the characters use gingerbread to hold Santa at bay and a set of "rules"to keep you off've Father Christmas's naughty list. He's no Bill Goldberg, but you'll want to stay in his good books.

The biggest problem with Rare Exports is that you can only really watch it once a year. Never mind the turkey or presents, I'm counting down the days until I can watch this Christmas Tale again.

10. The Gingerdead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: Silvia St. Croix (2008)

Starring: Joseph Porter, Kelsey Sanders, K-von Moezzi

Find it: IMDB

The first few minutes of this sequel are far more entertaining than the entirety of The Gingerdead Man. It's a montage that consists of footage from the first movie, narrated in the style of a fairy tale. It actually makes The Gingerdead Man look like a film worth watching. It even looks tolerable.

After this uncharacteristic highlight for the franchise, The Passion of the Crust becomes a slightly different variety of intolerable. The story takes place on a film set, where Kelvin Cheatum (Moezzi) is struggling to keep his father's failing studio afloat. The Gingerdead Man (not Gary Busey) is delivered to the studio amongst a box of baked goods. As Kelvin escorts dying fan Tommy (Porter) and carer Heather (Sanders) about the place, The Gingerdead Man picks them off, one by one.

Like most movie-in-a-movie horror features, The Passion of the Crust feels self-indulgent and obvious. I resent the implication that all horror critics are angry virgins who live in their mothers' basements (presumably alongside Frank Miller's Occupy protestors). Well I live in my mother's attic - in your inaccurate face Gingerdead Man 2. "Never listen to critics," the narration grumbles, "those arseholes are lame." Not as lame as The Gingerdead Man, we ain't.

It's a funnier movie than the original bit, less boring and with more screentime for the titular Gingerdead Man. They're the same sort of improvements as made in Jack Frost 2. It doesn't manage to be as funny as Jack Frost 2, but at least it aims for something beyond silly baking puns. Although it does end on a "that's the way the cookie crumbles" joke, the finale is dementedly genius, a glimpse at what the franchise should have been.

Gingerdead Man 2 is half-baked stupid nonsense. Nothing makes me feel an Old Scrooge like failing to enjoy a film about a homicidal gingerbread man. Although, after watching both movies back-to-back, I do have the strangest craving for gingerbread. Hold the Busey.

9. The Gingerdead Man

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: Charles Band (2005)

Starring: Gary Busey, Robin Sydney, Ryan Locke

Find it: IMDB

Brilliantly named killer Millard Findlemeyer (Gary Busey) walks into a diner and kills everyone there. After the killer spends too long speechifying, the police arrive in time to arrest him. Survivor Sarah (Sydney) testifies and Millard is sentenced to death. In a sequence of events that could only happen in an anthropomorphic horror movie like The Gingerdead Man, Millard's ashes become mixed up with the cake ingredients at the bakery Sarah happens to own. As an employee's blood drips into the gingerbread mix, The Gingerdead Man is born. With the staff bleeding willy-nilly into the cakes, it's little wonder that business isn't booming. All blood and cremated remains, the Gingerdead Man mix wouldn't look out of place in a Heston Blumenthal recipe book.

This is only a Christmas movie insomuch as people (apparently) eat gingerbread men at Christmas. You can watch it any day of the year you like but I suppose Christmas is the optimum time for watching ridiculous films about sentient food. Christmas is the optimum time for substandard shit being passed off as entertainment. Which would go some way to explain Fred Claus, the Star Wars Christmas special, the X-Factor Christmas no.1, the entire Christmas TV schedule, sprouts and The Gingerdead Man.

Better in concept than execution, Gingerdead Man is of about the same quality as Jack Frost. Few of the jokes are particularly funny whilst the horror elements are just useless. Gary Busey is physically in the movie for less than five minutes, and it's the most bizarre of his performances that I've ever seen. Which is what happens when Meat Loaf isn't around to keep him in check. It's actually a shame when Millard becomes the Gingerdead Man because it robs the film of a potentially awesome Gary Busey performance and lends it a stupid monster that's even less threatening than the gingerbread man in Shrek. As it is, Busey just grumbles a few lines and then goes home. However, he does tell a rat to fuck off.

Gingerdead Man is a movie in which grown adults are menaced by a wee gingerbread man and none of them do anything to fight it. They don't even do the bare minimum, which would be to leave the bakery. I'd be embarrassed to die at the hands of the Gingerdead Man; even more so than Jack Frost or Chucky. It takes a special breed of dipshit to die at the hands of an article of baked goods. Even when one considers that the movie is supposed to be a comedy, Gingerdead Man is stupid. A character becomes possessed towards the end and the movie has the cheek to reference Army Of Darkness.

If you must attempt to watch The Gingerdead Man, I'd suggest taking a leaf from Gary Busey's book - give it five minutes, until Millard's arrest in the diner, then just do one.