RANDOM LISTS: Movies not to eat your breakfast by

A list of movies that are sure to ruin your appetite. And let's face it, if your horror habits are anything like mine, you're sure to be shoving sweets & beer down your neck as you tuck into the latest Friday the 13th. These are movies (or at least scenes) best avoided when in the proximity of food. Warning: here be more gross-outs than One Night in Paris or Sly Stallone's porn movie.

10. Monty Python's Meaning of Life - Not horror, but a classic bit of British comedy from the Pythons. Most of the movie is relatively popcorn-safe, but those with a low tolerance for onscreen vomiting would be well advised to avoid the Mr. Creosote scenes. John Prescott-alike Mr. Creosote arrives in a swanky restaurant and promptly begins stuffing his fat face. Then this happens:

9. Supersize Me - A clever idea I had once: "Oh dude, you know what'd be hilarious? If we totally brought us some Large Big Macs (you can't get 'supersize' in the UK) and watched Supersize Me." Yes, I speak like an idiot. And also, those fucking liposuction scenes almost made me lose that Big Mac all over the cinema.

8. August Underground/Salo - I'd recommend no-one watch August Underground or Salo at all. But if you really must, I'd also recommend that you don't consider eating anything for a few days before watching it. Unless, y'know, you're less iffy about the thought of chewing on turds than I. If you just can't get enough of that sort of thing, then there's also Divine eating doggy doodoo off've a pavement in Pink Flamingos. Also: I hope you're gonna brush your teeth afterwards.

7. Se7en - Nomnomnom, lovely dinner. I wonder what's on TV? Nomnomnom, oh look, Se7en is on. Oh look, it's Morgan Freeman and Brad Pitt. All a bit dingy, isn't it? Nomnomnom. That was a lovely dinner I was eating. Well, up until they found the 'Gluttony' victim. Not quite so hungry anymore.

6. The Shining - A different kind of gross-out horror here, but nontheless quite off-putting if you're tucking into a plate of something tasty. It's a universal fear, is it not? You're making out with a total hotty and halfway through she/he turns into a wrinkly ol' granny, complete with saggy tits/ballbag. I think I'll leave that second helping of beef jerky, thanks.

5. Cannibal Holocaust - Thinking of giving Cannibal Holocaust a go? Set down the kebab meat first. If all the violence (and there's a lot) and nudity didn't put you off first, there's a whole lot of (literal) animal guts splayed out everywhere; enough to make even this hardy corpse-chomper consider taking up vegetarianism.

4. 90% of Takashi Miike's cinematic output - Something to disgust everyone here. You got spoons stuck up a man's ass, lactating grannies, abuse of chip fat, the abortions in Imprint, most everything in Ichi the Killer and a whole bunch of other bits and bobs you really don't wanna see while tucking into a tasty nosh. To be fair, if you consider anything Takashi Miike does to be 'popcorn entertainment' then you deserve to lose your dinner, silly person.

3. Dumplings - Nomnomnom, Chinese takeaway. Nomnomnom... remember that film I watched once... what was it called, Dumplings? Fried balls of dough will never be the same again if you've ever watched Fruit Chan's Dumplings. In that movie, the secret to good skin appears to be deep-fried foetuses. Because you're worth it.

2. Megan Fox Braindead - A movie to put you off've custard for a very long time. Trying to keep up appearances for her posho dinner guests, zombie Vera is in attendance for evening dinner. But she doesn't quite notice her ear drop into the custard before her. Yum. Nor does her dinner guest notice as zombie Vera pops a zit right into his dessert. "Lovely custard." Indeed.

1. The Human Centipede - This could've been dumped (HA, dump - geddit?) in with the rest of the scat stuff at no.8, but The Human Centipede is so much more than a bit of poopie porn; it's poopie porn dragged out to feature length. It's far from the most disgusting thing on this list (kudos to director Tom Six for managing to be so restrained) but the potty scenes are truly revolting.

*Nomnomnomnom*