Vampires Suck. Yes, but you suck even more

Full disclosure: Yes, I watched this. But I didn't pay for it, so it doesn't put any coins in the coffers of the Movie Movie team. Normally I would lie or feel bad for having streamed someone else's hard work online, but no-one worked hard on Vampires Suck. In fact, the hardest piece of work anyone put into Vampires Suck was choosing a title that's not Vampire Movie.

Only seconds in, and it's easily as bad as Twilight. Becca moves to the small town of Sporks (I jest you not, Sporks is the town name I had in mind for my own Twilight spoof. There's little more depressing than the realization that you have the same mindset as a Movie Movie writer). The plot is basically Twilight then New Moon with added penis jokes ("I'M IN A WHEELCHAIR. I FEEL NOTHING BELOW MY WAIST. DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S BELOW MY WAIST?" MY PENIS". And I'm not being sarcastic. Someone actually says that) and something they stole from Little Britain. In fact, Vampires Suck could have actually been Twilight as directed by someone a little less reverent than Catherine Hardwicke. It's replayed scene-for-scene, sometimes with actors who look exactly the same as the original lot. "From the guys who couldn't sit through another vampire movie?" Fuck off, they barely watched one.

And oh for fuck's sake, just to piss you off they even use that song by "Muse" too. Thanks universe, way to conspire to make me hate "Muse". So the plot is exactly the same, lines from Twilight's script are repeated verbatim and even the actors look the same. Some things are done a lot better than Twilight, some the same, and some a whole lot worse. There's actually a lot more action, which breaks up the inanity of the plot, even if said action involves someone being hit in the balls. The actors are ever so slightly less wooden and it's actually not as mysoginistic than as Stephenie Meyer's work. The bad: everything else.

The jokes are exactly what one might expect, plus a few you'd think too obvious or too not funny. Silly cinemagoer, no joke is too not funny for a Movie Movie. Get it, Jacob's a werewolf so he pisses up lampposts and chases cats. The vampires are really emo, so the Cullens are called the Sullens. Hi-larity. The jokes are a bunch of lazy pop culture references (oh look, Lady Gaga), shitty slapstick humour (MAN GET KICKED IN BALLS), faux-smut and assorted other horrible bullshit cribbed from the first Scary Movie and every episode of Family Guy ever.

Even fuller disclosure: I couldn't watch all of Vampires Suck. It's ball-achingly unfunny, brain-achingly stupid and depressingly boring. As much so as Twilight, in fact that I felt like I had just re-watched those shitty movies. With that in mind, it's only fair that we resurrect Johnny Cash and his Twilight-exclusive fuck you/5. Friedberg, Seltzer, Meyer - when will you ever learn? You all fucking suck.


  1. hate it when i don't even have to watch a film to know it sucks even harder than your mother's brand new Hoover....

  2. I have no interest in seeing this, great review
    Dreaded Dreams
    Petunia Scareum

  3. i honestly hated the twilight movies, and hates this spoof too. it wasnt funny, but i really like this review =] i didnt like how it contradicted itself on hating the original films and also being devoted to them, i had some thoughts at
    you should check it out, leave a comment if you like

  4. This is on my list of movies I will never, ever see. Unless forced at gunpoint. But even then, I would rather die.