Steel Trap

Director: Luis Camara (2007)

Starring: Georgia Mackenzie, Mark Wilson, Pascal Langdale

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

An irritating cross between Die Hard and Saw 2. One New Years' Eve, a disparate gang of bickering bastards meet for a secret party as organised by an unknown source. There are party balloons, nursery rhymes and cake and everything. No booze though, which they should have taken as the first sign to get the fuck outta there. But the piteous fools don't get outta there, and soon find themselves hunted by the party's host - a sinister psychopath wearing sparkly gloves and a metal-looking skull mask.

Steel Trap so wants to be a Saw movie that it's embarrassing. Aside from a few balloons and less cancerous whingeing, it follows the template of a Saw right down to the pig's head and barbed wire. It's a boring film, full of bickering, mediocre performances and a distinct lack of gore. Georgia Mackenzie plays the lead character, a celebrity chef. It's good that she's front and centre, since everyone else is shouty and annoying. Never mind the murder and all the torture, the guest list already makes this the party from hell.

When the revellers weren't arguing and being stupid, I enjoyed some of the kill scenes, the glittery killer and some of the more surreal set designs. The ball gag enthusiast in me coveted the silver piece a character wears at one point.

This aside, Steel Trap is boring, overlong and predictable. Occasional bouts of prettiness can't make up for its lack of imagination, annoying characterisation and rubbish actors. Steel Crap, more like.

A Lonely Place to Die

Director: Julian Gilbey (2011)
Starring: Melissa George, Ed Speleers, Eamonn Walker
Find it: IMDB

Melissa George is an expert mountain climber (no, really) climbing in the Scottish highlands when she and her friends find a little girl abandoned underground in the wilderness. Melissa and her friends rescue the poor dear, unwittingly putting themselves in the sights of the girl's kidnappers. What follows is the plot of Backwoods (that's the largely unseen Gary Oldman/Paddy Considine feature, not the Duff version).

A Lonely Place to Die looks absolutely beautiful, even when Melissa George isn't onscreen. I'm a sucker for some lovely Scottish mountains, and the mountains in this film are very lovely. Even when they're smashing people's heads open, they're lovely. But I suppose A Lovely Place to Die doesn't have the same ring to it.

The mountain climbing and rappelling scenes are reminiscent of Cliffhanger (favourite Stallone movie evarr) whilst the tense forest shootouts and chase scenes have a Deliverance heavy feel. There's even something about The Wicker Man to the film's local Scottish village. It's not a very original movie, but that makes it no less pretty to watch. It could have been Melissa George sitting on the side of a mountain for two hours and I still would have enjoyed this. Heck, I could sit and stare just at Melissa George's grazed knee and be perfectly content.

But it also has the delightfully rat-faced Sean Harris as one of the villains, which gives you yet another reason to watch A Lonely Place to Die. He was great in that music video where his shoes come to life, and he's great in this too. We're spared a horrible child performance in that Anna (Holly Boyd) is practically mute. The action scenes are tense and realistic, making the most of the amazing environment.

It may indeed be a Lonely Place To Die, but when loneliness looks so bloody gorgeous, company is overrated.