Sin City

Director: Robert Rodriguez and Frank Miller (2005)
Starring: Bruce Willis, Jessica Alba, Mickey Rourke
Find it: IMDB

One of the original 'good' comic book movies, coming from a time when most adaptations were Catwoman, Daredevil and Sam Raimi Spider-Men, created when Frank Miller was still a respectable name in comics and before Robert Rodriguez became a parody of himself. With its sequel finally inbound, what better time to pay a return visit to Sin City?

As before, Bruce Willis and Mickey Rourke's stories remain the best, while Clive Owen handles the filler in the middle just fine. It's the sort of movie in which every single man wears a leather trenchcoat, speaks like they've been gargling broken glass and talks... well, just like a Frank Miller character. The women, meanwhile, are either prostitutes, strippers or women of other professions who just so happen to act exactly like prostitutes and strippers. With Clive Owen referring to Rosario Dawson as a 'Valkyrie', hookers dressed like Zorro and half the cast wearing Converse, it's like a fifteen-year old's approximation of 'cool', filtered through Miller, Rodriguez and Quentin Tarantino. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

An exercise in reproducing a comic book as faithfully and literally as possible, Sin City is a resounding success. It's aged surprisingly well, and if The Spirit hadn't so completely stunk, I wouldn't have been surprised to see a whole slew of imitators follow it. Willis and Rourke are fantastic as the honest cop and the honorable thug, respectively, while Owen isn't bad as Dwight (to be played by the altogether better Josh Brolin in the sequel), with a whole host of great performances filling out the ranks. Nick Stahl and Elijah Wood are the best of the bunch, although there's something for everyone, from Rosario Dawson to Jessica Alba, Michael Madsen and Benicio Del Toro, to name a few.

Sin City is unashamedly daft, full of men jumping off rooftops like Batman and explosions which merely blow people over rather than, you know, up. Taken seriously, it's quite terrible and probably a little offensive. Viewed in the spirit (pun unintended - that's not an encouragement to watch Frank Miller's awful movie), it's a gleeful embodiment of Frank Miller's work at its gritty, pulped best.

The Wolverine

Director: James Mangold (2013)
Starring: Hugh Jackman, Tao Okamoto, Rila Fukushima
Find it: IMDB

He's the best he is at what he does. Apart from films. He's not very good at those. Aside from his cameo in First Class, I've not really cared for (the) Wolverine since X-Men 2. There's only so many times you can stick a character with massive claws on his hands in a 12A film before I lose interest and start demanding he stab something. Thankfully, The Wolverine bypasses that particular criticism by being one of the most age inappropriate 12A films I've ever seen.  

Very little blood is shed, but necks are broken willy-nilly, Logan stabs a great many Yakuza, and there's the return of his new catchphrase. No, not 'bub', go fuck yourself. Obviously I couldn't care less about your children, but this should have been 15 rated by a mile. I look forward to a 12A Punisher film in which Frank Castle blasts the hell out of Jigsaw and his men in a manner which is incredibly violent yet suitable for all the family! Just like A Good Day to Die Hard and Taken 2. Thankfully, The Wolverine is far better than either of those films. While still being fairly flawed itself.

Recovering from the events of X-Men 3 (aren't we all) Wolverine is living in a cave, rocking the Old Man Logan look. His only friend a grumpy bear and a hallucinatory Jean Grey (hello again, Famke Janssen) Wolverine is dragged from retirement when an old acquaintance comes calling. No sooner is he off the plane in Japan than he's embroiled in all manner of Yakuza shenanigans and ninja conspiracy. It's like a seventies' Yakuza film, starring Wolverine. Which is no bad thing. It's a far cry from the Frank Miller comics the film was inspired by, but still a lot of fun. Not once does the ol' Canucklehead get down on his knees and scream "noooooo" at the sky (apart from in an iffy poster or two). True, his haircut is horrible and the final twist is predictable, but director James Mangold gets a lot more right than he does wrong. Jackman remains faultless as Wolverine - this might just be his best appearance as the character (First Class not withstanding) yet. And at last we have a Wolverine film which realises the potential of a lead character who can take all manner of abuse before falling down. Logan is exploded, shot, stabbed and filled up full of arrows throughout The Wolverine. There's even a couple of moments during the last act which genuinely made my knuckles ache with sympathy.

Inexplicable photo of the day

The Wolverine is a return to form for one of cinema's (and the comics') most overexposed characters. While it has its fair share of flaws (not the least that haircut) it does make Wolverine a figure to be reckoned with once more. This might just be his most impressive regeneration yet.

All Superheroes Must Die

Director: Jason Trost (2011)

Starring: James Remar, Jason Trost, Sophie Merkley, Lucas Till

Find it: IMDB

A movie I read about on CHUD.com years ago (as far back as 2011) and immediately became obsessed with. It's Saw with superheroes, starring Dexter's own dad, James Remar. Unsurprisingly, it didn't take long for this violent spandex movie called All Superheroes Must Die to become one of my most hotly anticipated in recent years.

Stupidly named and outfitted superhero Charge (Trost) wakes up bloodied and battered in the middle of nowhere, suffering quite the supervillain beatdown hangover and with no clue what's going on. There's an odd wound on his wrist, and his superpowers are gone. After suffering a little display of his captor's power, Charge rejoins his superhero chums, who find themselves stuck in the same situation. A nearby television crackles to life, and supervillain Rickshaw (Remar) begins his monologue. He wants to play a game...

Charge, Cutthroat (Till), Shadow (Merkley) and The Wall (Lee Valmassy) are trapped in a small, deserted town, surrounded by Rickshaw's goons and hostages. Try to escape: the hostages die and the town goes up in smoke. The only way to win out is through a series of challenges; each more dangerous and vicious than the last, with ever increasing stakes. It's like Arkham City, but without Batman's gadgets, elegance or competence. It helps Rickshaw's plan in that Charge and his friends are a bunch of imbeciles who get pretty much every civilian they encounter killed. The Wall is the only one of them with a good superhero name and they all speak like stupid children attempting a Superman impression.

Hi! You might recognise me as the only one having any fun around here.

It's like Kick-Ass crossed with The Running Man, with James Remar in the overacting Nicolas Cage/Jesse Ventura role. Seeing as only one of the youths is any good (that'll be Merkley) it's good that Remar is there to distract from all of the sullen sub-Spider-man "power and responsibility" type posturing. He's given disappointingly little to do, but he has a nice cravat and seems to be enjoying himself.

The rest of the film fails to live up to most of those expectations I built up reading about it on CHUD and various news websites over the years. Much of that is probably my fault, but it's effectively a Saw rip-off with people in crap superhero costumes instead of arrogant doctors and overly obsessed police officers. With its hard violence, unlikeable characters and cynical attitude towards superheroism, it could have been a Mark Millar adaptation.

And no-one wants that*

But for all of its flaws, All Superheroes Must Die is an enjoyable action romp, with an engaging story and very interesting concept. It could have been so much better, but as far as low-budget DVD releases go, it's a cut above most. It's certainly better than bloody zombies or Hillbillies again.

*Except for Mark Millar

Batman: Year One

Director: Sam Liu, Lauren Montgomery (2011)

Starring: Bryan Cranston, Ben McKenzie, Eliza Dushku

Find it: IMDB

They really should have called it Jim Gordon: Year One. Batman Begins all over again in this adaptation of Frank Miller's comic book of the same name. I didn't particularly need to see yet another retelling of the tale of Batman's formative years, but Frank Miller's is pretty much the definitive version, so why not.

Mostly though, it's about honest cop James Gordon and his arrival in a city full of bent coppers, criminals and scumbags. You might not ever see his face, but Bryan Cranston delivers a perfect Commissioner Gordon performance. I had thought that Gary Oldman was good in the Dark Knight films, but Cranston blows that out of the water. When they inevitably get around to rebooting live-action Batman, they had better cast Cranston as Gordon. Also: piss off, I don't want to watch a John Blake Batman film.

Full disclosure: I am one of those twattocks who goes on about how good Breaking Bad is all the time. I fucking love Breaking Bad. Who would have thought that Malcolm in the Middle's Dad would turn out to be one of my favourite actors ever? (more full disclosure: me). He sounds exactly as I've always imagined Jim Gordon would sound. Fullest disclosure: Total Recall is still shit though, and Cranston is shit in it too.

What with Gary Oldman and Bryan Cranston, it's nice to see Commissioner Gordon get his dues. I love Tim Burton's Batman films as much (more) as any child of the 80s, but fuck Pat Hingle and his comedy incompetence.  Ben McKenzie's Batman sounds too young for my liking, but even the Dark Knight gotta star somewhere, eh? The animation is very nice - quite similar to David Mazzucchelli's artwork, from the comic book itself.

The biggest problem the film has is with its own redundancy. A lot of this material was covered in Batman Begins. Still, it does have that bit in which Batman punches a bent cop through a wall for shooting at a cat. For that alone, Year One is well worth a punt.

The Dark Knight Returns: Part I

Director: Jay Olivia (2012)

Starring: Peter Weller, Ariel Winter, David Selby

Find it: IMDB

The best Batman movie of the year. There's a reason I haven't gotten around to reviewing The Dark Knight Rises yet, and that reason has something to do with Christopher Nolan's trilogy topper leaving me profoundly disappointed. The Dark Knight Rises is an okay comic book slash action movie, I suppose, but it's a sucky Batman film. In Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy, The Batman has now spent more time retired than he has fighting crime. The Dark Knight's career effectively consists of him beating up some criminals, toppling a gangster, defeating the Joker and getting his girlfriend killed. Also, taking the credit for Two-Face's death. Still, I liked Bane, and the bit with the football field was good.

But wait, this is a review of The Dark Knight Returns, not that other thing. Batman (Weller) is retired again - although in this instance, he does deserve a bit of a rest after a good few years of crime-fighting. Jason Todd is dead, Dick Grayson estranged, and the city is overrun by a gang of criminals calling themselves 'The Mutants'. Bored and still harbouring serious anger management issues, Batman Returns to sort his city out. First on his to-do list: the re-emergence of Two-Face and the hiring of a new Robin.

The Dark Knight Returns made me feel exactly how I wanted The Dark Knight Rises to make me feel. I genuinely had chills run down my spine during the "operating table" line, as well as during Bats' initial return. He might look disconcertingly like an angry version of his Brave and the Bold self here, but this Batman is properly scary. Not since Batman Begins have we seen Batman really terrorise the fuck out of some unsuspecting criminals. This adaptation of Frank Miller's comic book is almost entirely faithful, save for a few wisely chosen moments which make Batman less of a dickhead. Namely the scene from the book, in which Batman uses a criminal's massive machine gun to blow the bastard away - this adaptation has him simply conk the bad guy on the head with it, which feels more consistent with the Batman we know and love.

Except for maybe this one.

  

As with the other recent DC animated movies, it looks geat; very similar to Miller's artwork, except without the crap panels and occasionally dodgy anatomy. The voice acting isn't bad, although David Selby's Commissioner Gordon sounds a tad too old and doddery. There will always be those who say that Batman should be voiced by Kevin Conroy and no-one else, but I liked Peter Weller's crusty, understated version. The music is ace too, with a nice booming synth score which makes The Dark Knight Returns sound like an 80s action film.

Frank Miller may have gone off the rails recently, but this work remains as good as ever. I watched this as part of a double bill with Year One, and enjoyed both tremendously. Nobody does fascism fetishism like 80s' Frank Miller. I may never get an All-Star Batman and Robin adaptation (starring Charlie Sheen as the goddamn Batman) but The Dark Knight Returns (Part 1) will do quite nicely instead. 

The best Batman movie of 2012.    

Dredd

Director: Pete Travis (2012)
Starring: Karl Urban, Olivia Thirlby, Lena Heady
Find it: IMDB

Following the colourful, cartoonish mid-nineties Sylvester Stallone adaptation, Judge Dredd has gone all urban. Karl Urban, geddit. But also, grimmer, grittier and very dirty. It's a more realistic Mega City One than we've seen before, perhaps thanks to the film's relatively low budget. Glimpses of the future we recognise from the pages of 2000ad are there all right, but they're buried amongst battered vehicles and dirty architecture of our time - an uncomfortable mesh of the old and the new. All that stands between Mega City One and total chaos is the Judges - an elite force with the power to dispense instant justice. If Dredd is anything to go by, they massively favour the death sentence.

Very best of the Judges is Joe Dredd (Urban) - a jobsworth fascist who makes Dirty Harry look positively sparkling clean by comparison. Dredd has captured the essence of Dredd beautifully; he speaks in monotone, never once smiles and certainly doesn't take off his helmet. The uniform is very different (although it did put me in mind of Dredd's earlier appearances in 2000ad) and the helmet looks a bit too big, but this is Judge Dredd as I'd always imagined seeing him on the big screen. Urban thankfully resists the urge to go Full Christian Bale with the voice, which is gravelly but restrained.

In a plot which is like Training Day meets Die Hard, Dredd takes rookie Judge Anderson (Thirlby) on a routine training mission in the Big Meg. There, they are called to investigate a multiple homicide at Peach Trees block. At Peach Trees, they run afoul of gang lord (gang lady?) Ma-Ma Madrigal (Headey), Avon Barksdale from off've The Wire and a whole lot of heavily armed perps. Yes, it's like The Raid, except with Judge Dredd.

That growing feeling of intense disappointment I had while watching The Dark Knight Rises? Dredd was the complete opposite of that. I loved every single moment of it. Even the 3D, and I despise watching movies in 3D. It actually works very well in Dredd (I'm still not calling it Dredd 3D) particularly during the drug-induced Slow-Mo scenes. The action is intense, violent and incredibly gory. Heady's Ma-Ma is quietly menacing, Thirlby is adorably sympathetic as Anderson and Urban is an admirably terse Dredd.

There are, of course, criticisms. I'm a big Dredd fanboy, so some changes to the source material hurt more than others. The costume makes sense, but I'm not sure about the use of our modern vehicles on Mega City's roads. The action being largely set in Peach Trees makes for an incredibly tense movie, but I would also have liked to see more of the Big Meg. My biggest problem however, is with the language. I love fucking swearing as much as the next twat, but in Dredd, I thought it excessive. Dredd comics, see, come with their own profanisaurus, and I would have much preferred to see the characters shouting things like 'Drokk' and 'Grud' rather than boring old 'fuck' and 'shit'. It makes it seem grittier, but a 'Stomm' or two wouldn't have hurt. Likewise, it could maybe have used a little more humour and satire amongst all the bloodshed.

Dredd is a fantastic, mostly faithful adaptation of a series that really deserves the exposure. Despite some stiff competition, Dredd might be my favourite comic book adaptation of the year. Grud, it's good. 

Judge Dredd

No, he isn't.

Director: Danny Cannon (1995)

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Armand Assante, Rob Schneider

Find it: IMDB

With the reportedly not-bad Karl Urban chinned Dredd imminent, Sly Stallone's infamous 1995 adaptation no longer stings quite so much. It's still a stinky hunk of dystopian dung, but like Batman & Robin in the wake of Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, it feels a little more harmless now. Danny Cannon's Judge Dredd makes perhaps the biggest mistake a comic book movie can - it makes the thing less about the character and more a star vehicle. In this case, the star is Sylvester Stallone and the vehicle is a Lawmaster with a pissy seat.

Despite having the body and chin for the job, Stallone couldn't be more wrong for the role of Judge Joseph Dredd. He spends a total of ten minutes wearing the (fibreglass) helmet. Comic book Dredd has spent nearly 40 years wearing it, and we've still not seen his face. Not that it really matters in this case. Stallone in the helmet looks like Sylvester Stallone in a helmet. We all know what Sylvester Stallone looks like. 

In the year 2139, what remains of the world has been split up into 'Mega Cities', which are ruled by fascistic "Judges" - tough guys with the authoritah to arrest or execute criminals on the spot. Judge, Jury and Executioner as it were. Judge Dredd (Stallone) is the very best of the Judges. He establishes his dominance by saying things like "I am the law", which is fine, and "I knew you were gonna say that," which is not fine. Judge Dredd has more catchphrases than Little Britain, none of which are in any way amusing. As mumbled by Stallone, he sounds more like Marion Cobretti in a stupid fibreglass helmet than Judge Dredd.

As if the bastardisation of Dredd himself wasn't enough, Rob Schneider and Diane Lane are on hand as comic relief and love interest, respectively. Lane does okay as Judge Hershey (although someone a little stronger might have been better, such as Sigourney Weaver) but there's no excusing Rob Schneider. I'm a massive Rob Schneider apologist (I actually love his Big Stan) but his pissing all over the back seat of Judge Dredd's (flying) bike is indefensible. 

Armand Assante does better as clone brother Rico Dredd (who doesn't look like Dredd or Fargo, the man they are both clones of) but isn't given much to work with. It's standard villain fare, and the finale is more than a little reminiscent of Stallone's own Demolition Man. Despite the silliness, some of the characters do actually look the part - particularly the Angel Gang (one of whom is Hershel from off've The Walking Dead) and ABC Warriors' Hammerstein. The Angel Gang sequence is actually pretty good, even if it is disappointing that they don't eat Schneider. Hammerstein looks good but lacks any personality whatsoever. Which is a pretty accurate summary of the rest of the film, actually. Mega City One looks great; exactly as I'd imagined it reading the comics. It's very Blade Runner influenced, but that's no bad thing. Likewise, the opening bit is a lot of fun and a solid introduction to the character. Unfortunately, it's all spoiled as soon as Judge Dredd takes off the helmet.

Judge Dredd is an awful film, a missed opportunity and terrible waste of the character. Thankfully, this year's reboot looks to undo at least some of that hurt. With that in mind, maybe we can enjoy Judge Dredd on another level or two, like Batman & Robin or Daredevil. Ironically enjoyable? I knew you were gonna say that.

Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance

Director: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor (2011)
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Idris Elba, Ciaran Hinds, Johnny Whitworth
Find it: IMDB

Of all the ways 2007's Ghost Rider managed to disappoint, it was in casting Nicolas Cage as a man whose head caught fire all the time that was the biggest disappointment of all. Not because Cage is an inherently bad Johnny Blaze (although he probably is) but mostly because not once did Ghost Rider realise the potential of Nic Cage playing a character whose head catches fire all the time. In Spirit Of Vengeance, not only does Nicolas Cage's head catch fire all the time, but sometimes he shouts things too. HE'S SCRATCHING AT THE DOOR, hothead Cage yells, channelling a spirit not seen since NOT THE BEES or that one movie where he threatens to shoot an old lady for eyeballing his Iguana.


Spirit Of Vengeance is directed by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, who brought us two of my favourite action movies of recent years - the mental Crank films. Spirit Of Vengeance never approaches the craziness of that Statham silliness, but it does have Ghost Rider using his flaming urine as a flamethrower and vomiting hot bullets into an enemy's face.

Set in Eastern Europe, this sort-of-sequel sees Nicolas Cage attempting to hold back the demons within when he is approached by Moreau (Elba) with a tempting proposition: in exchange for finding and protecting a magical macguffin child, he will exorcise Blaze's inner demon. However, the boy is only the bloody antichrist (maybe) and is also pursued by the devil (wearing Ciaran Hinds's body) and an angry gangster with all the powers of 2000ad's Judge Mortis. Not advertised: Giles from Buffy, Idris Elba's atrocious and occasional Irish accent, and Christopher Lambert (!) with scribbles on his face. I was inordinately excited at seeing Christopher Lambert return to the big screen, because Christopher Lambert is awesome.

It's probably good that I'm no Ghost Rider fan, since this film doesn't take the character remotely seriously. Nicolas Cage is essentially playing mad Nicolas Cage - complete with inappropriate screaming, weird bodily tics and terrible hair. As Ghost Rider, the CGI is awful (his flaming head doesn't seem to be connected to his body) but the action scenes have a wonderful punky vibe to them. The extra violence adds an element sorely missing from the previous film, as does all the screaming heavy metal and Nicolas Cage's constant gurning (depending on one's tolerance for Nicolas Cage screaming and gurning). The presence of Idris Elba and Ciaran Hinds should make Spirit Of Vengeance seem classy and worthy, but they actually have the opposite effect.

It's similar in tone and style to Cage's Drive Angry, but somehow less fun. Ghost Rider himself isn't in the film enough (is there a rule that all superhero sequels should have the hero quit at some point?) and the story is utter tosh. Still, it does have Nicolas Cage doing what he does best:

Pulling that face.

The Avengers

Director: Joss Whedon (2012)
Starring: Robert Downey Jr, Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth
Find it: IMDB

Here in the UK by some trickery of Loki, The Avengers goes by another, much stupider name. I suppose Marvel wanted to disassociate this film with its 1998 incarnation. So ashamed are the studio of that Uma Thurman slash Ralph Fiennes bomb that even the character names have been changed for Joss Whedon's reboot. They're still fairly recognisable though: Scarlett Johansson can go around calling herself Black Widow all she wants, she's definitely playing the Emma Peel part. And jolly well she does it too. The role of Steed is vastly reduced, but Clark Gregg brings charm and stoicism to the character. Not an umbrella though, which is disappointing. 

Peel and Steed are minor characters though, compared to The Avengers' newest recruits. There's Iron Man (Downey Jr) who has a smart mouth and flies around in an iPod suit listening to Black Sabbath. Thor (Hemsworth) is a Norse God with a massive hammer and great designer stubble. Captain America (Evans) is a man out of time; a relic from World War II, he dresses like your granddad and calls ladies "ma'am". You reportedly wouldn't like Bruce Banner (Ruffalo) when he's angry, although his Hulk gets the funniest moments in the film. And Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) has a bow and arrow. When Asgardian asshole Loki (Tom Hiddleston) threatens to take over the world, the Avengers must assemble to protect all humanity.   

Unless The Dark Knight Rises or Prometheus pull something pretty damn fantastic out of their respective bags, The Avengers is going to be my favourite film of 2012. It could never have matched my ridiculously high expectations, but it comes very, very close. As Thor and Iron Man began knocking lumps out of one another ("doth mother know you weareth her drapes?") I was giggling like a girl. And then, again, as Thor punched the Hulk in the face. Come the finale, I was beginning to know what multiple orgasm feels like.  

It's an imperfect epic: the plot is silly and a little saggy. Samuel L Jackson does nothing for me as Fury (I still dream of Clint Eastwood). I really wanted to see the whole team have to fight Hulk, not just Thor. Captain America feels like a guest star rather than one of the big hitters - and his costume looks awful. But it's just too spectacular for my nerdy soul to not wholeheartedly love. I hadn't thought much of Loki in Thor, but in The Avengers he feels like a genuine threat. And a foul-mouthed one, too. Its apocalyptic endgame is similar to that of Transformers: Dark of the Moon but in emphasising character over thrills and spills, it feels very different. If it's fun watching the Avengers fight amongst themselves (in a series of battles that feel very Marvel vs Capcom) it's fullt incredible to see them put aside their differences to become team-mates.

With The Avengers, Marvel may just have punched themselves into a mighty deep hole. The individual characters' sequels are soon to follow, but I don't know how satisfied I can be with just Captain America on his own, Thor riding solo or Tony Stark without his fellow Avengers to riff off've. With this wrapped and The Dark Knight Rises on the horizon, I really don't envy the next batch of superhero flicks.  

   

Green Lantern

Director: Martin Campbell (2011)

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Peter Sarsgaard, Blake Lively, Mark Strong

Find it: IMDB

After being pleasantly surprised by his performance in Buried, I had started to worry that hunky aftershave salesman Ryan Reynolds might be a little too charismatic to play rube superhero Hal Jordan in Green Lantern. Rest assured cynical me, Ryan Reynolds is every bit as dull and uninteresting as comic book Hal Jordan in this adaptation.

After getting his ass kicked by a yellow fear monster, intergalactic space cop Abin Sur crash lands on Earth and proceeds to die all over cocky test pilot (is there any other kind?) Hal Jordan (Reynolds). With his dying breath, Abin Sur passes on his power ring to Jordan and informs him that he too must become a space cop. The other aliens take an instant dislike to Hal, because all aliens instantly regard humans as stupid and useless. To be fair, this movie almost starred Jack Black. I can picture a version of Green Lantern in which Jack Black creates a giant set of arse cheeks to fart green gas all over Sinestro, before conjuring up a guitar and teaching the uptight Lanterns how to 'rock'.

Under the tutorship of purple-headed grump Sinestro (Strong) and a giant with a name that sounds vaguely like a racial slur, Jordan trains to become a Green Lantern. In a thoroughly obvious character arc, Hal decides that superheroism is too much responsibility for the likes of him, and heads off back to Earth. He lasts precisely ten minutes before Hector Hammond (Sarsgaard) shoots a helicopter out of the sky with mind bullets. Eventually Hal Jordan saves the day because of course he does.

Ryan Reynolds is the perfect Hal Jordan. I can totally see this Hal Jordan getting his rube butt kicked in All-Star Batman & Robin. There are a few stupid jokes and wisecracks, but Reynolds is suitably charmless. The costume looks ridiculous, particularly the mask. It's a worse superhero costume than even Captain America's. And with hair as distinctive as Ryan Reynolds', it's utterly crap for keeping an identity secret.

Still, the film is enjoyable in the same goofy kind of way as The Fantastic 4 (hey, I enjoyed it) and boasts some fun action sequences. Peter Sarsgaard, Mark Strong and Tim Robbins bring a little gravitas to what is essentially Van Wilder: Green Lantern Liaison. Is Ryan Reynolds doomed never to have his own comic book franchise?

V For Vendetta

Director: James McTeigue (2006)

Starring: Hugo Weaving, Natalie Portman, John Hurt, Stephen Rea

Find it: IMDB

Vivacious video violence in this otherwise vaguely vapid adaptation of the venerable Alan Moore's V For Vendetta. It's a more faithful retelling than I'd initially remembered, and is far better than the execrable League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen, but feels too polished and slick to do justice to the source material.

Hugo Weaving is V For Vendetta, which seems like a rather clunky name for a superhero to me. Unlike Batman or Spider-Man, V For Vendetta is all about bringing down the government. Which is why he wears a Guy Fawkes mask, referencing the cheeky chappy who sought to blow up parliament in 1605. Witty people will do that joke about him being "the only person ever to enter parliament with honest intentions." LOL, mass murder. Those same witty people can currently be seen occupying Wall Street and London and Birmingham, wearing plastic V For Vendetta masks. Mass produced masks, made in China. Based from off've a hit film. Which they bought legally. From a shop. Way to stick it to the man, dudes.

V For happens across Evey (Portman) who is out after curfew, being hassled by government officials. After speaking alliterative nonsense at them, Vendetta attacks them with his knives and a hand that falls off. He blows up Big Ben and a friendship forms between the two. It's like Spider-man and Mary Jane, except Vendetta kidnaps Evey, shaves all her hair off and subjects her to the sort of thing you'd expect to see in 24 or Martyrs, before they start the peeling. It's like the most horrible scenes in 1984 or Brazil, except the hero is the one doing all of the horrible things. To be fair, V For is the hero that London deserves, not the one it needs.

The Tories The Norsefire party are running England, led by Adam Sutler (Hurt). V For Vendetta was written by Moore as a response to the government of the 1980s. It's no less relevant now (although Sutler is more classically evil than our Dave Cameron's plastic-faced brand of insidiousness). But it really doesn't translate that well to film. V For's mask is inexpressive (unless you like constant smug), like The Green Goblin in Spider-Man. Weaving is a great actor, but his voice is as smug as the mask looks. Everything else is too shiny, looking like a regular action/superhero film when it should be anything but. Stephen Fry is impossible to take seriously. Meanwhile, John Hurt turns his Sutler into a pantomime performance. Only Stephen Rea pulls it off, playing shabby copper Finch.

V For Vendetta is a fine film but a better comic book. This adaptation is prescient, relevant and clever. It's quite moving too; not hard to see why it would appeal to would-be protesters and rebels. It makes a nice change from hippies going around wearing Che Guevara t-shirts, but fuck me do those masks look smug. Whenever I see someone wearing a V For Vendetta mask, I don't think "ooh, look at that rebellious rebel," I think, "what a cock. I hope he doesn't try to talk to me." I'm allowed to say that, because I actually own a V For Vendetta mask. I write my smuggest reviews whilst wearing that mask. I'm wearing it now. The movie has ruined that beautiful bit of imagery and actually diminished V's power. V is not supposed to be Batman or Superman; V is a symbol, not a superhero. Knowing that V speaks like Hugo Weaving with a stick up his bottom has left me feeling as I did when I first discovered what a vagina actually looks like. Some comic books defy adaptation. Protesters, I beg of you: dress up as Green Arrow instead. He totally would have dug your cause.

Remember, remember, the fifth of November. But preferably, do it whilst reading the book and not watching this film. Definitely don't do either whilst wearing that horrible plastic mask.

20. Catwoman

Director: Pitof (2004)

Starring: Halle Berry, Sharon Stone, Benjamin Bratt

Find it: IMDB

Mild-mannered graphic designer Patience Philips (Berry) finds herself embroiled in the midst of a corporate conspiracy and is murdered. But not even by Christopher Walken, who at least knew how to murder in style. Nobody in Catwoman does anything in style, which is odd, considering that over half of the characters are supposed to be involved in the fashion industry. Patience is killed and then resurrected by cats, who endow her with super cat powers. Indeed. Looks to me like somebody decided to bypass reading any Batman comics and instead take Tim Burton's stupid Catwoman 'resurrection' as an actual thing that could actually happen. Myself, I prefer to take Batman Returns' Catwoman origin story with a grain of salt. She just banged her head and went a bit mad. She doesn't have nine lives, she's just a bit resilient. If anyone can survive falling out of a window, it's Michelle Pfeiffer. Halle Berry looks like she'd have trouble opening a door.

Resurrected with her super powers, Patience reinvents herself as Catwoman and sets about trashing some guy's house just because he won't turn the music down. Then, wearing a truly ridiculous costume, she foils a robbery in progress and goes around doing dodgy CGI over ceilings.

Daredevil breathe easy, you no longer have the stupidest flirt-fight (or flirticuffs, as I refer to it whenever I randomly start attacking women in playgrounds). Daredevil had its blind lawyer battling Elektra whilst jumping about on playground equipment. Catwoman does exactly the same thing with a basketball game and a hot cop (Bratt). Meanwhile, Catwoman's fat comedy friend (see also: Jon Favreau in Daredevil) is hospitalised by toxic beauty products. This signals the coming of the plot, which somehow involves Patience's boss and Sharon Stone.

Even aside from the fact that Catwoman has nothing to do with anything, it's a terrible movie. Maybe even worse than Batman & Robin. Halle Berry isn't all that awful though. She's as good as Uma Thurman managed to be as Poison Ivy, which is to say that her being shit is mostly the film's fault. Benjamin Bratt is likeable, whilst Sharon Stone is amusingly bad. Unlike everything else. Which is just bad. Cat-astrophically bad.

19. Justice League of America

Director: Felix Enriquez Alcala (1997)

Starring: Matthew Settle, Kimberly Oja, David Ogden Stiers

Find it: IMDB

A superhero movie that even my fourteen-year-old self thought was shit. Well done Batman & Robin, yours is not entirely the worst superhero film of 1997. I mean, it probably still is, but The Justice League Of America is solid competition.

This is a Justice League without Batman, Superman or Wonder Woman. Its most recogniseable heavy hitters are Green Lantern, Flash, Atom and Martian Manhunter. Which, to be fair, isn't all that bad as far as line-ups go. Of course, every team needs a few to make up the numbers (hello Hawkeye and Black Widow) so the big guys are joined by Fire and Ice. They must have run out of DC heroes for their Justice League and had to make up a couple of their own. The League joins forces to defeat a mad scientist who has himself a weather manipulation machine which he's using to hold the world to ransom. Or something. All I know is that dipshit calling himself Green Lantern is not Guy Gardner. The Green Lantern of Justice League has Guy Gardner's name and costume but Hal Jordan's personality. Which is to say that he's perfectly bland, like everyone else in Justice League.

The Manhunter, meanwhile, appears in only a few shadow-bound scenes and then disappears. At least he's green, which is more than we can say for Green Lantern's costume. It's like an episode of Smallville, down to the cheap rubber costumes. Forget Batman and Superman, this is an iteration of the Justice League which even Aquaman wouldn't join. Little wonder Manhunter didn't want to stick around. Any superhero movie which has a supervillain whose grand plot is to control the weather, as a rule of thumb, is not a good one. Even Bond villains are ashamed to go there.

To expect too much from Justice League is perhaps a little unfair - it's not actually a real movie, rather a TV pilot for a series that didn't happen. Going on this, that's probably a good thing.

Super

Director: James Gunn (2011)

Starring: Rainn Wilson, Ellen Page, Liv Tyler, Kevin Bacon

Find it: IMDB

If there's one thing us people who review movies like, it's films where the title describes the piece itself. Like Kick-Ass, The Forgotten and now Super. The word super is a very good word to describe the film Super, which is like Kick-Ass if Kick-Ass hadn't gone all high-octane in the final act. It's how I'd like a Dark Knight Returns adaptation how to go; taking the mentally tortured aspect of the superhero, and running with it to a crescendo of really unsettling ultra violence. Super eventually goes over the top, but in a completely different way to Kick-Ass.

When Frank D'Arbo's (Wilson) wife (Tyler) leaves him for a sleazy drug dealer (Bacon), the poor fellow begins to come apart at the seams. God (Rob Zombie) and Nathan Fillion appear to him in a vision and tell him to go fight some crime. Frank agrees, reinventing himself as The Crimson Bolt, and attacking criminals with a wrench. All the time shouting things like "don't molest kids!" and "shut up crime!" (my two favourite bits of screenwriting since "Hobo stops begging. Demands change"). Frank is joined on his journey by the diminutive Libby (Page) who ingratiates herself as his sidekick, Boltie. But with Frank gradually unravelling more and more, how much longer can the duo continue before something really bad happens?

James Gunn will be familiar to fellow horrorheads as the director of the lovely Slither. A few of Slither's cast show up in minor roles for Super, including Nathan Fillion and Michael Rooker. The violence and foulmouthed inventiveness of that movie returns in Super, with more than enough gore and bludgeonings to satisfy impatient gorehounds. Even without the impressive levels of grue, it's plenty subversive, dark, troubling and funny. Touching too, and perverse. Watchmen is no longer the most gross movie where heroes have sex with their costumes on.

Inevitably, Frank and the filmmakers lose interest in beating up street scum and send The Crimson Bolt & Boltie after Kevin Bacon and his thugs. Like a great many genre bend before it, the jokes fall to the wayside and the explosions take over. But unlike the likes of Kick-Ass, it doesn't feel at all disingenuous and is in keeping with everything that's come before.

I loved Super. It's, well, Super.

Thor

Director: Kenneth Branagh (2011)

Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston

Find it: IMDB

Shakespearian luvvie and sometime Wallander Kenneth Branagh directs a movie about a Norse God that stars fellow luvvie Sir Anthony Hopkins and features lengthy segues into Asgard and kingdoms asunder. And yet Thor is entirely enjoyable and about as far from po-faced as one can get. Fears of a repeat of the Ang Lee Hulk debacle go unfounded as Thor turns out to be the most fun superhero film since the first Iron Man*. And unlike the sequel to that movie, it manages not to feel like an elaborate Avengers trailer and more like a proper film in its own right.

Hunky but arrogant God of Thunder (well, sort of) Thor (Hemsworth) is banished from Asgard following a disagreement with father Odin (Anthony Hopkins). He crash lands in modern day New Mexico, only to be promptly run over by Natalie Portman's scientist. Poor chap is made mortal and unable to lift his own hammer, which gathers much attention from government officials (led by Iron Man 2's SHIELD agent). Back in Asgard, brother Loki (Hiddleston) is causing all sorts of evil and just generally fucking about the place. On Earth, there's much fish-out-of-water comedy, a giant fuckoff robot and Natalie Portman being cute in a caravan. Since it's set in the same universe, I'm not sure why Iron Man wasn't sent in to deal with stuff, but hey, someone says his name. Squee.

Also, The Punisher himself, Ray Stevenson is in this movie. He has to wear a fat suit (or fat armour), but I like Ray Stevenson. I like that the Warriors Three and Sif are in this movie. I love Kat Dennings. I like Stellan Skarsgard. I like Idris Elba. And I like Chris Hemsworth and I like Natalie Portman and I like Thor. Never did I think I'd see the day Kenneth Branagh directed a movie about a pumped God hitting things with a hammer, but I'm glad I have and I'm glad that Kenneth did too.

The movie skips between New Mexico and Asgard at regular intervals, but neither universe is boring and I enjoyed the contrast between our rubbish Earth and the Lord Of The Rings-esque stuff on Asgard and the ice planet. Thor's designs are very reminiscent of Jack Kirby work and are a lot less goofy than you might imagine. It's an impressive achievement that the Asgard stuff largely works. Everyone looks a bit silly, but it's acknowledged by the movie and offset with the Earthly realism of other scenes. Oh, and there's the requisite cameo from Stan Lee.

Thor is a blast. It has its issues, sure: Thor looks mighty silly whenever he swings with his hammer or, uh, flies. Loki is a pretty crappy villain. There's not enough of Thor hitting things. The 3D is unremarkable. But that aside, I loved it. Marvellous.

*No. The Dark Knight is a lot of things, but fun is not really one of them.

The Liam Neeson fanclub presents: DARKMAN

Director: Sam Raimi (1990)

Starring: Liam Neeson, Frances McDormand, Larry Drake

Find it: IMDB, Amazon, The Liam Neeson fanclub

What has Darkman to do with St. Patrick's Day, you ask? Well, gentle idiot, look no further than its leading man - a Mister Liam Neeson. You don't get much more Irish than Liam Neeson. A man so awesome he has this Tripod fanpage dedicated to his awesomeness, Neeson can these days be found badassing his way through such actioners as The A-Team, Unknown, Crash Of The Titans and that xenophobic one where he beats up half of France.

Such a massive loss :-(

There seems to be a lot of surprise at Neeson's rebirth as Mr. Action, but I'm not sure why. Neeson's badassery is hardly unprecedented. Never mind his roles in The Phantom Menace and Rob Roy (in which he played , um, a Scotsman), Neeson's awesomeness was cemented for me by the first time I saw Darkman.

Massive Sam Raimi fan that I am (even Disco Peter Parker gets teh LOLs), Darkman was my first experience of the director's work. It's his third best piece, and one of my favourite superhero movies of all time. Neeson plays Doctor Peyton Westlake, a scientist hard at work at the invention of a fully functional but laboratory-constructed skin. Just as he seems to be making a breakthrough, Westlake runs afoul of gangster Durant (Drake), who destroys his work, kills his assistant, blows up his lab and leaves Westlake for dead. Completely disfigured, Westlake becomes Darkman; a cross between The Burning's Cropsy and a really pissed off Batman. He uses his fake skin thing to create a variety of masks and disguises for himself, but the stuff can only last a few hours at a time before it melts. Oh, and a biproduct of his disfigurement leaves him unable to feel pain and liable to get really really pissed off with things.

Talking of teh LOLs...

Can Westlake rescue his love life and get revenge on the thugs what wronged him? And will there be a cameo from Bruce Campbell? All these questions and more are answered in Darkman. The movie is Sam Raimi on a form he wouldn't recover until Drag Me To Hell. There's black humour, ultraviolence and his brother Ted. Liam Neeson is brilliant as the conflicted hero, the underrated Frances McDormand makes for a sympathetic girlfriend and Larry Drake is reliably slimy as villain Durant. The action is extremely well done and the special effects do a wonderful job with Darkman and his shonky face.

Darkman is brilliant. There's a fight with a helicopter and Larry Drake cuts people's fingers off with a cigar cutter. Liam Neeson has a Nicolas Cage moment with a stuffed toy. There's plenty of Raimi's usual camera trickery. Darkman is a great film. Also great:

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT!!!

I can't say I'd ever thought about Liam Neeson's virginity. But now that you mention it... Also, I resent that jibe at the Irish. Also, do any jokes actually exist about fishing or acting? I'd definitely recommend visiting the Liam Neeson fan club. But not all at once, because you'll probably crash it. The joys of Tripod. The below score applies both to Darkman and The Liam Neeson Fan Club.

The Green Hornet

Director: Michel Gondry (2011)

Starring: Seth Rogen, Jay Chou, Christoph Waltz, Cameron Diaz
Find it: IMDB

Not the unmitigated disaster that its troubled production history would have one imagine, The Green Hornet is like Pineapple Express filtered through Kick-Ass and Rush Hour. It stars Seth Rogen as Britt Reid, a rich playboy who, in a bid to make something of his life, becomes vigilante. Enter The Green Hornet. It's a good job that he has Kato (Chou) on his side, since Rogen is more useless here than he's ever been. He tones down the Rogenisms somewhat, but is still essentially playing, well, Seth Rogen. Reid thinks that he's the big cheese, but really it's Kato doing all of the hard work. The Green Hornet is a buddy comedy in which one of the buddies actually despises the other and the hero is really, really useless.

Despite Rogen and Chou's affability and charisma (Chou is stilted, but it works), the movie is essentially owned by Christoph Waltz's bad guy, Chudnofsky. It's a loony role literally written for Nicolas Cage, but Waltz fills it with his inimitable sense of palpable menace and actorly gravitas. Neurotic and suffering a midlife crisis, Chudnofsky isn't the dime-a-dozen gangster villain he easily could have been and is as fun to watch as Jack Nicholson's Joker.

A fun cameo at the start of the movie sets up Chudnofsky and the rest of things to come. Chubby Edward Furlong pops up for about five minutes. A "gay fart gun" gets a few good laughs, the phrase "disco Santa Claus" gets a good airing, and there's the funniest fight scene since Pineapple Express.

But. It's a bloated movie. Gondry's direction lacks its usual flare. Cameron Diaz's presence is inexplicable, since she does nothing. She's like Iron Man's Pepper Potts, only shorn of Gwyneth Paltrow's odd likeability in the role. She compares unfavourably to Gwyneth Paltrow, which says it all really. It takes too long to finish, with one Lord Of The Rings wrap-up after the other. Some of the jokes fall flat and there's an overreliance on Kato's 'Katovision'. And let's not even mention the 3D, which isn't.

There are faults, then. But then, I can't bring myself to not enjoy The Green Hornet, flabby and shabby as it occasionally might be.

Since when did Two-Face wear a stetson? JONAH HEX

Director: Jimmy Hayward (2010)
Starring: Josh Brolin, John Malkovich, Megan Fox, Michael Fassbender

Find it online: IMDB

Strike another one for DC. Batman related cinema and animated features aside, ol' Stan Lee and his buddies at Marvel have been knocking the ball outta the park with their movie releases. To be fair, DC haven't really been trying so far. Jonah Hex is their first real character piece since The Dark Knight. Hopefully this will all change soon; there's a Flash, a Green Lantern, a Nolan-supervised Superman and another Batman on the way. I'll believe a Justice League when I see one, but so far we'll have to make do with BatBale and, um, Jonah Hex.

Brolin plays the half-faced cowboy, disfigured by a villainous John Malkovich (to be fair, when is he not being villainous?) and lookin' for revenge. Brolin is passable enough, although he's not given nearly enough to work with. Sure was kind of the fella to take that bullet for Thomas Jane. If the horrible script wasn't bad enough, he has to share scenes with Megan Fox and her personal portable quality/charisma/watchability vacuum. She's terrible, in her usual nasal and vacant way. Obviously she's the worst actor in the movie, closely followed by John Malkovich. Even phoning it in, he's better than Megan Fox. Saying that, I think I saw a cactus that's better than Megan Fox.

I'm not as down with the Jonah Hex mythos as I am with other characters, but I know it can't be as bad as this movie. An R rating wouldn't have gone amiss (think Punisher: War Zone) or howzabout making the thing actually look like a Western? My ideal Jonah Hex would've been a cross between The Proposition and The Dark Knight. There are some great modern Westerns out there (Brolin's own No Country for Old Men, the aforementioned Proposition and The Three Burials of Melquiades Estrada) but this is more like an unintentionally funny version of Wild Wild West, Shanghai Noon or Daredevil. You'd be better off playing The Proposition or rewatching the Two-Face bar scene in Dark Knight.

As a fan of comic books, Westerns and purposefully cheesy nonsense, I really wanted to like Jonah Hex. (Jonah) heck(s), I even tried to ignore the fact that Megan Fox was in it. But no, even aside from the across-the-board bad acting, Jonah Hex is a dull movie. It has its moments, but nowhere near enough of them. I honestly think that replacing one of the tertiary characters with comedy-sidekick Owen Wilson or Jackie Chan would've improved this movie; or at the very least made it a slightly more tolerable brand of bland.

30 Days of Night

Director: David Slade (2007)

Director: Josh Hartnett, Melissa George, Danny Huston, Ben Foster

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon

Even before they started sparkling, vampires were in trouble. Unlike the humble zombie, going through a career resurrection at the time, our bloodsucking friends seemed to be stuck in a state of permanent thrombosis. Let the Right One In wouldn't come for another year, and it seemed that vampires had nothing but the occasional Blade flick and a neverending stream of Gothy emo nonsense to their IMDB credit. Don't get me wrong, I like dark romanticism and subtextual sexuality as much as the next person, but the recurrent themes are as old as Dracula hisself. Shake it up a bit, y'know?

Enter 30 Days of Night, which does away with any subtext, pathos or romance and simply has its vampires act like complete bastards. It's not as revisionist a movie as I might be making it sound - vampires have been portrayed like this many times before - but it's just refreshing to not have to see them making long, overwrought speeches and acting all lonely like. Based on the Steve Niles/Ben Templesmith comic book of the same name, 30 Days of Night has its vampires visit the small town of Barrow, Alaska, where the sun can stay set for a whole month. This gives the vamps a whole month to party hard. And hard they do party.

A noticeably unawful Josh Hartnett plays the humans' leader, Sheriff Eben Oleson. Looking at that name, and at Barrow's location, I really don't think Eben was a character concieved as a white American chap. Still, I don't suppose there are that many Inuit Leading Men out there that Hollywood would be happy marketing their movie around. Melissa George plays his estranged wife, Stella. I'd whine about her casting too, but I'm a little bit in love with Melissa George. And when I say 'a little bit', I mean 'a lot'. Ahem, anyway. The creepy Ben Foster kid from off've Pandorum shows up and breaks all of Barrow's phones and dogs. Because vampires are really scared of phones and dogs. Eben arrests him, but it's too little too late. The phones and dogs have already been trashed. And the vampires attack.

And they don't let up one bit. As soon as the vampires arrive in Barrow, the movie hits the accelerator and doesn't slow down until the end. In fact, the vampires are so effective in their killins' that you don't really buy that the slaughter could last a whole 30 days. The whole movie could just as easily take place in one night, and you wouldn't really notice. Although it would sacrifice that brilliant title. Really, the shonky handling of the timescale is my biggest problem with 30 Days of Night. Director Dave Slade does a better job of making you feel it than Niles/Templesmith did in the comic book, but it just doesn't feel like a full month of action. The characters get wearier and harier (although I could grow a better beard than Hartnett's in a week, let alone 30 days) but not to 30 days' extent. But that's just nitpicking.

The action is truly outstanding. Slade delivers the goods again and again - most notably in a fight with a little girl vampire, an explosive set piece with a truck, and finally with an axe and a wonky head chopping. The antagonists are scarier than vampires have been for a long time, whilst the protagonists have Melissa George to distract from the occasional bit of wooden acting. I'm no fan of Josh Hartnett, but he's better than you might expect here. It has its flaws, but 30 Days of Night is a blast of a movie. It delivers scares, action and gore likely to please most horrorhounds, and best of all - no whingeing or sparkling. I'm not gonna say that it bodes well for Slade's Eclipse - the source material is that shitty - but y'know, I might be inclined to hate it just that little bit less.*

* Well, no, probably not.