The Ordeal

Director: Fabrice Du Welz (2004)
Starring: Laurent Lucas, Jackie Berroyer, Jean-Luc Couchard
Find it: IMDB

This Christmas, while others were rotting their brain cells with festive shit like Elf and The Grinch and The Muppet Christmas Carol (all of which I actually like) I found me drinking myself into oblivion and watching a French horror film about a cabaret singer who finds himself kidnapped by a mad farmer, dressed like a woman and chased around by the mad farmer's also mad love rivals. It's like Emmerdale meets Something Horrible. And yes, I'm aware that every time I watch a film about mad farmers I compare it to Emmerdale. I fucking love Emmerdale, all right.

Marc Stevens (Lucas) is the cabaret singer in question. Daniel O' Donnell and Cliff Richard should never watch The Ordeal, because this film would thoroughly make them shit their pants. Not that Cliff Richard would ever watch extreme French horror anyway. He's more of a Songs of Praise sort of fellow.

When his van breaks down in the middle of nowhere, Stevens is taken in by kindly-faced inn owner Bartel (Berroyer). Unfortunately, Stevens reminds Bartel of his missing wife, and he's less than eager to release the poor club singer. A quick bang on the noggin later, and Stevens finds himself tied up wearing a dress, while Bartel rants and raves about how his lovely wife is never going to leave him again. Luckily for Mark, it is a very pretty dress. So pretty that Mark proves to be very popular amongst all of the other locals too. 

For all its violence and forced cross-dressing, The Ordeal follows the fairly standard Torture Film template. There's the sense of impending doom, the inevitable capture, the escape, the re-capture, the re-escape - then the bit where Anything Could Happen. Being a collector of 'extreme' cinema and having heard so many good things about The Ordeal, I found myself a little disappointed by the film. It's extreme, but not that extreme - a mite predictable and slow. Still, Stevens is easy to root for, and there's a nice sense of surrealism to some of the scenes. I particularly enjoyed the local pub and Bartel's dim-witted friend, Boris (Couchard). The Ordeal is a little unsettling, but never an Ordeal to watch, as it should be.

That said, it makes for great Christmas viewing. No, really, it does. There's a Christmas tree in it and everything.

24. Black Christmas (2006)

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: Glen Morgan (2006)

Starring: Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Katie Cassidy, Michelle Trachtenberg

Find it: IMDB

Better than you'd expect it to be. Much better than the Prom Night and Sorority Row debacles, which I didn't think it would be. Black Christmas doesn't entirely besmirch the original piece's name. It stars Mary Elizabeth Winstead who is literally amazing in literally everything (she was the best thing about The Thing, even better than The Thing itself). There's even a bit of gore and some faintly disturbing scenes of cannibalism and biscuits. And yes, the movie might, but I'm not calling this Black Xmas. 'Xmas' isn't a word. You don't call him Jesus X, do you? 

Black Christmas follows the original movie's template, having a sorority house being stalked by someone who may or may not be an escapee from a lunatic asylum. I love asylum escapee horror. It's delightfully retro. Some impressively cruel and creepy scenes are hidden amongst the chaff. I particularly enjoyed a bathroom scene in which a hidden eye spies upon one of the drunken girls. The sleazy pupil staring through a hole in the floor is a bloody chilling bit of imagery. Once more, the bin liner kill is the most memorable moment in the movie.

Aside from The Winstead, the acting elsewhere is perfectly fine. Michelle Trachtenberg is in this Black Christmas, but try to forget about that; just like you forget about those seasons of Buffy she ruined. Katie Cassidy is in it too, playing out yet another movie that should have starred John Saxon in a rollneck jumper. 

If you only watch one seasonal horror called Black Christmas this festive period, then it should obviously be the one that stars John Saxon. But if you're planning a seasonal feast this holiday season, Black Christmas '06 might as well be on your list.

13. Silent Night Deadly Night

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: Charles E Sellier Jr (1984)

Starring: Robert Brian Wilson, Danny Wagner, Linnea Quigley

Find it: IMDB

A bit like Halloween, in so much as it’s set during a titular Holiday. Other than that, it’s nothing like Halloween. After a series of childhood traumas, a troubled, Christmas-hating youth goes on a Crimbo killing spree, murdering everyone on his naughty list. Also of interest: Nuns, shagging, bosoms, a rapey Santa Claus and plenty of assorted festive cruelty.

As the movie begins, we meet young Billy Chapman, his parents and baby sister. They’re a very nice, all-American family, and as such are doomed to die. But before all that, the family visit their crazy grandpa at his home in a cosy mental institution. They then leave young Billy alone with the old coot. Crazy granddad proceeds to traumatise the poor kid, telling him that “Christmas Eve is the scariest damn night of the year,” that Santa punishes the naughty kids, and that he better run if he sees Santa. Sounds like someone’s been watching Santa’s Slay.

Not traumatised enough by his own grandfather, Billy goes on to see his family murdered by a fella dressed as Santa. Looks like Gramps ain't so crazy after all. His parents dead, it's at this stage where a kid either decides to dress up as a giant bat or become a serial killer.

But with no kindly English butler to look after Billy, the poor kid finds himself in an orphanage. Still traumatised by his experience at the hands of Santa Claus, he passes his time by drawing lovely pictures of murdered Santas and beheaded reindeers. Kid’s got talent, reminiscent of the work of Charlie Bronson. More trauma is heaped upon poor Billy as he gets himself a beating from the orphanage’s Mother Superior. Lesson learnt: “Punishment is good”. And so Billy grows up to become the movie’s villain; a punisher of petty crimes; like the Punisher, but with added jolly.

Like many 80s’ slasher movies, Silent Night Deadly Night isn’t too scary, but is plenty creepy. It’s lurid and often gratuitously cruel. Does anyone really need to see a lady raped by a chap in a Santa costume? Not really, but the creepiness of it all is excellently done and partnered with a wonderful soundtrack of standard 80s’ synth and cheesy Christmas music. It’s lighter on the gore than its notoriety might suggest (a bunch of outraged mothers got it pulled from several cinemas), but it’s sleazy enough anyway to make up for the lack of onscreen claret. Plus, there's this, the greatest sequence of events ever to grace a Christmas film since Billy Bob Thornton beat the shit out of a child in Bad Santa:

Of the myriad of Christmas horror movies, Silent Night Deadly Night is perhaps my favourite. The story’s generic, but not so much that it can’t hold a few surprises. Billy’s transformation from innocent wee kiddiwink to traumatised psychopath is a plausible one; you too would likely go crazy if you had as much shit heaped upon you as he gets in this movie. And the pace is not as slow as Black Christmas, the tone less overtly silly than Gremlins or Jack Frost.

So if you thought that the likes of Fred Claus are too light on the stabby-stabby, beheadings and impalements (and yes, it was. Incidentally, that film is vastly improved if you imagine Paul Giamatti burying an axe in Vince Vaughan's fucking face) then Silent Night Deadly Night is surely the flick for you.

7. Santa's Slay

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: David Steiman (2005)
Starring: Bill Goldberg, Douglas Smith, Emilie De Ravin
Find it online: IMDB

Nothing says Christmas like Santa Claus setting heads on fire and blowing children to itty-bitty-pieces. In this case, Jolly Saint Nick is a wrestler (Bill Goldberg) and he starts off this movie by brutally murdering James Caan. He then proceeds to be very angry all the time and chase around the blonde Australian girl from off’ve Lost and The Hills Have Eyes. It's wilfully daft, but I'll take that shit over Tim Allen anyday. In fact, the Coca-Cola adverts could use a little more dismemberment too.

The rest of the movie isn’t so great, but it’s worth it for the delightfully ridiculous opening sequence alone (recapped so much better on the excellent I-Mockery) in which he sets fire to a girl’s head and murders James Caan with a turkey drumstick.

According to a cute little animated montage, our Santa Claus is actually a murderous demon who lost a bet to an angel, and was forced to spend the next millennium delivering toys to children instead of killing them. The story picks up just after the end of that millennium. As you might have gathered, Santa is back to his old killing ways.

Enter our protagonists, the horribly named Nicolas Yuleson and a girl called Mac (Emilie De Ravin – only slightly less annoying than usual). Because of some silly Deus Ex Machina or something, Santa wants to kill them dead. But obviously, none of this is important. The main bulk of the movie simply has Santa wandering around the kids’ small village town murdering everyone in sight, in increasingly stupid and hilarious ways. Later scenes see Santa flying round on his sled, driven by “hell deer” and targeting innocent vicars. No-one is safe from Santa’s wrath, not even strippers or Jewish shopkeepers.

Surprisingly enough, Santa proves himself quite well as a bona fide horror icon. He’s big and angry looking, and one suspects that he could possibly go toe-to-toe with Jason Voorhees and not entirely embarrass himself. Wrestler Bill Goldberg plays Santa, and does a really good job of it throughout. Wrestlers are always at their best when playing villains (Dwayne Johnson excluded – he’s the least menacing tough guy this side of Twilight) and Goldberg certainly makes the most of the character he’s been dealt; even if Futurama did get there first. Mythical holiday characters make great slasher icons. I’d love to see the Easter Bunny or Jesus get the same treatment.

Santa’s Slay is no classic – the teenage leads are too bland and occasionally irritating – and the whole thing is a little self-consciously silly (although how could a movie about a psycho Santa not be). Occasionally the tone and action feels too much as if it's trying to be Gremlins 2.0. The movies have a lot in common. There’s a lot of carnage onscreen, but no real gore nor anything particularly offensive.

Some viewers might balk at the light-hearted tone and negligible story, but Santa’s Slay is well worth a watch; particularly as an antidote to the usual toxic trash that the TV seems to throw us this time of year. Fuck you, Tim Allen. I’d rather see my Santa murdering strippers with their own pole.

3. Jack Frost 2: Revenge Of The Mutant Killer Snowman

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: Michael Cooney (2000)

Starring: Christopher Allport, Eileen Seeley, Scott MacDonald

Find it: IMDB

Sam Tiler (not that one) is in therapy following his trauma at the hands of killer snowman Jack Frost. To relieve some stress, he packs his bags for a Carribean holiday with the wife (Seeley). Yes, it's a I Still Know What You Did Last Summer kind of sequel. Jack Frost is back too, resurrected when scientists dig up the can of anti-freeze that holds his imprisoned soul. Wait, what? A maintenance worker wakes Jack up by spilling a cup of coffee into the vat of anti-freeze, because that could totally happen, and he too sets sail.

This time even heat and anti-freeze can't stop Jack. His powers increased, he freezes a whole room like a low-budget version of The Day After Tomorrow. Despite being an invincible snowbastard, Jack still chooses to pick his victims off one by one. It's tedious at times, but mostly quite amusing and imaginative. The humour works better than it did in the previous film. It's really, really bad humour, but I laughed. Most of the time, anyway. "It's a sign that there's traffic," says Anne, trying to appease her husband's nerves, "a traffic sign, geddit?" Oh how nobody LOL'd.

For a movie about a mutant killer snowman, there's a complete dearth of mutant killer snowmen. There are quite a lot of snowballs though. Most of the time, Jack exists only as a disembodied carrot or ice cube. The kills are quite good, nevertheless; particularly the one where a woman eats a Jack Frost ice cube and then her head explodes. A naked woman goes swimming and Jack says "I wouldn't mind a little breast stroke myself." Heh. And there's actually some really good gore later in the movie, seemingly inspired by Gremlins in its anarchy.

Embracing its inner silliness has done Jack Frost 2 the world of good. Where the original movie was surprisingly dull, the sequel is fun and infectiously likeable. Bless, it was made in an era where it could snow on a Carribean island and no-one would mention global warming.

2. Jack Frost

It's your Horror Review Advent Calendar.

25 Christmas themed movies.

Ho, ho, ho.

Director: Michael Cooney (1996)
Starring: Michael Keaton, Scott MacDonald, Shannon Elizabeth
Find it online: IMDB

Tip for bastards: when selling your secondhand copy of Jack Frost, switch the DVD inside with a copy of the shitty Michael Keaton movie of the same name. And that, sirs and madams, is how you piss off a horror fan. And for equally hilarious results (actual hilarity may vary by degrees of your own stupidity) try the same trick in reverse. Because there's nothing more Christmassy than traumatising children with a rapey snowman horror movie.

Serial killer Jack Frost is transformed into a living snowman after being sprayed with some unnamed ‘genetic material’. Given his name, it’s pretty apt that he should become a snowman. It’s a piece of synchronicity rarely seen outside of a Batman comic. They might as well have called him Snowy McSnowman. We're introduced to him via a funny and cruel title sequence which describes Jack and his crimes in the style of a bedtime story (complete with traumatised child and terrifying narrator). It's the second best bit in the movie (the best bit, unsurprisingly, involves Shannon Elizabeth and a carrot) and really gets the whole thing going.

Jack is caught by a small-town sheriff named Sam Tiler (Chris Allport) a nice-guy family man who accidentally managed to arrest Frost when the killer was taking a pee. Sentenced to death, Frost vows unoriginal revenge. And even being turned into a giant plastic snowman isn’t gonna stop him. But, like most serial killers, he has to take his sweet time about it. Cue plenty of pointless interludes which see Jack murdering people for no reason and raping Shannon Elizabeth in the shower with a carrot. Also, and less good: too many scenes with the Sheriff and his twee family.

This should be funny – it sounds like it should be The Best Thing Ever – but Jack Frost is just too slow, too low-budget and not nearly dark or shlocky enough to work. The first couple of Child’s Play movies showed that cartoony killers can work, given the right tone and direction. But Jack Frost has neither of those things. It says a lot that this is the most prominent thing writer/director Michael Cooney ever made. The script is naff and the direction is as flat as Shannon Elizabeth's style of 'acting'. If only it were as voluptuous as her chest, yo ho ho.

Everyone agreed that Stifler's hilarious pranks were getting out of hand.

But alas, the biggest problem with Jack Frost is Jack himself. As Child’s Play proved, there’s nothing particularly wrong with transforming a serial killer into something cuddly and ridiculous, but the special effects here are just terrible. And not in a good way; it’s not even enjoyable on an ironic level. Jack’s design looks so horrible and fake that it’s impossible to be either scared or amused by him. He’s voiced with no real gusto by Scott MacDonald (who looks and sounds like a low-rent Jack Nicholson), and is all crap wisecracks and non-sinister threats. He’s no Robert Englund or Brad Dourif, that’s for sure. Likewise, the gore is pretty skimpy and there aren’t many standout kill scenes (Shannon Elizabeth aside). This is one movie that I wouldn’t actually mind seeing remade; preferably with a decent costume budget and some verve to the direction.

Still, a fun concept can cover a lot of cracks, and those less bothered by special effects and realism (realism in a movie about a killer snowman and Shannon Elizabeth? I hate me) will have a lot of fun with Jack Frost. Those with a sense of humour should entirely disregard this review and watch the film anyway. After all, Christmas is a time for watching shitty movies about talking snowmen.

BAH HUMBUG/5