In which I try to be nice: Twilight.

Occasionally, usually after watching a particularly horrendous movie, I am wont to become a little self-reflective and even somewhat guilt ridden. As some 25-year-old bloke from Birmingham, England, hiding behind a smelly little blog, what gives me the right to judge your movie? What gives me the right to dole out insults and whiny nit-picks left, right and centre, telling people that they shouldn't go watch, for example, Postal or I Spit On Your Grave? Making a movie isn't easy, so why should I (or you, for that matter) piss all over that hard work, saying things like "Insert Film Title Here sucks Insert Random Animal Here's balls". One day I will probably make a film or write a book, but until then, I'm stuck here bashing the effort somebody put into doing something I'm too shit to do myself. Bravo me, you fucking arse.

I occasionally justify myself by taking a leaf from Johnny Depp's book in The Libertine. In that film, Depp's Rochester (my favourite poet, not-coincidentally) justifies his bitching about a particularly rubbish play by talking about how he loves theatre as a whole; bad dramatics offend him. I'm paraphrasing, because I've not seen The Libertine in years. That scene stuck with me ever since. I love cinema and I love horror, with a real passion. So I justify my horrible, pretentious, annoying whining with the thought that because this genre/cinema is so precious to me, I can't not air my fetid mind.

Rue Morgue did call the Review Hole 'crass' though, and words like 'snotty', 'degrading' and 'sleazy' get bandied around with some regularity, so I thought I'd try something a little different. I'm going to try something a little different with this review. I'm going to try to be objective, and not get angry, and step back and judge it anew. I'm going to review Twilight. Nicely. At the very least, it might get me some Twi-hard followers.

Twilight is a supernatural love story directed by Catherine Hardwicke, adapted from the hit series of novels by Stephenie Meyer. In it, schoolgirl Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart) moves to the sleepy American town of Forks, to live with her father and his impressive moustache. There, she meets Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson) hunky member of a family of local vegetarian vampires. They fall in love instantly, although Edward is understandably hesitant due to his bloodsucking heritage. Things become complicated at the arrival of a gang of less friendly vampires. Dramatics ensue.

Phew, now that wasn't so hard, was it? Twilight is competently directed, and looks very pretty. I was especially impressed by how nice Forks and its surroundings look, all misty and with some very nice trees. The Cullen family live in a lovely house too. I liked the music, which was very haunting and romantic and cute. It's the best part of the film. There's also a song by my favourite modern band, Muse. Supermassive Black Hole is a wonderful song and if you close your eyes and ignore the dialogue, the scene really becomes something great.

The concept too, isn't entirely rubbish. I mean, we can all remember teenage love, can't we? If you sort of ignore every single thing about Twilight, you can pretend you're watching an episode of True Blood. Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are not the worst actors in the world. Robert Pattinson's hair is very nice.

It's very original that the vampires sparkle in this movie instead of being killed by daylight. It's a brave decision to subvert the vampire mythos like that. Too many films are overly reverent and laden with things like tradition and subtext, so it's nice to have something come along that ignores every single thing that came before it and tries to be its own thing instead. And bravo to Stephenie Meyer too, managing to write a whole series of vampire books without ever having read Dracula. It's awfully nice that she can skip all of that background research and hard work and go straight for the millions. If anyone criticises Stephenie Meyer then it's definitely because they themselves are jealous and cannot write about Adonis bodies as well as Stephenie Meyer does.

In summary, I can say that Twilight is a very competent film which serves its target audience well. I give it 3/5 Screaming Scream Queens because I haven't seen it in years and am therefore filling in the blanks in my memory by humming Supermassive Black Hole and drinking heavily.