Sorority Row (2009)

Director: Stewart Hendler (2009)

Starring: Briana Evigan, Rumer Willis, Leah Pipes, Carrie Fisher

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

A movie with a script so bad it makes the Prom Night remake look like Shakespeare, Sorority Row is a not-very good remake of a movie that was itself pretty mediocre in the first place. And it's quite apt that they changed the title, since it doesn't really resemble the original House on Sorority Row at all. Well, other than the fact it's set at a University and the girls all die. Updated for the idiot age, however: lots of references to facebook and iphones. "Add me on facebook. I'll totally accept." Sorority Row is a movie which has a character find the killer using an app on her iphone. Ugh.

The oddest thing is the decision to change the killer's (supposed) identity. In the original flick, the bad guy was (supposed to be) the girls' monumental bitch of a House Mother. After a prank goes wrong, House Mama gets killed. Soon after, the girls start getting offed. Sorority Row has the girls (supposedly) hunted by an old friend accidentally murdered in a prank gone wrong. This little change wouldn't matter too much, if it wasn't for the presence of Carrie Fisher as the House Mother. Throughout the movie, all I wanted to see was Carrie fucking Fisher as the serial killer. The closest we get is Leia weilding a shotgun for a few scenes. She's utterly wasted here, and it's a painful glimpse of how good Sorority Row could've been.

But like the original, there's plenty of sleaze. Shower scenes and full-frontal nudity are main order of the day. With a side order of sadistic violence. Whilst Sorority Row is a shitty movie, the kill scenes do manage to impress with their originality and mean-spiritedness. It's reminiscent of the Black Christmas remake in this respect, only with a bunch more dickhead characters and a worse script. Even the killer looks quite good, boasting an original weapon and very Giallo-inspired outfit. What can I say? I'm a sucker for a killer who wears leather gloves.

Sadly, the boobs and violence can't quite make up for the rest of the all-too apparent flaws. The characters are all horrendously irritating; and made even more so by the utterly pathetic script. It's basically a rip-off of I Know What You Did Last Summer, only with a tyre iron instead of a hook. And characters even more irritating than the Ghost Whinger lady. It's good that Sorority NO manages to have strong, independent female characters, but did they have to be so vapid and unintelligent? The actresses behind them do as well as they can, but have been hobbled by the terrible script and plotting. It's a script so bad that it left me feeling depressed by young people, humanity and the state of the English language. The word "pimped" should be reserved solely for hookers; and not fucking tyre irons. Sorority Row made me want to recreate the plot of Terminator, uncreating facebook, Stewart Hendler and the scriptwriters. No amount of Rumer Willis looking surprisingly hot can hide the depressing idiocy that permiates every moment of Sorority Row's runtime.

If you have a high tolerance for morons, Sorority Row may be more enjoyable for you. There's some good kills, Princess Fucking Leia with a Shotgun and - just maybe - a halfway decent movie buried under there someplace. It's been buried very well, mind. Like Twilight, Prom Night, What Katie Did Next and Justin Beiber, this movie will depress the humanity out of you.