Director: Eric Forsberg (2010)
Starring: Paul Logan, Tiffany, Barry Williams, David Labiosa
Find it online: IMDB, The Asylum
"It wasn't an explosion. It wasn't terrorism. It was Piranha." And what Piranha. The featured nasties get bigger and bigger until a climactic glut of particularly ridiculous scenes in which you see them leaping out of rivers, suicide-bombing buildings and noshing on helicopters. "This is FUBAR." Indeed.
Look, cinema snobs, it's called Mega Piranha and it was made by The Asylum. You know what to expect. Shakespeare verily this is not. In terms of technical quality, it's probably only a couple of steps above Uwe Boll. Every movement is accompanied by a whip-pan and a real loud whooshing sound. Once scene sees a scientist sit down at his computer to the sound of a whoosh and a zoom. It's like a mad cross between Michael Bay, 24 and that Piranha sequel with the flying fish. It's a movie inept on all but one level; and that level is the Eleventh Floor on Irony Towers. Look, it's called Mega Piranha. What were you expecting? Look again, their last movie was Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. To expect anything but (very) mindless fun would be foolish. When all's said and done, I find it hard to bear any ill will towards a movie in which a character recharges a phone battery by sucking on it. You learn something new everyday.
Agent Fitch (Logan) is in Venezuela, investigating the death of an American diplomat. An explosion? Terrorism? An animal attack? Very much the latter. It's all the fault of American scientists, led by 80's pop sensation Tiffany. Her character has a name and stuff, but to most everyone, she's just Tiffany. I'd complain about her questionable acting skills, but heck, I'm just happy to see her. Talking of which:
Yes. She sings over the end credits too, which is nice. Here's hoping we get a duet between herself and Debbie Gibson in the upcoming Mega Python vs Gateroid (no, I haven't a clue what a 'Gateroid' is either. But it sounds painful). Anyway, Tiffany and some disposable scientists join Fitch in trying to stop the Piranhas before they get any bigger. The movie can't seem to decide just how big the Megapiranha are, but they's big enough to impale themselves on lighthouses and chew up whole submarines. And also, rip off that one scene from Deep Blue Sea. Twice.
The acting is naff. The script is 50% cliche, 40% hyperbole and 10% bizarre. The CGI is terrible. But purposefully so, and it's all loveably done. They don't make nearly enough movies like this nowadays, so I'd say that Mega Piranha deserves all the viewership it can get. Heck, at the very least it'll tide us over nicely until Alexandre Aja's Piranha 3D comes out.
(As ever with such things, at least one of my Scream Queens is screaming ironically).