The Lords of Salem

Director: Rob Zombie (2012)
Starring: Sheri Moon Zombie, Ken Foree
Find it: IMDB

Oh yummy, my favourite - words. Don't mind me, I'm just enjoying a plate of "Rob Zombie is shit" followed by a side order of myself saying that there are "no scary Witch movies". Nom, pass the "Devil's Rejects is shit" salad, please. Ahem. When Rob Zombie first emerged as a director of horror movies in 2003 with his House of 1000 Corpses, I had completely dismissed him and his directorial debut. And then I went on to absolutely loathe that film's sequel, The Devil's Rejects. Subsequent re-viewings of those films have left me wondering just what crack I was on at the time. While far from masterpieces, neither film is even nearly as bad as I somehow came away thinking them to be. Halloween, on the other hand, still sucks (edit: damn, no it doesn't! Not entirely, anyway).

With my newfound appreciation for Mister Robert Zombie and his films, I approached The Lords of Salem hoping for the best. There's a sense, with his films, that he can be too reverent, putting casting and style before character and substance. Sure, it's cool to see Danny Trejo in a Halloween movie, but you'd be better off making sure that the story and script isn't complete arsewash first. Would The Lords of Salem buck the trend, and stand on its own two feet, gimmicky casting aside?

Mostly, yes. It also helps that there are no more Hillbillies and is instead set at a heavy metal style radio station. Heidi Hawthorne (Moon Zombie) is a DJ at Salem's Number One radio station, playing a show alongside Hermans Salvador (Jeff Daniel Phillips) and Jackson (Foree). If The Lords of Salem left me with one overriding thought, it's that Ken Foree should totally have his own radio show. One fateful night, Heidi is delivered a mysterious vinyl record in a wooden box, purporting to be fresh from the recording studio of 'The Lords', a dark and mysterious local metal band. As she plays the record, Heidi sets into motion a series of events that will have terrible implications for her and all of Salem. Whoops.

Topical joke.

What follows is like a Rob Zombie version of Rosemary's Baby. There's a coven of witches, some great swearing and some truly unsettling nightmare imagery. Licking babies, blowjobs in church, goats and lots of terrifying nudity, The Lords of Salem is Rob Zombie's most effective horror film. While his other movies have been fine works of exploitation, they've never actually been scary. This should redress the balance. The all-important track by the Lords which permeates the film works well, in that it sounds genuinely chilling. Heidi's reaction to the song: that's how I feel about Adele.

Moody, grim and depressing, Salem's lot is not a happy one. It's a film which should stay with you long after the credits roll. Lords of Salem is Rob Zombie's best movie so far.

Some Guy Who Kills People

Director: Jack Perez (2011)
Starring: Kevin Corrigan, Barry Bostwick, Ariel Gade, Lucy Davis
Find it: IMDB

Not nearly enough people, he doesn't. You can't come up with a great title like that and then not have some guy killing a shitload of people. Even worse, you can't have a great title like that and then be a surprisingly touching movie about a father reconnecting with his estranged daughter. Even worse(r) than that, it's like a romantic comedy at times. I haven't been this disappointed since Tyrannosaur. Where's my fuckin' dinosaur, Paddy Considine?

Kevin Corrigan is Ken Boyd, an ice cream salesman who has only recently been released from a mental institution after a traumatic incident in his past. Ken likes to relax by drawing violent cartoons in which people he doesn't like get gruesomely murdered. But then they start showing up, actually dead, as depicted by Ken. At the same time, the daughter he never knew existed shows her face at his ice cream shop, trying to forge a relationship with the father she never knew existed. Begrudgingly, Ken agrees. It's a good job, since Some Guy Who Kills People is much better at the sweet Kevin Smith style comedy than it is the horror or thriller stuff. By the time Lucy Davis (from off've The Office and Shaun of the Dead) shows up, the film is in full-on romantic comedy mode. Davis even seems to be doing a Hugh Grant impression throughout, all affected 'ums' and 'ahs', very English and socially awkward. She's a bizarre presence, although she does wrinkle her nose in a fairly adorable manner.

Talking of adorable: Amy Gade as Ken's daughter is the standout performance. She's a talented kid - funny, sweet and not at all annoying. Corrigan is good as the disturbed, shy Ken, but the supporting cast tend to steal the limelight every time. Karen Black is ace as his mother, while Barry Boswick is very good as her suitor and town sheriff. As a human drama, it's very good. As a horror film, it stinks.  

Some Guy Who Kills people is not the film you might expect it to be. But that's fine, there's plenty of horror films about some guy just killing people and doing nothing else, anyway. There, I could be talking about ninety percent of the slasher subgenre already. Sometimes it's nice to take a break and watch something saccharine and cuddly and nice. Although I would have liked to have been warned.