Wyrmwood: Road of the Dead

Director: Kiah Roache-Turner (2014)

Starring: Jay Gallagher, Bianca Bradey, Leon Burchill

Find it: IMDB

There's few make genre movies quite as interesting as those of the Aussies. Their weird filmmaking prowess is such that there's a whole documentary dedicated to the exploits of Ozploitation (the itself-rather-fantastic Not Quite Hollywood). The Aussies have been relatively quiet in recent years, but they're back on the map with the critically and fanboy acclaimed zombie effort Wyrmwood: Road of the Dead.

I'll make no secret of the fact that I'm sick and tired of zombies; especially so in no-budget cinema. I'll make an occasional exception for The Walking Dead, but only during its more interesting half-seasons and finales (Alexandria, basically). Otherwise, I could quite happily see the subgenre die off for a while before its next inevitable resurrection or (good) [REC] sequel. Wrmwood, however, is one of the better ones. I haven't had this much fun with a zombie film since the equally crazy Dead Snow 2. 

A lot of that isn't even down to the zombies; that'll be thanks to its frantic Sam Raimi/Edgar Wright esque direction, gory ultraviolence and Mad Max approach to zombie killing. Even better, its human villain is an actual mad scientist, and we don't get nearly enough of those in modern horror cinema. With his his syringes full of green gunk (how very Herbert West), zany dance routines and laconic bastardry, he makes what could have been a series of dull torture scenes seem colourful and exciting. Fair play to poor Bianca Bradey, who has to give most of her own performance through her eyes alone - tied to a wall with a strap over her mouth for most of the running time, I'd forgotten what her voice sounds like by the film's halfway mark. She does a great job though, managing to convey strength and badassery in spite of the fact that she spends more time tied up in this film than most bondage models do during a day's work (full disclosure: most bondage films are only about ten minutes long).

Hers is a more interesting story than the actual road trip element of Road of the Dead, which is pretty slow and meandering at times. Her onscreen brother makes a good working class action hero, but lacks character beyond the death of his family and some pretty entertaining rage fits. It's a little long, a little slow and a little lacking in momentum, but Wyrmwood is one of the better zombie films of recent years. With a sequel on the way, let's hope that next time we get a story worthy of the actors and the world their characters inhabit. Because what we have here, ultimately, is a road which doesn't really go anywhere. Sub pun: it's not great, but you know what they say about roads and good intentions.

Zombeavers

Director: Jordan Rubin (2014)
Starring: Lexi Atkins, Rachel Melvin, Cortney Palm, Robert R. Shafer
Find it: IMDB

I hope you like 'beaver' jokes, because you'll be hearing a lot of them. Recovering from one of their number's bad breakup, a group of girls take off to a relative's cabin in the woods for a weekend of boozing, bitching and setting the world to rights. What they don't count on is the arrival of two groups of uninvited guests - their dipshit boyfriends and the titular zombeavers; zombie beavers.

Yeah, zombie beavers in a movie that is (a) not a fake trailer, and (b) stretched out to feature length. There are only a handful of filmmakers I can think of offhand capable of making a halfway watchable film out of such a concept. No matter the talent involved, there's no-one could make Zombeavers worth watching - not at 85 minutes, anyway - and Rubin doesn't disappoint in that respect; it makes the jump from harmless distraction to far too fucking long in a remarkably short space of time.

The plot, as it is, sees zombified beavers attack when a pair of careless truckers accidentally dump toxic waste in a river teeming with the little fluffy bastards. What follows is like American Pie crossed with Cabin Fever, complete with all of the stupid juvenile humour that entails. Expect, then, gratuitous nudity, an obsession with lesbians, brainless behaviour and endless 'beaver' gags. YES, I GET IT, BEAVER IS A EUPHEMISM FOR 'VAGINA'. Robert R. Shafer pops up to offer the film some of its few genuinely amusing jokes and the kids do die pretty horribly, but it's an otherwise worthless affair.

The beavers themselves look intentionally horrible and shoddy, but the joke is lost in translation by the film also being (unintentionally) horrible and shoddy. It's like the new Grindhouse movement all over again - you have to be very good to pull off a great bad movie, and Zombieavers is just a bad movie. Honestly, if it were between watching this again and Mrs. Brown's Boys D'Movie, I would give serious thought to the latter...

...before watching Zombeavers again, because fuck that noise.

In spite of any good intentions it may have had, Zombeavers is a wretched mess. Unfunny, irritating and badly made (both purposefully and not) it's a dam waste of time.

Zombieland: The TV Series (Pilot)

Director: Eli Craig (2013)

Starring: Kirk Ward, Tyler Ross, Maiara Walsh

Find it: IMDB

The Walking Dead a little too depressing and gory for your crybaby sensibilities? Have no fear, for the Zombieland TV series is here to show the lighter side of the zombie apocalypse. A sequel to 2009's movie, this pilot picks up not far on down the road. We rejoin Columbus, Tallahassee, Wichita and Little Rock, attempting to survive in a world overrun by zombies. No eyeball gouging or limb removal (so far) for this merry band of misfits though - Zombieland: The TV Series is more akin to My Name is Earl than The Walking Dead.

Fans of the movie will be disappointed to learn that none of the actors or actresses have made the transition to the little screen. In the case of Jesse Eisenberg, that's no big loss, but when you consider that Woody Harrelson was the best thing about Zombieland, the series has a bit of an uphill struggle on its hands. And Emma Stone, of course, will always be missed, in everything (even in movies and series she had nothing to do with in the first place). While Tyler Ross is a good fit for Columbus (in a Michael Cera sort of way), Kirk Ward is no Woody Harrelson. It's as though they didn't even really try.

And that's perhaps for the best, since a bad impression of Woody Harrelson would have potentially been even worse. Ward is amusing in his own way, but doesn't really have time to give his own approximation of the character. At the moment, everyone is in the shadow of what came before, and half an hour isn't long enough to do anything about that. It does a great job of capturing the movie's atmosphere though, with many of the same tricks and ideas at play. Returning are the little on-screen 'rules for survival' and 'zombie kill of the week' bits. They're all very welcome. The plot, flimsy as it is (the guys look, unsuccesfully, for fellow survivors) serves as a nice re-introduction to our heroes. The funniest joke is a moment where Tallahassee calls Columbus "Zuckerberg." The Social Network, geddit.

I genuinely hope that Zombieland: The Series does well. This pilot is funny, comically gory and likeable. The Walking Dead may have the monopoly on TV zombies at the moment, but that shouldn't mean that we can't still have a laugh elsewhere at their expense. Frankly, moody Rick Grimes and his chums could do with lightening up a bit anyway.

Evil Dead (2013)

Director: Fede Alvarez (2013)
Starring: Jane Levy, Shiloh Fernandez, Lou Taylor Pucci
Find it: IMDB

Boo hoo, another horror remake. Yes, but a halfway decent one, this time.

Evil Dead is the most terrifying film you will ever experience, apparently. Not really, but it's an experience, all the same. A remake of a highly regarded horror classic directed by the great Sam Raimi and starring the greatest Bruce Campbell, Evil Dead faced an uphill struggle from the start. With the fans rallying against his remake and clamouring for an Evil Dead 4, director Fede Alvarez was in an unenviable position. Despite my being an enormous fan of Raimi's Evil Dead trilogy, I was more open to the idea of this remake than most. Well, The Hills Have Eyes remake is one of my favourite horror movies of all time, so it would be a tad hypocritical of me to whine about remakes now, wouldn't it?

Alvarez ships his own group of pretty teenagers out to a little cabin in the woods, where Mia (Levy) is trying to kick her drug addiction. Also present - her estranged brother (Fernandez) and supportive but hippyish friends. Not present - Bruce Campbell or Ash. But this film didn't need them. It needed space to be it's own thing.

Another question on everyone's lips: can I struggle through this review without calling the film 'groovy'? Probably not, but I'll try. From beginning to end, it's a non-stop gore rollercoaster, full of incredible violence and beautiful mayhem. Evil Dead might be the most violent cinema release of all time. It's certainly the bloodiest. Limbs are torn off, dogs brutally murdered, tongues slit and bodies punctured with all manner of torture instrument. Best seen at the cinema, the screening which I attended was packed full of terrified gasps and shuddering. A press screening for Starburst Magazine (my classier review can be read here), bottles of beer and whole pizzas were handed out for free before the film. I can think of no movie less suited to having stuffed your face beforehand. Perhaps the publicists were hoping somebody would throw up or something - that always does wonders for a horror film's credibility.

Nobody chundered at the screening I attended, but everyone seemed to enjoy it. And for good reason: Evil Dead is a success. Like most remakes, it struggles a little to justify its own existence, but the constant onslaught of gore and violence will win over a great deal of horrorhounds - myself included. There's an obvious reverence for the original, and a lot of winks and nods in that general direction. Occasionally it gets a little too much - just do your own thing already! But largely, it works. Others won't be swayed (especially what with the dodgy script, bad acting and silly twist towards the end) but it's easier to watch than most horror remakes. Oh, and be sure to say in your seat after the credits roll, for the motherlode of all treats*.

Alright, I'll bite: it may not be the "most terrifying film you'll ever experience" (not even close) and nor is it as good as the original, but Evil Dead 2013 is groovy as hell.

*May not be an actual motherlode.

Before Dawn

Director: Dominic Brunt (2012)

Starring: Dominic Brunt, Joanne Mitchell, Nicky Evans

Find it: IMDB

A low-budget British zombie film, starring that Paddy from off've Emmerdale and filmed (probably) just up the road from Home Farm. My challenge in watching Before Dawn - resisting the urge to make too many 'Paddy from off've Emmerdale' jokes. Pretty sure I failed in that respect.

Which is a shame, since Paddy from off've Emmerdale deserves so much better than some witless goon constantly going, "eh, that's Paddy from off've Emmerdale" all the way through his otherwise considered, reverent zombie movie. But I do so love Paddy from off've Emmerdale.

Alas, I love Paddy and I love Emmerdale far more than I loved Before Dawn. It's nice to have a British zombie movie which takes its zombies seriously. There are some comedic touches, but not nearly as many as you might expect. In fact, the film is played shockingly straight at times. An estranged couple head to the countryside in an attempt to salvage something of their marriage. Meg (Mitchell) is career minded and constantly glued to her mobile phone; Alex (Brunt) is ill tempered and whiny. Their marriage is looking all but over when Meg encounters a zombie while out jogging in the morning. The pair hole up in their cottage and attempt to sit out the rise of the living dead, with varying levels of success.

"Varying levels of success" is a good description of Brunt's directorial debut. Visceral and gory as the zombie action is (it's reminiscent of 28 Days Later in that respect) it takes far too long to get there. The characters are too unlikeable for us to want to spend any time with them. Even Meg, the supposedly sympathetic one, is kind of horrible.

Talking of horrible.

Before Dawn is an interesting homegrown horror film, flawed as it might be. The story is engaging enough, later enlivened by the appearance of Nicky Evans from off've Shameless. There's a good joke about a box of chocolates, some properly brutal zombie action and a heartfelt (if obvious) ending.

Before Dawn may not be as great as Paddy's Emmerdale or Inbred, but it is still worth checking out, all the same.  

The Evil Dead

Director: Sam Raimi (1981)

Starring: Bruce Campbell. Also, other people. But mostly The Campbell.

Find it: IMDB

It's one of my ambitions that I compile a set of reviews for the infamous video nasties as banned here in England during the 1980s: all 39 of them, eventually. That job is made all the easier when one of those so-called 'nasties' happens to be one of my favourite movies of all time. There's a personal reason for that, too: Sam Raimi's The Evil Dead has the dubious honour of being the very first 18-rated horror movie I ever saw on the big screen. (No, sharp-eyed readers and Myspace* stalkers, I'm not that old - but it was re-released uncut in 2002, to my cinematic delectation). Cherry, popped. I was fucking enchanted.

The plot is both simple and a modern horror staple (living on today in the likes of Cabin in the Woods and Cabin Fever). Four kids drive down to their hired woodland cabin for a weekend of drinking, smoking pot and (in the case of Bruce Campbell's Ash) surprise marriage proposals. Things become quickly complicated when they discover the Necronomicon Ex Mortis (roughly translated as The Book of the Dead) and an audio reel in the cabin's cellar. Upon playing the recording, they awaken some bloody evil spirits and find themselves beset by demonic possession, horrible hallucinations and rape twigs. Can they survive the night?

You'll not find a jot of criticism from me here. To me, The Evil Dead is the perfect horror movie. There are very few movies that I'd describe as 'perfect'. The others: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Wicker Man and Dead Man's Shoes. Although I'd been a fan of horror for some time before, I view The Evil Dead as a rite of passage; for years, my folks had been telling me how horrible and totally awful it was. And, like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and The Exorcist I'd come to expect it to be something really explicit and horrendously bad. Of course it isn't. There's actually some comedy in there, inspired by the Three Stooges and the filmmakers' slapstick comedy influences. It shows. The sequels would up the comedy quotient, but this original piece gets the mix of horror and comedy just right. It was also my very first introduction to the cult genius that is Bruce Campbell.

It's an inspirational piece, one that shows the aspiring filmmaker the heights which can be achieved with relatively little. The making of The Evil Dead is one of my favourite rags-to-riches stories of all time. To me, The Evil Dead is far much more than just a horror movie. As we all know, Mary Whitehouse would come along shortly after its release and condemn it as evil and despicable and all kinds of horrible. Not bad, considering she never even bothered to watch the thing. Perhaps Raimi and chums should have hired her as their chief publicist. I don't doubt that her very vocal, criticisms helped in no small way to help The Evil Dead achieve even greater notoriety. Groovy indeed.

*Cultural reference

[REC] Genesis

Director: Paco Plaza (2012)
Starring: Leticia Dolera, Diego Martin, John Sponge
Find it: IMDB

'And now', as Monty Python would put it, 'for something completely different.' It's no exaggeration when I say that [REC] is possibly my favourite found footage horror movie of all time. Although, seeing as I hate most of the others, that's not saying much. It's also one of my favourite zombie films of all time. The sequel, whilst mostly more of the same, is very good too. Given the bombshell which [REC] 2 left us with, this prequel drops the ball enormously. In fact, it's almost the most disappointing threequel of 2012.

[REC] Genesis doesn't have Tom Hardy doing an accent that I literally laughed at every time he came on-screen. It doesn't have a man's spine being repaired with rope and a hole. It doesn't even have a completely predictable ending which is telegraphed miles in advance. No, it has a man called John Sponge (who is actually dressed as a sponge) and a protagonist doing his best Inigo Montoya impression. For the purposes of this prequel, [REC] Genesis is transformed into a comedy-horror hybrid, whether the cap fits or not. Not once is Genesis as scary or even mildly unsettling as its predecessors. I love comedy horror (it's perhaps my favourite brand of horror) but only when it makes sense. Granted, this review is but a smokescreen for my unpopular opinions regarding The Dark Knight Rises, but I was still quite disappointed.    

Were it not for the [REC] brand, I would have loved Genesis. It's cruel, insanely gory, stupid and there are even chainsaws. It's not even a bad movie. There are some funky Spanish songs accompanying the violence, and the central romance is genuinely quite sweet. All in all, it sounds like a recipe for a horror movie I'm guaranteed to love. But I watched [REC] Genesis hoping to see a [REC] film. If I wanted to see a silly knockoff, I'd watch Quarantine 2 again*. Who knew that, outside of the infamous Barcelona apartment block, there was a goofy horror comedy going on. Talk about that reporter lady being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Those less enamoured with the franchise as I might enjoy Genesis. It's better than a lot of new zombie horror  releases out there, and even manages to be quite inventive at times. But as a successor (or precursor) to two of the best horror movies of recent years, it's bloody useless.

* I wouldn't. Nothing could ever make me watch Quarantine 2 again.

City of the Living Dead

Thanks to Lee from The Hougly Film Journal for suggesting this one.

Do the same here.

Director: Lucio Fulci (1980)
Starring: Christopher George, Catriona MacColl, Carlo De Mejo
Find it: IMDB

Watching Lucio Fulci's infamous video nasty for the first time, there were a number of things I expected to see and hear. Things like "at some stage, every girl wants to marry her own father" are par for the course, as are maggot-ridden zombies, traumatised eyeballs and various dodgy sounding lines of dialogue. What I didn't expect City of the Living Dead to do, however, was (briefly) melt my heart.

D'awwww.

It does attack someone moments later though (not in a zombie way), so it's not as though Fulci is going soft. But I keep coming back to that kitty whenever City of the Living Dead gets too hard to handle. Ew, maggots. Just look at the picture of the puddy tat until the Bad Thing goes away.

Meanwhile, in a Dunwich graveyard, a tormented clergyman commits suicide, unwittingly opening the Gates of Hell as he does so. A reporter and a psychic travel to the town (not a city, then) to close the Gates before the dead can overtake the Earth for their own. Not just any zombies, though: super powered zombies with super strength, teleportation and levitation abilities. Never mind the fast zombies/slow zombies debate - the question on everyone's lips is whether they should be able to levitate where they please in their search for brains to nom.

Eagle eyed horror fans will recognise Dunwich from HP Lovecraft's short story The Dunwich Horror. It's a nice nod from Fulci and the film has a very Lovecraftian feel to it. Cthulu would definitely approve of the bleeding eyeballs and teleporting zombies. A scene in which a woman vomits up her own internal organs is the most disgusting thing I have seen in a very long time (since, oh, the eyeball poke in Zombie Flesh Eaters). Just close your eyes and think of the kitty. There's also a bit where the windows of a house fly open and the residents are sprayed with a barrage of maggots. Given that I have a minor phobia of maggots, watching these poor schmoes standing up to their ankles in a writhing puddle of maggots made my stomach turn.  

Adding to the atmosphere is the soundtrack. As is peculiar to Italian zombie films of the time, it sounds a lot like something out of Romero's Dawn of the Dead, but is grimmer and even more Gothic here. It compliments the visuals perfectly. And other than the visuals and the music, there isn't much to City of the Dead. It has more of a story than The Beyond (which is like a sort of sketch show from hell) but becomes fairly incomprehensible towards the end.  

City of the Dead is classic Fulci horror. It makes very little sense, but that hardly matters. If the man who brought us a zombie fighting a shark has taught us anything, it's that re-animated corpses don't need a reason.

Quarantine 2: Terminal

Director: John Pogue (2011)

Starring: Mercedes Masohn, Josh Cook, Mattie Liptak

Find it: IMDB

Never work with children or animals, goes the old adage. And don't allow them anywhere near your zombie movie either. Children render Quarantine 2 nearly unwatchable, whilst animals make it ridiculous. Terminally so. Get it, because terminal means 'fatal' as well as being a place where you wait for your flight. Quarantine 2: Terminal is about a terminal illness (in a manner of speaking) and is set in an airport terminal. That title is the hardest work anyone put into writing Quarantine 2.

An aeroplane full of dipshits takes off from LA (where the first Quarantine was set) with a hold full of rage-infected gerbils in tow. One of the gerbils gets free and bites a passenger, unleashing human rabies upon the aeroplane. Panicked, the pilot lands the plane, whereupon the action spreads out onto a quarantined airport terminal. Quarantine 2 is a Die Hard 2 kind of sequel, except Die Hard 2 actually did its predecessor justice. Quarantine 2 does nobody any justice. Except for the [REC] films, which it makes look even better by comparison.

Unimpeded by the constraints of remaking [REC], this sequel is very much its own thing. Where [REC] 2 stayed within the confines of the zombie-ridden apartment complex, Quarantine 2 flees elsewhere and disposes of the handheld cameras. The former sequel explained the zombie virus in a fascinating, original way. The latter takes the cheapest, laziest route available. Human rabies indeed.

It also has you rooting for the zombies thanks to a collection of horrible, annoying characters. Choice of lead character is between a useless air hostess, the idiot who caused it all and a kid called George who looks like a chubby Justin Bieber. I actually had to watch the last ten minutes with the volume turned down, so bad was the acting. Quarantine 2 loses a Screaming Scream Queen thanks to the continued presence of George (Liptak) alone. Little fucker effectively ruins the film. [REC] wasn't afraid to eviscerate a child or two. Quarantine 2 take note; little fucking George should have been eviscerated as soon as the zombie apocalypse began.

The rest of the characters are a dull collection of stereotypes and assorted flavours of cannon fodder. There's the sweet old lady, the guy who just wants to get home to his kid, the asshole, the guy on his way to a job interview, the holidaying foreign couple and an old guy in a wheelchair. To be fair, it was funny when the rat jumped on the old guy's head. Talking of funny: the illness is passed on by a cat eating an infected person's vomit off've the floor. Also, there's an obese guy on the aeroplane who gets really really angry and starts foaming at the mouth:

Spoiler: he goes home and writes a really angry blog about it.

Quarantine 2 would be good if it wasn't for the horrible child and the stupid animals. There's some fun gore, a couple of decent shocks and some nice zombie effects, but you'd be better off by simply watching the [REC] films again. Quarantine 2 is bad. Terminally so.

Dead Rising 2: Off The Record

What would Dead Rising 2 have been if it had starred original Dead Rising protagonist Frank West instead of glum, whiny Chuck Greene? At once the same and more fun. Off The Record is a re-imagining in the style of an old Marvel 'What If?' comic or DC 'Elseworld' tale. Myself, I spent most of the cut scenes being distracted by how much Frank looks like Dan Aykroyd.

In the story itself, very little has changed. There's the same overriding arc, albeit with a few surprises and changes along the way to suit the different personalities in protagonists. With Frank comes his camera, meaning that you have the opportunity to photograph events as you experience them. You can earn points and trophies therein, adding a little variation to gameplay. Also added are a few new weapons to build and an all-new environment to play in. A small funfair sits off the Strip, where you can amuse yourself by jumping on a rollercoaster and pretending you're doing Zombieland. A checkpoint mechanism has been brought to the game, making psychopath battles less infuriating - but also less tense and rewarding when completed.

But the biggest improvement comes with a sandbox mode, doing away with the story and the ticking clock and any need to find Zombrex. There are medals to be won and cash to earn, but mostly it's an excuse to cut loose and trash some zombies. There's an achievement to kill 100,000 zombies. But by the time you've done that, you'll probably never want to play the game again. Zombie killing gets old eventually, even when you do it with as much style as Frank West.

I honestly wish that Off The Record had come out before Dead Rising 2. It's a much improved playing experience, making the game even more fun and a little less broken. But there's no ignoring that it's exactly the same story. After the initial joy of playing as Frank wears off, it settles down and you find yourself going through the same old motions as Chuck Greene only a year previously. It's even more frustrating in that I was on a third playthrough of Dead Rising 2 when Off The Record was released. Off The Record makes Dead Rising 2 redundant whilst also being a little redundant itself.

If you've not played Dead Rising 2, skip that game, add an extra Scream Queen to the score below and go straight for Off The Record. It's the definitive Dead Rising experience.

Zombie, Ohio

Written by: Scott Kenemore

Find it: Official page, Amazon

College Professor Peter Mellor crashes his car and wakes up a zombie. But not a regular stupid zombie, no. Even after death, Mellor seems to retain his mental faculties. Sure, he wants to eat himself some brains, but he's capable of thinking, talking and regular-person activities too.

I shall admit, I was a little hesitant in picking up Zombie, Ohio. Zombie books are a dime-a-dozen these days, from survival guides to comic books all the way through to classical literature mash-ups. But Zombie, Ohio is none of those things. Zombie, Ohio is a proper novel that was written by one person with no help from Jane Austen or JK Rowling or Stieg Larsson (I made those last two up. I might actually finish The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo if it were to throw a few zombies in).

And it's not crap either, which is always a nice surprise. A crap book is worse than a crap film because by the time you fully decide that it's crap, you're generally too invested to stop reading. Also, you can't burn a crap book without someone accusing you of being Hitler or an idiot. Crap DVDs make good frisbees for throwing at your Mom's head or funky coasters or even little things you can hang above your baby's cot if you're a cheap fucker. Crap books are good for nothing except taking up space.

Anyway, Zombie, Ohio follows Mellor as he adjusts to life as a zombie. He's something of an oddity in that his fellow zombies are your more traditional slow, stupid shufflers. As Mellor turns his back on his own humanity, he begins to embrace his zombie side. Yummy, brains. Zombie, Ohio takes a shocking turn that I really didn't see coming. A less talented writer than Kenemore might lose his audience at this point, but the witty, touching first-person narrative keeps the readership on board even at the story's grislier touches. A zombie novel from the zombie's perspective, Zombie, Ohio reminded me a little of the Dexter books crossed with Max Brooks' World War Z. Kenemore's descriptions of apocalyptic America are a joy to read, vividly describing a society in decay; fully living up to the standards as set by Brooks and his peers.

I thoroughly enjoyed Zombie, Ohio. It's packed with humour, gore and mystery aplenty. It's the best zombie movie George Romero never made.

Resident Evil: Afterlife

Director: Paul WS Anderson (2010)

Starring: Milla Jovovich, Ali Larter, Kim Coates

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

Despite the series' many faults, I've always had a soft spot for the Resident Evil movies. I hated the second one and can't remember much of Extinction, but I can always make time for a little Resident Evil. The first flick is a regular visitor to my DVD player. By no mean coincidence, I really like Milla Jovovich. I even like WS Anderson every now and then. Event Horizon is one of my favourite space horrors of all time and the original Resident Evil still stands as the best videogame adaptation yet made.

Afterlife picks up after the post-apocalyptic events of Extinction. The world is still dead, save for a few pockets of resistance. In the opening act of the movie, Alice (Jovovich) scuffles with Big Bad Albert Wesker (Shawn Roberts) who strips her of her silly superhuman powers and escapes. Months later, Alice is flying around in a cute little airplane trying to find fellow survivors. She reunites with Extinction's Claire Redfield (Larter) and heads to LA, where she runs into a band of other survivors. Hiding in a prison; Wentworth Miller from off've Prison Break. Who tells them he knows how to escape the facility. Yo ho ho. He plays Resi regular Chris Redfield.

Zombies are fought and there are a few neat nods to Resident Evil 5. The 'Majini' zombies make an appearance, as does The Executioner, who comes at Alice and Claire with a rather hefty axe. Wesker wears the sunglasses and leathers combo from his last outing in the videogame. The final fight at the end is rather reminiscent of that particular boss battle. Indeed, Afterlife works so well as a videogame adaptation that I'm struggling not to describe some of the set pieces as "boss battles."

Like most entries in the franchise, Afterlife has its share of problems. Some of the CGI is crappy (particularly the zombie dogs), the story is nonsensical and it's a very immature piece, clearly designed to appeal to teenage boys and fellow sufferers of Jovovich Blindness (an actual medical issue which causes the inflicted to sit through trash like this and Ultraviolet). But it's easy to watch, enjoyably rubbish and chock full of violence and photogenic people. On that note, yes. This review was but an article to post that picture. Sorry about that. Here, have a picture of Wentworth Miller to make up for it:

I can't say I'd ever pictured Miller as Chris Redfield, but he does fine enough. All of the performances are good. Probably more than a movie like Afterlife deserves. The closing moments set things up for a sequel. Does it need one? No. Am I thoroughly on board anyway? Sure, why not.

The Official Zombie Handbook (UK)

Written by: Sean T Page (2010)

Find it: Official site, Amazon

At last, a zombie survival guide that caters for us Brits. I was beginning to worry that, come the zombie apocalypse, I'd have to watch my beloved country fall beneath the raging hordes. Not so anymore, with Sean T Page's Official Zombie Handbook (UK). I fear that it'll fall on deaf ears, since no-one reads books anymore. But it's very nice to have the option.

And it's very nice to have The Official Zombie Handbook too. Especially with a cover image like that. Straight from The Ministry Of Zombies itself, The Guide covers everything every English zombie survivalist should know, from the effectiveness of our police force to the availability of good weapons on Z-Day. Anyone who's seen Shaun Of The Dead will go straight for the cricket bat, but the Guide gives us a handy number of viable alternatives, just in case.

The book is well-written, well-illustrated (I would put that cover image on my wall) and comprehensive. It's certainly food for thought, and everything builds to help put together a 90-day zombie survival plan. Even to someone as well-versed in zombie cinema as myself, I found the book informative and useful. It's wickedly funny too, which is always a bonus.

Even if you're not UK bound, The Zombie Handbook is worth a read. Come the apocalypse, it's nice to know how the rest of the world will be tackling things. Beyond that, it's a fun bit of cultural anthropology and an all-around good read.

The Horde

Director: Yannick Dahan, Benjamin Rocher (2009)

Starring: Claude Perron, Jean-Pierre Martins, Eriq Ebouaney

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

That's right, another French fancy. This week I has mostly been watching French movies (not even intentionally. I've just happen to keep stumbling across the stuff). This time though, zombies. Not since perhaps the original [Rec] have I had as much of a blast with a movie as I did The Horde. It's billed as being a zombie version of Die Hard. What's not to like?

After a cop suffers gangland execution at the hands of an infamous French gangster, a crack team of cops seek out retribution, tracking down the goons to a nearly deserted block of flats. Except the crack team of cops are actually a bit crap, and screw things up extraordinarily. Things go even more wrongways when a zombie apocalypse interrupts their vendettas. Can the cops and criminals band together to escape the building and survive violent zombie death? Probably not, but it's fun watching them try.

The Die Hard comparison is a good one. One of the characters even wears a vest. There's not much horror to be found in The Horde, just a steady flow of violence, gore and action. The flimsily constructed characters are fun to watch in a meathead action movie kinda way; disposable enough that there's an element of unpredictability as to who will bite it next. And there is a lot of biting in The Horde. As the title might suggest, there are plenty of zombies. There could have been more, maybe.... but then I'm greedy. The action is reminiscent of the Dawn Of The Dead remake, or [Rec] 2 on a bigger scale. A foul-mouthed script brings the wit (why does swearing seem even funnier in subtitles?) and the actors throw themselves into it with gusto. It's difficult to pick a standout performance, but Jean-Pierre Martins wins out for that awesome moustache alone.

After the likes of Shaun Of The Dead, Zombieland and the great Romero's diminishing returns, it's nice to enjoy a zombie movie not tinged with humour or irony. It might not be as scary or original as [Rec], and The Horde is as superficial as they come. But it brings thrills, action and, well, hordes of bloodthirsty zombies. Sometimes, that's all one needs.

[Rec] 2

Directors: Jaume Balaguero, Paco Plaza (2009)

Starring: Jonathan Mellor, Oscar Zafra, Ariel Casas

Find it: IMDB, Amazon

Not quite as good as the original, but still a very good movie. [Rec] 2 picks up almost exactly where the first left off, with a heavily armed riot team and a mysterious health inspector breaching the infected Spanish apartment block. Despite being far more prepared than the predecessor's firemen and TV reporters, the men are quickly overrun and face the fight of their lives. There's a kick-ass priest too. Zombie movies are always improved by kick-ass priests.

It's all a bit Aliens, with quite the emphasis on more action and a lot more zombies than before. The firsthand footage gimmick is still present, as our protagonists all wear little webcams on their heads. It also takes in multiple perspectives, using footage from other survivors and cameras scattered throughout the building. Occasionally this can feel a bit distracting, but mostly it works. Characters and families from the first movie are revisited, and we get to see quite a bit more of that creepy penthouse apartment too.

Whereas the cause and nature of the infection went mostly unexplained in [Rec], it is here explained away almost completely. And the explanation the filmmakers choose to go with here might seem like a startling one to some. [Rec] 2 , without being spoilery, is a more supernatural movie than its predecessor. Actually, that was quite spoilery, wasn't it? It'd be interesting to see whether a Quarantine 2 would go that route too. I enjoyed it though, even if it does dent some of the movie's realism. A final twist opens the series up further. I hope to see more of the franchise in future, as there's plenty could be done with [Rec]'s new ideas, especially in a more open environment.

[Rec] 2 then, whilst not managing to be quite as good as the first movie, is its own beast. There are plenty of scares and thrills to please the most ardent gorehound. There's a genuine feel of unpredictability to the proceedings, which is fun and very intriguing. The movie's final shot, by the way, is its coup-de-grace. Playful and terrifying at the same time, it makes the whole sequel thing worthwhile and actually adds to its predecessor's power. Highly reccommended.

The Taint

Director: Drew Bolduc & Dan Nelson (2010)

Starring: Drew Bolduc, Ariel Canton, Cody Crenshaw

Find it: Official website, IMDB

Comes loaded with a perfectly apt moniker. I certainly feel tainted by this movie. The Taint is like The Crazies, only filtered through the likes of South Park, John Waters and elements of Peter Jackson's Braindead. It's one of the most gleefully obscene things I've ever seen. The Taint is a movie which you couldn't even begin to synopsisis-se for your mother without getting an earful. If you thought The Human Centipede was bad (bless you) well, you've never seen a man on a skateboard, draped in an American flag, shooting at bulging boners with a .44 Magnum. It's a bizarre movie, relishing its low budget rather than being constrained by it. It reminds me of the cult TV show Darkplace. Only a lot more disgusting.

The titular Taint is the result of medical experimentation gone terribly wrong. In an attempt to produce a manhood enhancing drug, scientists accidentally unleash a sort of horny zombie apocalypse upon the world; one which turns the infected into raging 'misogynists' - "monsters who want nothing more than to crush women's heads with rocks". Do you like penis and jizz? I hope so, because you'll be seeing a lot of both in The Taint. Awesomely haired Phil O' Ginny (Bolduc) is one of the few uninfected. Whilst fleeing the misogynist hordes, he happens across a fellow survivor, with whom he forms a tentative alliance. Can he stay uninfected, survive and maybe even discover the cause of the infection? Maybe, but I shouldn't worry. It's all just an excuse for unbelievable amounts of violence, gore, swearing and spraying jizz.

To be sure, The Taint isn't everyone's cup of tea. Those with a low tolerance for gross-out humour and bodily functions would be well advised to keep clear. Likewise, those who like their flicks with Hollywood gloss won't get on with the Troma-esque gonzo splatter and intentional trashiness. But that's fine - I've seen enough over-serious STD bores to last a lifetime. I'll take mine with a sense of humour, lots of cock and a streak of horrid inventiveness any day, thank you. Consider me proudly and forever Tainted.

Dead Rising 2

In a city that looks like Las Vegas but isn't Las Vegas, stuntman motorcross person Chuck Greene battles zombies for others' entertainment. A bit like that scene with Asia Argento and the cage in Land Of The Dead, except with chainsaws and motorbikes and cheesy cutscenes. No sooner has Chuck hit the showers than the zombies break out and take the city by storm. Chuck and daughter Katey hide in an underground bunker whilst they wait for the military to arrive. But, as always, there are complications. Katey is infected and needs anti-zombification drug Zombrex every 24 hours. And also, Chuck's been framed as the outbreak's cause. Can he (you) save his daughter, clear his name and survive the next 80ish hours? Or will you spend all of your valuable time dicing and slicing zombies with a lightsaber?

Yes, a fucking lightsaber.

No, it doesn't make the noise. But it's still a fucking lightsaber and you'll spend all of your time chopping zombies to bits with it. Occasionally, if you feel like it, you'll rescue a couple of survivors and battle some psychopaths too. But mostly you'll be hacking zombies up with a lightsaber.

Dead Rising 2 is a free-roaming sort of affair. There's a storyline and objectives, but it's up to you whether you partake in anything, or simply wander aimlessly around battering zombies with a series of ridiculous implements and tools. The sheer amount of weapons and possibilities therein are the game's strongest point. Literally anything you see can be used as a weapon against the zombie hordes. A chainsaw is obviously going to be more effective than a pair of scissors or a dildo, but the option's there if you want it. And the myriad of tools you're given can be combined to double the awesomeness. From nailed baseball bats to chainsaw paddles to beer hats to boxing gloves with knives on, Dead Rising 2 delivers the best zombie killing action ever seen in a computer game. It harkens back to Zombies Ate My Neighbour and such filmic delights as Zombieland or Shaun Of The Dead. The emphasis on inventive slaughter by Capcom is a very wise move and will win the game a lot of fans, as will its very George Romero-ish sense of humour.

But where it fails - and fail it occasionally does - is in its terribly cheesy cut-scenes, ridiculously hard psychopath boss battles, underpowered guns, strict deadlines and a map that takes ages to traverse. Its save point system will annoy some, although it's reportedly better than that of the original Dead Rising, and the controls can be a little fiddly at time. The whole thing is nearly derailed by the sheer amount of load screens which pop up at frustrating regularity.

But there's a lot to like and a lot more to love. The kill counter is a lovely little addition. The outfit changes offer much amusement (destroying zombies dressed as a cowboy or in one's grundies brought me hours of giggles) as do the delightfully grotesque characters and boss battles. Yes, they're too hard, but psychopaths such as Chef, Slappy and a PVC chainsaw Pig look quite wonderful. Dead Rising 2 is doubtlessly a little bit broken, but should you take the time to look for and enjoy the fun bits, you'll learn to love it in spite of its unfortunate flaws.

If you've not played it, however, a 're-imagining' was released, starring the original game's Frank West. It's called Off The Record and is a superior game. Ignore this one, and fill your boots with that instead.

Did I mention the FUCKING LIGHTSABER?

Dr Dale's Zombie Dictionary: the A-Z Guide to Staying Alive

If you've ever questioned how useful Lorraine Kelly or a sheep would be in the midst of a zombie apocalypse* - or find The Zombie Survival Guide a little dry - then Dr. Dale's Zombie Dictionary is most surely the book for you. If you want to survive the forthcoming zombie holocaust, I'd fully recommend this be on your reading list. Written by zombie survival guru Dale Seslick, The Zombie Survival Guide comes on the back of a Fringe show and podcast. It's a service for the good of humanity, when you think of it. The Good Doctor's A-Z takes in topics you'd expect (Armour & Weapons) and a lot of ones you really wouldn't (the YMCA, um, Lorraine Kelly). The advice given is useful, informative (it's helped me no end in Dead Rising 2) and very funny. Despite there being a lot of jokes, Doctor Dale never sacrifices good advice for a punchline. Should it get the audience it deserves, this book will save a lot of lives. Horror fans will dig references to their favourite movies too - Dawn Of The Dead, Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus - whilst I really enjoyed the very British sense of humour and mentions of Emmerdale, of all things.

Unlike The Zombie Survival Guide, World War Z or some of its ilk, the book doesn't take itself too seriously. Take note Apocalypse 2012; just because the world is facing its Final Days doesn't mean we can't have a few laughs too. It's well illustrated throughout and a lot of fun. Everything a bit of good zombie literature should be, in fact.

Best of all: it comes with a full money back guarantee should you die by zombie within 30 days of its purchase.

* I would have said the sheep more than the Scot, but we won't hold that against the Doctor.

Pride And Prejudice And Zombies

"Jane Austen is the Stephenie Meyer of her generation."

If that's not a pull quote, I don't know what fucking is

Yes, it's a book review. But shut up ignorami, books will make you well proper clever like what I is. Seth Grahame Smith's update-with-zombies of Jane Austen's Pride And Prejudice bills itself as being a version of the classic that "you'd actually want to read." And in all fairness, this is the first time I've ever made it past the sixth chapter of the book. Zombies and vomiting definitely help, although it's still not a book you can actually power through in a quick way. In fact, Smith's undead inclusions only make it mildly more tolerable - the characters are still horrible and there's far too much of Jane Austen's original prose. It's actually a remarkably faithful adaptation if you swap the dancing for zombie attacks and the Darcy/Elizabeth flirting for silly dialogue about Katana swords, ninjas and middle eastern martial arts' training. And vomiting. Lots of vomiting. Pride And Prejudice And Zombies made me realise that I'm about 3.5% less immature than I thought I was. Smith's additions make the source material more readable, but it can come across as childish and even a little obvious. Pride And Prejudice And Zombies is not a horror novel. It's full on comedy, and not a particularly rip-roaring one.

The forthcoming movie adaptation should weed out some of the problems. Namely, less of Austen's leaden prose and more of the grotesquerie as realised by the book's wonderful illustrations. It's a project which has the potential to be great, but is neither gruesome nor funny enough to work. Perhaps if I didn't hate Jane Austen's original so much I'd have enjoyed this book more. As it stands, there's far too much Pride And Prejudice and not enough zombies. Before you call me a heathen and an idiot, I should point out that I'm allowed to hate P&P - I'm English and have a literature degree. If this book had existed a few years earlier, then maybe I'd have actually finished Pride & Prejudice in at least some incarnation. As it stands, it says a lot about my character that the only version of the novel I've ever managed to finish reading is one with added zombie action and puking. With her stulted dialogue, dull, repetetive prose and unlikeable, sulky characters, Jane Austen is the Stephenie Meyer of her generation.

Pride And Prejudice And Zombies is worth a look, if only as a literary curiosity or if you find puke, zombies and ninjas overtly hilarious. As it stands, Pride And Prejudice And Zombies is a version of the novel "you'll actually want to read". But not more than once.

Dead Set

Creator: Charlie Brooker (2008)

Starring: Jaime Winstone, Andy Nyman, Kevin Eldon, Davina McCall

Find it online: IMDB, Amazon UK, Amazon US

Ah, summer. Lovely summer, at least until something that comes along and ruins it all. Picture the scene. I'm at home, overheated and bored. I text a friend, wanting to visit a beer garden or the like. Okay, I don't have any friends, but if I did they'd repy with this: "sorry chum. Watching the football/Big Brother." This year I get not only the World Cup, but the grand finale of Big Brother too.

Football, you suck. But that's hardly an appropriate topic for a horror blog. Nor would Big Brother be normally, but more on that later. Big Brother. Never have two words made me so unfairly hate a piece of popular literature so much. George Orwell's 1984 is arguably one of the greatest books ever written. What Channel 4 did in its name... not so much.

For me, Big Brother the literary villain has become regreattably overshadowed by Big Brother the shitty TV monster. Every summer, around 15 zany fuckheads and imbeciles are piled into a luxury mansion and tortured live on television for around three months. Over the seven or eight years it's been broadcasting, Big Brother has brought us race rows, the proliferation of Stupid Celebrity, bullying, bottle wanking, Jade fucking Goody and a truly bizarre moment with a Scottish MP in a catsuit. Nothing is garanteed to make me turn my telly set off faster than the words "Day ten-hundred-and-fifty-seventy in the Big Brutha Hooo-ooose. Becky is smoo-oking a cigarette" (re-read that sentence out loud in a Geordie accent). Just typing those words made my brain seep a little bit inside.

To my count, precisely three good things have come out of Big Brother. (1) Kerrang Radio DJ Kate Lawler (2) Russell Brand on Big Brother's Little Brother and (3) Dead Set. Dead Set, created and written by telly critic and journalist Charlie Brooker is to my mind, the greatest piece of genre television in recent memory. Over the course of five episodes, Brooker sculpts the finest piece of zombie cinema (and it deserves watching more like a movie than TV series) since 28 Days Later. It's everything a good zombie movie should be; terrifying, grotesque, funny and socially relevant.

Dead Set takes place in the Big Brother household, during a fictional series of the programme. On the outside, there's only a bloody zombie apocalypse on. Britain is very quickly overrun. Only a few survivors remain. At the TV studio, a disparate group of ex-housemates, friends and producers pile into the house and join the perplexed, oblivious housemates.

As anyone familiar with Charlie Brooker's work might expect, the writing is sharp, scathing and funny. His Big Brother housemates are at once recognizeable, grossly caricatured and sympathetic. It also has the perfect villain in Andy Nyman's Patrick - possibly the most unpleasant character ever committed to TV. It's to the series' credit that they actually managed to create an individual more unlikeable than the programme's real-life contestants. But there are so many great characters in Dead Set that it's unfair to pick Patrick as 'best' by any means. I also enjoyed the sympathetic chav, Jaime Winstone's sympathetic Kelly, hippy Joplin and especially Zombie Davina McCall. Its character work is perhaps the series strongest point.

This is the definition of a gushing review, but there's so much to love about Dead Set - especially when approached from the perspective of a horror fan. The amount of gore and violence on display is a shocker when you consider this was broadcasted on national TV - and the action easily rivals that of 28 Days Later or the Dawn of the Dead remake. And in a grotesque sort of way, the ending is just beautiful; the perfect ending to such a story and the perfect peice of commentary on our Idiot TV Nation.

This year, as I've done every one since 2008, I won't be tucking into the final series of BB. I daresay it'll be back in some form sooner or later, like the proverbial bad penny it is. No, I'll be showing the zombie apocalypse some love with Charlie Brooker's Dead Set. I always hoped there would be a jungle-set riff on I'm a Celebrity/Zombie Holocaust sequel. Until that happens, I'm Dead Set on re-watching this outstanding little piece of genre TV.*

* Shi-iit. That makes this the third post in the row ending on a title based pun. This place really does suck.