...AND NOW FOR SOME REALLY SCARY MOVIES

(Originally published in the October and March issues of the BCU student magazine, much to the distaste of several High School Musical fans)


SEX AND THE CITY

At last, here comes the movie no-one was waiting for, save for women and gay men. Yes, it's Sex and the City. In which four old women (Ugly, Gingy, Slaggy and Hairy) go and have sex, talk about sex and change costumes. A lot.

From what I gathered from the trailer, the one with the chin and the lump is getting married to Mr. Big (she calls him this because of his double chins and belly). The ginger one hasn't shaved downstairs, and the other two don't do much.

It is, however, a really good film. It's like shoe porn (no, not the fetish type). The glittering shoes and dresses make up for the lack of characterisation and zombies. Although, Vivienne Westwood doesn't need to design a dress to make Sarah Jessica Parker look good. Paper bags come really cheap nowadays (admittedly, you'd need a big one to cover her enormous, triangular face). Sorry, did I say it was a good film? No… the other word… fucking awful. If I wanted to see a bunch of old harpies talking about sex, then I'd go down my Nan's social club. But I don't so I won't.

Anyway, it's billed as a comedy of sorts, so we can expect jokes. These include the Ugly One telling a little girl that life isn't like a fairytale and the Slaggy One chastising the Ginger One for having a hairy muff. It's also billed as a drama. The drama comes from it being a wedding, I suppose. I imagine the Ugly One has a dilemma, there's a few revelations, and it all culminates at the altar somehow. Judging from the "you'll always have friends" motif in the trailer, I wouldn't be surprised if the wedding's cancelled, and everything ends exactly as it began. There might even be a sequel or two (because, lets face it – lots of women will watch this movie, whether it's good or not).

The acting's about what you'd expect from a bunch of women who've never done anything notable in their careers. Which is to say it's awful. Sarah Jessica Parker narrates a lot, which is annoying. The Slaggy One does her best William Shatner impression, placing emphasis on words that don't need them. The Ginger One acts all hairy downstairs. And the Dark Haired One opens her mouth really wide (I saw her in a film with Meatloaf, which was infinitely more entertaining than this).

And there you have it. I wouldn't recommend Sex and the City to anyone besides women, who'll watch it whether it's good or not, because they'll be blinded by all the pretty dresses on show, putting the cause of feminism back by a good few years (SHOES EQUALS GOOD MOVIE).

1/5 stars
(Add five if you like shoes)




HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3: SENIOR YEAR

If watching mewling pretty-boys and girls flailing about and falling in love is your cup of tea, then you’ll enjoy High School Musical. All the classic HSM stuff is present and accounted for: lots of faux-angst, uplifting schmaltz and a plenty of Disney cheese. The kids are in their final year now, and what better way to celebrate than put on another High School Musical?!

The acting is horrible, whilst Zac Efron remains eminently vomit-inducing; his face as punchable as ever. Vanessa Bludgeons stands around looking pretty, whilst the blonde siblings give X-Factor’s ‘Same Difference’ a run for their money in terms of creepy-slightly-incestual-double-act stuff.

A terrible piece of Disney trash, then. Unless you go in for that sort of thing, HSM3 will make you hate your own DVD player.

-1000/5 stars

My Bloody Valentine 3D


Director: Patrick Lussier (2009)
Starring: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, Tom Atkins
Find it: IMDB, Amazon

The first slasher remake of 2009 to star a Supernatural brother (the marginally more horrible actor, which isn't saying much) and to be set in a mine, My Bloody Valentine 3D is a remake of a far superior movie that not many people outside of the hardcore horror community will have seen. Mind you, there are no Supernatural brothers and isn't 3D. And we all know that people outside of the hardcore horror community won't watch anything unless it stars at least one Supernatural brother and is in 3D.

After a tragic mining mishap (caused, needless to say, by Jensen fucking Ackles) moody miner Harry Warden goes on a Valentine's Day killing spree, where he gatecrashes a party, murders a bunch of people and traumatises young Tom (Ackles) and his girlfriend, Sarah (Jaime King). Ten years later, Tom’s father is dead and the kid inherits his mine. But once Tom returns to his hometown, the killing starts up again, and he quickly becomes the prime suspect. Is Harry Warden back in town? Has Tom taken up his mantle? Is 3D full-frontal nudity as good as it sounds?*

What makes My Bloody Valentine 3D really stand out from, say, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Halloween remakes is its 3D gimmick. It works really well here, with a vast amount of blood, guts, tinned food and pickaxes being hefted at the screen with gusto (although nothing to better the Lionsgate logo that kicks off the film). It's far more entertaining than Avatar. Which, again, isn't saying much. Every 3D movie I've seen since Avatar is a better movie than Avatar. It is, however, let down by a by-the-numbers story and shoddy acting from Jensen “one facial expression” Ackles, who is steadfast terrible in every concieveable dimension.

In his chic gas mask and pickaxe, the Miner sports a look as iconic as Freddy or Jason. It's a crime that the man never got his own franchise. Despite there not being much or any variety to the kills (all pickaxe, bar maybe one), the killer is impressively menacing, with one scene in the supermarket (its fucking idiotic ‘why-didn’t-they-do-that-before’ denouement aside) being particularly standout in terms of thrills and tension.

My Bloody Valentine tries to inject a bit of mystery into the proceedings; there are three possible killers, all equally plausible. It’s a of bit half-arsed whodunit, but bless ‘em for trying anyway. Kudos must be given, too, for casting B-movie legend Tom Akins as the town’s retired Sheriff. It lends the movie a bit of authenticity and distracts from Jensen fucking Ackles and his stupid deer-in-headlights face.

But arguably the best thing about My Bloody Valentine 3D is the amount of blood, guts and grue on show. Even before the flick’s started properly, there’s been a relative bloodbath (with one particularly nice eyeball popping). And, of course, an honourable mention must go to what is the finest piece of nudity of the year. Sure, Friday the Thirteenth has sex and jubblies too, but MBV has a full frontal 3D nudity. So MBV will appeal to the immature gorehound in all of us. It’s not a good film, by any means - but it is an entertaining one. If you looked up ‘popcorn entertainment’ in the dictionary, then you’d be sure to see a picture of Harry Warden in his miner’s outfit 3D BOOBS.

And why the fuck does your dictionary have pictures in?????


*Maybe, maybe and HELL YES.

Movie Review - Friday the 13th (2009)


Director: Marcus Nispel (2009)
Starring: Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Amanda Righetti, Travis Van Winkle
Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

In the good old days, the Friday the Thirteenth movies had only a few rules: don’t have sex, don’t drink, and don’t do drugs. The 2009 remake adds a new ‘thou shalt not’ to the pantheon. Don’t fuck with Jason’s weed stash.

In the new Friday the Thirteenth, Jason Voorhees seems to be growing his own stash of weed in Crystal Lake. There’s no other explanation as to why cannabis would be growing in the woods. One thing’s for sure… if you touch it, Jason’s gonna fuck you up. Because, as anyone who watched The Tripper will know, backwoods America is full of hillbilly weed.

Anyway, F13 2009 opens with a nifty prologue which sees mamma Voorhees beheaded by the lone survivor of (sort of) the original film. It then skips swiftly onto a second prologue, in which a group of annoying teens are wandering through the woods, seeking out Jason’s cannabis garden. After 20-odd minutes of premarital sex, drinking and drug taking, Jason shows up and kills everyone. And then, finally, the title credit shows up onscreen. Its two prologues out of the way, we’re introduced to a third group of teenagers (those prologues, then, are pretty much a mash-up of the first and second F13 movies – apparently making this a remake of the first three flicks. It’s an interesting approach). These particular teens are heading off to a house party situated near to Camp Crystal Lake. Despite the house belonging to one of the teens, everyone seems pretty clueless about the camp’s existence – and, by proxy, that of Jason.

You’re delivered everything you’d expect from a Friday film. There are copious amounts of nubile, naked flesh, all washed down with lots of blood and gore. The sex, incidentally, is among the most explicit you can expect to see without having to rent a boner-fide (GET IT) titty flick. It’s occasionally surprising that they managed to get this much past the MPAA. The film certainly benefits from it.

The second lot of teenagers, thankfully, are nowhere near as irritating as their predecessors; and one or two can even act worth a damn! Aside from occasional irritations (the black character constantly referring to himself as such gets old fast) they make for good protagonists, and some of them even have a few reasonably funny lines of dialogue.

But you don’t watch a F13 film for the machete-fodder. It’s genuinely good to see Jason back doing what he does best, and even better to see that he’s as mean a motherfucker as ever. This Voorhees is fast and he’s a force of nature; he genuinely looks and feels unstoppable and furious. This Jason is pissed as hell, and he’s a relentless bastard in cutting his victims down to size. He’s not so much retarded here, but more of a savant: an angry, survivalist version of Forrest Gump. He sets traps, lays bait and is expert with a bow and arrow.

That’s not to say everything’s perfect. Jared Padalecki flounders almost as badly as his Supernatural brother did in My Bloody Valentine 3D. He’s the weakest link, with his dumb face and severe lack of acting ability threatening to turn the whole thing into an episode of Supernatural (albeit an actually scary, sexy version of the programme). He’s a mumbling little fuck and you’ll be begging for Jason to shove a machete up his cornhole.

The gore, too, is somewhat lacking. Sure, the violence is amped up and occasionally cringe-inducing, but there’s nothing spectacular on show. It feels as if the film-makers are holding back for the sequel; just waiting to really set Jason loose.

But such grumbles are minor; you’ll have a helluva time with F13, and it really is good to see everyone’s favourite pissed off goalie back on the big screen. Ki-ki-ma-ma indeed.



4/5 screaming Scream Queens!!