Predictable Post of the Week: My Bloody Valentine

Director: George Mihalka (1981)
Starring: Lori Hallier, Alf Humphreys, Helene Udy
Find it: IMDB, Amazon

One of my favourite of the 80s' slasher movies, My Bloody Valentine sees a psychopath in a gas mask hack up a small mining village with a pickaxe on Valentines' Day. I think flowers were the most romantic gesture I've ever made, but Harry Warden and his pick know how to show a girl a good time. Saying that, I did send a girl a bloody heart in a chocolate box once. I'm sure she liked it, although I'm not allowed close enough to her house to ask.

In 1961, an explosion traps five miners in a shaft, thanks to the foremen leaving early to attend a Valentine's Day dance. Six weeks later, miner Harry Warden is rescued, having eaten his co-workers and lost his sanity in the process (Insert joke about Chilean coal miners here). Harry violently murders the responsible foremen and swears another killing spree if the town should ever hold another Valentine's Day celebration. Which is kinda how I felt after watching Valentine's Day. A few years later, and Harry and his warning have been all but forgotten. The town decide to hold another dance again, despite the town Sheriff's warnings. The Miner turns up and lots of people die. Violently. Or not so violently, depending on which cut of the movie you're watching.

Forget the passable but vapid remake (reviewed here & retrofitted for 2011), My Bloody Valentine '81 wears its sadistic heart (yo ho ho) on its sleeve. This is a cruel, occasionally gory slasher with not a hint of irony to be found anywhere. No bland Supernatural brothers to distract from the violence. No miscast Sheriff or Twilight Deputy to be annoyed by. Just dead bodies in washing machines and The Miner on a rampage.

My Bloody Valentine is the perfect antidote to the sentimental Valentines' bollocks that plagues miserable sods every year. Every year I'll settle down on my Jack Jones with a multipack of beer, crisps and sweets, and I'll whack My Bloody Valentine in the DVD player. Sometimes the 2009 version too. But usually not. If you're a bitter old shit like me, I suggest the same. It works remarkably. And it makes the pain and bitterness and lonliness hurt just slightly less. Just for kicks, I like to imagine the cast of My Bloody Valentine to be made up of my exes and those whores who rejected me and the High School arseholes who got all the attention and yeah, Harry Warden's gonna fuck you all up :-))

Ahem. I jest, I'm fine, really. The point being: girls come and go, but Harry Warden can be my Bloody Valentine any day.