Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Director: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor (2011)
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Idris Elba, Ciaran Hinds, Johnny Whitworth
Find it: IMDB

Of all the ways 2007's Ghost Rider managed to disappoint, it was in casting Nicolas Cage as a man whose head caught fire all the time that was the biggest disappointment of all. Not because Cage is an inherently bad Johnny Blaze (although he probably is) but mostly because not once did Ghost Rider realise the potential of Nic Cage playing a character whose head catches fire all the time. In Spirit Of Vengeance, not only does Nicolas Cage's head catch fire all the time, but sometimes he shouts things too. HE'S SCRATCHING AT THE DOOR, hothead Cage yells, channelling a spirit not seen since NOT THE BEES or that one movie where he threatens to shoot an old lady for eyeballing his Iguana.


Spirit Of Vengeance is directed by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, who brought us two of my favourite action movies of recent years - the mental Crank films. Spirit Of Vengeance never approaches the craziness of that Statham silliness, but it does have Ghost Rider using his flaming urine as a flamethrower and vomiting hot bullets into an enemy's face.

Set in Eastern Europe, this sort-of-sequel sees Nicolas Cage attempting to hold back the demons within when he is approached by Moreau (Elba) with a tempting proposition: in exchange for finding and protecting a magical macguffin child, he will exorcise Blaze's inner demon. However, the boy is only the bloody antichrist (maybe) and is also pursued by the devil (wearing Ciaran Hinds's body) and an angry gangster with all the powers of 2000ad's Judge Mortis. Not advertised: Giles from Buffy, Idris Elba's atrocious and occasional Irish accent, and Christopher Lambert (!) with scribbles on his face. I was inordinately excited at seeing Christopher Lambert return to the big screen, because Christopher Lambert is awesome.

It's probably good that I'm no Ghost Rider fan, since this film doesn't take the character remotely seriously. Nicolas Cage is essentially playing mad Nicolas Cage - complete with inappropriate screaming, weird bodily tics and terrible hair. As Ghost Rider, the CGI is awful (his flaming head doesn't seem to be connected to his body) but the action scenes have a wonderful punky vibe to them. The extra violence adds an element sorely missing from the previous film, as does all the screaming heavy metal and Nicolas Cage's constant gurning (depending on one's tolerance for Nicolas Cage screaming and gurning). The presence of Idris Elba and Ciaran Hinds should make Spirit Of Vengeance seem classy and worthy, but they actually have the opposite effect.

It's similar in tone and style to Cage's Drive Angry, but somehow less fun. Ghost Rider himself isn't in the film enough (is there a rule that all superhero sequels should have the hero quit at some point?) and the story is utter tosh. Still, it does have Nicolas Cage doing what he does best:

Pulling that face.

The Devil Inside

Director: William Brent Bell (2012)

Starring: Fernanda Andrade, Simon Quartermain, Suzan Crowley

Find it: IMDB

Seeing a movie on the big screen with a large audience, can vastly improve the moviegoing experience. It's been suggested that my indifference to Insidious was because I saw that on a tiny television screen, alone. And thanks to its audience, I could've sworn blind that Spider-Man 3 was a good movie. In the case of The Devil Inside, the entire audience were laughing their collective and individual arses off. I laugh at most horror, but this is one of the few times everyone else in the room has joined me in a cheeky LOL (the other times usually having something to do with a Night Shyamalan).

The Devil Inside starts off pretending to be a documentary (with talking heads and everything) and then descends into being the Paranormal Activity rip-off it is at heart. Isabella Rossi (Andrade) and documentary maker Michael (Ionut Grama) travel to Italy to investigate a crime her mother committed years ago, during an exorcism gone wrong. Isabella's priest friends determine that Mother is still possessed. They invite her to join them in a series of unauthorised exorcisms. Meanwhile, the funniest demonic horror movie since Repossessed.

There's a scene in which one of the priests baptises a baby 'John Thomas'. Calling your newborn son John Thomas is only marginally more acceptable than calling it Richard Head. And during the possession scenes, there's some brilliant swearing. But demonic swearing only works if your movie is actually scary. And since The Devil Inside is fairly incompetent in its horror, the swearing just comes across as hilarious filth; the sort of thing you'd see scripted in a Todd Phillips movie.

There's some nearly scary stuff (all in the trailer, mind). Suzan Crowley does bug-eyed well. I even jumped once (at the cheapest scare, involving a dog). And Italy looks nice. The Devil Inside is essentially a found footage version of The Rite, rite down to an act of violence committed upon an unsuspecting child. But beyond its two fairly impressive exorcism scenes, the rest of the film makes little sense. The last quarter has the urgency of [REC] without any of the scares and too much predictability. It becomes completely manic, over the top and incredibly implausible. There's demonic transference and then there's taking the piss. Kitchen sink transference. It's not remotely believable as a faux-documentary or otherwise, and the ending is just as bad as everyone says it is.

Going in with very low expectations, I enjoyed The Devil Inside. It's a hilarious movie up until you realise that by paying to see it, you're keeping a cynical half-arsed approach to filmmaking in business.

Exorcismus

Director: Manuel Carballo (2010)

Starring: Sophie Vavasseur, Tommy Bastow, Stephen Billington

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

No, I don't think 'exorcismus' is a real word either. Emma (Vavasseur) is a typical sullen, emo fifteen year old. Not only does she have to deal with the usual teenage nonsense, but it appears that she's gone and gotten herself possessed by a demon too. Her initially skeptical parents are convinced when she begins levitating around the kitchen. Emma's parents are easily forgiven though. I have a fifteen-year-old sister and she acts demonic all the time. It's very hard to tell the difference between possession and puberty. Kids, eh.

Exorcismus starts out like an episode of House, before building to a chilly, violent climax. Its midsection is where Exorcismus is at its best, carefully cranking up the tension and letting us care about Emma's family before its demolishment by demon. Even the overbearing, naggy parents prove sympathetic over time, whilst the kid playing Emma's little brother is far less irritating than most child actors. Even if the character is called 'Mark'. Yes, my biggest gripe with Exorcismus is its decision to call a child Mark. Nobody under the age of 30 is called Mark. Anytime anyone in the movie says "Mark", there's me sniggering.

Otherwise, Exorcismus is an effective, affecting slice of spooky; as sad as it is scary. You'll root for Emma to overcome her problems and hope that her family manage to survive it all. Eventually, Priest Christopher (Billington) arrives to help the family, and it's here that the movie's biggest problems begin to emerge.

Aside from some cursory exorcism scenes, the Priest and Emma/the demon's dialogue consists largely of unwieldy exposition and castoff nonsense left over from the likes of Constantine and The Rite. It's far less subtle than the preceding scenes, and heralds a messy, shouty finale overreliant on its sulky teenager and scary demon voice FX. It's still good though, and better than a great deal of most demon horror post-The Exorcist and The Omen. It's just that the low-key drama and underplayed eyelid batting tends to work better than theatrics in this case, and I didn't really feel Exorcismus needed to go down such a conventional route.

Even with its more overdone elements intact, Exorcismus is a fine horror movie. Demons be damned. Nothing is scarier than a sulky fifteen-year-old girl bedecked in a hoodie, thowing a wobbler. Except maybe for kids called 'Mark'. It's unnatural, I tells you.

The Rite

Director: Mikael Hafstrom (2011)

Starring: Anthony Hopkins, Colin O' Donoghue, Ruger Hauer

Find it: IMDB

A grumpy Anthony Hopkins teaches a skeptical American student the ways of exorcism in The Rite, a classy horror drama that lacks pea soup but has Anthony Hopkins saying "awesome dude" and bitchslapping unsuspecting children.

Michael Kovak (Donoghue) flees his family home to become a trainee priest. Or whatever it is you call kids in priest school. Mind, his heart's not in it and the chap plans to drop out before graduating. The Church refuse and make Mike take a course in exorcism in Italy. There he encounters Ciaran Hinds, a potential love interest and Anthony Hopkins surrounded by cats. Hopkins's Father Trevant is an expert exorcist and, despite his grumbly ways, takes Michael under his wing. During his first exorcism, something happens to make Kovak doubt his own scepticism. Is it possible that demonic possession could be a real thing? Well, with Father Trevant starting to act a bit peculiar, Kovak had better make his mind up.

I'm not the biggest fan of exorcism movies, but I enjoyed The Rite. Personally, I don't see the need for further exorcism flicks beyond The Exorcist and maybe Repossessed, but if I must watch something with priests and sweary d

emons in, The Rite will do fine enough.

Its cast of quality actors certainly helps. Colin O' Donoghue is good as priest kid Kovak, as is ladyfriend Alice Braga. Small roles for the likes of Toby Jones and Ciaran Hinds stress the movie's dramatic intentions. Whilst I would liked to have seen more of Rutger Hauer (as Kovak's daddy dearest) there's more than enough of Sir Anthony Hopkins to go around.

I suspect The Rite would have been a much duller movie without Hopkins in it. Little wonder his face is on the poster, since he gives the movie's best performance and is entirely engaging and good throughout. He's on the same autopilot mode he was during Red Dragon, but even half-arsed Anthony Hopkins is good Anthony Hopkins.

He's assisted by some nifty exorcism scenes and fairly tense drama. Hopes of some good kitty-related murders (Rome is full of them apparently) are dashed (no crappy Let The Right One In style kitty murders then), but The Rite has its fair few moments of nasty. The best of which:

Sir Anthony Hopkins punches a child in the face.

I think I've been waiting my whole life to see Sir Anthony Hopkins punch a child in the face. It made me LOL in ways only kiddy violence can. Otherwise, it's a slow, thoughtful movie enlivened by elegant performances, a good bit of demonic horror and Sir Anthony Hopkins punching a little girl in the head. In other words, it's a bit of all-Rite.

Necromentia

Director: Pearry Reginald Teo (2009)

Starring: Layton Matthews, Santiago Craig, Zeliann Rivera

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

A movie quite heavily indebted to the work of Clive Barker, Necromentia plays like something of a love-letter to the horror maestro. That said, it really works. Necromentia is possibly the finest bit of demonic horror since, well, Hellraiser. Put Mr. Teo behind the reins of the remake and I wouldn't complain.

Three men find their lives turned upside down when they come across a (self) tattooed Ouija Board which opens a gateway to other dimensions. The dimension in question seems to resemble the inside of Clive Barker's head for some reason. But that's a good place for a horror movie to be, so we'll let it off. It's a difficult movie to explain and even to follow, but definitely one worth watching. It's a non-linear movie, chock full of nightmarish imagery, hideous-looking demons, scenes of sadomasochism, addiction, torture and ultraviolence. There's a fat monster in a pig mask who dances around singing about having things vibrating up his bottom. There's a grey thing with a gas mask and various toothy demons, all of which make Necromentia a very interesting movie.

For all of its horror and gruesomeness, Necromentia is ostensibly about the power of love, and how far you'd go for a loved one. It'd be sweet if it wasn't so horrid. It's an impressively good movie considering its relatively low budget and straight-to-DVD status. Well worth seeking out, and should tide one over nicely until the inevitable Hellraiser remake.

Night Of The Demons (2009)

Director: Adam Gierasch (2009)

Starring: Edward Furlong, Shannon Elizabeth, Linnea Quigley, Michael Arata

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

An all-growed up but still quite cherubic Edward Furlong battles demons in a haunted house on Halloween. There are also breasts, sex and quite a lot of gore. What more do you need to know? Furlong plays a harrassed drug dealer trapped in a New Orleans mansion where demons are unleashed and dangerous games of spin the bottle are played. A demon shags a woman up the botty until she turns into a demon too, and unpleasant things are done with a tube of lipstick. Can Furlong and his crew of fellow partiers survive until daybreak? For all its gross-out horror and, um, Shannon Elizabeth, Night Of The Demons is like American Pie crossed with From Dusk Till Dawn.

If that sounds terrible, it's because Night Of The Demons '09 is pretty terrible. But in the very best way. It's tasteless and horrible and the pacing sucks - it takes too long to get going and there are too many lulls in the action -but it makes for an eminently watchable movie. Sincerely, this is Shannon Elizabeth's best performance to date. Make of that rather odd sentence what you will. For all its considerable faults, Night Of The Demons is a fun movie. It's a funny but unironic splatterfest in the tradition of such classics as Evil Dead, the original Night Of The Demons and Braindead. It's not as good as any of those movies, but infinitely more preferable than yet another modern torture bit. I loved Night Of The Demons. But yes, I am ever so slightly ashamed to admit that.

Wishmaster

Director: Robert Kurtzman (1997)

Starring: Tammy Lauren, Andrew Divoff, Robert Englund

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

Robin Williams on a bad day, methinks. After an alkie crane-worker drops a very ancient and very dangerous artefact (on Ted Raimi's head, no less), the evil Djinn is awakened; a genie, but not as we know it. Put the big blue Aladdin bastich outta your head, this genie of the piece looks like a Buffy reject and gets his kicks in turning people's badly-worded wishes against them.

For some reason I kinda missed, the Djinn needs to own the soul of Alexandra (Lauren) before he and his fellow Djinn can inherit the Earth. In order to do this, he needs for her to ask of him three wishes. This involves him cutting a swathe through pretty much every horror icon of modern horror cinema. I only recently saw Wishmaster for the first time, and was pleasantly surprised by the amount of cameos in this movie. Although seeing the likes of Robert Englund, Kane Hodder and Tony Todd play cannon fodder is jarring to say the least, it sure is fun spotting them as they show up. Never will get that image of Robert Englund whimpering like a big girl's blouse outta my head though. And Kane Hodder's beard is hella odd.

Wishmaster is a blast, proving that not all 90s' horror is complete bull-doo-doo. Andrew Divoff makes for a great villain, and the multitude of gore scenes are done with humour, panache and a great big side-helping of sadism. Producer Wes Craven's involvement is quite evident throughout, although Kurtzman's direction is fun and snappy. Wishmaster is everything (WAIT FOR IT) one could wish for from a horror movie (GET IT. WISHMASTER... WISH FOR... AAAND HOLD FOR APPLAUSE)