Pitch the Lamb: Washed Up

Director: Uwe Boll (ETA 2011)

Starring: Steven Seagal, Adam Sandler, Martin Lawrence, Anna Faris, Verne Troyer

Find it online: Well, not yet.

In association with the LAMB's neat little Pitch the Lamb feature (this month's theme: Buddy Flicks), the Horror Review Hole brings you a glimpse into the future, with our hitherto unseen plot synopsis of Washed Up, the buddy movie as written by yours truly. Adam Sandler and Steven Seagal star as Harry and Leslie, a pair of old schoolfriends who are reunited in the latter's hour of need. Leslie, once a slick, mean ex-CIA agent turned expert Hitman has become a fat, old, washed up mess. He reaches out to his only friend in life - Harry - in the hope of redemption. That's if he can survive the dangerous gangster (Lawrence) who's after his head... zany hijinks ensue.

WASHED UP

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The movie opens with a prologue. Kids in a schoolyard. Meet HARRY; A stereotypical nerd-type sits alone at a table, reading a comic book. Over comes the school bully and rips his comic to shreds. Harry starts crying. The bully is about to beat the motherlovin’ turds out of him when JOHN LESLIE intervenes. He wears a long leather jacket and a ponytail. Using some cool Aikido moves, he beats the bully to a pulp. Harry smiles. He and John Leslie shake hands. And so a friendship forms.

ACT ONE

Twenty years later. Harry (Sandler) is a neurotic businessman type, married to a lovely wife (Faris) with kids. He’s still geeky, but vaguely contented. He has ambitions of one day becoming a partner in his company, but hasn’t the money. One day, the telephone rings. He answers. “You owe me! Remember that.” What? Drunkenly: “I think the walls are moving…” Harry gasps, realising who it is. LESLIE. He leaves a motel address, repeating the sentence “you owe me.” Harrytries to ignore it and goes for dinner with his wife. He’s awkward and miserable all night. In bed, he dreams of the past; Leslie coming to his defence time and time again. In the middle of the night he leaves.

ACT TWO

Harry finds the motel. It’s a dodgy-ass area, and he gets mugged. Just as the mugger (a cameo from Rob Schneider) is about to stab him… a figure smashes the mugger over the head with an empty vodka bottle. “Did we forget something? You never let anyone push you about, pard’ner. You remember nothing I taught you?” It’s LESLIE. Older, fatter and played by Steven Seagal. He grabs Harry by the collar and pulls him into the motel bar. Drinks. Leslie's already off his tits, but he orders a bottle of whiskey and begins downing it hardcore style. Harry asks him what happened. Leslie tells him how he’s a Hitman now, only he fucked it up (he doesn’t say it, but we can assume it’s because he’s now an alcoholic and a fatty) and he’s on the run from serious gangsters. Talking of which… “Well look who just walked in.” Mobsters. They haven’t noticed Leslie yet. He and Harry try to sneak out, but he loudly drops the whiskey bottle on the floor. Shit.
Fight scene!! The Mobsters (probably played by John C. McGinley and a Wayans Brother) attack. Leslie tries to fight back, and does quite well… but the Wayans Brother shoves him up against a wall and is about to shoot him when… Harry cracks a pool cue off’ve his head. He drops Leslie and the mobsters break out laughing. “Goddammit,” Leslie shouts, “remember what I taught you.” Almost gingerly, Harry punches the Wayans Brother in the throat. Or tries. Wayans punches him through a window. They join him on the sidewalk and are about to kill poor Harry rather violently when… Leslie runs them over in his truck. Harryclimbs in. They drive away. “Road trip!”

ACT THREE

Harry demands to be taken home. He’s bloody and battered. His suit is a bit of a mess. He’s had enough. But Leslie begs for his help. Pleads. “You know I would do the same for you.” Harry looks at him, knowing he can’t say no. He reluctantly uses his Cellphone and calls his wife, telling her he’ll be at a business meeting for the next week or so. “Alright,” Harry says, “what do you need?”
Cue ‘hilarious’ road trip antics. On the first night, they hire a motel – but they only have one bed! Epic LOLZ. The second day, Leslie decides he needs a gun. So they go to a GUN DEALER (Christopher Mintz-Plasse). Cue training montage in which Leslie hilariously fails to use a gun and shoots Mintz-Plasse in the foot. Then, they go to Leslie's old dojo so he can touch up on his fighting styles. Leslie's master is now dead, and the place is run by a bad tempered dwarf (Verne Troyer). The dwarf beats the shit outta Leslie, whilst a mad old man (played by Leslie Nielsen) sits in the corner laughing and drinking his own piss.
They sit in their truck, nursing their wounds. Leslie holds a bottle of whiskey in his hands, preparing to give it all up. Harry sits with him, they talk. Harry makes his old friend realise that he is loved after all, and he’s not so alone: “you’re my best friend. I love you, man.”
And then the car door opens, and there’s the mobsters pointing guns at them. Leslie beats the hell out of them, spurred on by the knowledge that he got a friend!
Training montage! Set to "Best Friend" by Queen. Harry and Leslie train. We watch as Leslie improves his marksmanship, then returns to the Dojo and kicks Verne Troyer in the face. At the end, they hug.

ACT FOUR

Chicago. In a tower block, Gangster HARVEY MAGUFFIN (Lawrence) is mightily angered at his goons, who are battered and bruised from their encounter with the newly empowered Leslie. “What am I paying you for?” Standard villain shtick. The intercom goes. “Mister Maguffin, you have some visitors to see you.” He asks who it is. “A mister Leslie, sir.” There’s a gunshot. The elevator in the corner of the room begins to rise. All guns point to it. The doors open. Only HARRY. “Surprise!”
While Maguffin and his goons are distracted, Leslie bursts through the window, having jumped from the roof of the opposite building. Being a fat bastard now, it’s quite the impact, and he crashes through Maguffin's mahogany table. “I’ll kill you extra hard for that, motherfucker!” Maguffin fights with Leslie. The goons attack Harry, who shoots one of them dead. He tussles with McGinley’s character (what, I can’t think up names for everyone) and, in his ultimate moment of manliness, throws him out of a window.
Maguffin and Leslie fight. Leslie is old and fat, and Maguffin is just useless, so it lasts a while. Leslie (well, a body double) high kicks him in the face, so hard that it breaks his neck. Exit MAGUFFIN.
The two stand side-by-side, weary but happy. In the corner, a safe full of money. Harry remarks that there’d be enough money in that safe to take over his company completely. Leslie smiles. “Who’s going to know?”

EPILOGUE

One year later. Harry lives in a really big, really nice house. He's having a barbeque. His kids play happily on their enormous trampoline. His wife (still played by Anna Faris) reclines by their hu-uge swimming pool. Harry smiles, flipping the sausages. At his side, Leslie, tucking into a fat hamburger.

As the credits roll, 'All-Star' by SmashMouth plays. Sandler, Seagal and Lawrence dance over said credits.



Look out for Washed Up. It'll be coming soon to a cinema, DVD, television, streaming site, dustbin or nothing near you very soon. Or not at all.