The Dentist 2

Director: Brian Yuzna (1998)

Starring: Corbin Bernsen, Jillian McWhirter, Jeff Doucette

Find it: IMDB

Dentists tend to get a bum rap in popular media, largely depicted as wimps or losers (Stu in The Hangover or Ben Harper in the risible British sit'com' My Family). Not so in Brian Yuzna's Dentist films. There is no way on Shub Niggurath's green Earth you'd get me sitting in that scary bastard's chair. There's a scene in which the good Doctor sells the values of friendly dentistry. It'd be a good speech, were it not delivered by a man scarier than Herbert West, Evan Giggles and Doc Heiter put together.

In The Dentist, it took the might of Ken Foree to bring Doctor Feinstone (Bernsen) to justice. But now he's escaped from his friendly neighbourhood mental institution and is posing as small town dentist Dr. Caine. There's a real effort to make Feinstone a sympathetic character in the movie's opening half, showing his struggle with inner demons and desires; the man just wants to settle down and fall in love, but everywhere he goes, he's tormented by other people's crap teeth, oral hygiene and bad manners. Eventually he has little choice but to succumb and start killing shit.

The Dentist 2 is sequelisation at its best. The bodycount is higher, the gore more plentiful, the one-liners funnier ("pulling teeth is like... pulling teeth") and the lead actor more comfortable in his role. The man is terrifying in a way that Freddy, Jason and Michael could only ever hope to be. The lack of any real threat to Feinstone is noticeable (okay, I just missed Ken Foree) but there is a nice bit where he carves up That Guy actor Clint Howard (credited here as 'Mr. Toothache').

It doesn't quite have the original film's bite (boom boom) but more than makes up for that with lashings of blood and tooth trauma elsewhere. As a fellow always terrified of the dentist, this sort of thing does not help. I cringed during all of the tooth torture scenes, and even looked away at one point. The Dentist 2 is a terrifying movie. But for all that yuck, the movie's very final scene is probably one of the funniest endings to a horror movie I have ever seen, and a very perfect goodbye to the utterly terrifying Doctor Alan Feinstone.

[Insert line about never ever wanting to go to the dentist again here].

Daddy's Girl

Director: DJ Evans (2006)

Starring: Richard Harrington, Jaime Winstone, Louise Delamere

Find it: IMDB

Troubled Emo (is there any other kind?) Nina (Winstone) crosses paths with equally troubled psychiatrist Doctor Stephen (Harrington) after she puts herself in hospital during a bout of self-harm. Kids today, eh. But Nina is no ordinary Emo; cutting herself is merely the means to an end, and not the main event. She's developed a taste for blood - the fresher and more human the better. Ugh, kids. If they're not wearing hoodies and looting Footlocker, then they're drinking blood and listening to You Me At Six (I checked with my teenage sister; that's definitely what the Emos these days are listening to).

Complications ensue when Doctor Stephen falls for Nina's mother (Delamere), making the situation even worse. Also, there's the fact that he's addicted to anti-depressants and still mourning the recent self-inflicted death of his own wife. Daddy's Girl is far from a cheerful film. Almost all of the characters attempt to commit suicide at one point, and when they're not trying to do that, they're chugging anti-depressants, killing things or being killed themselves.

If you look elsewhere, you may find Daddy's Girl marketed as Cravings. The DVD cover for Cravings depicts a pair of vampire fangs and is the sort of thing that could have been designed by somebody who has never seen Daddy's Girl. It's barely a vampire film. Beyond one of its characters drinking blood, it has as much in common with the vampire subgenre as Twilight.

The titular 'daddy's girl' is Jaime Winstone, daughter of hardman Ray. Thankfully she doesn't have her father's looks. Also thankfully, she's of a perfectly legal age in Daddy's Girl. I was beginning to worry for my tastes. I would say something like "phoar, she can drink my blood anytime," but she's quite intimidating in this movie. The finale is reminiscent of Audition, and whilst Daddy's Girl is not even nearly in the same league as that movie, you can see the sort of thing writer/director DJ Evans was going for.

It's a gloomy, moody, atmospheric piece, all damaged individuals and mental breakdowns. Dog lovers would be advised to steer clear of the liquidiser scene, as would those who dislike thoroughly miserable films about thoroughly miserable people. It was a bit too glum even for my tastes - and I listen to Morrissey every day and watch Jurassic Bark once a month - and none of the characters are at all likeable. Even the well-intentioned Doctor Stephen is too mopey to sympathise with, whilst Delamere's mother character eventually becomes as unlikable as her vampiric daughter.

Daddy's Girl is a very interesting, bleak film. If you can handle moody children, depressed adults and ineffectual authorities, then you'll get along just fine. For me, I don't think a little sparkling would have gone amiss.