From Dusk Till Dawn

Director: Robert Rodriguez (1996)
Starring: George Clooney, Quentin Tarantino, Harvey Keitel
Find it: IMDB

My favourite vampire movie of all time. My favourite George Clooney movie of all time (not that the competition was too stiff in that department). My favourite Robert Rodriguez movie of all time. My favourite Tarantino scripted movie of all time? Probably.

Perpetually angry criminals Seth and Richard Gecko (Clooney and Tarantino, who look so similar they could totally be brothers) are on the run from the law. They shack up in a desert motel and grab a holidaying ex-preacher (Keitel) and his family as hostages. The gang load up into the preacher's motor-home and sneak on over the Mexican border. There's a scene in which George Clooney punches Tarantino in the face. I'm not sure why I found that so amusing, but I wish he had done the same when Tarantino decided to cast Eli Roth in Death Proof and Inglourious Basterds. 

When the Geckos and their hostages arrive in Mexico, they await the arrival of Seth's friends in a classy bar named The Titty Twister. It's a joint so tough that it has Danny Trejo serving drinks and Cheech Marin (heh, joint) on the door. Also, vampires. On the basis of From Dusk Till Dawn, I would have said that George Clooney would have made a great Batman. And, to be fair, if he had been allowed to play Batman and not Adam West, I still think he could have been good. Seth Gecko is a bit of a dick, but Clooney's charisma makes him difficult to dislike - even when he's menacing that lovely Harvey Keitel and his nice children. Tarantino's acting career has always been very much maligned, but he's a good fit for this movie. He basically plays a slightly more/less weird version of himself, staring at Juliette Lewis's feet all the time and occasionally murdering innocent folks. His isn't a great performance, but I like it, all the same.

NOM

And even if you don't, everyone else is so consistently great, that it really doesn't matter. There's Fred Williamson and Tom Savini playing tough guys (the latter named 'Sex Machine'), Salma Hayek, Juliette Lewis and even a cute cameo from John Saxon. As Cheech Marin says at the door, there's something to suit all tastes at the Titty Twister. Well, except maybe for those film fans who like their vampires to be a little more noble or romantic or sparkly.

From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter

Director: PJ Pesce (1999)
Starring: Marco Leonardi, Michael Parks, Rebecca Gayheart, Danny Trejo
Find it: IMDB

The Dusk Till Dawn franchise returns to The Titty Twister bar, its own roots and early 1900s' Mexico for a respectable outing that's less disappointing than Texas Blood Money but still not quite as good as the original piece. It's cowboys versus vampires with Danny Trejo and a stupid snake thing.

Where I went into Texas Blood Money with unrealistically high expectations, I switched onto The Hangman's Daughter with stupidly low ones. After a set up that takes way too long (I was beginning to question whether there would ever be any vampires in the film) this threequel quickly becomes a lot of fun. Michael Parks plays an alcoholic atheist and uses the phrase "flatulating explosions". There's a bit where a vampire sucks off a horse. Drinks its blood, I mean. The ensuing action is fast paced, gory and ridiculous. The special effects are good too, although vampire Danny Trejo looks completely different in this to what he did in the original film and Texas Blood Money. Amongst the humans, there's no-one to quite match up to George Clooney or Robert Patrick, but Michael Parks is good in the relatively short screentime he gets. Its lead hardman bandito, Johnny Madrid (Leonardi) is boring and uncharismatic by comparison.  

Again, the story follows a band of criminals escaped and on the run from the law. They kidnap the titular hangman's daughter and ride off into the sunset, where the Titty Twister awaits. The decor has changed, but it's obviously the Twister - Danny Trejo is working the bar. I get bored after half an hour at work; Danny Trejo has stacked up over 100 years working at the same bar. Talk about job satisfaction. Vampires, naturally, ensue in the mother of all bar brawls. But what did you expect from a pub with Danny Trejo behind the bar? Following Texas Blood Money, the Titty Twister has since been renovated into a Wetherspoon's. It's only marginally worse than before.

The dalliance back to the (very) early 20th Century makes it feel like more than just a rehash of the original (although it is). The Hangman's Daughter is a fun, funny prequel with enough originality and wit to not besmirch the original piece's name. Coming straight to DVD all the way from 1999, it's ironic cowboys vs vampires before ironic mashups were really a thing.

From Dusk Till Dawn 2: Texas Blood Money

Director: Scott Spiegel (1999)
Starring: Robert Patrick, Bo Hopkins, Duane Whitaker
Find it: IMDB

From Dusk Till Dawn might just be my favourite ever vampire movie. Not only is George Clooney awesome in it, but it has a great script by Quentin Tarantino (the less said about his acting the better) and Robert Rodriguez at the top of his directorial game. With From Dusk Till Dawn, Rodriguez and Tarantino did absolutely everything that their Grindhouse (which I still enjoyed) failed to accomplish. Along with Con Air and Tim Burton's Batman films, From Dusk Till Dawn is one of the few movies I'll watch absolutely every single time it comes on TV. However, it has taken me until now to seek out and see its sequel.

I almost wish I'd not bothered. While Scott Spiegel does a good job of aping the visual style and tone of the original movie, Texas Blood Money is an enormous disappointment. Hopes are briefly buoyed with an early cameo from one Bruce Campbell and a leading role for the underrated Robert Patrick - but that is all dashed by a boring script, rubbish characters and uninteresting action. Much like the previous film, Texas Blood Money follows a gang of criminals on the lam from the law. On his way to their hotel, one of their number is attacked by a bat and then happens across the Titty Twister bar (via an all-too-brief cameo from Danny Trejo). 

Despite the fact we all know what the Dusk Till Dawn title heralds, this sequel insists on also being a movie of two halves. Unfortunately, its criminals aren't as interesting as the Gecko brothers and there's no Harvey Keitel or Juliette Lewis to distract from the fact that the protagonists are all asshole bank robbers. Robert Patrick is a likeable presence - I envy the shit out of that quiff - but the action sequences aren't up to the same standard as George Clooney had to play with. Nor are the special effects or makeup much cop. An over-reliance on crappy toy bats really hurts the first half, while even the vampire makeup manages to convince. Most of all, it suffers from a lack of tension and reason for being.

Don't be fooled by the "from Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez" that someone cheekily slapped on the poster; they executive produced the film in the same way as I executive produce my dinner every night. "MOTHER. I WANT CHIPS FOR DINNER. WITH PIE." Just because the pie and chips were my idea somewhere along the line, don't mean I cooked no pie and chips. Or indeed anything, ever. As with his Hostel sequel, Scott Spiegel goes through the same motions as his more famous predecessor but fails to emulate what made that film great in the first place. The action does get better during the last half hour though, and it ends on a sweet little note.

Texas Blood Money is not a terrible movie by any means, but it makes for a bad sequel to one of my favourite films of all time. Those with less affection for the original piece may enjoy it more. For everyone else, it's perhaps best left as an intriguingly garish DVD cover buried in the corner of your local rental place.

Dark Shadows

Director: Tim Burton (2012)
Starring: Johnny Depp, Eva Green, Helena Bonham Carter
Find it: IMDB

A rare collaboration between Johnny Depp and director Tim Burton. Those guys really should make more movies together. Dark Shadows is a big-screen adaptation of the cult TV soap opera of the same name. After spurning the advances of a smitten housemaid, rich Barnabas Collins (Depp) is cursed and turned into a vampire. Feeling that her revenge hasn't gone quite far enough, Angelique (Green) curses the Collins' family name and locks Barnabas in a coffin, deep underground. Two decades later, Barnabas is inadvertently exhumed by workmen building a McDonald's. Barnabas is released into a world he no longer recognises - the funky 1970s. He returns to his family mansion, hoping to reverse the fortunes of his now almost-destitute family and restore the Collins name to its former glory. Groovy.

Except Dark Shadows is decidedly not-groovy. Despite starring Johnny Depp and featuring a purple colour palette, it feels surprisingly little like a Tim Burton film at times. A lot of this is due to the soundtrack; rather than the overfamiliar Danny Elfman tunes (although there are some) there are several funky 70s dance and disco tunes. It also looks surprisingly bright. The little fishing village in which the Collins family lives is sunny and very normal, for a Burton neighbourhood. It has plenty of Goth moments, but less than that poster might suggest. Still, those hoping for a change from Burton's usual will be disappointed. On the evidence of this and his more recent works, it would seem that Tim Burton has completely lost the ability to tell any sort of compelling story.

"He only lets me out of the box to make movies... terrible, terrible movies."

I laughed at the fish-out-of-water jokes, but not nearly as often or as hard as I would have liked. The humour is funny, but the story is dull and predictable. Tonally, it's all over the place, with Barnabas being the film's hero one moment and slaughtering a gang of innocent hippies the next. Its vampire sex seems utterly tame following the scary fucks of True Blood. Mind, everything seems tame after True Blood. Appropriately, the lengthy dialogue scenes feel like something out of a soap opera. As Barnabas and his relatives struggle with their failing fishing business, it's like Emmerdale or The Archers crossed with Dracula. There's some fun to be had with the Collins clan (particularly Jackie Earle Haley as the staff handyman and Jonny Lee Miller as Sleazy Dad) but I have no idea why Helena Bonham Carter is there nor why the film insists on sexualising Chloe Grace Moretz as it does.  

For the first forty or so minutes, Dark Shadows is mildly funny with one or two inspired touches. There are a couple of neat cameos from 70s Alice Cooper and Christopher Lee, while the better actors take up enough slack for the boring story to not matter so much. And then the tone changes completely. Attempting to ape the comedy horror action of Beetlejuice, Michelle Pfeiffer blasts away at Eva Green with a shotgun, Chloe Grace Moretz does something unbelievably ridiculous (a twist that even Night Shyamalan would look at and think "fuck that") and Dark Shadows falls to pieces. It is the single worst ending to a film in a very, very long time. I can forgive most things for the sort of soundtrack Dark Shadows offers - but not that ending. None of it works on any level.

It's nowhere near as bad as his Alice In Wonderland, but not as enjoyable as Sweeney Todd (the last film of Burton's that I enjoyed). Let's hope he gets over whichever curse maligns his filmmaking skills at the moment - poor Tim Burton is a (Dark) Shadow of his former self. 

Fright Night (2011)

Director: Craig Gillespie (2011)

Starring: Anton Yelchin, Colin Farrell, David Tennant

Find it: IMDB

All-American teenager and sometime Chekov Charley Brewster (Yelchin) discovers that he might be living next door to a vampire. And not just any vampire. Colin Farrell in full Bullseye mode, making eyes at his mom. He seeks the help of useless TV personality Peter Vincent (Tennant) and together they set about taking down the beautiful bloodsucking bastard.

As a remake of one of my favourite 80s horror movies, I approached Fright Night with some hesitation. I was hopeful - the cast was intriguing (Chekov! Bullseye! McLovin! Doctor Who!), the story ripe for re-visitation. Thankfully, it lives up to the promise. Any urge to go Twilight with its vampires has been resisted. Colin Farrell is sexy; but it's scary sexy as opposed to sparkly sexy. Well, as scary as one can be whilst wearing a wifebeater vest and gurning at every opportunity. Yelchin makes for a good Charley. He's less goofy than the 80s' William Ragsdale, but is a likeable protagonist, playing it relatively straight whilst all around him chew the scenery. David Tennant's Peter Vincent is less Peter Cushing and more Russell Brand. The constant overacting will annoy some, but I thought it was enjoyable. And as a fan of Doctor Who, I found it endlessly hilarious to see the most cuddly Doctor dropping F-bombs and calling people "douchebag".

The action, too, has been upped considerably. There's a great sequence in which Colin Farrell explodes a house and throws a motorbike at a car. It has a lot less time for Charley's paranoia than the original film. But who needs slowly building tension when you can have Colin Farrell throwing a motorbike at a car? There's a great fight scene between Evil Ed (Christopher Mintz-Plasse) and Charley, and the re-do of the nightclub scene really works. And there's a part of me that's always wanted to see Colin Farrell and David Tennant duke it out. That fight scene is something of a letdown, as is the finale as a whole. Farrell throws a pebble at David Tennant's head, and that's it. At least it brings the film's funniest line, though.

Where 80s Peter Vincent was a cowardly type, Tennant is more of a selfish arse. His helping Charley actually feels disingenuous. There's also a personal connection to Jerry and Vincent that has been added which seems pointless and tacked on. The CGI gore too, is a distraction. But as a whole, Fright Night overcomes its flaws enough to be a very entertaining ride. Well, Colin Farrell does throw a motorbike at a car.

Fright Night is not as good as its predecessor, although it is still a lot of fun in its own right. After all, Colin Farrell throws a motorbike at a car.

Daughter Of Darkness

Director: Stuart Gordon (1990)

Starring: Anthony Perkins, Mia Sara, Robert Reynolds, Jack Coleman

Find it: IMDB

An uncharacteristically dull Hammer rip-off from the usually reliable Stuart Gordon. Daughter Of Darkness sends Katherine Thatcher (Sara) to the dingy underworld of Romania in search of her missing father. Because it's Romania, she finds vampires, terrified Gypsies and Anthony Perkins. Being British, I can't help but suggest that vampire-populated Romania is the perfect place for a woman with the surname 'Thatcher'.

Anthony Perkins pretends not to be Katherine's father, but he might as well wearing a Darth Vader helmet for how obvious it is. She is quite stupid though. At one point, vampire Anthony Perkins is chained to the floor in front of a window as sunlight (very) slowly burns him to death. She runs off for about an hour to get help. Not once does she consider, y'know, covering the window.

Like Sookie in True Blood, it emerges that Katherine is a very special breed of human that all the vampires want to do sex with. Katherine is capable of carrying vampire babies. Daywalker vampire babies, like Blade. And talking of Blade, the vampires in Daughter Of Darkness sort of resemble the Reapers in Blade II; instead of teeth they have a little thing (the technical term) that pops out of their tongue and does all the sucking. Well, most of the sucking. The film does quite a lot of the sucking too.

Predictable joke.

This little innovation aside, the vampires are pretty rubbish. Most of them speak in Romanian accents, wear capes and sleep in coffins. One of them even looks like Grampa from The Munsters. In this age of sparkling vampires, sexy vampires and little Castrato vampires, Daughter Of Darkness has not aged very well. The only amusement to be had is in seeing Anthony Perkins hamming it up with a silly accent. The cheerleader's Dad from Heroes plays a supporting role as a jerky love interest; he probably delivers the only decent performance in the whole film.

Daughter Of Darkness is a disappointing failure from one of my favourite directors. Jeffrey Combs doesn't even turn up, which is usually a given in a Gordon film. The story is passable and the direction competent, but the villains are stupid and the characters are all idiots. It's an interesting curiosity, but not much beyond that.

Daddy's Girl

Director: DJ Evans (2006)

Starring: Richard Harrington, Jaime Winstone, Louise Delamere

Find it: IMDB

Troubled Emo (is there any other kind?) Nina (Winstone) crosses paths with equally troubled psychiatrist Doctor Stephen (Harrington) after she puts herself in hospital during a bout of self-harm. Kids today, eh. But Nina is no ordinary Emo; cutting herself is merely the means to an end, and not the main event. She's developed a taste for blood - the fresher and more human the better. Ugh, kids. If they're not wearing hoodies and looting Footlocker, then they're drinking blood and listening to You Me At Six (I checked with my teenage sister; that's definitely what the Emos these days are listening to).

Complications ensue when Doctor Stephen falls for Nina's mother (Delamere), making the situation even worse. Also, there's the fact that he's addicted to anti-depressants and still mourning the recent self-inflicted death of his own wife. Daddy's Girl is far from a cheerful film. Almost all of the characters attempt to commit suicide at one point, and when they're not trying to do that, they're chugging anti-depressants, killing things or being killed themselves.

If you look elsewhere, you may find Daddy's Girl marketed as Cravings. The DVD cover for Cravings depicts a pair of vampire fangs and is the sort of thing that could have been designed by somebody who has never seen Daddy's Girl. It's barely a vampire film. Beyond one of its characters drinking blood, it has as much in common with the vampire subgenre as Twilight.

The titular 'daddy's girl' is Jaime Winstone, daughter of hardman Ray. Thankfully she doesn't have her father's looks. Also thankfully, she's of a perfectly legal age in Daddy's Girl. I was beginning to worry for my tastes. I would say something like "phoar, she can drink my blood anytime," but she's quite intimidating in this movie. The finale is reminiscent of Audition, and whilst Daddy's Girl is not even nearly in the same league as that movie, you can see the sort of thing writer/director DJ Evans was going for.

It's a gloomy, moody, atmospheric piece, all damaged individuals and mental breakdowns. Dog lovers would be advised to steer clear of the liquidiser scene, as would those who dislike thoroughly miserable films about thoroughly miserable people. It was a bit too glum even for my tastes - and I listen to Morrissey every day and watch Jurassic Bark once a month - and none of the characters are at all likeable. Even the well-intentioned Doctor Stephen is too mopey to sympathise with, whilst Delamere's mother character eventually becomes as unlikable as her vampiric daughter.

Daddy's Girl is a very interesting, bleak film. If you can handle moody children, depressed adults and ineffectual authorities, then you'll get along just fine. For me, I don't think a little sparkling would have gone amiss.

Fright Night (1985)

Director: Tom Holland (1985)

Starring: Chris Sarandon, William Ragsdale, Roddy McDowall, Amanda Bearse

Find it: IMDB

Up there with Ghostbusters as my favourite 1980s' classic, Fright Night is a movie very dear to my heart. It's one of my favourite vampire movies of all time. I still own it on video cassette somewhere (a double feature tape, accompanied by the also-classic Candyman). I'm scheduled to see the David Tennant remake tomorrow, so decided to revisit this old favourite in anticipation. Having not seen Fright Night in ten years or so, I found myself worried that it might wind up being shit. Is it? Read on to find out.

No.

Long answer: Fright Night is every bit as good as I remember and then some. It's like Rear Window crossed with Dracula. Charley Brewster (Ragsdale) sees a coffin being carried into the house next door and becomes convinced that his new neighbour is a vampire. When he apparently sees a girl murdered and reports it to the police, silly Charley brings himself to vampire Jerry's (Sarandon) attention. Terrified, Charley turns to TV vampire hunter Peter Vincent (McDowall) for help. The Best Movie Since Ghostbusters ensues.

It's a lot tenser and a lot scarier than I remember it being, with Chris Sarandon's Jerry making more of an impact now than he did the first time I watched it. Colin Farrell, you have a lot to live up to (wifebeater vest or no). All I really remembered was a gory finale (still gruesome, but less gory than I remembered) and Roddy McDowall being thoroughly awesome. Roddy McDowall is still thoroughly awesome, especially now that I recognise Peter Vincent as a very clever Peter Cushing impersonation.

The nightclub sequence is a particular highlight, as is Evil Ed's (Stephen Geofferys) initial encounter with Vincent. Oozing sex and menace, Jerry terrifies Vincent and the kids towards an inevitable showdown (and a less good sequel), without so much as a single sparkle along the way.

It's glorious to discover that Fright Night is still a very good film, especially since my adulthood has brought with it a love of everything horror. Fright Night is good not only as a camp 1980s curiosity but also a horror gem. Tennant, Farrell and McLovin beware, this is one bar that has been set very high.

30 Days Of Night: Blood Trails

Director: Victor Garcia (2007)

Starring: Trip Hope

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

A prequel miniseries to the hit 30 Days Of Night movie, Blood Trails is utterly ruined by its presentation on DVD. Fair enough, I bought the thing in Poundland (for guess how much) but I can see no reason why they'd keep its TV series format and not edit all the episodes together into a semi-coherent film. Each episode is no more than ten minutes long, meaning that every ten or so minutes, you get a 'next time on Blood Trails' and two credit sequences. Even when you just skip the bastards with your remote, it's incredibly distracting. I can remember less about the film or the story and far too much being pissed off.

Blood Trails is about a recovering drug addict named George (Hope), who earns a living by running silly little errands for a covert gang of vampire hunters. He stumbles across a coded message from the vampires, planning something very big on a very specific date. Those who have seen 30 Days Of Night will recognise this as the vampires' attack on Barrow. But (SPOILER) since nobody comes to the rescue in 30 Days Of Night, you'll also know that this information will lead to nobody's salvation. There's about one gory vampire attack per episode, a guy who looks like Harry Knowles bites it, and Josh Hartnett at no point makes an appearance. As an Easter Egg, it's fine. As a prequel or feature in of itself, Blood Trails is inconsequential. The vampires still look and sound awesome, and there are some good moments of nasty violence, but the plot is less original than even Dark Days.

Passable as it might be, it's ruined by its own presentation and rendered more hassle than it's ultimately worth.

Dead Cert

Director: Steven Lawson (2010)

Starring: Craig Fairbass, Billy Murray, Dexter Fletcher, Jason Flemyng

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

Essentially Lock Stock And Two Smoking Vampires, Dead Cert enlists a cast of ex-Eastenders, rubbish British hardmen, 'that guy' faces, Jason Flemyng and adds vampires because that's totally a movie worth watching. If there's such a thing as a 'Dead Cert', it's that any movie about cockneys and fucking vampires will suck, especially if it stars ex-Eastenders or Danny Dyer.

Dead Cert is a veritable who's who of shady British actors, none of whom you'll know by name. Not quite so amusing if you don't watch a lot of English TV. A little like this review. Sorry about that, abroad people. Mickey from Shameless does a terrible Romanian accent. This is still more of an effort than Billy Murray makes - playing a character called 'Livenko', yet sticking with his cockney accent all the way through. You sla-ags.

Craig Fairbass plays Freddie 'Dead Cert' Frankham, a tough club owner in gangland London. One day, vampire Dante Livenko and his Eastern European mob enter the club with the intention of buying Freddie out. Before you can say "apples and pears", there's a Snatch style bit of bareknuckle boxing going on. One of Freddie's wet boxers VS one of Livenko's vampire musclemen. Needless to say, Freddie's man gets torn to shreds. We got us a fahkin' gang war on our hands, son.

Perry Benson and Dexter Fletcher seem to have been imported from a better movie. Danny Dyer makes a ridiculous cameo appearance. Dead Cert is a movie so bad that it seems rubbish even before Danny Dyer turns up.

Aside from a couple of silly flourishes, it's a script that consists of witless swearing ("you don't know fuck all about fuck all"), gruff threats and macho silliness. There's a lot more talking than there is action. Much of the movie's second half consists of the men sitting in a basement grumbling. Dusk Till Dawn managed to keep its vampires offscreen for much of the running time with much success. Dead Cert fails in this because the scenes without vampires aren't very interesting at all. But then, neither are the scenes with vampires.

The climax so desperately wants to be Dusk Till Dawn that you'll almost feel sorry for it, as the gangsters and vampires clash in a fairly crap way. The cockneys opt for beating the vampires over the head with their stakes instead of actually impaling them. Characters seem to just disappear or die in incoherent death scenes. Fairbass grunts his way through a number of fight scenes like a low-rent Ray Stevenson before clashing with Murray in the most anticlimactic of battles.

Deduct one Scream Queen from the below if you're incapable of enjoying crap movies ironically. Then deduct another if you don't recognize any of the names attached. You have no reason to watch Dead Cert.

Let Me In

Director: Matt Reeves (2010)

Starring: Kodi Smit-McPhee, Chloe Moretz, Richard Jenkins

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

Thankfully the only thing dumbed down by the Let The Right One In remake is the title. The moniker is clunky and a bit silly, but thankfully doesn't portend the thorough shittiness one might expect from this movie. Its biggest crime, as you might expect, is merely an unavoidable but constantly pervasive sense of pointlessness.

Owen (McPhee) is an unhappy child. His parents' marriage has broken up and he is routinely terrorised by bullies at school. And the weather's always crappy, which is bound to put a downer on anyone. Bonding over a rubik's cube, he meets Abby (Moretz) a kooky young girl who enjoys walking barefoot in the snow and shouting at her useless guardian (an almost unrecognizable Jenkins). But Owen's new girlfriend is hiding a secret. No, she's not a purple-haired superhero; the girl's a vampire.

But you know all that. Because you've seen Let The Right One In. Like the Hollywood Quarantine to Spain's [REC], Let Me In is a respectful, faithful piece that - in theory - is everything you'd want from a modern horror movie. The problem being, you don't know where the original stops and the remake begins. It's hard to praise a movie like Let Me In or Quarantine when the template is there for all to see. Let Me In is almost a scene-for-scene remake with improvements made only on a superficial level.

The things Let Me In does better than The Right One (wait for it, there's a King Pun payoff in the last paragraph) are technical type things. So Not-Daddy's serial killings are better, Abby is scarier, Owen is weirder and the crap CGI cats are gone. However, I actually liked the crap CGI cats. The scene in which the woman is attacked by cats was one of the best things about Let The Right One In. Every movie should have a scene in which a woman is attacked by crap CGI cats. Let Me In has no such scene.

Nevertheless, it's an eminently watchable piece. The performances are all very good - particularly McPhee and Hit Girl. Professional That Guy Elias Koteas and Richard Jenkins bring yet more gravitas to the already heavily loaded table. Director Matt Reeves does a great job in the directorial chair. It's just a shame he chose to lend his talents to such an overtly unnecessary flick.

Let Me In is a good start to the re-emerging Hammer brand. It's a very good piece, and if its subtitled predecessor didn't exist, I'd probably give it 5/5 stars. This is a story worth telling, make no mistake. But if you're going to feed just one vampire love story to your DVD player, please make sure you Let The Right One In.

30 Days Of Night: Dark Days

Director: Ben Ketai (2010)

Starring: Kiele Sanchez, Rhys Coiro, Harold Perrineau

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

Yay. A sequel to my favourite modern vampire movie not to be entitled Let The Right One In. It has a multitude of problems (for a movie supposedly set over a period of 30 days, its pacing sucks) and Josh Hartnett is in it, but I love 30 Days Of Night. It's the perfect antidote to a world of sparkling and whingeing vampires.

Dark Days loses most of what made the original good. Barrow, Alaska doesn't really feature, Melissa George isn't in it, David Slade isn't in the director's chair, and it went straight to DVD. But still, Dark Days is a worthy sequel. It's a Wrong Turn 2 sort of sequel. Kinda crappy but still very much a blast.

Stella (Sanchez) has left Barrow and relocated to Los Angeles, spreading the word about vampires. There, she attracts the attention of both a vampire Queen called Lilith (Mia Kirshner) and a team of vampire hunting badasses. One of whom happens to be Michael from offa LOST. Any movie which stars a LOST alumni is usually fine by me. Also amusingly, Michael is as useless here as he was in LOST. There's also a rogue FBI agent, a girl who doesn't like Stella very much, and a nice vampire called Dane. Well, he had to be nice, didn't he? Dane is a crap vampire name.

Whilst the plot is more predictable and everyday than its predecessor's, Dark Days continues the tradition of cruel violence, ridiculous gore and cool vampire designs. The way the vampires look and sound is carried over from the last 3o Days, all teeth and black eyes and predatory squeals. Unlike most bloodsucker flicks, the emphasis here is on dismemberment over staking, and this leads to some very entertaining head-popping scenes. Heads are cut off, shot at and thoroughly caved in. The action here is wonderfully gory. It's everything one could ask for from an STD sequel.

The acting is occasionally shoddy and all of the environments look the same (the bit set on the boat could literally pass for the bit set in a warehouse and the bit set in a tunnel) but these issues can be mostly ignored for the sake of silly violence and bloodsucking action.

30 Days of Night

Director: David Slade (2007)

Director: Josh Hartnett, Melissa George, Danny Huston, Ben Foster

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon

Even before they started sparkling, vampires were in trouble. Unlike the humble zombie, going through a career resurrection at the time, our bloodsucking friends seemed to be stuck in a state of permanent thrombosis. Let the Right One In wouldn't come for another year, and it seemed that vampires had nothing but the occasional Blade flick and a neverending stream of Gothy emo nonsense to their IMDB credit. Don't get me wrong, I like dark romanticism and subtextual sexuality as much as the next person, but the recurrent themes are as old as Dracula hisself. Shake it up a bit, y'know?

Enter 30 Days of Night, which does away with any subtext, pathos or romance and simply has its vampires act like complete bastards. It's not as revisionist a movie as I might be making it sound - vampires have been portrayed like this many times before - but it's just refreshing to not have to see them making long, overwrought speeches and acting all lonely like. Based on the Steve Niles/Ben Templesmith comic book of the same name, 30 Days of Night has its vampires visit the small town of Barrow, Alaska, where the sun can stay set for a whole month. This gives the vamps a whole month to party hard. And hard they do party.

A noticeably unawful Josh Hartnett plays the humans' leader, Sheriff Eben Oleson. Looking at that name, and at Barrow's location, I really don't think Eben was a character concieved as a white American chap. Still, I don't suppose there are that many Inuit Leading Men out there that Hollywood would be happy marketing their movie around. Melissa George plays his estranged wife, Stella. I'd whine about her casting too, but I'm a little bit in love with Melissa George. And when I say 'a little bit', I mean 'a lot'. Ahem, anyway. The creepy Ben Foster kid from off've Pandorum shows up and breaks all of Barrow's phones and dogs. Because vampires are really scared of phones and dogs. Eben arrests him, but it's too little too late. The phones and dogs have already been trashed. And the vampires attack.

And they don't let up one bit. As soon as the vampires arrive in Barrow, the movie hits the accelerator and doesn't slow down until the end. In fact, the vampires are so effective in their killins' that you don't really buy that the slaughter could last a whole 30 days. The whole movie could just as easily take place in one night, and you wouldn't really notice. Although it would sacrifice that brilliant title. Really, the shonky handling of the timescale is my biggest problem with 30 Days of Night. Director Dave Slade does a better job of making you feel it than Niles/Templesmith did in the comic book, but it just doesn't feel like a full month of action. The characters get wearier and harier (although I could grow a better beard than Hartnett's in a week, let alone 30 days) but not to 30 days' extent. But that's just nitpicking.

The action is truly outstanding. Slade delivers the goods again and again - most notably in a fight with a little girl vampire, an explosive set piece with a truck, and finally with an axe and a wonky head chopping. The antagonists are scarier than vampires have been for a long time, whilst the protagonists have Melissa George to distract from the occasional bit of wooden acting. I'm no fan of Josh Hartnett, but he's better than you might expect here. It has its flaws, but 30 Days of Night is a blast of a movie. It delivers scares, action and gore likely to please most horrorhounds, and best of all - no whingeing or sparkling. I'm not gonna say that it bodes well for Slade's Eclipse - the source material is that shitty - but y'know, I might be inclined to hate it just that little bit less.*

* Well, no, probably not.

Thirst

Director: Park Chan-Wook (2009)

Starring: Song Kang-ho, Kim Ok-bin, Shin Ha-kyun

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

Not your typical vampire love story. But then, it's directed by Park Chan-wook of Oldboy and I'm a Cyborg but that's OK fame, so you already knew that. Priest Sang-hyun (Song Kang-ho) works at a hospital, providing ministry for dying patients. Dissatisfied with his lot in life, Sang-hun volunteers to be infected with a particularly nasty virus, in the hope of finding a cure. No such luck. He dies, along with 500 other infected unfortunates. Bad times.

But death is not to be. Sang-hyun recieves a blood transfusion which apparently cures his particular dose of death. What looks like a miracle turns out to be something entirely different. See, Sang-hyun becomes a vampire. Has to drink blood on a regular basis, otherwise he'll revert to his messy state of dead. More bad times.

Whilst dealing with his vampirism, Sang-hyun happens across childhood crush Tae-ju (Kim Ok-bin); now married to a cancer suffering hypochondriac and suffering under the dictatorship of Lady Ra. Because alienated weird types are always attracted to vampires, Tae-ju falls for Sang-hyun and they begin a secret romance. Alas, a vampire's lot in life death is never a happy one, and things quickly snowball out of control, ending in much violence, bloodshed and nastiness. Bad times.

Just when you'd thought the vampire myth had nothing left to offer, something always comes along to prove you wrong. For every Twi-shite, there's a Let the Right one In; for every Vampire Diaries, there's a Being Human. The vampire myth is a resilient one, constant in its refusal to bow down against the shit that besmirches its name. There are a lot of vampire romances about at the moment, but few of them work as well as Thirst.

For one, it's not afraid to be kinky. Thirst boasts some of the steamiest vamp action I've seen in a long time (well, since the graveyard sex scenes in True Blood, anyway). There's lots of sex in the first half of the movie, and it's surprisingly hot and sweaty stuff. Mind you, the poster does have a fella with some sexy lady-legs wrapped around his neck, so that should clue you in a bit. But there's a sweet side to things too. It's a lovely little romance, not hampered by shitty dialogue, heart-throb actors or religious agenda. It's properly funny. It's violent. It's silly. It's spooky. Thirst is what it is. And what Thirst is, mostly, is bloody good.

It's believable stuff (well, as believable as a film about vampires ever could be, I suppose). Whereas there's a temptation to romanticise this sort of affair, Thirst shows the fucked up side of vampire love. Things get bitter and vicious, which is all very recognizeable if you've ever had a relationship at any point, ever. Maybe they should have called this 500 (nights of vampirism), since it's as much about the degredation of a relationship as it is vampirism. Having said that, there's a lovely lack of whingeing too. Whiny immortals have become commonplace, but Sang-hyun largely gets on with things. You can see his distaste with the whole thing - and he shoulders a coffinload of guilt later on - but there's a refreshing lack of proper moping to his movements. Indeed, you actually see him taking proper steps to stop things before they get any worse.

Despite the fierce originality to this and the rest of Chan-wook's films, Thirst isn't afraid to stick very closely to the already established vampire mythos. His bloodsuckers are properly dead, allergic to sunlight, sleep in coffins and have all the superhuman abilities of a Blade character. And these jumping across rooftops and big vampy fight scenes fit quite well with the spookier, more subtle stuff, ensuring Thirst never gets boring, no matter how long it goes on.

And yes, it is a bit on the long side. But there are enough beats to the story to keep up the momentum and stop lethargy from setting in too much. The final scenes are amongst the best I've ever seen, both in terms of action (it's violent, funny and slapsticky stuff) and proper, stick-in-yer-throat emotion. Thirst comes highly recommended, even if you think you've had your fill of modern vampire flicks. Good times.

Daybreakers

Director: The Spierig brothers (2009)

Starring: Ethan Hawke, Sam Neill, Willem Defoe, Claudia Karvan

Find it online: IMDB

A world populated mostly by vampires is far more functional than movies such as I Am Legend would have you believe. Whilst Will Smith’s bloodsuckers spent their days skulking in warehouses and letting the world go to waste, Daybreakers has them properly ruling the world; as the opening credits roll we get vampire TV, vampire Starbucks, vampire-adapted cars and vampire chavs.

Ethan Hawke plays a vampire called Edward, and he doesn’t, at any point over the movie’s running time, sparkle. He’s a haematologist, trying to create a blood substitute. Because the greedy vamps have decimated 95% of the human population, there’s a thirst on. Being a reluctant vampire, Edward refuses to drink blood and desperately wants to save humanity from extinction. Meanwhile, Boss Man Charles Bromley (Sam Neill, on fine slimy form) wants to farm the humans for their blood and sell it at a high profit.

Thing is, if Daybreaker’s vampires don’t drink blood, they start to degenerate – eventually turning into bat-like zombie hobos, so stupid that they’ll even turn on other vampires to quench their thirst. Doc Edward best hope he finds a blood replacement soon, because things are looking grim. It’s little wonder that vampires seem to be constantly smoking. Non-smokers will definitely hate this movie, since Edward perpetually seems to be wandering around with a fag in his mouth.

On his miserable travels, Edward happens across a band of humans, led by ex-vampire Willem Defoe. Apparently Defoe has himself a cure for vampirism. Full of self-loathing and general Ethan Hawkiness, Edward joins forces with the humans in an attempt to cure himself. Cue several messy fights, decapitations and well-done action set pieces.

It’s pitched as a cross between The Matrix and 28 Days Later but is actually like neither of those movies. Daybreakers actually reminded me more of a cross between Equilibrium and Blade. But I can see why they wouldn’t want to mention Equilibrium on the posters. Thankfully, it’s much better than that particular BaleBat-turd. It’s an interesting world which the vampires live in; slightly reminiscent of the reality suggested in True Blood (albeit with the vampire/human balance more than slightly skewed). It's a fun idea, and one I wouldn't mind seeing revisited in sequel form.

Ethan Hawke does his Ethan Hawke thing, and it works well here; few actors do the tortured action man thing like Hawke, and it definitely suits the character. He’s ably supported by Neill and Defoe. Bromley is undeniably a great villain, and adds a nice element of meanness to the movie. Willem Defoe is cool in everything, and is no different here. His character – nicknamed Elvis – looks and feels like a long-lost brother to Zombieland’s Tallahassee. It's just a shame that he doesn't get to share any screen time with Neill. There'd undoubtedly be sparks to be found there.

Alas, vampires have been overexposed as of late, and that hurts Daybreakers cause. Cool and fun as it may be, there’s always the overriding feeling that you’ve seen it all before. Of the other downsides, there’s a few too many Deus Ex Machina, and some of the characterisation is a bit predictable.

But despite its minor flaws, Daybreakers is a strong start to 2010 (at least, in the UK it is. It came out last year in the US) and an excellent reclamation of credibility for the otherwise loved-up and limp vampire subgenre.

Thicker than Water: the vampire diaries

Director: Phil Messerer (2008)

Starring: Eilis Cahill, Devon Bailey, Jojo Hristova, Michael Strelow

Find it online: IMDB, Official website, Amazon US

Another vampire film, but thankfully free of sparkling vampires. Any modern vampire film in which the vampires don’t sparkle or fall in love is fine by me. Thicker Than Water: The Vampire Diaries (Part 1) does not feature sparkling vampires and nobody falls in love. That automatically earns it a Scream Queen in my book. Or on my blog, as it were.

Anyway, Thicker Than Water is described by writer/director Phil Messerer as a heady mix of The Evil Dead and, um The Royal Tenenbaums. With its low budget and its vampires, one would think that Thicker Than Water should really be shit. I feel quite bad in that I did expect not to enjoy this film. But no, the film really is quite good, which is a nice change.

Thicker Than Water tells the story of the Baxter family, a set of ordinary suburban folks whose world is turned upside down when one of their daughters is turned into a vampire. The film is narrated by Lara (Cahill), a precocious young Goth. After her more popular sister, Helen (Bailey) humiliates Lara on their 16th birthday, the bitter Goth lays an Anne Rice style curse down on Helen’s bimbo ass. This culminates with her sister becoming a daylight-avoiding bloodsucker. The family close ranks to protect their infected brethren, hiding her away and feeding her on random passers-by.

In terms of plot, there’s not a terrible amount going on, but there doesn’t really need to be. Thicker Than Water shines with its funny, intelligent script and good performances from its leading players. The direction rises above its low budget in that you can really see the influence of Sam Raimi and even Wes Anderson in there. Fans of vampire fiction will really enjoy this movie, since it respects the usual tropes whilst also bringing something new to the table. It doesn't skimp on the gore either, which is always good.

Thicker Than Water won a bunch of festival awards, and its easy to see why. It copes with its low budget better than most, combining a snappy, witty script with some great gore and an intelligently executed concept. It’s a good job that the ending sets itself up for a sequel, since I’ll eagerly await further entries to the Vampire Diaries.

List: 10 not-sexy vampires

Well, I was gonna write some actual words to go with the actual list, but I think it probably speaks for itself. Everything but the top 3 is more or less interchangeable... And remember, vampires don't fucking sparkle.

10: Leslie Neilson's Dracula in Dracula: Dead & Loving it















9: Grampa in The Munsters

8: Fat Pearl in Blade












7: Nosferatu in Nosferatu

6: Tarantino in From Dusk Till Dawn















5: Mr. Burns in one of the Treehouses of Horror

4: The Master in Buffy the Vampire Slayer

3: Nicolas Cage in Vampire's Kiss

2: Robert Pattinson in Twilight (note: picture below may not actually be from Twilight and could might possibly definitely have been chosen out of context just to prove the author's point).















1: Tom Cruise.

Lesbian Vampire Killers

First published June 2009, before James Corden became the all-consuming Evil that plagues us now.

Director: Phil Cladydon (2009)

Starring: Matthew Horne, James Corden, Lesbian Vampires, Paul McCann

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK

Hoping to emulate the success of fellow Brit stars Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, the comedians Matthew Horne and James Corden make their big screen debut in Lesbian Vampire Killers. Aka Nuts Magazine: The Movie. Unfortunately, they forgot the humour, wit and intelligence which makes Shaun of the Dead such an excellent movie.

Like 2006’s Severance, this is a movie which feels tailor made to the lads’ mag audience. Unlike Severance, however, Horne and Corden didn't bother to include a decent script, any good jokes, scares or any of the memorably gruesome set pieces. Instead, screenwriters Hupfield and Williams fill the running time with a whole bunch of nob gags, lesbianisism and more nob gags.

That said, never mind the snobs. Lesbian Vampire Killers works on its own crude, stupid level. The eponymous vampires are nice to look at, whilst the chemistry between Horne and Corden – a (very) low-budget Pegg and Frost – is infectious. Besides, who doesn’t like a good nob gag now and then?

The 'plot' sees best mates Jimmy (Horne) and Fletch (Corden) hiking in the British countryside, with depressed Jimmy attempting to recover from being dumped by his girlfriend. Just as the holiday looks to be an all-out sausage-factory, the lads come across a busload of young, attractive ladies. They drive out to a small cabin in the woods, awaken some sapphic lesbian forces and violence/boobies/nob gags ensue.

By a Transylvanian mile, Paul McGann is the best thing in the movie; appearing as a hard-as-nails, sweary vicar. A little more blood wouldn’t have gone amiss, but the OTT violence is amusing on a trashy, low-rent sort of level.

Reviews for Lesbian Vampire Killers have been almost universally negative. And rightly so. Cinema tickets cost a shitload of money nowadays, and this certainly isn’t worth the price of admission, but it at least rates a rental or late-night TV viewing. Just be sure to stock up on alcohol/weed/crack/your drug of choice for the full effect.

Fuck, at the very least, it isn’t Ant & Dec: The Movie, which grants it one Scream Queen by proxy.