Pandorum


Director: Christian Alvart (2009)
Starring: Dennis Quaid, Ben Foster, Cam Gigandet (apparently)
Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

An unholy space clusterfuck of a film, Pandorum sees two astronauts emerge from hypersleep (hello Alien/Aliens/Event Horizon) suffering from memory loss (oh look, Resident Evil) and stuck on a deserted spaceship. It turns out that they're Humanity's Last Hope (g'day Sunshine) and are off to restart humanity on another, Earth-like planet after we fucked ours up. But wait. Evil is afoot, because there seems to be something alien aboard (every space-set horror movie you've ever seen) and Humanity's Last Hope doesn't have any lightbulbs. Can an embarrassed Dennis Quaid and the creepy Ben Foster kid off've My Name is Earl save the day?!?

I have no idea, because I gave up watching after the halfway point.

Pants-dorum is possibly the most horrible first half hour of a movie I've ever seen. And not good horrible, either. Just regular, shitty horrible. You know your career aspirations are low when you're trying to rip off Paul WS Anderson (actually, Event Horizon is a great movie). Had this movie been based on a videogame, Uwe Boll could have passed it off as his own and I'd have been none the wiser. The Ben Foster kid is miscast as hero, since he looks evil. Dennis Quaid looks bored, confused and embarrassed throughout. And he wears a beard, which he probably stole from the Dad off've the Lost in Space remake. Apparently Cam Gigandet is in it too, although I didn't get anywhere near that far.

I understand that space is supposed to be dark, but Pan-borum is so much so that you can't tell what the fuck is supposed to be going on. It's like an Alien movie, only from a cupboard's perspective. To offset the fact that you can't see shit all, the geniuses behind Pandorum decided to have a veritable carnival of noise going on at the same time. Watching Pandorum is like being blind and hungover at a heavy metal concert, I should imagine. One half of the dialogue consists of the kid screaming. The other half is made up of Dennis Quaid saying "calm down. Everything's gonna be okay." The action, meanwhile, largely sees the Ben Foster kid falling down holes, crawling through Jefferies' Tubes (official Trekkie lingo) and looking mildly constipated. Something did happen just before I turned the DVD off, although I couldn't tell you what. NO LIGHTS EQUALS SCARY. CRASH BANG, LOUD NOISE, JUMP SCARE. MORE DARK, rinse, repeat.

Pandorum scores its only Screaming Scream Queen because I really like the posters and the trailer made it look cool. And who knows, maybe someone turned the lights on and the movie vastly improved at some point during the second half.

Feel free to tell me what happens in the end, since there is no way I am ever even going to try and watch this terrible movie ever again.

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