HITMAN (2007)

Hunky man-crush Timothy Olyphant (The Crazies, Perfect Getaway) plays the eponymous bald barcoded Hitman. Despite looking like a Tory politician, Hitman - AKA Agent 47 - is a consumate badass. He's not quite as cold and cruel as the videogame character - but then, I did spend most of my time murdering hapless butlers/chauffers/mailmen, undressing them and dumping them down storm drains. Also cut from the movie: the numerous fuck-ups, dull wandering and sneaking around, and the epic failures that comes with being a completely inept gamer. Olyphant's Hitman is far less useless than I was, and it makes for a far more entertaining cinematic experience. Heck, I'm so terrible at the Hitman games that only Uwe Boll could do it justice.

There's a plot, but only as much as they could get away with inbetween set-pieces and hyperkinetic fight scenes. Agent 47 is employed to assassinate Russian president Belicoff, only to find himself set up and pursued by fellow Hitmen, the Russian military and a pair of dogged British cops. For some reason I missed, he gets himself mixed up with Nika (Olga Kurylenko) and sexual tension/LOTS OF NUDITY ensues. Villain duties are ably handled by Robert Knepper (Transporter 3/Prison Break/Heroes) and Desmond from off've Lost. Throw in a bit of casual misoginy, a hilarious four way sword-fight and plenty of nods to the game, and you have a wonderful example of how a videogame adaptation should be done.

Fans of the game series should find a lot to like in Hitman, even if it is a movie that feels like it should star Jason Statham (no bad thing). It's the dumbest thing since the lunkheaded Brit's Transporter trilogy, and is as a result, only marginally less entertaining. I like how the supposedly super-slick assassin couldn't look any more conspicuous if he tried. And nobody ever says "dude, what's with the barcode?" Hitman is as good as a videogame adaptation could possibly ever be, and is never anything less than fun. If you can get past the relentless idiocy, then there's a lot of fun to be had there.


  1. I love the idea of Uwe Boll hiring an inept gamer to help him block out the actions of his next film.

    "I really like zah vay you stare up at za ceiling and spin vhile shootink crazily. I vill put zat in my next movie!"

  2. Yeah, that's probably how he makes 90% of his movies. Still doesn't explain 'House of the Dead' though, since the player doesn't even control the camera.