Wyrmwood: Road of the Dead

Director: Kiah Roache-Turner (2014)

Starring: Jay Gallagher, Bianca Bradey, Leon Burchill

Find it: IMDB

There's few make genre movies quite as interesting as those of the Aussies. Their weird filmmaking prowess is such that there's a whole documentary dedicated to the exploits of Ozploitation (the itself-rather-fantastic Not Quite Hollywood). The Aussies have been relatively quiet in recent years, but they're back on the map with the critically and fanboy acclaimed zombie effort Wyrmwood: Road of the Dead.

I'll make no secret of the fact that I'm sick and tired of zombies; especially so in no-budget cinema. I'll make an occasional exception for The Walking Dead, but only during its more interesting half-seasons and finales (Alexandria, basically). Otherwise, I could quite happily see the subgenre die off for a while before its next inevitable resurrection or (good) [REC] sequel. Wrmwood, however, is one of the better ones. I haven't had this much fun with a zombie film since the equally crazy Dead Snow 2. 

A lot of that isn't even down to the zombies; that'll be thanks to its frantic Sam Raimi/Edgar Wright esque direction, gory ultraviolence and Mad Max approach to zombie killing. Even better, its human villain is an actual mad scientist, and we don't get nearly enough of those in modern horror cinema. With his his syringes full of green gunk (how very Herbert West), zany dance routines and laconic bastardry, he makes what could have been a series of dull torture scenes seem colourful and exciting. Fair play to poor Bianca Bradey, who has to give most of her own performance through her eyes alone - tied to a wall with a strap over her mouth for most of the running time, I'd forgotten what her voice sounds like by the film's halfway mark. She does a great job though, managing to convey strength and badassery in spite of the fact that she spends more time tied up in this film than most bondage models do during a day's work (full disclosure: most bondage films are only about ten minutes long).

Hers is a more interesting story than the actual road trip element of Road of the Dead, which is pretty slow and meandering at times. Her onscreen brother makes a good working class action hero, but lacks character beyond the death of his family and some pretty entertaining rage fits. It's a little long, a little slow and a little lacking in momentum, but Wyrmwood is one of the better zombie films of recent years. With a sequel on the way, let's hope that next time we get a story worthy of the actors and the world their characters inhabit. Because what we have here, ultimately, is a road which doesn't really go anywhere. Sub pun: it's not great, but you know what they say about roads and good intentions.

Filth

Director: Jon S. Baird (2013)
Starring: James McAvoy, Jamie Bell, Eddie Marsan
Find it: IMDB

A film which was released in October and I have seen three times already. A film which apparently gets better every time I see it. A film which I gave a 3/5 the first time I saw it, a 4/5 the second time I watched it and, finally, 5/5 last time. I guess next time I see Filth, it'll have achieved 6/5. By the time I watch it for the umpteenth time, it'll have achieved self-awareness.

I have never claimed to be one of those impartial, objective reviewer types, but there is something about Filth which really speaks to me, making it one of the best films I've seen in years. Maybe it's because James McAvoy is also incapable of growing a beard, instead winding up with a crap gingery, pube-esque stubble through which you can still sort of see the outline of a chin. Shit beard growers of the word, unite.

McAvoy plays Filth, a medium-ranking police officer suffering from drug addiction, alcoholism and a severe bipolar disorder. Determined to score himself a big promotion, Filth bullies, lies and undermines his way around his colleagues while also attempting to solve an all-important murder case on the way. Meanwhile, the hallucinations and delusions get ever worse, with Filth Bruce rapidly spiralling out of control. I read Irvine Welsh's Filth in preparation for its UK cinema release. It quickly climbed the charts to become one of the best things I've ever read.

As such, Baird's adaptation was initially a disappointment. There's not even a tapeworm. The film baulks at the darkness of Welsh's novel, cutting back and toning down much of its excesses. Honestly, I just wanted the tapeworm. But then, as I watched the film for a second and third time, I came to appreciate Filth for what it was - watchable. Honestly, if they'd left in everything the film cut out, you'd be left with something as unwatchable as Salo. And, besides, this version has an insane energy all of its own.

McAvoy is mesmerising as the almost irredeemable Bruce Robertson. Grubby, nasty, horrible and yet charismatic in spite of it all, it's a fascinating portrayal of a very Scottish Bad Leuitenant. It's not hard to imagine Nicolas Cage playing Bruce in an American remake. Around him, the film thrives on its surrealist scenes of fantasy, animation, impromptu musical numbers and, um, Jim Broadbent with a massive head (essentially standing in for a tapeworm). Eddie Marsan, Shauna Macdonald, Jamie Bell and Imogen Poots all impress in supporting roles, while John Sessions is the most bearable he's ever been.  

Since its release, Filth has quickly become a solid favourite. Even better, its Christmas setting makes it a great festive watch. This isn't the Filth of the novel, but it's gorgeous all the same.

Berberian Sound Studio

Director: Peter Strickland (2012)
Starring: Toby Jones, Tonia Sotiropoulou, Cosimo Fusco
Find it: IMDB

The sort of movie you can't say you dislike without folks going "yeah, well, you didn't get it, man" and, "well, yeah, but this isn't a horror film, is it?" or "what's the matter? Bodycount not high enough for you, psycho?" Well raspberries (the sound effect, not the fruit) to the lot of you; I did not like Berberian Sound Studio at all.

Aside from a commendable performance from Toby Jones, there's not much about the film I really enjoyed. Steeped in European horror history, it looks and sounds utterly groovy (with a title like that, it had better sound the dog's bollocks) and should win over a lot of horror fans on the basis of that alone. Critics and horror historians such as Kim Newman and Mark Gatiss should love this film. I should love this film. I really wanted to. It wears its influences on the same sleeve as the black leather Giallo gloves it uses to make all those glorious sound effects. All those vegetables being smashed up with hammers - Berberian Sound Studio made me hungry, more than anything else.

"You just don't get it, do you?" Unfortunately, there's not much to 'get'. It's an interesting story, about a man struggling to cope in a demanding job. I used to work at the refunds & exchanges counter at Primark; dude, I get it. Someone threw a pair of underpants in my face once and yelled "happy Christmas!" at me (this was the middle of March). I know what it's like to work in a place where barely anyone speaks your language and everyone keeps shouting at you. I work in retail. Drowning cauliflower be damned, the atmosphere at Primark beats that of an Italian sound studio into a cocked cocking hat.

Ahem. But you don't give a fuck about that. Is Berberian Sound studio a good film? It's technically quite brilliant, and many will (and do) love it. For me, something just didn't hit home, and I found it to be a hollow experience. I don't want to start bandying about words like 'pretentious' and 'wanky' but you can see how some might construe it as such. Ultimately, it's the harrowing story of a man desperately trying to get someone to refund the expenses on his flight receipt. Terrifying.

Berberian Sound Studio sounds like a winner but, for me, something was lost in translation. Maybe I just wasn't listening properly. I know, what a barbarian.   

K3: Prison of Hell

Director: Andreas Bethmann (2009)

Starring: Suzi-Anne, Candy-Sue, Bianca Germany

Find it: IMDB

Describing the plot of K3: Prison of Hell to a relative, I may have accidentally given off the impression that I am something of a psychopath or serial killer in training. In fact, as I tried to tactfully describe this movie to my Dear old Dad, the question "it's not a snuff film, is it?" may have been asked. It didn't help my case that K3: Prison of Hell was delivered to me via a friend, ordered from Germany and given on a nondescript DVD-RW. "It's definitely not snuff," I insisted, "snuff doesn't have an IMDB page."

That said, you won't find K3: Prison of Hell on Amazon, less because it's a snuff movie, (honest Dad, it's not) more because of all the giant cocks being sucked all over the place. Also, what with all the hardcore sexual violence, it's probably illegal here in the UK. Not snuff, though. The word 'torture porn' is bandied around horror movie territories with depressing regularity (not by me, except for when I use inverted commas) but in the case of K3: Prison of Hell, that's about right. This movie consists of nothing but torture and pornography, neither of which is particularly well done. 

The plot has lots of women in prison (it's never explained why) while the guards go around raping them all the time. I had never seen a Prison Exploitation movie before (apparently The Shawshank Redemption and Schindler's List don't count) so I Googled Prison of Hell to see what I was in for. One of the first pictures I found was of an arm shoved all the way up a poor lady's arse. Most of the action consists of things going up arses or erections going into various other orifices (usually the face). This is brought to us by infamous exploitation director Andreas Bethmann; responsible for a number of other horror/porno movies, most of which have 'rape' in the synopsis. Also involved is special effects maestro, occasional director and chum of Uwe Boll, Olaf Ittenbach. The gore effects, when they come, are decent enough - there's a reasonable head explosion scene - but otherwise, Prison of Hell is just plain boring. If you've seen one cock sucked, you've seen them all. The mix of sexual violence, titillation and torture is horrid, but that's the point. The film knows its audience (Fetlife friends, aficionados of hardcore cinema and probably Mel Gibson) very well, and everyone else won't even know it exists in the first place. Given that I don't really enjoy pornography, I was doomed from the start.  

K3: Prison of Hell is unpleasant, ugly and dull. While it will appeal to those who enjoy that sort of thing, everyone else will be either horrified or nonplussed or both at the same time. It's not really the type of movie you assign a star rating to (unless you're in the business of reviewing pornography), but I'll do so anyway. Mostly so my Dad, in case he's Googling this, can be totally sure that I'm not a lunatic nutcase who gets off on that Andreas Bethmann's prison pornographies.

Look Dad, no stars:

The Ordeal

Director: Fabrice Du Welz (2004)
Starring: Laurent Lucas, Jackie Berroyer, Jean-Luc Couchard
Find it: IMDB

This Christmas, while others were rotting their brain cells with festive shit like Elf and The Grinch and The Muppet Christmas Carol (all of which I actually like) I found me drinking myself into oblivion and watching a French horror film about a cabaret singer who finds himself kidnapped by a mad farmer, dressed like a woman and chased around by the mad farmer's also mad love rivals. It's like Emmerdale meets Something Horrible. And yes, I'm aware that every time I watch a film about mad farmers I compare it to Emmerdale. I fucking love Emmerdale, all right.

Marc Stevens (Lucas) is the cabaret singer in question. Daniel O' Donnell and Cliff Richard should never watch The Ordeal, because this film would thoroughly make them shit their pants. Not that Cliff Richard would ever watch extreme French horror anyway. He's more of a Songs of Praise sort of fellow.

When his van breaks down in the middle of nowhere, Stevens is taken in by kindly-faced inn owner Bartel (Berroyer). Unfortunately, Stevens reminds Bartel of his missing wife, and he's less than eager to release the poor club singer. A quick bang on the noggin later, and Stevens finds himself tied up wearing a dress, while Bartel rants and raves about how his lovely wife is never going to leave him again. Luckily for Mark, it is a very pretty dress. So pretty that Mark proves to be very popular amongst all of the other locals too. 

For all its violence and forced cross-dressing, The Ordeal follows the fairly standard Torture Film template. There's the sense of impending doom, the inevitable capture, the escape, the re-capture, the re-escape - then the bit where Anything Could Happen. Being a collector of 'extreme' cinema and having heard so many good things about The Ordeal, I found myself a little disappointed by the film. It's extreme, but not that extreme - a mite predictable and slow. Still, Stevens is easy to root for, and there's a nice sense of surrealism to some of the scenes. I particularly enjoyed the local pub and Bartel's dim-witted friend, Boris (Couchard). The Ordeal is a little unsettling, but never an Ordeal to watch, as it should be.

That said, it makes for great Christmas viewing. No, really, it does. There's a Christmas tree in it and everything.

Guinea Pig I: Devil's Experiment

Director: Satoru Ogura (1985)
Find it: IMDB

Pride myself, as I do, on having seen the worst of the worst horror movies in existence, there was no way I wouldn't eventually get around to seeing the Guinea Pig series. While it is nice to have added another notch to my horror movie bedpost (like a regular bedpost, except grottier), in the case of Guinea Pig, I wish I hadn't bothered.

Created before 'torture porn' was even a thing, Devil's Experiment has perhaps the flimsiest plot I have ever seen in a movie. It is literally nothing more than a series of torture sequences. The version of the DVD I watched had no English subtitles or dubbing, but not once did I miss them. It opens with a woman being slapped repeatedly around the face (which goes on for about five minutes) before moving on to more mental and penetrative tortures. But as our poor victim is slapped soundly around the chops over and over again, we can actually see the actor slapping his own hand to create the sharp striking sound. I'm sure it worked better on fuzzy old VHS, but some of these infamous tortures look remarkably shonky on DVD. Particularly daft is a bit in which the kidnappers tie their victim to an office chair and spin her round and round in circles until she gets sick.

Other tortures, however, are actually revolting. Maggots, fingernails and eyeballs are amongst the few things I can't be doing with in a film, and Devil's Experiment has all three. It's surprising that it was this film's sequel that gained most notoriety, since Devil's Experiment is by far the most memorable Pig. Of course, memorable doesn't always mean good. Devil's Experiment does its job (plotless nasty) just fine, but nothing else whatsoever. There's less going on than an episode of Dirty Sanchez or Jackass. It makes Captivity look densely plotted by comparison.

Like a ridiculously fast rollercoaster, the point with the Guinea Pig films isn't in the journey but rather the ride itself - it's a test of endurance; not something you watch because you like plot, or acting, or purpose. Which is good, because it doesn't have any of those things.

[REC] Genesis

Director: Paco Plaza (2012)
Starring: Leticia Dolera, Diego Martin, John Sponge
Find it: IMDB

'And now', as Monty Python would put it, 'for something completely different.' It's no exaggeration when I say that [REC] is possibly my favourite found footage horror movie of all time. Although, seeing as I hate most of the others, that's not saying much. It's also one of my favourite zombie films of all time. The sequel, whilst mostly more of the same, is very good too. Given the bombshell which [REC] 2 left us with, this prequel drops the ball enormously. In fact, it's almost the most disappointing threequel of 2012.

[REC] Genesis doesn't have Tom Hardy doing an accent that I literally laughed at every time he came on-screen. It doesn't have a man's spine being repaired with rope and a hole. It doesn't even have a completely predictable ending which is telegraphed miles in advance. No, it has a man called John Sponge (who is actually dressed as a sponge) and a protagonist doing his best Inigo Montoya impression. For the purposes of this prequel, [REC] Genesis is transformed into a comedy-horror hybrid, whether the cap fits or not. Not once is Genesis as scary or even mildly unsettling as its predecessors. I love comedy horror (it's perhaps my favourite brand of horror) but only when it makes sense. Granted, this review is but a smokescreen for my unpopular opinions regarding The Dark Knight Rises, but I was still quite disappointed.    

Were it not for the [REC] brand, I would have loved Genesis. It's cruel, insanely gory, stupid and there are even chainsaws. It's not even a bad movie. There are some funky Spanish songs accompanying the violence, and the central romance is genuinely quite sweet. All in all, it sounds like a recipe for a horror movie I'm guaranteed to love. But I watched [REC] Genesis hoping to see a [REC] film. If I wanted to see a silly knockoff, I'd watch Quarantine 2 again*. Who knew that, outside of the infamous Barcelona apartment block, there was a goofy horror comedy going on. Talk about that reporter lady being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Those less enamoured with the franchise as I might enjoy Genesis. It's better than a lot of new zombie horror  releases out there, and even manages to be quite inventive at times. But as a successor (or precursor) to two of the best horror movies of recent years, it's bloody useless.

* I wouldn't. Nothing could ever make me watch Quarantine 2 again.

The Troll Hunter

Director: Andre Ovredal (2010)

Starring: Otto Jespersen, Glenn Erland Tosterud, Johanna Morck

Find it: IMDB

Students making a documentary find more than anticipated when the man they're trailing is revealed to be a 'troll hunter'. Keyboard warriors rest easy; he's after the other type of troll. Fairytale Trolls roam the Norwegian woods and countryside, looking for Christian men to munch upon. Hans (Jespersen) is part of a government conspiracy, ensuring that the Trolls stay within their designated areas. It's like Men in Black meets Cloverfield.

It's films like Troll Hunter with which the found footage subgenre shines. I have little interest in seeing middle class people being scared in their own homes, or in snotty kids being chased around ugly woods by unseen Blair Witches. I want to see the Moon (even when it's as half-arsed as Apollo 18), jungles full of cannibals and above all, I want to see Norwegian Trolls eating men dressed in tin suits. Fairy tale Trolls, that is. Although I would definitely watch a movie about a killer who hunts people that go around talking shit on Internet message boards. The Dark Knight Rises looks whack, does it? How would you like an axe in the face? It'd basically be The Punisher, except his victims are mostly children and me.

The locations are breathtakingly beautiful. Landscape fetishists should take great joy in Troll Hunter. It's certainly better than crappy old New York in Cloverfield. And then the Trolls appear, and that's incredible too. They look too unreal to ever be scary (like something out of that old PS2 game that nobody played), but there's a fairytale quality to the dodgy CGI that somehow befits the film. You won't quite believe it when you see it, but you'll really want to.

As our intrepid filmmakers follow Hans the hunter (think Quint from off've Jaws) on his travels, they encounter a number of Trolls, all beautifully designed and great to watch. The standout sequences see a Troll hiding under a bridge (how very Billy Goats Gruff), farting in a cave and a thrilling final bit with the biggest Troll of all.

Unfortunately, there are a few too many scenes which see the cameraman running through pitch-black forests, huffing and puffing like a paedophile in the kids' section at Primark. There's a character introduced too late into the film that slightly upsets the status quo (apparently Rossi was really unhappy with it) and the ending is a trifle predictable. Atheists will come away feeling smug though (oh, we come away feeling smug about everything) and it really is a beautiful film. Where the Blair Witches and The Cloverfields and the [RECS] have you feeling terrified to go back into the woods/New York/Barcelona, Troll Hunter will leave you disappointed by the lack of real Trolls there. Also, it has 'Teddy Bear's Picnic' on the trailer, and that gives me a warm feeling inside. Aaw.

Detour

Director: Severin Eskeland (2009)

Starring: Marte Christensen, Sondre Krogtoft Larsen, Jens Hulten

Find it: IMDB

Inspired by a true story. But more inspired by The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (particularly the remake and The Beginning). Driving home to Norway, Lina (Christensen) and Martin (Larsen) are stuck in rural Sweden when their car breaks down. A friendly policeman leads them to a house that looks just like the house in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre where they are set upon by (Swedish) Hillbillies straight out of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. But instead of eating their victims, these Swedish sadists film their torture and demise to sell online.

From the premise to the 'twists' and secretly pregnant heroine, everything in Detour has been done before. Of course the friendly cop is in on it; the friendly cop is always in on it. At least R. Lee Ermey had the good grace to not even bother pretending to be friendly. Detour presents the least professional torture dungeon I've ever seen. Every five minutes victims are escaping all over the place. At some point you gotta take note and realise "this kidnapping lark ain't for me."

The run-up to anything happening is incredibly boring and predictable. It takes a good half hour for the car to even properly break down. When it does get going (the film, not the car), it becomes more enjoyable but hardly riveting. For the life of me, I can't remember what happens at the end. Answers on a postcard, people. Send them to another address though, because I'm not sure that I actually care.

"STFU. They might hear us. It's The Texas Chain Saw guys: they want their plot back."

If nothing else, Detour is proof that not everything with subtitles is groundbreaking or awesome. If you're thinking of watching this movie, I'd advise taking a Detour of your own: via something else.

11. Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: Jalmari Helander (2010)

Starring: Onni Tommila, Jorma Tommila, Tommi Korpela

Find it: IMDB

A Christmas horror movie that treats its subject with relative seriousness, thereby imbuing it with more class and gravity than one would expect from an evil Santa film. Buried in the depths of the Korvatunturi mountains, excavators find Santa Claus. The Santa Claus. Soon afterwards, local children begin disappearing and young Pietari (Onni Tommila) finds mysterious footprints in the snow by his window. Santa Claus, as they say, is coming to town. Careful though, he's a biter.

Pietari's gloomy hunter father (Jorma Tommila) finds what he believes to be Santa, caught in one of his traps. He ties poor Santa up and hatches a plan to sell not-so Jolly Saint Nick to the highest bidder. It emerges that the going price for a Santa Claus is a lot less than I thought it would be.

It's something of a slow burner for a comedy/horror, but when it does kick into gear, the payoff is well worth the invested time. In its tale of a quiet, sensitive, lonely child finding his way in life, Rare Exports is like a Christmassy Let The Right One In. It picks and chooses its festive elements wisely, never outstaying its welcome. Particularly well employed is the way in which the characters use gingerbread to hold Santa at bay and a set of "rules"to keep you off've Father Christmas's naughty list. He's no Bill Goldberg, but you'll want to stay in his good books.

The biggest problem with Rare Exports is that you can only really watch it once a year. Never mind the turkey or presents, I'm counting down the days until I can watch this Christmas Tale again.

Missing

Director: Sung-Hong Kim (2009)

Starring: Chu Ja-Hyeon, Mun Seong-Kun, Jeon Se-Hong

Find it: IMDB

Cruel Korean kidnapping with Missing, in which a girl goes on the hunt for her disappeared sister. She lies in the hands of crazy old farmer Pan-kon (Seong-Kun). Hyeon-jeong (Ja-Hyeon) manages to track her sister down to Pan-kon's village. When the kidnapping serial killer takes a shine to Hyeon-jeong it looks like she too is headed for trouble.

It's a more conventional thriller than those spoiled by such Korean gems as Oldboy, The Chaser and the seminal Man From Nowhere might maybe expect. It's based on the true story of a 70-year-old fisherman who killed four women over the course of two months in 2007. That these are apparently the "ingredients of a Friday The 13th" makes elements of Missing seem exploitative and uncomfortable to watch. Also, Missing is in no way like Friday The 13th. It has none of the ingredients of Friday The 13th. I hope they kept the receipt, because their Friday The 13th cookbook sucks.

'True crime' aspect aside, Missing has a very rapey vibe to it. Heavily modelled on such films as Wolf Creek, its heroines are abused and tortured in uncomfortable detail. A birthday cake is shoved up a poor girl's arse and then her teeth are extracted after she bites his knob during a bout of non-consensual oral sex.

This aside, Missing is tense, gripping and taut with a horrible villain, a pair of sympathetic heroines and some interesting side characters. The film makes use of a very nice yellow sticky tape in its choice of gag. There are elements of Hannibal in Pan-kon's feeding victims to farm animals. There are far better kidnap films out there (Missing isn't even the best kidnap film to be called Missing). If you decide to skip this one, you really aren't Missing much.

15. Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down

Director: Pedro Almodovar (1990)

Starring: Victoria Abril, Antonio Banderas, Loles Leon

Find it: IMDB

Antonio Banderas; making Stockholm Syndrome sexy since 1990. Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down is a romantic comedy about a man called Ricky (Banderas) who is released from a mental hospital and tries to convince an old flame and pornstar to be his wife. Marina (Abril) is less than keen, so Ricky ties her up whilst he tries to change her mind. Not in a rapey way, alright.

Antonio Banderas, you can kidnap me anytime. Well, not really, I'm more of a dom, but if I was going to let any man do that sort of thing to me, it'd be Antonio Banderas. Who knows, I might even fall in love with him like Marina does. Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down, granted, sounds more like the plot of a thriller or horror than it does a romantic comedy. But it's sweet in the same way as A Life Less Ordinary (a very underrated Danny Boyle romcom) and is a very feisty, sexy movie. It's not even misogynistic, which you might expect from a piece about a man who makes a woman love him by tying her to a bed and gagging her face. But this is from the mind of Pedro Almodovar, a man who knows his strong women.

Look, if I'm going to watch a romantic comedy, I might as well watch one with copious amounts of (eventually) consensual bondage and Antonio Banderas being manly and awesome. True story, I once wrote a girl a love poem. In the fourth couplet were the lines "Stockholm ain't just a place/she should have bought some mace" (and yet my heart still ended up broke like Greece, so I ask you who the real dom was in that relationship). That in mind, yes, Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down is a great romantic comedy.

Cannibal

Director: Benjamin Vire (2010)

Starring: Nicolas Gob, Helena Coppejans, Jean Collard

Find it: IMDB

Pretentious, smug, annoying, unhelpful shit that can't decide whether to be talky, silent, black & white or colour. I get to sound like an idiot now for not enjoying Cannibal, but excuse me for wanting to actually see what is going on in my movies. Some may find it cute when you decide not to subtitle bits of the dialogue, but either subtitle all of it or none of it.

Cannibal is like an avant-garde version of The Woman crossed with Jet Li vehicle Unleashed. I thought both of those movies were enjoyable. I think Cannibal is only very intermittently enjoyable. That enjoyable part of the movie lasts roughly ten minutes. The rest is either incomprehensible or silly or horrible. Some gypsies have a pet cannibal woman called Bianca (Coppejeans) to whom they feed the losers of their cage fighting matches. One day they manage to lose Bianca in the woods, where she is found by agoraphobic ex-gangster golf fan Max (Gob). Max carries her home and adopts the little dear. Instead of attempting to civilise her, he cleans up after her murders and gradually begins to fall in love with the wee scamp. And then the gypsy gangsters turn up and kidnap her back. Poor Max decides to hunt down the gangsters and reclaim his love. Via the plot of Man On Fire and what I can only describe as The Sopranos' opening credits.

It's very clever that the film goes all black & white as soon as Max loses his darling Bianca. It's even quite charming when our hero kills a van full of gangsters and starts shouting things like "damn those black guys!" Unless, that is, you don't like film school cinematography and racism for the sake of racism. Damn those Belgian guys. There's also gangster rap on the soundtrack, and gangster rap is always inexcusable unless your name is Attack The Block.

Furthermore, I cannot take seriously any character called Bianca, let alone one that is supposed to be at once sexy and scary. People called Bianca are generally not hot, sexy cannibals. People called Bianca generally look like this:

Not scary or sexy. No offense to anyone called Bianca. But I found it incredibly distracting anytime anyone said "where's Bianca?" or "hello Bianca", because I kept thinking of the horrible ginger face above. No offense to anyone with a horrible ginger face. Whilst there's some good gore and some good action and a funny scene in which a man hangs a spoon off his nose, the rest is all too cloying and pretentious.

Cannibal is a stupid film that spends too much time pretending to be clever and not enough time actually being clever.

I Saw The Devil

Director: Jee-woon Kim (2010)

Starring: Byung-hun Lee, Min-sik Choi, Gook-hwan Jeon

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

Kyung-chul (Min-sik Choi) is a dangerous psychopath who gets his kicks raping, murdering and beheading women. But when he murders Joo-yeon, daughter of a retired police officer, it seems he might have bitten off more than he can chew. Her fiancee, see, is like a Korean version of James Bond. Secret agent Soo-hyun (Byung-hun Lee) dedicates himself to hunting down Kyung-chul and repeatedly torturing the bastard wherever he may be. You'd almost feel sorry for the downcast, battered serial killer - but, well, he is a serial killer.

I Saw The Devil is a fantastic serial killer movie. Oldboy's Min-sik Choi is mesmerising in the role of the killer, ably supported by Byung-hun Lee (from GI Joe fame, but don't hold that against him). There's bone-crunching, squeam-inducing violence and tremendously well coordinated fight scenes. The pace and subject matter puts me in mind of The Chaser, but with everything taken up a notch. Where The Chaser was a redemptive tale of Pimp vs Serial Killer, I Saw The Devil is a classic revenge story with plenty of heart and a revolting villain you'll enjoy watching being kicked about repeatedly.

And if this film's anything to go by, South Korea is full of serial killers. At one point, Soo-hyun is fighting three at once. He becomes like a vigilante who only fights multiple murderers, the Batman to Kyung-chul's Joker. There's an exciting fight scene every twenty minutes, followed by torture and kill scenes at regular intervals inbetween. Some of it is cathartic, most of it terribly yucky. Even I looked away at one point, and I have a very strong constitution.

I Saw The Devil is a great movie with super action, a clever story and a fantastic set of performances from its leading men. I saw I Saw The Devil and loved it.

5150 Elm's Way

Director: Eric Tessier (2009)

Starring: Marc-Andre Grondin, Normand D'Armour, Sonia Vachon

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

A bit of French kitchen sink horror, this, with an emphasis on chess and mindgames. 5150 Elm's Way plays like Mum & Dad meets Dexter with a bit of The Hamiltons thrown in to boot. Cycling around looking like Justin Long, film student Yannick (Grondin) falls face first off his bike and limps over to a neighboring house in search of help. He meets taxi driver Jacques (D'Amour) who appears initially friendly but then kidnaps the poor kid and locks him away in a dingy room. After several kerfuffles and the usual false escape then recapture malarky, Jacques presents Yannick with a proposition: beat him at chess, go free. Game on.

Elements of 5150 Elm's Way feel way too familiar and predictable. Yannick makes a number of breaks for freedom over the course of the film, and every time I knew he would fail. Every times he takes up arms to fight Jacques and his family, there's a feeling that you know he's doomed to fall. Spoiler by the way. But then there are elements of originality that make this interesting and well worth one's time. I never thought that a series of chess matches could be taut and thrilling and tense but director Eric Tessier pulls it off. Writer Patrick Senecal's script makes the chess matches account for something - like there's really something at stake - well assisted by the director and the film's two leads.

Those stakes keep rising, the tension building. As Jacques unveils his custom-made chess set, his mind begins to unravel. Yannick too, looks to be losing his mind. There are trippy hallucinations to go with all the chess and some genuine shocks in the final act. Not being your typical bit of Hollywood dross, it even has subtexts and things. Jacques becomes something of a surrogate father to Yannick, albeit in the worst way. Partnered with Jacques's wonderful moustache, this makes it well worth one's time. 5150 Elm's Way is a clever, tight bit of Gallic horror that might skimp on the gore but certainly doesn't do so with its thrills. Check and mate.

Killing Words

Director: Laura Mañá (2003)

Starring: Dario Grandinetti, Goya Toledo

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

Spanish torture nonsense for the broadsheet reading crowd, Killing Words is less about plucking out eyeballs with a spoon and more the power of words. Although they do talk about plucking out eyeballs with spoons, so it's a little bit about that too. Mild-mannered psychopath Ramon (Grandinetti) kidnaps ex-wife and psychiatrist Laura (Toledo) and ties her to a chair in his basement. Soon she'll wish he was more the Jigsaw sort of serial killer, since Ramon evidently likes the sound of his own voice and plans to talk her to death. Laura is easy to sympathise with in this movie. The verbal diarrhea of an annoying ex is far worse than eyeball torture.

Being set in a basement for the majority of the running time, Killing Words is all about the verbal sparring between kidnapper and victim. With Laura being Ramon's ex wife, there's a different sort of dynamic than you'd usually get in this kind of film, reminiscent of a less sexy Tie Me Up, Tie Me Down (true story fact fans, my favourite ever romcom). It's slow and boring at times, but the tension is racked up with sequences set in the movie's own future, depicting police officers questioning Ramon as to Laura's whereabouts. It's never nail-biting stuff, but it does keep one wondering.

Being nothing but lengthy dialogue scenes, Killing Words works and feels like a stage play adaptation. And perhaps it would work better onstage, where intellectuals can go rub their chin and say things like "hmm" and "yes, interesting." Not that I didn't think these things, but Killing Words doesn't always feel very cinematic. Still, it's well acted and very pretty looking.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Killing Words is actually quite good.

The Matrimony

Director: Hua-Tao Eng (2007)

Starring: Bingbing Fan, Leon Lai, Rene Liu

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

A stylish but nontheless silly ghost story, The Matrimony sees a woman team up with the ghost of her husband's one-time girlfriend in the hope of cheering the poor bloke up. Why they'd do such a thing is unclear. He married a different woman less than a year after losing his missus. Clearly he is a bit of a dick and neither woman should want anything to do with him.

But both women love him, despite Junchu's flaws and creepy attic full of his Dead Girlfriend's crap. Dead Girlfriend and Miserable Wife join forces, with Dead Girlfriend temporarily possessing Miserable Wife to show Junchu that Miserable Wife can be cool too. Obviously no good can come of this.

Set in 1930s China, The Matrimony is very pretty. I don't usually notice such things, but the dresses in this movie are very nice, as is the opening bicycle sequence and a snowy boat ride. It's all a bit fairytale, which is a good look for a film like The Matrimony to have. The romantic scenes are quite charming and cute. The ghost stuff, meanwhile, is spooky but not remotely scary. There's the most unintentionally funny car crash I've ever seen and then a bit where Miserable Wife vomits in her Mother In Law's face.

A supernatural remake (in all but name) of Hitchcock's Rebecca, it'll win no prizes for originality. The story is good but never gripping. Both actresses do their respective jobs well (with Miserable Wife doing an exceptionally good line in looking scared) and Jinchu is sympathetic despite acting like a dickhead all the time.

A leftover from 2007, The Matrimony has only just found itself a Tartan Asia Extreme release. Ignore the rubbish packaging, which suggests something Saw, and instead check it out if you're after something safe, sweet and surprisingly likeable.

The Final Girl Film Club: Cold Prey

This review is in association with the quite wonderful Final Girl Film Club

Director: Roar Uthag (2006)

Starring: Ingrid Bolso Berdal, Rolf Kristian Larsen, Viktoria Winge

Find it: IMDB, Amazon, Final Girl

Essentially the same sort of thing you've seen countless times by now, only with snow instead of trees and pretty Norwegians instead of pretty Americans. Snow is better than trees though, and the Norwegians are actually slightly prettier than the Americans we're used to, so it's better on that front, I guess.

Everywhere else, it's business as usual. Five friends take a snowboarding vacation in the snowy wildernesses of Jotunheimen. I would swear that Jotunheimen is where the Ice Giants live in Thor, except it's probably a little bit racist, so I won't. The most likeable of the menfolk falls and breaks his leg after only a few minutes of being out in the snow. Seems that being an idiot isn't just a thing they do in American slasher movies. This is but the first of several dipshit moves made by our friends. They carry injured Morten Tobias (not only is he the most likeable, but he has the best name) to a seemingly abandoned lodge and settle down for the night. Which translates to breaking windows and treating the place like they own it.

Bum move, kids. The lodge is not so abandoned after all, and run by a hulking great nutter with a pickaxe. The very prettiest of the group gets it first, but not before expending the opportunity to wander around in some very tight undercrackers, flashing a very pert bottom to any serial killer in the near vicinity. From that first death onwards, it's a fight for survival, leaving the strong but scowly Jannicke (Berdal) to fend off the killer.

'Careful', as my old nan used to say, 'if the wind changes, your face'll stick like that.' Big problem if you're in Yodenheim Jotunheimen.

Other than there being a bit of snow outside, Cold Prey rarely departs from the template as set by every backwoods horror since The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. There's even room for a bit of violence via bear trap. Which came, funnily enough, just as I was thinking "all this movie is missing is a bear trap". The rest is all pickaxes at dawn and some useless fumbling with a shotgun. Huh. Kurt Russell would've made mincemeat of the lot of them with his beard alone.

The kids are fine but vaguely annoying with their stupidity. Thankfully, the most irritating of the characters die first, whilst Jannicke is a decent if uninteresting Final Girl. She looks a lot like my ex actually (especially with all of the scowling) so I was kinda rooting for the killer; but only up to the point where she realises she's made a massive mistake, her new boyfriend's an arse and she should have stayed with Joel instead of going snowboarding. Yeah, Cold Prey sure showed her.

Cold Prey is predictable, slow, a little bit annoying and stupid. But it's also inoffensive, well-acted and looks beautiful. There's one shot in the final scenes that shows what the movie could have been if it had tried, whilst some of the kill sequences are admirably cruel. The killer looks good, and the movie's environment is enough to justify its existence. Mostly though, it just left me feeling Cold.

A Serbian Film

Director: Srdjan Spasojevic (2010)

Starring: Srdjan Todorovic, Sergej Trifunovic, Jelena Gavrilovic

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

Literal torture porn. A Serbian Film is actually about torture and pornography, and it doesn't much shy away from either. Not since Martyrs have I seen a torture movie that was actually shocking. The likes of Hostel, Seed, 7 Days and Craptivity all delivered on gross-out moments and hard violence, but none were genuinely hard to watch and all, crucially, had really crappy stories.

A Serbian Film does not have a really crappy story. Even without the torture, it would be an interesting movie. Retired pornstar Milos (Todorovic) is bored and poor, spending his days watching own skin flicks, teaching his son how to masturbate and drinking whiskey. So when an old contact appears and makes Milos an offer he can't refuse, he ends his premature retirement to appear in the ultimate porno - the titular Serbian Film.

Without knowing what the movie's about, Milos signs the contract. He's quite happy to wander around fucking stuff on command until the director's real intentions become clear. It all gets a bit nasty when Milos is expected to do fucks in the presence of a woman's child. Understandably unhappy with such nastiness, Milos quits. Then things get really, really nasty. Unless, like me, you're watching the Region 2 cut, in which case they only get nasty up to a point. Beware, here be spoilers. Up to a point.

If you watch the UK cut of A Serbian Film, you'll find it missing over 4 minutes of footage. According to research (yes, I do research now) it's more specific shots than scenes; namely, those which frame children in the same shots as sexual scenes. That they managed to find 4 minutes worth of shots like this doesn't exactly surprise me. There are a lot of sexual scenes in A Serbian Film, and a lot of children involved. Decide for yourself whether those shots will take anything from the experience. There's also a better article on its censorship here.

More intact than you might expect it to be is the infamous baby rape, or 'newborn porn' as director Vukmir (Trifunovic) calls it. There are a few seconds missing, but you'll go away as traumatised as Milos after seeing it. It's easily one of the most disturbing things I've ever seen in a horror movie. But it's not really 'newborn porn'. This is the one sequence in which hardly anything is actually shown. It's disgusting and horrible, but it's your mind that does most of the hard work. Pardon me whilst I go bleach my brain.

If you're still on board with A Serbian Film after that, the flick turns into a horror version of The Hangover. Milos awakens at home, covered in blood and bruises. His family is missing and he has no memory of the past three days. This last quarter of the film is more standard thriller territory, although it does contain some of the movie's most shocking and cruel moments. From thereon in (massive spoiler) everyone gets raped. Some people get raped twice. A man gets skull-raped to death. Children get raped. Dead people get raped. It's the ultimate rape/revenge movie, I suppose. Although it can't be. Because the underlying point is that some acts of violence are so extreme that no revenge will do them justice.

There are messages buried beneath A Serbian Film's ugly surface. It's just a matter of whether you can bring yourself to look for them. It's a story of how the male sex, in the wrong hands, can be a weapon of horrific destruction. It's a story of the perversion of the family unit. It's probably a critique on torture movies. Although it uses torture too much itself to work as a critique of that. Also, I think director Srdjan Spasojevic just wanted to show some really sick torture. That's some calling card. There's an intelligence that makes me not hate this movie as much as I did I Spit On Your Grave, by the way. It's easily as horrible, but unlike that thunderous turd, A Serbian Film tempers its atrocities with emotion and thought.

A Serbian Film is in no way a film for everyone or anyone. I'm unsurprised at the massive uproar surrounding it, since it contains at least one of the most shocking moments I've ever seen. But also, I find myself slightly underwhelmed by it. Maybe I'm jaded or stupid, but aside from the obvious, I wasn't really sickened or tempted to switch off. I didn't like it, but I didn't hate it either. It's a little too slick, a little too self-aware. Its explosive final act is too over the top to be taken seriously, bordering on self-parody. The vein of black humour that runs throughout keeps you aware that it is, after all, only a film.

Which is good. I want to be reminded that it's only a film. Only a Serbian Film.

The Loved Ones

Director: Sean Byrne (2009)

Starring: Xavier Samuel, Robin McLeavy, John Brumpton

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

Torture guff with a more feminist touch than most (well, it's a dude getting tortured for a change, and not a lady), The Loved Ones pits funky Kurt Kobain wannabe Brent (Samuel) against a crazy stalker girl (McLeavy) with grim results.

Whilst the plot might sound Misery-lite or reminiscent of such trash as Homecoming, the movie is much more intelligent and a whole lot better than that. Obviously Misery is the template and the better movie, but The Loved Ones clings to that template less than some, and brings plenty of its own twisted innovations to the kitchen table.

Still raw from the death of his father, Brent turns down the seemingly shy Lola's invitation to the Prom. Lola is cute and all, but Brent has more important things to do with his time. Like cut himself, for example. And fuck his girlfriend in the car. But Lola got serious issues, and has Daddy (Brumpton) kidnap Brent. Some people just can't take no for an answer. Brent wakes up in Lola's kitchen for a family dinner seemingly inspired by The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. What follows is like Martyrs crossed with High School Musical. And if that sentence doesn't make you want to see The Loved Ones, then you fail at liking movies.

It's been a while since I was impressed by - and actually liked - a torture movie. I'm starting to get jaded by that shit now. The Loved Ones, whilst delivering on the violence and gore front (and gee whizz, does it) has a nice emotional undercurrent to it. Brent has a proper character arc at play and everything, and 'the loved ones' of the title works on several levels. The Loved Ones is torture guff with a semblance of intelligence. That's almost rare these days.

The acting is pretty good across the board. I wasn't sure about Xavier Samuel at the start, but he soon manages to get the audience on board. Playing Lola's Daddy, John Brumpton is the best of the bunch. The character's relationship with his daughter is both sweet and kinda icky at the same time. McLeavy is perhaps a little too crazy for my liking. I know she's supposed to be a kook, but she's very much a caricature and a one-note loon. I'd have liked a little more texture to her characterization. But McLeavy does well. Especially when you consider that she's playing a character whose theme tune is this:

Hmm. Come to think of it, I'm starting to worry that I'm in danger of actually properly liking that song. Like a reverse Pavlov's dog perhaps, I associate Not Pretty Enough with the feeling I had whilst watching The Loved Ones. You know what, fuck you, I'm playing it top volume next time I stalk my exes on facebook.

Ahem. While we're at it, another admission: watching The Loved Ones, I kinda had a thought that just wouldn't go away. "Yeah, that Lola could kidnap me anytime."