Nurse 3D

Director: Douglas Aarniokoski (2013)
Starring: Paz de la Huerta, Katrina Bowden, Kathleen Turner
Find it: IMDB

But not viewed in 3D, because fuck off am I watching anything that doesn't have piranhas or murderous miners in it in 3D. In Nurse, which is a popular thing that people wanted to see apparently, a murderous nurse spends her evenings offing adulterous bastard men, like some sort of kinky anti-cheating Punisher. Things get complicated when she befriends colleague Danni (Bowden), who doesn't look so kindly upon her man-murdering ways. Melodrama ensues... in 3D!

Part stylish thriller, part steamy European slasher, all Lionsgate, Nurse (3D!) takes a strong female cast, promising concept, excellent visuals and clever writing, then promptly wastes the lot of them. A terrible central performance and sub-Robert Rodriguez level directing make Nurse (3D!) one of the more irritating horror films I've ever seen... in 3D! Except not in 3D, because, you know, fuck off am I watching anything that doesn't have Judge Dredd in it in 3D. As the titular nurse, Paz de la Huerta makes the first half a chore to watch, her monotone line delivery and dull pout doing nothing for the character or the film. Compare this with Katharine Isabelle in American Mary, making all the difference in an otherwise bland and overhyped film. A decent lead performer like Isabelle could have earned Nurse at least an extra star. As it is, much of the film hangs on de la Huerta's performance, which all but kills it dead.

Bowden does a better job as doe-eyed Danni, shouldering the rest of the movie when evil Abby isn't around. Sadly, as Aarniokoski isn't particularly interested in much more than shooting her in various states of lingerie, that doesn't leave her with a great deal of material to play with. In a film concerned with murdering the hell out of cheating, sleazy men, Nurse spends an awful lot of time leering at Huerta and Bowden (in 3D!) rather than bothering to craft anything worthwhile. There are a few oiled male abdomens though, evening the score slightly. At least the film perks up in the last half hour - its scenes of bloodshed and carnage livening up the action with a great fight scene and some wonderful gore.

Good visuals and genuinely witty script aside, one can't help but feel that Nurse would have been better off in the hands of prime De Palma or Larry Cohen. Aarniokoski manages the gore and the nudity well enough, but everything else feels disappointingly flat. As a sedative, it's better than Night Nurse.