Action Movie Monday Presents: Silent Rage

Director: Michael Miller (1982)

Starring: Chuck Norris, Ron Silver, Steven Keats

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

The following review is in association with Chuck Norris Ate My Baby and the neat little contest they be running over there. Described on Wikipedia as a romantic/action/sci-fi/horror movie, Silent Rage pits the legendary Chuck Norris against a genetically modified loon. Or, as the tagline most subtly puts it, "Science created him. Now Chuck Norris must destroy him." In the time of the slasher movie boom, Silent Rage is Chuck Norris' effort - effectively pitting him against Michael Myers. Who would win in a fight between Chuck Norris and Michael Myers? Chuck, obviously. When people go to bed, they look in their closet for The Shape. When The Shape goes to bed, he looks for Chuck Norris. Ahem, sorry. This being the Review Hole's first Chuck Norris related feature, we're contractually obliged to hammer out a number of cliches. Including (but in no way limited to) Chuck Norris facts, references to Walker Texas Ranger and that bit in Dodgeball when Ben Stiller says "fuckin' Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris plays Dan Stevens, Sheriff of a small Texan town. When local crazy John Kirby finally snaps and starts hacking people up with an axe, Stevens brings him in. Using bullets. Instead of letting him die, a team of medical clever sorts decide to use a new method of genetic modification to save the killer's life. This brings him back stronger than ever. And also a little bit indestructible. Silly killer, your indestructability might've bothered someone like Stallone or Willis*, but high-kickin' Chuck Norris ain't having none of it. Chuck Norris is the only man who could ever get away with having the letters 'Norris' anywhere near his moniker and yet still retain utter hardness.

Obvious Coronation Street joke

Upon waking up, killer Kirby sets about murdering a whole bunch of people. What follows will seem awfully familiar to fans of Slash, but with more Chuck Norris than we're used to. The closest us slasher fanboys get to kung-fu is usually Busta Rhymes in Halloween: Resurrection. So to see Norris beating some slasher ass is a nice little treat. It's just a shame that the Killer isn't quite as iconic as his foe. He doesn't even have a mask.

But before all that, there's a bit of a love story, much ado about the morals of Frankenstein science, and a silly subplot in which Stevens takes on a gang of bikers. Occasionally, director Michael Miller decides to chuck in the odd scene in which Kirby murders a hapless passer by. It's like three or four movies in one, all fighting against one another for supremacy.

When they finally find the time, Sheriff Stevens and Kirby tussle for a bit. Stevens plugs Kirby full of lead, tosses him through a window and beats several shades of hell outta the poor Myers-wannabe. Upon realising that it's a fight that can't be won, Stevens gets bored and tosses his opponent down a well. The end. Really. Kirby's a guy that can heal from literally any wound, and yet Stevens assumes dropping him down a well will kill him. Out of sight, out of mind I suppose. Silent Rage sets itself up for a sequel, but none ever came. Not particularly surprising, since Silent Rage isn't Norris at his best. He's not even at full beard (the moustache, impressive as it might be, doesn't count). The fat deputy character is annoying, and too much time is spent on Stevens' feud with the bikers. A little more gore wouldn't have gone amiss, and I'd have liked to see the twosome's battle be somewhat more epic perhaps.

Still, it makes for diverting viewing should you fancy a little Slash with your Chuck Norris (or vice versa). The very 80s' era sci-fi stuff works well, and the fight scenes between Stevens and Kirby are pretty fun once they get going, even if I was expecting something a little more gruesome and OTT. When all is said and done, it's a Chuck Norris slasher movie. For that, it earns itself infinite kudos.

Fun fact: those aren't credits that roll at the end of Silent Rage. That's a list of Norris-related fatalities that occured during the making of the movie.

Ultimately, Silent Rage scores a record

*Chuck Norris knows what Willis is talking about.