Kill Keith

Director: Andy Thompson (2011)

Starring: Marc Pickering, Keith Chegwin, Joe Pasquale, Tony Blackburn

Find it: IMDB

It's the Keith Chegwin horror movie, and it's a thing that actually exists. "Pooh," you say, "that's old news." To wit, I am not talking about his nudist game show Naked Jungle (link not suitable for work, or anywhere). Kill Keith stars British TV face and Twitter joke thief Keith 'Cheggers' Chegwin as himself, in a movie about a serial killer who busies himself knocking off rubbish celebrities. Kill Keith will be utterly meaningless to anyone unfamiliar with the likes of Chegwin, Joe Pasquale and Tony Blackburn (lucky you) - and only half-relevant to those who know who the particulars actually are. It's a movie with a very limited audience, but is all the better for it.

The celebrities play darkly skewed versions of themselves, making the whole affair seem like a gory version of Extras (although the jokes are a little less cruel than those you might have seen in Ricky Gervais's star-studded sitcom). The celebs do well, although they are in it a lot less than the film would have you believe. Squeaky Pasquale pops up just long enough to call someone a "minge" and die to a Monkees soundtrack with a cereal packet on his head. Even Cheggers himself isn't in it all that much, although he is one of the better actors assembled here. Tony Blackburn simply looks bemused - well, he is playing his own lookalike - while Russell Grant is only marginally less annoying than he is when doing his so-called day 'job' for real.

The story has lowly TV studio runner Danny (Pickering) lusting over breakfast telly host Dawn (Susannah Fielding), attempting to protect her from the violent overtures of the Breakfast Serial Killer (geddit). She of course hosts a show called The Crack of Dawn, which should give you an idea of the level of humour at work here. Geddit again. The style and direction only barely hides the fact that it really, really wants to be an Edgar Wright joint. The story, part Giallo part sitcom - struggles to be interesting despite some fun death sequences and its bizarre cameos. It's advertised as 'Saw meets Richard & Judy', but is never as horrifying or gruesome as either part of that sentence suggests (true story: Horrifying and Gruesome was the original working title for Richard & Judy).

Talking of horrifying and gruesome.

Best of the non-celebrities (and better than the celebrities) is David Easter as Dawn's acerbic co-host. Joe Tracini plays another Tony Blackburn well, while Pickering and Fielding are quite good as the leads. And you know what, I found the romantic subplot to be sweet. It's neither funny or scary enough to work as a horror, comedy or horror comedy but I enjoyed the film far more than I thought I would enjoy any movie which stars Keith Chegwin.

Like Cheggers himself, Kill Keith is a thoroughly acquired taste. If you'e unfamiliar with the intricacies of British breakfast TV and the regular faces therein, you'd be best off giving it a miss. It's weird, silly and horrendously naff. But then, so is its titular star. That's why (parts of) Britain loves him, and that's why I love Kill Keith.