Cockneys Vs Zombies

Director: Matthias Hoene (2012)
Starring: Rasmus Hardiker, Harry Treadway, Michelle Ryan
Find it: IMDB

What sounds like it should be one of the worst zombie movies ever takes an unexpected turn when it actually manages to be rather good. From the title and cast and Britishness alone, I had envisioned another Strippers vs Werewolves debacle, Dead Cert or Stag Night of the Dead. If there's one thing worse than low-budget British zombie movies, it's low-budget British zombie movies with gangsters thrown in for good measure. Especially when one of the gangsters is Billy Murray, as it inevitably always is.

Billy Murray is not in Cockneys vs Zombies, which is a good start. Instead there's another few ex-Eastenders (Paul Trueman and Zoe Slater, in case you care about that sort of thing, which you shouldn't), Richard Briers, an ex-Lock Stock boss, and Brian from off've My Parents are Aliens.

Sold.

As a pair of would-be cockney wideboys attempt to rob a bank, an outbreak of the living dead breaks loose in Eastend London. Meanwhile, the boys' kinda gangster grandfather tries to keep the zombies at bay as they converge upon a local old folks' home. The bank heist story is diverting enough, but the real fun is in seeing the likes of Richard Briers, Honor Blackman and Dudley Sutton fighting zombies. The film's mileage might depend on just how hilarious you find the thought of old people swearing and shooting sub-machine guns, but it's far better than it had any right to be. It's perhaps the best homegrown zombie comedy since Shaun of the Dead.  

Some of the gags work better than others though, and Ashley Thomas's character is a pain in the arse. Michelle Ryan struggles to make much of an impact as Katy, feeling as though the director was trying too hard to make her seem cool and sexy. This fails as much as it did in Doctor Who, when they tried exactly the same trick. Rasmus Hardiker, Harry Treadway and the others fare much better, sharing a nice chemistry and general affability. Tony Gardner was Brian on My Parents are Aliens, so is therefore exempt from criticism. The late institution Richard Briers is fun too, getting in a few funny lines and a great chase scene. For all the gore and swearing, it's an unexpectedly heart-warming movie.

Cockneys vs Zombies should have been awful. It should have starred Billy Murray and Danny Dyer. It should have been unwatchable. Instead, it's funny, warm and sweet. It's well Robin Hood, innit.

Ahem. Excuse me, while I make a note to NEVER FUCKING DO THAT AGAIN.

The Evil Dead

Director: Sam Raimi (1981)

Starring: Bruce Campbell. Also, other people. But mostly The Campbell.

Find it: IMDB

It's one of my ambitions that I compile a set of reviews for the infamous video nasties as banned here in England during the 1980s: all 39 of them, eventually. That job is made all the easier when one of those so-called 'nasties' happens to be one of my favourite movies of all time. There's a personal reason for that, too: Sam Raimi's The Evil Dead has the dubious honour of being the very first 18-rated horror movie I ever saw on the big screen. (No, sharp-eyed readers and Myspace* stalkers, I'm not that old - but it was re-released uncut in 2002, to my cinematic delectation). Cherry, popped. I was fucking enchanted.

The plot is both simple and a modern horror staple (living on today in the likes of Cabin in the Woods and Cabin Fever). Four kids drive down to their hired woodland cabin for a weekend of drinking, smoking pot and (in the case of Bruce Campbell's Ash) surprise marriage proposals. Things become quickly complicated when they discover the Necronomicon Ex Mortis (roughly translated as The Book of the Dead) and an audio reel in the cabin's cellar. Upon playing the recording, they awaken some bloody evil spirits and find themselves beset by demonic possession, horrible hallucinations and rape twigs. Can they survive the night?

You'll not find a jot of criticism from me here. To me, The Evil Dead is the perfect horror movie. There are very few movies that I'd describe as 'perfect'. The others: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Wicker Man and Dead Man's Shoes. Although I'd been a fan of horror for some time before, I view The Evil Dead as a rite of passage; for years, my folks had been telling me how horrible and totally awful it was. And, like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Exorcist I'd come to expect it to be something really explicit and horrendously bad. Of course it isn't. There's actually some comedy in there, inspired by the Three Stooges and the filmmakers' slapstick comedy influences. It shows. The sequels would up the comedy quotient, but this original piece gets the mix of horror and comedy just right. It was also my very first introduction to the cult genius that is Bruce Campbell.

It's an inspirational piece, one that shows the aspiring filmmaker the heights which can be achieved with relatively little. The making of The Evil Dead is one of my favourite rags-to-riches stories of all time. To me, The Evil Dead is far much more than just a horror movie. As we all know, Mary Whitehouse would come along shortly after its release and condemn it as evil and despicable and all kinds of horrible. Not bad, considering she never even bothered to watch the thing. Perhaps Raimi and chums should have hired her as their chief publicist. I don't doubt that her very vocal, criticisms helped in no small way to help The Evil Dead achieve even greater notoriety. Groovy indeed.

*Cultural reference