L.A. Slasher/Abducted

Director: Martin Owen (2015)
Starring: Mischa Barton (occasionally), Dave Bautista (barely), Eric Roberts (even less)
Find it: IMDB

When his daughter (Barton) is kidnapped by Eastern European gangsters, rogue special forces agent Frank Hardcastle (Bautista) is forced to take matters into his own burly, callused hands, breaking necks and taking names (in that order, which unfortunately hampers his investigation quite a bit). Along with ex-colleague, betrayer and eventual cannon fodder Jesus the Goon (Trejo), Hardcastle sets out along the twisted and bloody road of bodies to Roman Casanova (Eric Roberts) the man - and Vice President of the United States of America! - ultimately responsible. Danger, as the tagline promises, awaits.

Nah, I'm just shitting you. Dave Bautista plays a drug dealer and, with Danny Trejo, is in the movie for less than ten minutes. That's more than some, though: Eric Roberts is in precisely one scene. If you bought the DVD of Abducted, rented Abducted, streamed Abducted, stole Abducted (for shame) or watched anything with Abducted in the title, the joke's on you, because Abducted ain't the movie you're getting.

Straight to DVD action fans will in fact be sorely disappointed by the retitled and remarketed L.A. Slasher, which bears precisely nothing in common with the movie promised by the UK DVD case. Cashing in on the recent popularity of Bautista, of Guardians of the Galaxy and Spectre fame, it promises a Taken rip-off which L.A. Slasher couldn't be any less if it tried. Those who tune in wanting to see Dave Bautista stomp some face will not be happy bunnies.

Oh yeah, this thing is totally the same as the other thing.

There is some danger though, so it's not all lies. Pissed off by an endless parade of talentless dimwits becoming famous for their sex tapes and lack of brains, a serial killer begins kidnapping the reality TV stars of L.A. and broadcasting their murders for our satisfaction. And yet, as his star begins to rise, the slasher threatens to become the thing he hates the most: Internet famous.

Martin Owen's  L.A. Slasher is a lurid, hypnotic cross between Drive and Kill Keith - a truly weird slasher film that transcends its limited budget with style, sass, all-star cameos (within reason) and a soundtrack to die for. Its message is outdated by over ten years, and it's not as funny or clever as it should be, but it is a movie that demands one's attention - not to be hidden under a fake name with a mildly perplexed Dave Bautista on the cover.

On that note, I should probably have wrote more than just a paragraph about it, too. Oops.

The Gallows

Director: Chris Lofing, Travis Cluff (2015)

Starring: Reese Mishler, Pfeifer Brown, Ryan Shoos

Find it: IMDB

Years after a kid dies in a school play related mishap, a drama class decides to take a second shot at the production as some misguided sort of tribute. As if that wasn't a stupid enough idea, the class asshole (classhole?) and his brainless friends decide to break into the school and trash the set. Several locked doors and an angry spirit later and we're in full-on shrieking death mode.

The Gallows is further evidence to my theory that the worst character in a found footage movie is always the guy holding the camera. That's especially true here, with the diabolical dipshit Ryan (Shoos) making up for what he lacks in face time with the worst voice and demeanor this side of a a hyperactive Nickelodeon cartoon character. His chums aren't much better either - particularly not perma-zonked Reese and the rubber-faced Pfeifer.

Not even these numpties can completely ruin the first half though, which at least provides a little mean-spirited amusement (Gallows humour) in throwing a football at a nerd and its effective opening sequence. This is easier to comprehend and deal with than the hoarse screaming bullshit of its predictable second half, which consists mostly of running around in the dark shouting either abuse or each others' names into the night - when it's not taking sneaky shots of Cassidy's sweaty boobs, that is.

For a film with such immediacy at its core, The Gallows is so very drawn out and tiresome. It takes an overplayed found footage cliche (character staring, snotty and terrified directly into camera during a rare moment of silence - then is suddenly dragged off into the darkness) and makes that the whole concept, washed out in ghastly green and red nightvision filters. It's an ugly film, both in its ideas and visuals, and, worst of all, hangs around far too long past its welcome.