Action Movie Monday Presents: Steven Seagal: Lawman

Because Steven Seagal: Sex Traffiker wasn't quite as catchy

Imagine Dog the Bounty Hunter crossed with one of Steven Seagal's modern STD era 'action' 'movies' and K-Ville, and you essentially get the gist of Steven Seagal: Lawman. If the aforementioned canine Bounty Hunter were to lose all of his hair, eat a few more pies and cruise around in a cop car arresting perps even less deserving, then it'd very much resemble Lawman as it is. Steven Seagal in Lawman is like Eric Cartman in that episode of South Park. RESPECT MY AUTHORITAAAHHH.

As the adverts are so fond of reminding you, Lawman is completely real and not at all manufactured. There's no acting here; as if they need to tell us. Steven Seagal doesn't know the meaning of the word acting. In Jefferson County, Louisiana, we find Steve playing cop. Over the bits of episodes I half-saw, Seagal arrested a druggy, chased a scrawny gangbanger, got rid of an annoying pisshead and sorted out a case where it looked like a kid had been run over but he actually he hadn't. The one common thread that held all these investigations together was the fact that Seagal had nothing to do with any of the policework. From what I saw, Seagal spends a lot of time poking his torch down dingy alleyways, signing autographs and lecturing uninterested poor people about Aikido and the importance of good parenting. All of this is interspersed with lots of footage of Seagal being condescending to black people and calling them "brother" a lot. I like Steven Seagal and his movies, but Lawman isn't a very interesting programme. Like its star, it takes itself far too seriously and is nowhere near as dynamic as it thinks it is. RESPECT MY AUTHORITAAAAHHHH, BROTHER.

Unimportant crimes sort-of foiled, Seagal goes on to visit a hospital for sick kids. Unfortunately, he doesn't punch any of them in the face. He can't even be bothered to get a body double to do it. In fact, nobody gets punched or even nearly punched at all over the course of Lawman. Seagal could obviously use a case of his own Lightning Bolt. Obviously trafficking sex is tiring business, since Seagal looks quite tired as he undertakes his lawman duties. Although since his dodgy doings have been discovered, the series has been cancelled, hopefully giving mister Seagul time to concentrate on one thing at a time. What with the crappy criminal activities, crappy energy drinks, crappy movies, crappy singing and crappy TV series all on the go at once, it looks like it might be time for the big man to chill out a bit. (Maybe the forthcoming and excellent-looking Machete will buck things up a bit). That said, no-one does crappy as reliably as our Steven Seagal. It's quite reassuring in a crappy sort of way. RESPECT MY CRAPPY AUTHORITAHHH, BROTHER.

1 comment:

  1. Seagal is fucking HUGE in Asia, in particular the Philippines. Every damn corner store has a poster of Seagal holding a bottle of Tanduay Rhum in one hand, and a babe-alicious DDD bimbette in the other.

    And do you think I could get one of the shopkeepers to sell me their copy of the poster?

    I got no authoritaaaahhhh....